RIF,

I hope "home" is a good place for you to be. I hope you are safe and having success getting the bad guys. In my twenty-odd years in the Middle East, the last week was the coldest I can remember.

You asked how we are doing. Having never been through anything quite like this before, I'm not really sure. I guess you'd say we are beginning recovery but very slowly. Mrs. Hurt is doing everything she's expected to but not with much enthusiasm or diligence. I on the other hand want everything to go quicker and would focus on recovery 24x7 given my nature. She just says I have to be patient but I am concerned my commitment will flag over time if she doesn't respond more meaningfully.

We are not LBing anymore which of course is very positive and I'm doing my best to meet her ENs, and she is trying to meet mine but not wholeheartedly. Of course, neither of has in such a long time that we are both working on replacing old destructive habits with new behaviors. I'm not really sure if she is entirely over withdrawal yet but she seems happier and less "foggy" than for the first six weeks or so since she came back from the States and left OM. Her feelings have been clouded most recently by the fact that we our grown children were here for the holidays and our DS is still having serious emotional problems which are hard for us to work on long distance, now that he us back in the U.S.

Anyways, that is how we are doing. Progress, but not at blinding speed.

Do you know of any reason why more people are not posting on my thread, RIF? It is mostly you and Big K providing guidance and as much as I appreciate all the advice and encouragement you have provided, I would like to hear from others, particularly on things like my last question regarding FWW posting.

Should I move over to Recovery since we seem to be well into Plan A with no retrogressing so far? The MB steps for moving from Plan A to R have always seemed a little fuzzy to me. Mrs. Hurt says she can see me changing but I don't know if she believes or trusts that the changes are "real" or permanent yet.

Thoughts?

Time and consistency are key to her believing you are changing..

It's a 2 year MINIMUM gig recovery.

Many people get drawn to certain threads. It would be nice if more weighed in but people choose where they invest their time.

If your WW wants to post here she should but she should keep off your threads.

Recovery starts when she is committed to restoring your marriage...

Hurt, If she does consider posting, I would strongly suggest that she post either on Emotional Needs or In Recovery.

Both of those forums are much calmer and peaceful and she will be less likely to encounter anger and turmoil.

Dr. Harley has written that both spouses are often deeply hurting. While it is not an absolute, it isn't uncommon for there to have been unmet needs problems for some time resulting in a buildup of resentment in the wayward spouse. Once remorse for the infidelity kicks in, they may find it difficult to speak up about hurts and resentments because they don't feel they deserve to or have the right to. But those things do need to be addressed at some time, or real healing is going to be hindered.

If you think she may consider it, those are the forums I would suggest. I know you don't want her to be vulnerable and post only to have someone rip into her if she doesn't say something quite right or is still operating with some residual entitlement, etc. If you want to feel more comfortable about it, you could go and read a few threads from each of those forums to see what you think.

Big K,

Mrs. Hurt says she is committed but I feel everything she does is sort of tentative. For sure she doesn't feel safe enough about me yet to reveal everything that she is thinking or was thinking that led up to the affairs. I'll tell her about your advice about starting her own thread. Should she be reading my threads even if she doesn't post on them? I know she has read them but probably not completely. I'd still like a place to vent occasionally.

graplin,

We certainly had a deeply damaged relationship prior to Mrs. Hurt going outside our M to seek SF which for her was more for excitement than love (I think and she has said). She says she never had any intention of leaving me and all the OM are basically just guys who responded to her or showed they were interested in her which she says always "surprised" her. Not "soulmates" or men she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

I think you are absolutely right about her not feeling she has the right to speak up about her previous hurts and resentments which developed over a long time. I appreciate your advice for us to check out ENs and the R forums as they are probably a better place for both of us.

I'll talk over both your suggestions with Mrs. Hurt and see what she thinks.

Many thanks

Hey Hurt,

It's snowing again tonight... The locals say this is the worst snow storm in 50 years...

I'll second what BigK said... Time and patience. She's doing the work and thats a HUGE plus. It will take time for her to believe that the changes that YOU are making are "for real", just as it will take time for you to believe that the changes that SHE is making are "for real".

For some reason, people tend to shy away from posts that have a "loyal" following... Also, BigK and I aren't in the states so we tend to post shortly after you post and by the time everyone wakes up in the states, BigK and I have already solved all of the worlds problems! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, if you want different perspectives, then take Graplin's advice and post a new thread in the Recovery Forum... that's also the place for Mrs. Hurt if she wants to post...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,

I hope the snow has everyone pinned down where it is safe. The cold has let up here a bit.

I kind of picked-up on that loyal following attribute of the posters. And that you and Big K are the guys that are up on our side of the world when I post. As far as having solved all the world's problems, I'm sure you get at least a pretty good start on it. For sure, the only reason I'm still working on staying married instead of researching lawyers and agonizing on the D forum is what you guys have helped me with. I really appreciate the support and advice you have offered. I'll let you know where to send the bill some time.

I like coming here because there is more traffic, but I guess it is time to move on to R. I haven't been able to discuss anything with Mrs. Hurt for the last couple days because she has been very ill with some kind of stomach ailment and I'm away at my job. Please check with me over in Recovery when you have the time. I'll still come here to vent when I feel the need. I think you guys have got me trained pretty well on how to deal with the bumps and sharp turns on the Recovery roller coaster.

Thanks, again.

Hey Hurt!

I'm always glad when I can help somebody out... I didn't have anyone to talk with when I was going through all of my 'troubles' with Mrs. RIF...

I'll wander over on the Recovery board and look you up!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey Hurt!

Haven't seen you around for a couple of days... Just wanted to check in with you and see how you guys are doing!

Semper Fi,

RIF

To MBers,

I'm just bumping my thread to try to find where to find "joseph's letter. If anyone is wondering how Mr. and Mrs. Hurt are doing, I'm posting over on the Recovery board now.

Thanks

Hey Hurt!

Okie put the link on your other thread on the Recovery Board...

Semper Fi,

RIF