I have worked in the Middle East for more than 20 years and normally my wife of 30 years resides here with me. Our children were born and raised here but are now living in the U.S. We are from the United States and have a home there for use when we are there for vacations. Unfortunately, almost a year ago, my wife had to leave to care for our college-aged son who suffered from a serious mental illness. I just found out four days ago that she has been having an affair for about two months with someone who I believe is the divorced brother of one of the divorced middle-aged guys that live in the apartment complex where my wife and son are staying. The complex is rife with divorced people, I guess in the manner of apartment complexes.

Our son has been doing better and has been diagnosed as fit to be on his own again and is attending college again. My wife resisted returning to our home here as soon as she could have after I returned from my annual leave at the end of August and, while at first I believed she was just regretting returning to our very peculiar life in this Muslim country, it turns out she had begun her affair and was just resisting coming back to prolong it. Although her excuses were weak for staying in the States and I was mistrustful, I let her stay for the last two months but began checking on her. I just verified the adultery four days ago and now I am of course devastated and unraveling and probably not thinking too straight.

She has agreed to return in one more week. I know she has been seeing the other guy for the last couple days. Because of the pain I am feeling, I thought I would like to confront her now, but I am afraid that then she will change her mind about returning which will make putting our marriage back together harder if not impossible.

I have decided to carry on without letting her know what I know until she gets here plus I don't want to expose how I caught her yet. She will be breaking it off by neccessity when she leaves the U.S. but I am not a hundred percent sure she will get on the plane.

My dilemna is this: Is Plan A complete when she gets on the plane to return to me since she is breaking off the affair or is it just partialy so? I know she is feeling a big letdown after her high times with the OM even now because he is leaving her tomorrow for a vacation. My intention is to let her know that I know the day after she arrives but I'm concerned that she could do something irrational like jump back on an airplane to the States. What should I do if she doesn't come next week?

I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice on my situation. I should mention that my wife began an adulterous affair here in the Middle East two years ago but we received counseling and worked on reviving our marriage so we were able to end that relationship quickly. Obviously, we didn't perfect our marriage from that experience. I haven't fully trusted her since then which she knows but I guess that only made her more sneaky. I know we have some serious rehab required if we are going to stay married. I am devasted and barely functioning after sleeping a total of about 8 hours in four days.

wow. So sorry to hear your story hurt.

Sounds like you never really recovered from the first affair - or at least you have not protected your marriage.

You need to do a lot of reading to get this right this time. Read the FAQ's on this site.

Get "Surviving an Affair", "Fall in Love, Stay in love" from this site as well.

Your wife will need to do a NC letter to OM once she returns to you.

Read, Read, Read.

Yes, read those books. Is it possible that your W is unhappy in the Middle East? Maybe it's time to return to the states.....

are affairs illegal where you live? If the answer is yes, what are the punishments?
I am sorry for your pain but cannot argue with your waiting until she arives before confronting her.
Where you live should be a matter of agreement between you both. If she doesn't come back next week...decide for yourself if returning to the States to win back a two time loser (cheater) is really worth it. She has done this to you before and those are TWO THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT.

This reply is to all. Thanks for your responses. These arre what I am looking for. In the country where I reside and work, A is punishable with death but very hard to prove so the punishment is rarely meted out. For me to leave here, I have to quit my job of twenty plus years and I don't see how that would help the situation. Maybe end-up broke and divorced? Surely, we must agree on where to live and she is not happy here.

I should further mention that even when she is in our home here, I am away working in a remote location four nights of the week. I am pretty sure that she may have been unfaithful other times but have no proof, just an inkling of something she is not telling me. I can transfer from the remote locaation for a big pay cut.

Good to know you have placed a financial value on your marriage.

You are asking for trouble spending so much time away from your wife.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to recover including valuing your marriage above your job?

My WH valued his job above our M. We will probably end up D'd because of it.

Actually I am willing to leave this job to save my marriage. I just don't want to unless there is at least some assurance of success. When I see WW in one week, I suspect I'll get a better sense of whether we can save our marriage.

Part of what is so devastating about this is before I took this job (about four years ago), we discussed the separation issue and I told her it could only work if I could trust her completely. She has assured me over and over again that I can trust her completely. And again after I was working here the first year which was a trial period and again after she started to cheat on me two years ago. That was never consumated by the way, and she was by no means in love with the OM. We still talk to each other every day.

