Hi folks, need some help please.

Wife went away on biz with M coworker of 10yrs. W has always called each and every night she's away if traveling. This time she did not. Not in evening, late night, or next morning. I did not know hotel, so I could not call to see if she was alright.

I asked her what happened when she got home next day and she got mad at me, saying she was tired and fell asleep the whole night. I let it be.

But, I started snooping and found cute e-mails going back and forth like flirts. I also found out that they have a call time each Friday, late morning, when W works from home. I stayed home one Friday and sure enough OM called. I know him, I understand they work together, but when I was sitting there in the kitchen when the phone rang, W was quick to end call telling the OM that I was home today.

Watched behavior of W for a few months. She did not really want sex with me. She did not even want to ever dress/undress or shower if I was around as she was now obviously uncomfortable around me.

She asked me weird questions in bed one night..... what size am I, how far do we think I penetrate etc...

The OM's name is Joe, very common, and name Joe is used alot in general conversation and phrases such as what's happening Joe etc... However, one night I was lying in bed and she came over to climb in and said...... "move it over Joe." Now I never gave it another thought as I took it as just a term, but suddenly she tried to catch herself like a fruedian slip and said.... "I mean, move it over honey, slide over Dear etc...". Interesting.

While watching TV one evening on the couch together, sitting very closely with legs touching.... the TV program had a character named Joe. Each time the persons name Joe was mentioned, her leg moved away from mine. Very strange.

I decide to leave a recording device in the room hoping to capture a phone call. Sure enough, I captured her conversation to the OM one Friday. They talked about other coworkers sex lives, she talked about her clothes and how they fit her in the [censored], and at the end of the call she said " I love you too."

Bummer. There it was, I heard it. I had captured some evidence. I sat on it a while longer as in a couple weeks it was Xmas time and our anniversary. Every single year we have gone back to the same restaurant in which we held our wedding reception. This year she did not want to go there. She was very uncomfortable and fidgety, and did not even get me a card. I asked numerous times what wasa going on and she said nothing.

I finally decided it was time to confront figuring I had enough info to go on. She would not admit a thing other than she enjoyed her freindship with this person and was actually adamant about defending it as it was nothing more than being coworkers.

When asked again about the night she did not call while on biz trip, she said they were too drunk and she couldn't call, (a little different answer this time). When I asked if anything happened while on that biz trip, she said no, but admitted the OM was all over her. She actualy went on to say "that she did not have sex with that man and that she did not pull her pants down." Interesting words?

I gave in again and let it go a while longer. On my third attempt at asking what had happened, she continues to say that her relationship with the OM is strictly work based. On my last attempt at trying to get her to talk about that biz trip, her latest reply was she "did not call me that night because we were in a fight."

So, a LOT of time has passed and I am no better off. I have gotten nothing from her regarding real answers.

She no longer works with this OM as he left to go to another biz. No contact as far as I know as I think I at least woke her up. Although she's never admitted to anything, I know she feels bad as I have gotten a new truck, new tractor, sport event tickets, and meals made every night.

I really want to know what happened - with everything. Why did she stray from me, at least I know she was unfaithful emotionally, but won't admit it. I do really think there was something physical, at least that one night in question.

3 years have gone by and everyday I read these forums and have butterflies in my gut as I still do not know a thing. I have no attemp at closure as all I can do is wonder.

What can I do next, or what can I do that I have not done already?

Thanks.
NtK.

Hello,

I am sorry for you. It is clear that she was having an affair on you. I don't think you need a piano to fall on your head to figure this out. She even admitted she was too drunk to call and he was all over her. Everything you have written make it pretty clear she has been cheating on you and she does not even show remorse. What do you want to do?

It would really suck to not have any closure. I don't know what you can do if she won't admit it and you can't prove it.

Are you sure its over?

Well, I have been waiting patiently and hoping that some event would trigger a total closure of everything. Since I have already asked 3x, it would appear I will get no where by asking again.

My father screwed around on my mother when I was a kid and the result was a divorse. I have never wanted to be in that situation.

I am truly upset, but I hide it for the most part. Not sure I can ever forgive her for saying "I love you" to the OM, and the kicker is I was right outside in the yard when it happened. And of course I have to continually wonder if they ever had a physical affair.

With kids, S 15 & D 10, it is likely I will not leave the household. I tend to do more with them, sports, school work, activities, etc....

I am thinking of going on a long weekend to a hotel with my W, and then starting the whole entire process of recounting all the events I found unusual and trying to get her to open up and admit everything.

