I only just saw the secondlast post Hurt.

Just ignore all that and stay the course.

Seriously.

If you meet her needs, her feelings will change. Guarantee it.

BigK, thanks for the encouragment. Last night while reading our MB books in bed, Mrs. Hurt said, "You know I really love you," without prompting which felt pretty good. So I'm hoping she is starting to think of me more fondly. I'm just trying to be patient without making demands and wait for her to come around.

Unfortunately, now I'm at work, miles away where I'll be stuck for the next four days without her. She still hasn't said how she feels yet except the other day when she said, "I'm not ready to cut this M loose yet," which sounded kind of lukewarm to me but at least it was honest.

I'm feeling more hopeful today.

MBers particularly FBS's,

I need help in dealing with the "movies". I can't stop thinking about WW with OM even though I don't know what he looks like except from WW's description.

It's amazing that after ten weeks I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her with him. WW keeps asking how I slept and I don't think I should talk to her about what's going through my mind.

Advice on how to get over this? Should I discuss with WW?

Jump on over to the recovery board. The men there talk about this all of the time.

HurtAfter30Years,
You're in a rough spot. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I see that believer said that you may want to check out the recovery board, I think he/she is right. I've spent a bit of time there, and although, I'm the WS, and my H is the BS, it's done a great deal for me. Our D-day was only on December 21, so we're still in what I've heard is the honeymoon phase. We're working on things one day at a time. The movies, I don't know what to tell you on that one. My H borrowed a movie from friends the other day, he chose very carefully so as not to pick out anything controversial. During the times that are in there anyway, I look at him and remind him how much I love him and that he's the only one for me. It's not work to do that, it's what I want. I think it's okay for you to tell your wife that you need a little reassurance every now and again. She should be happy to give it. I know that there are times where I feel as though I'm telling him too often and he's going to grow tired of it, he reassures me that he needs to hear it and it'll never be too much. Make sure you tell your wife what you need. If it's of any consolation, you're not alone. Geographically, we're in a similar place. When you look out your window tonight, rest assured that there's someone close by going through the same thing you are.

WWS,

Thanks for the advice on reassurance. I say to WW, (who as of yesterday is now FWW) that she can't tell me often enough that she loves me, that she can't say too often how sorry she is for her A's, and how much she needs me. I'm wondering where you are. I want my location to remain anonymous for now but if you tell me where you are, maybe we can trade war stories via e-mail. Just to clarify what movies I was referring to in my last post, it is the common BH syndrome where all the BH can picture in his mind is visions of the OM in the arms of WW. For me it is like a nightly obsession. I'm looking for help on how to deal with these thoughts.

believer,

As always your help is spot on. I have been lurking over on the recovery board since you posted and have obtained some useful stuff on dealing with recovery issuses but not so much on the "movies" obsession so far. I have learned that I seem to be dealing with the anger and resentment as well as anyone, though.

It helps that FWW is actively working on our M now, there has been no contact since November as far as I know, we are in MC with SH, FWW seems genuinely apologetic, and she says she wants us to stay married. We are both working on meeting each other's ENs and avoiding LBs, although FWW doesn't believe I can provide much Admiration because she won't believe me. She has been far more O & H than in anytime for the last decade or longer, so things are beginning to move along in a positive direction.

I still have the question about discussing the "movie" problem with FWW. I'm trying to be upbeat and positve and this seems like a rea downer. I will bring it up with SH at our next session but I would appreciate any advice you vets can offer.

Also, what should we be concentrating on now that we are beginning Recovery?

Thanks as always.

Hi Hurt,

Your focus right now? Needs to be 15 hours a week of undivided attention meeting EN's

Avoiding LB's

Having fun.

Big K,

I'm trying to do all. FWW (she wants to be referred to as FWW now) has said I'm doing a good job meeting her ENs but thinks if I express admiration, I'm being insincere because how can I admire someone who did what she has done to me. I just try to reassure her that everybody makes mistakes although it will probably be awhile before we can talk about foregiveness. She is struggling with guilt, though. Would it be helpful for her to post on this Forum? I see other WWs doing it, and I think it could help if everyone doesn't beat-up on her.

I'm looking for some input from everyone who has gone through what we are on whether IC could benefit FWW. She says she is really F#$%ked-up and doesn't have a handle on why she did what she did. SH was sort of lukewarm on the idea when Mrs. Hurt asked him about it during our last session but I didn't get the chance to ask him why. I know his focus is on helping us recover our M and not to dig through what is now ancient history but I would like to know if there is a "why" to Mrs. Hurt's past behavior and she wants resolution, too. Unlike most of the other WSs, Mrs. Hurt seemed to cheat for the thrill or some other reason. In every case she wasn't "in love" with the OM and there was absolutely no intention to dump me to move in with the OM. It seems she was just infatuated with the idea of an affair and the validation it gave her as desirable to other men besides me. She says none of them were particularly kind to her and the only one I am acquainted with has a reputation for using women.

Please let us know what you think.

Hey Hurt!

Mrs. RIF felt "unworthy" of my love and affection for a long time... I think that many FWW/FWH's feel this way.

For me, I just tried to reassure her the best that I could that I was committed to her and the M and that I loved her. Consistent, patient, love will change her feelings of herself over time.

As for the mental movies... yep, that's a biggie. For me, I had TONs of them because I'm a detail oriented guy and I asked all sorts of detailed questions... looking back, I wish that I hadn't been so detailed with my questioning because the mental movies that I had to deal with later were very detailed and vivid.

