My H dropped off my son about 15 minutes late and stated that he needed to come by later on this week to pick up some things. His OW and him are getting a bigger apartment because my stepson has been sleeping on the couch at her apartment and my H's ex filed a petition for him to find permanent housing.

I said, "ok, just call me when you want to come by to pick up some stuff." He then flew off the handle and said that he doesn't need permission and that this is his house. I changed the locks a month ago and he got upset cause he can't just come and go as he pleases. He said that I am trying to control him. I just want to know when he will be in the house and I don't want him taking just anything or everything.

We then got in a heated discussion about our son and how he wants joint custody and doesn't want me to move. I want to move two hours away which is back home for me. He tried everything to try to make me feel guilty. He was late on his support payment and had to pay close to $400 and was probably mad at that too. I am just sick of him trying to justify his actions. He is the one that left and not changing. These are the consequences. I am trying to fight to protect my children. I talked to my lawyer and she contacted his lawyer that he must ask permission to enter the house. She then just told me not to subject myself to his rantings. I thought to get a restraining order against him cause he is causing me emotional pain and I am 8 months pregnant.

The court appointed law guardian spoke with my son today. Then, the first court appearance with the law guardian will be on this Friday. I think they will have my son see a child psychologist too. I have so many emotions right now. The biggest being that I want the best for my son and trying to protect my son. I know my H will see his kids but I just want the freedom and opportunity to raise my kids the way we orginially agreed upon when we were first married. We agreed to raise them up in our church to teach them values. Now my H has gone astray and living with another women while he is still married. Thanks for listening!

I'm surprised about the locks because while my lawyer advised me to change them after he'd left, the police said he still owns the house and if he wanted to get in, they could do nothing to stop him.
They did advise me to place handwritten signs near every door lock and window that said "Warning: Locksmith, the locks have been changed by the owner. If anyone asks you to get in or change the locks, please call the police immediately".
Only get an RO or TRO if you are truly in danger, otherwise you look bad in court. As a pregnant mom, the courts will already be sympathetic.
I hope you have support for yourself through these emotional crises.

Hi Suzanne,
Sorry to hear what you are going through. The way I see it, he is upset that you have taken the power he once had over you. The moment you changed the locks, that was the end of him power! I did the same thing too and my WH got very upset. Then again, he wasn't helping me pay the mortgage payments so why should he even have the opportunity to come in the house. Take care of yourself and if you feel that you and your unborn child are in danger, then don't hesitate to get a TRO against your WH. Good luck!

Hi Suzanne,

My divorce papers first included a standard statement that "the children are to continue to be raised in the same faith". I had them change the wording to "the children are to continue to be raised in the Christian faith." At any point if my ex tries to live with his girlfriend or behaves in other immoral ways, I can argue that those ways are antithetical to the Christian faith and he'll have to comply. I don't think my ex caught on when I did this. Of all the things we agreed to, this was the one that was most valuable to me.

You might be able to do the same.

I've been following your posts and I have so much sympathy for your situation. I know that you will be so much better in the future. You seem like a really good person.

Your ex is beginning to reap what he's sown, which is why he's making demands and being difficult. When they're being unfaithful and stepping out into the fantasy world they've created for themselves, they seem so together. It's like their heads have grown 10 sizes bigger and they think they're 10 feet tall and bullet proof. They really don't have the ability to feel what you feel. And they really don't have a fraction of a clue how much agony and damage they're doing. Once the divorce sets in and lives begin to separate, they're baffled that others aren't on the same planet of their feelings. They've become so self-centered and they've been getting away with it... until now.

Now consequences begin to erode the fantasy (which they resent) and denial is how their psyche begins to deal with the perceived injustices to them, which continues to feed their delusions. It's like they're moving ever farther from the truth. They really can't see they've caused all these things they will resent. To me, this is where evil really begins to play the "switch" side of "bait and switch". Evil has swindled them out of their blessed lives - has robbed you of your life and now the shattered pieces become more visible. But, because you are not steeped in delusion, you see it all clearly. He can't see he's been "dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight" (pardon the batman reference, just seemed appropriate).

For you, you are hurting so badly, but because of your choices, your life will get better, but your STBX's will continue to decline. God will not be mocked - he cannot bless big chunks of your ex's life from here. Your ex is in denial of the he|| he's brought upon his own life and that's why he's striking out at you. It's a sad desperate attempt to avoid the consequences of playing with fire. I've often used this analogy... if you talk to people who've fallen from very high places and survived, they will tell you they do insane things, like reach out and try to grab birds to keep from falling. That's what your ex is doing when he does such things as demanding to have free access to your home (he REALLY can't believe there are consequences - one of them being losing free access to you and your life).

I know the thought of this stimulates your empathy as it did mine. But, you have to understand that God is continuing in his faithfulness to your STBX (by not letting him profit from evil) and I am certain that he will never have the love life he set out to obtain. You can't influence this outcome - it's God's way of getting your ex's attention for his eternal good.

