My wife has been in her phisical affair for at least 2 months. But she has been having an emotional affair for some time now. She claims that she could not talk to me so he turned to her friend "N". She claims that she never wanted for something to flurish but resent events have changed that.

About 3 months ago I discoverd that she has been unhappy for some time. She said that I don't meet her emotional needs. That we are to diffrent. That we grew appart. I agree that some of these things have happen. I want to work on it but she claims that she is too emotionaly drained. She has not filed for divorce yet. But she did start this affair with her friend of 10 yrs. For 10 yrs "N" claimed to be her friend. And When things start getting bad with me and her, he moves in and said all the right things, show he cares, and he had the inside info to act on her emotions. I feel so bad that my wife can't see how he is taking advantage of the situation. He so manipulative, he even created a "script" for them to come out at work with their affair. He makes it seem like they are just starting to date each other and that they don't know where things are going to lead from there. The reality is that they both just want to feel comfortable with their relationship. I know that my wife feels some shame. She told me that she feels "dirty" for wanting to be with him.

We have been marrired for 10yrs and have to beautiful girls. 7 & 2 yrs. Knowing that she stopped loving me crushed me, knowing that she is having an affair has devatated me. I love her very much and don't want to give up on our family. I know that she is living in a fanticy right now. I want to do something if I can to stop this affair.

I have to battels going on. One- She needs to stop the affair. Two- I need to make her fall back in love with me. I need her to give a chance to prove to her that I can meet her emotional needs.

Help!!! anyone

You need to win battle one before you can even start on battle two.

Have you exposed the affair to her family and thier work? That's a good place to start.

I have expossed A.. to her fam. Her mom is very disappointed and my wife now resents me for mom being upset at her. She blames me for the fall out in her mom's relationship. I know that she is in a fog, and cant full think of what is going on.

I feel if exposse her at work it might back fire again. By doing these things I am loosing grown in battle 2.

help..

Expose at work immediately, before they have a chance to spin the story. Your M may survive your W's anger, but it certainly won't survive if her A continues.

There's no ground to lose, she's having an affair and one way or another it will ruin the marriage if it doesn't stop. One of the primary ways to stop an affair is to blow the lid off it. Secrecy allows the fantasy they are building to thrive.

Is the OM (other man) single? I assume so from your initial post.

Have you read up on Plan A/Plan B?

Be patient and let some of the more seasoned vets give thier opinions.

Thanks. I need good help.

The OM is married too and has left his wife of 15yrs. His wife and I know each other and are helping each other through this. She was the one that suggested MB.

I have read the Plans, but I don't know if they apply. My SO wants out, Plan A will not work. Plan B might drive her away even more. I feel that I need to stay on top things to show her that I am not going anywere. Is this a good idea.

I hate "N". (you know that he has been to my house and ate my food.)

all opions are welcome. I appreciate it.

we are currently separated. I feel that she will aske for the divorce any time. I keep snooping around, I found alot of info on what has been going on. When she found out she resents me more. Every thing I try to do. just seem to back fire. She hates me for telling her mom on her A. I feel I am just giving her more amo for the divorce. My marrige is hangging by a thin thread, I need good advice..

First, follow the MB way, read everything you can
your W is doing all the classic things:
I don't love you, I never have
blaming you for the "fall out" in relationships when they find out about her A
She is doing all of this not YOU
you, like the rest of us may have been blind to certain aspects of your M, but not cause an A, she did this on her own. she should of come to you when things were lacking in the M not to another OM
you must expose this to everyone, tell everyone.
get all you finances together, don't let bank accts get wiped out so OM can have it.
order the books here.
I am not sure but do you have kids?

"he even created a "script" for them to come out at work with their affair. He makes it seem like they are just starting to date each other and that they don't know where things are going to lead from there."

Of course he did. They don't want people thinking they're just a couple of married people engaged in a nasty, destructive affair, do they? Their relationship is *special*.

Pfffffffft.

Expose them at work. Hard. Your wife will be furious. The guy will be furious. So what?

