Does anyone else have this same experience? Double betrayal. Trying to find someone to talk to!!!

My husband has not spoken to her since his call in front of me to say it was over. That was 2 months ago. We have gone to Retrovaille marriage program and done lots of counseling with a great Christian pro-marriage counselor. I should be thankful for his complete work and effort at fixing what he did. He has done everything Dr. Harvey would have told him to do without fail. I'm still pretty angry, but at least I'm not crying all the time.

He has made it very clear he wants to be with me. I love him, but honestly am staying for now for our daughter.

I think there should be criminal penalties for adulterous actions. I am so sick of everyone being so self-serving. How hard is it to think about how your actions will hurt others?

I thought my husband was incapable of lying to me. I was very wrong. He really screwed up. Even though we have grown through this horrible experience, I struggle daily, with forgiving.

I'm so sorry. My best friend (since we were children) was married to a serial cheater...the first time he confessed, she said she prayed, 'please just let it not be one of my sister's or SeekingWife.'

From what I read on here, 2 months is not very long into the normal recovery process. Just hang in there. This board will help you.

Many people have been in this situation.

My wife's OM was a very good friend for 5 years.

2 months is very new for sure. It's a long journey recovery - figure on at least 2 years.

There's ups and downs like a rollercoaster. It does get better. As you re-build love in your marriage the pain will fade.

SB

You have found a good place. Read the threads, read the books. Will your WH read them with you? will he work with you to get through this? You have been doubly betrayed. You cannot save the one but you may be able to recover the second.
I never thought my FWH would ever do anything like this either. Read here, learn here, heal from what you take from here.

Blessings

FTS

EX wife had an affair with a friend of mine I knew for 8yrs. We knew him and his wife for that long. He wasnt my best friend, but I did know him well. My EX wanted a divorce so they could be together forever. I gave it to her. 4yrs into the affair after our divorce and he decides to stay married to his wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SB,

""How hard is it to think about how your actions will hurt others? ""

They MAY think about how their actions will hurt others, but their main goal, THEIR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE, is their self-centered selfish quest for self-gratification.

The "hurting of others" is collateral damage which is an unreal word to them, and secondary in their thinking, because it has not happened yet or maybe (probably?) WILL not happen.

It is good that your WH is remorseful and committed to rebuilding your M.

As BK and others have said 2 months is a very short time. You still have a steaming, chest wound where your WH has ripped your heart out, and as with such wounds you are still in shock and agony.

It will take a long time to heal. Concentrate on the positive things your husband is, and will, be doing to rebuild the M. BE VERY GRATEFUL. It could be so much worse. (cold facts, I know.)

Keep reading and posting here.

kirk

SB,

""Even though we have grown through this horrible experience, I struggle daily, with forgiving.""

You know, I would not even consider forgiveness right now.

Forgiveness may happen somewhere down the road. Maybe it will never happen.

Forgiveness, here in the halls of MB, is a big topic of discussion.

Again you are only 2 months out from dday. I think you first must try to stand back and get your mind around the whole concept of what has happened and let your emotions subside. (easy to say)

IMHO

kirk

I also was betrayed by my husband and my friend. They had a 4-month affair that ended in January. My husband was very remorseful and followed the MB plan all of the way. We are doing better than ever now, even renewed our vows last month. It is very difficult at first, especially being doubly betrayed. Read everything you can on this site. It helped me tremendously.

Has the friend tried to contact you stating she was sorry? Just curious. I got a bunch of bogus crap from mine. She still shows no remorse to this day.

I can relate. My ex had an affair with my best friend of 17 years - and I saw them in the middle of it. It is a double betrayal and it is very hard because there is no one to talk to about it. She and I did EVERYTHING together - from vacations to weeding the flower beds. After I saw them she showed me emails he had sent her professing his love for her and how he'd leave me for her. She also confessed that the emotional part of it was going on for years. They had often talked about how they should have ended up together. I had found out that it had started to get physical months before when we would be out to dinner together and she was rubbing his crotch under the table, among other things. He and I separated four months after. I just couldn't take it. She and I talked twice after that and now I haven't heard from her in a few years. For me there was no fixing it. My ex was not remorseful - he didn't understand why I was upset and didn't think it should have ruined a friendship either. I've never really talked anyone about it, so hopefully the counseling will work for you - and the fact that your husband is willing to do whatever he can to help should make a world of difference.

Thanks for the comments.

The friend has not tried to contact me. We only live 3 minutes from each other - every part of our lives used to be intertwined and we live in a small town - so it's pretty amazing we haven't even run into each other. Her deceit toward me was pretty involved. She constantly asked me personal questions, and was someone I talked to many times or saw every day. I understand that my husband is ultimately responsible for what he chose to do. But his betrayal was different - his lies to me were to "get away with" what he was doing. He also often acted unhappy during that time. She behaved just like the best friend I always knew. Her lies were trying to find out info to better position herself with him. I believe she really thought she might end up with him - which is not what happened. He and I are doing really well - my husband is very remorseful also - and has followed MB plan.

Plad 13, I can only imagine how much it hurts when someone is not remorseful. I read it all the time and I just don't understand it. You sure didn't deserve that.

Another difficult part of it being the best friend is the involved life memories. Like you said - vacations and everyday stuff. I can't even get rid her in photos - because she is in all of my daughter's birthday pictures. Or photos of her kids with my mine sledding, playing, first of of swimming class - that sort of thing. There's no getting rid of the memories - just focusing on the future.

I had the same thing happen. Both of our families spent just about every weekend together. Her and I would go out from time to time and she would say things that I never said or did, to my husband (lies about me) to better position herself. In fact she still can't get over him. She tries to contact every 4 months. I have posted about her on this website. She turned into a raging alcoholic and last I heard her husband was going to have her committed as she had already been in rehab twice which didn't work. I always said "God don't like ugly"

As for my husband and I we got down to the root of all of our problems, learned to communicate and I am the happiest I have ever been.

Ditto the memories.

We used to holiday with OM and his family. He was my son's football coach. Very entwined lives.

Double betrayal.

Just cut off the relationship for good.

I found that too - that he blamed things on me and confided in her about how bad things were - and then since I was oblivious to it I'd talk to her about him. I think they both used it to justify what they did.

Also, when I had no one to talk to I spent a lot of time talking to God. Most days it was only Why? Why? Why? or What did I do to deserve this? But I've found in my life that when I'm not listening to something He is trying to tell me He basically slaps me in my face and then I get it. I think that's exactly what happened here. My ex was abusive to me and my children and I needed to get out but was too scared to. The affair made it so that my anger overpowered my fear and I got out. I truly think that's why it happened. My ex had cheated on me numerous times before but I was able to somewhat push it out of my mind and never left. The best friend was just the final straw. If that's what God was trying to do then it worked! I'm not saying that he's trying to get you to leave your husband, but try to find what you've been missing. What lesson is there to learn in it - for either one of you. It may not be apparent for some time to come, it took me a few years to believe it, but be looking for it.