It took me a long time to find God's plan in all this. His plan is always eternal salvation for us all. As time goes by, God's plan for you will become more clear too and you will find a lasting peace and rest from all you've been through. And you will be better for your suffering.

Be blessed!

WarriorforLove. Wow, thank you so much for your post. That really helped and inspired me cause at times I am amazed how he is ruining so many lives. I know that I will find happiness because wickedness never was happiness and I am not doing those things that he is. I just fear for my children as to what he is subjecting them too and the example he is setting. It is heart breaking to know that my newborn child will be in the arms of this man and this OW. It is disgusting. I have court tomorrow. It is the first court appearance with the law guardian. I don't know what will be said or any conclusions will be set. I know they want my four year old son to see a child psychologist. I love the quote that you said that God will not let my STBX profit from evil. So I pray that God will make sure that my children are with me where I will raise them up in my faith and with values.

Hi again,

I don't know what the laws are where you are, but I can't imagine a judge or a psychologist who would think it's a good idea to separate a mother and her newborn baby for a great length of time. I'm pretty sure they will consider your proximity and your ability to hold up under stress. You should definitely breast feed! OMG, if there's one thing OW would hate, that would be to hold your breast milk! Insist on breastfeeding!

It's hard to see now, but there is a path that God will lay for you to make this all bearable. I can't imagine being the OW and having to be around my boyfriend's ex's infant. Can you imagine that? In my own situation, I saw my ex abandon his ex wife and children (I used to insist he paid his child support on time and even wrote the checks myself) (BTW, I met him 2 1/2 years after his divorce), driving them onto welfare and into homelessness at a point. I can tell you it made me so fearful, so for 7 1/2 years I worked my tail off in COLLEGE. I didn't want to end up like her. Him doing that is what really killed my love for him. I continued to try to love him until finally divorcing 12 years later, but I never could respect him again. Your STBX's OW will think this way too. If she doesn't, she's a fitting consequence for him with that kind of bad character. Wouldn't you say?

It's so painful right now for you. My mother tried to talk to me the way I am talking to you now and it was so hard to believe what she was telling me. She told me, "honey, pull up a chair, pop some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the show. You have a front row seat". It sounded so cold, but now I finally understand the tone she meant. You really can't control much at this point, but God will pave a way for you and you will begin to think this way without being bitter, resentful or feeling vindictive. You will be detached from it when you are stronger and most things will just be amusing. Stick to the path God lays for you, make wise choices and it's inevitable. You will get through this.

Another thing that really helped me was to realize that those whom we cannot forgive now, we have biblical precedence to "let go". That means you have no obligation to be friends with your ex. It's strictly business, legalities and such. Don't buy into his 'nice guy' routine and don't listen when he thinks badly of you for not succumbing to that kind of manipulation. You have to see him that way from here. He is, sadly, deluded, and all attempts on his part to 'make nice' come with a hidden plea to save him from his slippery slope. You can't. It's not your job. It's God's. And it'll be too much weight to bear until you're ready and that probably won't be for quite a while.

It really bothered my ex that I didn't want to play nice and preserve friendship for things like reminiscing and such. But, I couldn't, because his whole psyche is based on lies. The OW believes I'm insane - that's what he told her to keep us from comparing notes and she bought it, because she was soooo in loooove. I can't be around two-faced people. It isn't good for me and it isn't safe. It isn't for you either if any of that is going on and you can probably bet that it is, because adultery's cornerstone is self-justification.

Make sure you're around people who love and care for you as much as possible. Ask for help if you need it. Ask for company if you need it. Now is a good time to learn to tenderly care for yourself. It isn't selfish. It's self-love and we must have a good foundation of that to be able to love others. The golden rule is "love your neighbor AS MUCH as yourself", so do for yourself what you would want others to do for you. See, it works both ways! Awesome, huh?!

Hang in there!

Warriorforlove, Gosh I love your post. They are so true and helping me so much. I had court today. My lawyer stated my position on how my religion and how I want to raise my son. I don't want him around this OW. I wanted to maintain sole but if my H agreed he would also raise our son in our religion and take him to church I would agree to joint. The judge asked if I was pregnant and my lawyer said yes, and he asked if it was my H and we confirmed it was. I think that struck a cord with the judge. My H stated his position to have joint and have overnights and more time on Saturdays to see our son. The law guardian then stated her report. She said that our four year old loves his parents of course and that there shouldn't be restrictions on my son to enter my H's home now. Right now, my son can not go into my H's home on Saturdays. She did say that it is not a good idea for overnights, not so much a moral issue but that my H has only lived with this OW for 1 month and a half and it is still too early for my son to be around that.