Your family is at stake. The last thing you should be worried about right now is if a couple of adulterors are "mad" at you.

BTW: If they work for a large company you can probably expose them anonymously. It can be pretty effective.

The clock is ticking. Your marriage and your family are under attack. Expose any way you can, but absolutely expose them at work. That guy is destroying your family. You should throw him under the bus without a second thought.

Sonny,

Forget winning battles and think about winning the war. Expose the affair at work at once, with no warning and no second thoughts or soft pedaling. Your wife will be madder than any time in her life and will direct all her anger at you.

But this is a GOOD thing because it means that it is making it uncomfortable for the affair to continue. If it becomes uncomfortable enough it could end before its time.

You have to expose to anyone you plan to expose to before they have a chance to put spin on it. If you wait too long to expose at work, they can set things up by making it sound as if you a crazy and out of your mind. Then, when you get around to exposing, the folks there will already think you are nuts and think your wife is doing the right thing.

Expose NOW.

Mark

You must expose to everyone. You must end the affair. There will be no chance of any kind until there is no contact and the A has ended.

Plan "A" does apply and it does work. It is a lot of work on your part and it is not easy or quick. It is a long, long, hard road. But if you really do want to save you marriage, everything here helps.

Get into a good plan "A" and better yourself. Show her that there is a reason to work things out. She will be furious and very angry. Like people have told me...."Her anger is, believe it or not, is a good sign. WW considers you a "safe" target for her anger. I would be much more worried if she felt apathy (nothing). Anger is not the opposite of love, Apathy is."

Also, from the Basic Concepts. Anger can lead to conflict and..... "Couples can return to the state of Intimacy from Conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again."

I am sorry that you are here and that things have gone as far as they have with you wife. But there is hope as long as you have it.

Good luck to you and keep posting, it helps.
Rummi

Does plan "A" work when she wants a divorce. She told me thats what she wants. She has not file yet. I Feel that If I exposse her. she will not want to work things out. Last tuesday was our first session with a therapist. She is beging to express the things that went wrong in our M . The affair has not come up yet. Do you think that I could mess up the therapy if if piss her off for expossing her at work.

I don't think I can exposse her without her knowing that I did it.

I am thinking of talking to OM fam. Is this a good idea.

Talk to the OM's family. Let them know about the affair and that your wife wants to leave you. Tell them you love your wife and want to make things work out.

You also need to expose them at work.

Don't worry that she will get angry. They all do. They all say they have no feelings for their spouse. They all think they want a divorce. Your wife is just being the typical wayward spouse.

You're in marriage counseling and the affair didn't come up?

That's like having a doctor treat a hangnail while you've got a sucking chest wound.

My opinion (shared by others I'm sure) is that marriage counseling is pointless if there is an ongoing affair. It's a waste of time and money. Once the affair stops, and if your WW commits to the marriage, counseling is vital.

Do what you can to end the affair, while working on changing yourself. That's Plan A.

Expose them at work. Look at it this way: if you recover your marriage there will have to be no contact between WW and OM, ever. That means one or both of them are going to have to change jobs anyway. Unless you are willing to just let her go and make it easier for her and OM to be together, you need to expose.

If you're not willing to fight you should just give up completely. Make sure they are happy in their jobs Heck, why not offer to move out so that OM can move right into your house? Maybe you could give them a nice house warming gift.

I think you are willing to fight, though. So do it. Fight hard and fight smart. You are fighting for your family, and nothing will EVER be more worth the fight.

Don't worry about her getting "mad" at you. Your fear that she will get mad is allowing her to manipulate you into making things easier for her. Besides, women don't respect men who are afraid of them.

I can tell you from personal experience that she will be absolutely furious when you expose her. She'll be madder than you've ever seen her. But if you want to save your marriage you have to end the affair. Exposure is one of the few tools you have for ending the affair. Use it. Today.