To those who suggested I buy the books, I already ordered them but they will not be here for several days. I have read almost everything in the Facts but my situation is so unique that I am seeking help here.

I slept six hours last night for the first time since D-Day but now that I'm awake the pain is beginning all over.

Your situation is not unique. These things are all pretty much the same.

There are no guarantees of success. You need to find out what your WW's grievances are with the marriage. But I will tell you for a certainty that your spending 4 nights a week away from her will be up there on the list. You need to spend a lot of time together to maintain a romantic relationship. Minimum 15 hours a week meeting each others intimate EN's of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.

When she is here with me and I am home on the weekends we do spend pretty much all of our time together. The affair didn't begin this time until she was gone for about nine months and I didn't see her for six months although we speak on the phone for hours each week and almost always every day. I know that there are no guarantees of success but until I can be with her again, I have no sense of what is bothering her other than non specific complaints that she is tired of following me around.

Our son was very sick for about the first seven months after she went to the U.S. last year. I couldn't leave work and she couldn't leave him. When she could she had already taken up with the other man and I was back here again. That is what is unique about our situation.

Variations on the same theme. I agree with you waiting till she joins you. What happens if she won't come? What is your plan then? I see her refusing to return as a very real probability.

That's what I'm agonizing about. I can probably get a leave of absence to go and see her but if she won't come voluntarily, I can't handcuff her and force her to come back with me. If she won't at least meet her commitment to return than I don't see how quitting my job to return to the States would help.

She says she loves me, she says she is returning, but she also says I should trust her but since I now know I can't, I don't know what to believe. That is what is so gut-wrenching.

Blind trust is off the table now.

Yeah, so what do I do? I need advice about what to do if she doesn't return and what to do if she does. My original query was, if she does return did we at least partially complete Plan A? What if she refuses to write the NC letter to OM. If she doesn't return what then?

We have been married so long that I don't understand how she could do this to me unless she is of really poor character. She has always kept me guessing as long as I have known her. This situation is just really killing me.

1. Secure your finances
2. Finish your plan A
3. Read SAA, HNHN & Love must be tough
4. Identify your personal and M boundaries.
5. Once plan A is completed and she is still a WS, execute plan B.

Is that enough to start?

L.

if she doesn't return, dump her as$.

That's what I was looking for. Is "Love must be tough" the title of a book? I guess I have enough to keep me busy for a week. What does securing my finances entail? Our affairs are thoroughly entwined as you might imagine.

If anyone else wants to add to Orchid's counsel please feel free.

I think my posts got a little screwed-up. My previous post was supposed to come after Orchid's advice. I have just been told to "dump her [censored]" by two people in the last two hours. One, my best friend over here, and MEDC above. I thought this was the site where we go for sage counsel for reconciliation and respect for marriage. Is my situation so screwed-up that there is no hope for recovery if my WW doesn't return to me?

I have started getting my affairs in order financially and was asked my my financial advisor if I shouldn't start hiding some money. I don't think I could do this ever.

Advice?

serial cheaters...such as your wife are not worth...IMO...hanging on to. Couple that with the distance between you...it isn't worth going half way around thee world to win back a cheating partner. Your best friend is wise to counsel you this way too.

And yes, this is a site to help recover some marriages....although note, that even the good doctor who started this site has clearly said that he would divorce if faced with adultery...but not all marriages are worth saving. You asked for advice...I gave you some...others will have other opinions. But when you leave your home, your job, your life and come back to the states....and find your wife won't stop cheating and most likely has had more affairs than you were aware of you will wonder why you wasted that effort on a known bad risk. That might be the most "sage" counsel you will get....even if it isn't what you want to hear.
Now, if she comes back, I think working on things is okay...but going around the world to win her back...nah.



Is it any wonder that some would suggest that you leave her? Think about it....read your own words. Do you really think for a minute that you know about ALL of her affairs? Really? I would highly doubt it. When you see a few roaches...bet your life that more are hiding behind the wall.

She is of questionable character. Very questionable.

You'll get used to MEDC. He kind of grows on a person. He has a very strict moral code - lots of black and what, good or evil.

I think a 30 year marriage is worth saving, especially considering the challenges and seperations the two of you have had.

I WOULD try to change my working conditions if possible. We had a poster here who was a chemical engineer in Saudi. His wife was a SAHM who had ALL of the material things. She ended up having an affair with the pool boy.