The judge came back and gave me sole custody. He extended the visitation on Saturdays by four hours and did not put any restrictions on. So my son can be around this women and enter his home. There are no overnights though. My son will see a child psychologist and the next court date is not until Feb. 1st. My position is to move 2 hours away back home where my family is and that I feel it is still within the best interest for the children and for me. I want every other weekend and liberal visitation during the week so if my H wants to visit his kids any time during the week, he can. Anyway, a girl at work said the time is on my side because my son will have no overnights at his father's and I will have sole custody now for almost 6 months. This might make it easier for me to move if I have sole. Who knows. On Feb. 1st we will read the psychologists report and he will determine about moving and custody. If we don't agree then we go to trial. Part of me wants to fight all the way until the end. If I lose then I know I fought as much as I could for my kids. I will have to spend alot of money but money is money. This is the rest of my life and my kids lives. I didn't stray, my H has and I am the victim. I am not trying to be vindictive or controlling his life. I want to protect my kids what they see. I don't want women sleeping over and my kids seeing this. I don't think that is controlling that is trying to protect my children. My H chose this life and he needs to see the consequences of his actions. He has fallen from the spiritual realm and is at the mercy of men not God. Like you said, God cannot bless those that are doing evil. Today, my H said to me, "What is the big deal, one day you will see another person." He is trying to justify his actions still. It is disgusting and crazy that he is doing this because he knows it is wrong. He is in denial and just wanting everyone to except his behavior. I'm not. I get alot of people telling me I am being controlling trying to control my H's life and who he sees or sleep with.

I don't care. I am trying to raise my kids right and they are seeing direct hypocrisy when they go to church and learn about what is right and wrong and then they see their own father do these things. I want to break this cycle and I feel I have every right to protect my kids. Do you think the judge was fair? What do you think about my position now that I have sole custody?

Take your lawyers' advice on sole custody and moving, not ours.
Your state must be very different in that many states that are going with joint legal and primary residential. It looks to work in your favor.

My X pushed the visitation and demanded the psychologist's report, which resulted in him getting less time than offered. The psych report will likely also give some great recommendations for handling other issues which you haven't even considered like holidays, vacations, counseling, etc. The courts usually take the psych's recommendation in its entireity, and don't expect either parent to question it.
The report will also likely include a schedule to revisit parenting plans as the kids get older. Don't stress this part. Most (including my X) don't bother trying to get more custody.

It sounds like right now the judge sees your STBX as the schmuck he is, leaving his pregnant wife.

Relax this weekend and enjoy your day!

I'm so happy for you! It does sound like people are seeing the situation for what it is.

Your ex is so lost. He lacks completely the ability to see how very coldhearted he is. It always amazes me how cold an adulterer becomes, how selfish, how absolutely blind they are to the horror they've made of the life of the one they promised before God and men to love above anyone else. I was so absolutely astounded that the covetous OW could erase, just like that, the most important thing in the world to me.

I've had the opportunity to turn two married men away who were pursuing me to be the OW. Once before I was married and another recently - I sent him to my counselor! Hehehe! He and his wife are still going.

Well I just think you are doing so well. You have good character and you will do right by your children. I'm always amazed at how God turns things around. My 18 year old daughter last night was telling me about her boyfriend whom she now finally admits to being in love with. Before now, she swore she would never marry and certainly never have children. She hated men. Then after my divorce, she meets this great guy with a big heart and now she's talking about marriage and children (Yay for future grandma!). She uses her father as an example of what to avoid in men. She told me how easy it is now to see how "bad-dad" "sad-dad" "mad-dad" is so NOT normal. So, you see, your prayers and your choices for your children will serve them one way or the other. I've prayed for my children and despite the mess of a man their father is, they are learning good lessons. God is powerful. He can overcome all of this.

You're doing great!!!

I pretended not to hear my husband but while we were waiting for court, my husband stated,"I don't understand the big deal, one day you'll be with someone else." I didn't respond. I couldn't believe he would sit there and justify his actions that adultery is okay. He is so lost. He came to church today. It really makes me laugh. I know he knows that what he is doing is wrong but he has told his mother that he will just have to deal with his mistakes. It is like he doesn't care how much he is ruin his life, the kids, etc.

I know one day I need to forgive him. God hates the sin but loves the sinner. Right now I just feel pity for him. I want him to do what is right for the sake of our kids. One day he might change but that is between him and God. My position is to move back home which is a 2 hour drive. I want the kids to see my H, every other weekend. I am willing to drive half way. I am fine during the week if he wants to drive up and see them if he has a day off. He can have them two weeks in July and two weeks in August too.

Right now, I live in a small town where he grew up. His family is like my family. I am very close to them. He has lots of cousins and does have friends at school and church. When my son and I say prayers, he always prays for his brother and sister (my step kids). Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what is right by moving. I wrote a list of advantages and disadvantages of moving and staying. They were all equal. I could really take this to trial to move and I could lose or I could win too. I am really confused at times and my heart wonders what is really best for my son and unborn child. No matter what life my STBX is living, he does want to be in the children's lives. He is living contrary to what I believe and I do fear how my kids will be being around his example. That is one good reason why I want to move. Any advice? Thanks so much. You all have helped me tremendously.