When she's spitting mad and blaming you for "ruining her life" just tell yourself that you're doing what you have to do to save your family.

sonny, its obvious you guys have slowly grown apart. Do you think its phyiscal or mental for her? Some girls just get bored easily, you need to think back to when you guys were happy and try to figure out why you were happy. Im sorry about your situation, you guys need to sit down and have a one on one talk to see whats really going on in her mind.

Sonny,

Give this thread a read through. Follow the links that it contains on about page 3 or 4.

My "Musings" thread.



If you want more feedback, consider moving your questions to the General Questions II forum since there is a lot more traffic there than on this one. Also be aware that things are pretty slow around here on weekends and it can take some time to get responses.

You didn't get to this point in a few days and you aren't going to fix it in a short time either. You have already been receiving some good advice and seem reluctant to follow it. I know you feel like your situation is pretty unique, but trust me on this, it is hardly unlike any other affair anyone here has ever seen before. Affairs are so much alike that they can almost all be described by anyone who has lived through the process themselves.

Included in the thread I linked are descriptions of Plan A, Plan B and links to the things you must know and understand in order to use Dr Harley's method to save and recover your marriage. They include things you should have read by now, but I have found that few do read them until they have already posted and based on your posts, I would say that you either have not read all of them or don't fully understand them. Please do not be offended by that as it is not a judgment merely an observation.

I'm going to be gone till tomorrow night some time but will check back late Saturday night or sometime Sunday evening as I also have a meeting to attend Sunday afternoon.

Hang in there. You can do this.

Mark

PS You've got mail!

Your are right I am reluctant. I am so scared. It seems like everything I do [email]F@#$[/email] things up. I don't want to make a mistake that will cost me all hope.

Today she told me that she does not hate me. She went to her councling, she said that she really just wants me to go and be happy. And next time we go in together we should discuss what is best for the kids.. Does anyone have good stats on this "whats good for the kids" thing. I know that trying to stay together is whats good for our kids. I just need to prove it so that she can't rejected. (having an affair is not good for the kids.)

I am educating myselfe reading all the threads. Like you said Mark, I just feel that my situation is unique. But I am going to have to trust you guys. I need to stop this affair.

to helpsavemarriage-- I think this affair is more emotional. it has turned physical but I know that its more emotional. She has told me what she is thinking-- she wants out. She feels that we are not a good match. Some how I don't think after 15yrs we are not a good match. She has bottle up anger that is keeping her from seeing the husband that I can be.

She is in the fog, Sonny. She isn't even thinking about this correctly right now. The things she is saying and doing have all been done and said before.

Does her counselor know about the affair? He/she MUST know in order to even have a hope of helping. If the counselor thinks that letting her go is a good thing, the counselor needs to be replaced.

The affair has to end if there is to be any hope. The best tool you have is to expose it. It will make her so mad she will say she hates you. She will call you a controlling a**hole. She will claim she was thinking about working on trying to save the marriage but now she never will. She'll scream about how you had no right to bring other people into it. All of these things are what EVERY wayward spouse says when the affair gets the light of truth shone upon it.

Unless you expose to her family and friends, her work place if that is where they met and get together and anyone else that might be of support to you and can help put pressure on her to stop this thing from continuing, she has time to spin things in her favor. She can tell everyone before you expose that you are being mean to her and are controlling her and that she has decided she wants out and this OM is just a friend...

You have to let them know the truth before they get brainwashed!

Mark

I agree with the majority and it is in ABSOLUTE agreement with MB recomendations!!

Expose!! Expose !! Expose!!

Family of both sides, work ,church, schools everywhere!!

If you want to save your family you MUST put your fears behind you and trust the veterans of this board (I am not), with the advice that they are giving. They have lived through it some good some bad, be reflection on the things that are of the utmost importance to save your marriage is absolute!!

A very special and positive point that you have made is that she is in counseling right!! Good place to start reconciliation, but you must get her through the fog and recovery.

I'll keep up with your post and pray for the best my friend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks. I moved my story to General Qestions II, look for it there.

Thanks for the prayes, I need them..