Hello, I have a situation I am sure you all have heard before. To start my wife was having a 5 year affair. The affair is over and and yes i am sure. We have been trying to put our lives back together. Problem is I am having a tough time forgiving/forgetting her for all she has done, of course the lies that go into this for 5 years are overwhelming to think about. We are basically just living together with no passion at all. How do you go about trusting a women like this again? How do you put back together the relationship? How do I forget that she was pregnant with this mans child and aborted it. Can this be done or is it just better to move on completely for both of us.

Newlife,
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain.
Before I comment I have a few questions:
How long have you been married?
Do you have any children?
Did you know the OM?
How did you find out about the affair?
How long ago did you find out?

OK...given that this was an LTA (long term affair)...HOW are you sure that this is over?

What are you actively doing to recover your marriage from this? Marriage counselling? Individual counselling?

How long have you been married? Kids? How was the marriage before the affair?

All of these are factors to help determine your success in rebuilding after this.

In addition to the affair and the forgiveness that needs to happen because of that...how do you feel about your wife handling the consequences of her affair in a way that resulted in her killing an innocent baby?

For me, I would be able to forgive an affair....maybe not a five year one...but that she chose to kill a baby...bye bye.

I'm somewhat surprised that she didn't have the baby and pass it off as yours. That happens often.

Did the OM dump her when she turned up pregnant?

How long have you been married? 18 years

Do you have any children? 1 child boy age 14

Did you know the OM? Yes he was the married neighbor across the street, him and his family moved sometime last year, but affair continued until this past June.

How did you find out about the affair? Cell Phone Bills are a tell tail sign.

How long ago did you find out? I found out about 1.5 years ago and have been on a rollercoaster ride ever since. She has moved out several times of course to be her lover. She is now back. I fought for her for almost a year. Now I just feel it may be time to separate completely as I have too many bad feelings.

Sorry you are going through this. I did read this last post but I have to run out to one of my kids halloween party at school. I will try and come back this afternoon to chat. Hang in there and read as much info on this sight as you can. There are others here that can relate and help you work through this.

Is she remorseful? Does she want to work on the marriage?

Well not sure if remorse is a good word for it. She says she wants us to work, but this was only after the OM would not leave his wife and kept playing games with her, so then she wanted me back after that. It is a fact she would have went with OM if he would have left his wife.

What are you actively doing to recover your marriage from this? Marriage counselling? Individual counselling?

No counseling yet.

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. My EX was promised by her OM that he would leave his wife so they could be together. Well, my EX divorced me and hung onto this OM for 4yrs.......he kept playing games with her as well.......decided to stay with his wife. My EX came running back begging to reunite the family *insert chuckle*....well, I was already remarried and madly in love with my new wife. Too late dear.

I too felt that if the OM would have left his wife.......my EX would NEVER have said a thing to me. *rolls eyes*

Thank You, someone out here that understands the situation.

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NL41, why do you want to remain M'd to your W?

Newlife,

What is making you stay in this M? Something must be keeping you by her side, huh? Weigh out the pros and cons to see which is greater. also, listen to all the advise that you get from the Vets on this web page, they give pretty darn good information! I know you must be feeling devastated after finding out about an A, but the majority of us here have been in the same shoes as you have. Have lots and lots of PATIENCE because only that will make you stronger person. Best of luck!

You found out 1.5 years ago but the affair went on? Did/does the OMW know about the affair? How far away did OM move and are you sure A is really over? Is it possible for OM to change his mind and come back into the picture? IMO because she just came back it is like the affair just ended and you both have to start there. She needs to prove to you she is in 100%. I wish you the best and I really don't blame you if you feel like you have had enough. I think MC and IC can help you get through this.

Realize that most of us aren't telling you that you HAVE to divorce or anything.

Its all up to you.

We DO get what its like trying to decide if your marriage is worth saving or not...almost everyone here has been there.

Knowing WHY you want to save your marriage is good for you to work out HOW to save your marriage. The positive points can help you figure out what to focus on to save your marriage.

And taking stock of the situation, learning just how difficult recovering a marriage from a long term affair is can help you truly decide what you want to do at this point.

My suggestion? You need to get the both of you into some high quality professional marriage counseling...ASAP!!! Figuring how how to fix your marriage, how to heal from the damage of the affair, how to take measures to ensure it'll never happen again...you need plans for all of that if you want to get to where you're headed. Make sure that this counselor understands the damages to both parties in a long term affair, and has a clear cut plan on how to help you heal your marriage.