Sure, I can pretty much say she had checked-out on me emotionally, and perhaps more. With what I've confronted her with, she knows I have figured out some stuff.

I do think it makes a difference if she tells me why, and what, went on so we can begin to take the next step.....

If that time comes and I can not forgive her, I'm not sure what will happen as trust and faith have already been diminished.

Thanks.
NtK

HI Tyk,

Yes, I am sure it is over between W and OM. I could tell she was real scared when I approached her about this stuff the first and second time. The OM has since moved to another job, out of town. And, having monitored e-mail for quite awhile now, I have not seen any correspondences.

She even went so far as to have a mutual friend of theirs handle messages back and forth so she would not have direct contact with the OM.

I do not know if she is afraid of hurting me if she admits all the A, or if she is afraid of being brought out in the open and embarressed.

Tx.
NtK

Recorder in her car.....

Catches 'em every time.

I think you really have to confront her if you want to give yourself the highest chance of it not happening again. It really doesn't matter if she was physical or not. You HEARD her tell this guy she loves him.
Maybe your confrontations scared her straight, but you are setting yourself up for alot more pain if you leave it at that. You may be tempted to say "Well, it wasn't physical so I'll just let it go", but I can guarantee you that if you hadn't scared her, it would have turned sexual.

Just based on your story, I am fairly certain that it did turn physical. Here are the key elements in each of her stories about that business trip:
- Alchohol involved
- He was all over her
- Claimed she did not take her pants off
- She was "in a fight with you"

That screams that something happened. May not have been sex, but does it really matter? If you don't address the underlying issues of why she failed to protect her boundaries and how she will succeed in the future, all you are doing really is delaying D-day.

I think you should confront her and tell her you know that they had more than a friendship. Certainly don't attack her, but tell her that you know about the relationship she had with this guy and you want to talk about it and figure out how to protect your marriage from it in the future. Tell her that will require total honesty though and be prepared to enforce the consequences if she tries to lie to you. Like most do, she'll try and spin it and even if you play the recording with her saying "I love you, too", she claim it was misunderstood/not what she meant/whatever.

Just remember, this is not a court of law. You do NOT need to catch them in the act to KNOW. Again, just be prepared to enforce the consequences if she tries to bully/guilt trip you into accepting her story. Thats the only way you will get her to admit it and come clean. When she is forced to face the consequences of her actions.

Good luck!

I dont know how you have dealt with this for three years without getting to the core of it....I cant talk I have been letting my ws call all the shots for the most part since November 06...it has about driven me truly insane. I myself am just waking up from the shock of it all and its been a year.

It sounds pretty certain to me that you wife did have an affair, and you know I feel pretty certain that she knows you know. It sounds like you scared her "straight" but you never really know. Maybe a way to approach this might be to say something like ..I know what happened, and I would like to hear from you what you were thinking and feeling at that time..tell her although it has been three years you have not had closure on this issue..that you want to move forward with the marriage..as it seems you have but you need some resolution/closure to what happened. That way maybe she will feel like she can open up to you more vs having to spill her guts.

I love this web site and believe in the things it teaches, although I have not always followed them out of lack of my own self confidence, respect, fear etc., etc. It has been a gruelling year..coming up on one year anniversary of DD one. Sometimes, and I know this is not right but I wish my WS had never come to me out of the blue and confessed. I have grown and know myself better than ever before, and am seeing a theraist to work on self esteem etc., and I am not sure what willhappen with ws and myself.

I wish you lots of luck, you will be in my prayers, and I hope the pain you are experiencing and will go through as this all comes out will be minimal, but as you probably already know it's never minimal..I dont know if the pain ever goes away..I think we just learn to deal with it. God Bless.

Thanks for the kind words and ideas Andrew3 & Mishes.

As the holiday season and our anniversary once again approach for another year, it makes me sick inside.

I will have to make one final attempt at requesting she come clean with the entire story. Right now I continue to think of her as a liar and a cheat who tried to get away with something.

Additionally, until I know what made her stray, I can not fix it.

Thanks.
NtK

Nothing "made" her stray. I've been knawing at the "why did you do this?" bone myself for a while now and I KNOW what happened and haven't made much headway into the why's of it. There's really no good or acceptable reason is there? Not that its going to keep me from knawing at it either.

Best I can come up with is weak character + inattentive or complacent spouse + opportunity = infidelity for many.