Only YOU can decide what level of detail you want to know about her A... just remember, the more details you get, the harder (at least it was for me) it will be to deal with the mental movies.

Journaling my thoughts helped me deal with the movies and trying to focus on the POSITIVE things that Mrs. RIF was doing while we were rebuilding helped me deal with the mental movies... it took me a long time to finally block out the mental movies.

I think that you'll find that as your W starts rebuilding with you and the more time that you guys can spend together building NEW memories, that the movies will fade.

Be patient with her. If the mental movies tend to make you angry, then talk with Steve and ask him for some exercises to help you deal with your anger. You surely don't want to "stuff" your feelings, but at the same time, you don't want to take your anger out on your W...

Semper Fi,

RIF

If your wife would like to email my wife, drop me an email.

Hey Hurt - I was re-reading your post and this just jumped out at me... Mrs. RIF said almost the EXACT same thing when we started MC.

The "Thrill" part of Mrs. RIF's answer took me a while to process... because her "thrills" were at the expense of our family.

Focus on the present and rebuilding with your W... and trust SH's guidance.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF, are you back already? I hope you had a great leave with your family.

Big K, thanks for the offer. I'll discuss it with FWW, Mrs. Hurt.

RIF, FWW is not feeling unworthy, it's just that her #2 EN is Admiration and she thinks I'm insincere if I express Admiration because she doesn't believe I can find anything about her to admire after she hurt me so bad. SH says I don't need to discuss it with her, although that would be nice, just do it and see what is effective. The same as with romantic actions.

What about her posting on the Forum or seeking IC? I would support either as long as the IC was from a counselor skilled in MB principles. Unfortunately, there aren't many to choose from over here. Our previous MC kind of wrote off my then WW when I spoke to her on D-Day based on a previous A, so I'm not feeling to good about FWW using her for IC. There's not too many other choices over here.

RIF, I don't get angry too often about the "movies" anymore, I just feel really off kilter and I guess threatened. Then the adrenalin starts flowing and there is no way I can sleep at that point. I don't know how I can be sleeping and suddenly wake-up thinking about them at 03:00. SH offered a tool to help cope called "thought replacement" which I need to research a little more. It is basically switching your thoughts to something positive when the bad thoughts come to mind. Easier said than done. The movies are coming less often and I have actually slept the entire night for about three nights in the last week. It helps if I'm exhausted.

FWW says she's done with thrills from being wayward but I'd still like to see her put a better avoidance plan together.

Here's to Recovery. Thanks for the help as always.

Hey Hurt,

I got back to our HQ on Thursday and have been stuck here because of all of the snow out at my FOB... It doesn't look like we're going to get out tomorrow so I'll probably be here for a couple more days.

It will take a while for your W to start "believing" your sincerity... just as it will take a while for you to start trusting her... It's all part of the rebuilding process.

The good thing is that you BOTH are working on rebuilding your M together.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks RIF, for the encouragement. Sorry about the snow, but maybe its a good thing that you are not at the FOB. I'll bet the pay is the same.

So I have several questions, some that I've asked before.

1. Is IC ever helpful for recovery for a guilt-ridden FWW?

2. Does anyone have tips for "thought replacement" to reduce the mental movies?

3. Any ideas for expressing my admiration for FWW?

4. Any predictions on how we will feel for the next few weeks? NC letter is sent, FWW says she is committed to R and our M, books are mostly read, plans are being developed, I'm doing my best to meet her EN and eliminate LBs and we are still in MC with SH. I think both of us are becoming aware of how hard R is and that we are just at the beginning of a long slog.

Any help, suggestions, advice for us is welcome.

Hey Hurt!

After we completed MC, Mrs. RIF continued for a while to help her deal with some more issues, so in our case, yes, IC did help.

As for "thought replacement"... Our MC had me journal my feelings when the movies and triggers would pop up. I would make a list of all of the things that made me angry and then write down my thoughts on WHY I was angry. Most of my anger was over what I had "lost"... The last step in my journaling was to list at least 5-10 GOOD things that Mrs. RIF was currently doing.

As I worked through this process, I found that the movies and triggers didn't pop up as often, and that I was able to list more good things that Mrs. RIF was doing.

I'd just keep looking for ways to show your admiration to your W... cards, notes, words... don't try to say or do things that aren't comfortable for you... just be yourself. Eventually, your W will let you know what she likes the best.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF: Happy Birthday!!

Hurt: It wouldn't hurt if your wife wanted to post here.

Big K,

I have asked her to post if she thought it would help but so far I believe she is too shy. I'll ask her again, though. I mentioned that your wife offered to exchange e-mails with her and she said we needed to talk about it. We'll have the talk tonight or tomorrow.

As always RIF and Big K, thanks for the help and support. I'll by each of you all the beer you want if we ever meet up.

You're welcome Hurt... anytime.

Thanks for the birthday wishes BigK... must be nice down under with all that sunshine... it's snowing here...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey RIF,

Did Mrs. RIF ever take-up posting on the forum. If she did, did it help either or both of you? I'm just curious because Mrs. Hurt is having a hard time dealing with guilt and I think it might help her and us for her to tell her story and get some help from the people on here that have gone through what she is going through now.

Hi Hurt,

No, Mrs. RIF has never posted here. There are several FWWs that post here that can help your W.

How are you guys doing? I finally made it back "home" after 8 days at our HQ... all of the snow kept the planes on the ground.

Semper Fi,

RIF