After reading your posts in which you talked about having stopped seeing your kids for awhile because you thought it would make your wife happy - I have been trying to understand how my exH thinks, and I was wondering if you could help. Of our 4 children who are still at home, only one is allowed to visit him more often than once every year or two, because his current wife doesn't want them to. He takes them out to dinner weekly, usually for about an hour (it takes him almost twice that long to drive here and back). What was the thought process behind putting your wife's happiness ahead of your kids'? Did doing so make you terribly resentful of her? What changed your mind and convinced you to see your kids again?

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It wasn't so much my wife's happiness was more a priority than seeing my kids. Not at all. The priorty was self preservation and to stop the insanity. We would argue for days about my kids. She didn't like that I would go pick them up at the house, I should meet my ex somewhere instead. If i picked them up at the house then I must be wanting to see the ex too, not just the kids... wrong. But I could never convince her otherwise.

I don't knwo why she didn't like them...they aren't little terrors, in fact extrememly helpful with cleaning and just being good little kids. Not spoiled brats at all. very well behaved.

Did I resent my wife for me feeling like I had to choose? YOU BETCHA!!!! And I let her know her it too. But again... when I would tell her I stopped seeing them for her, she would turn it around saying I made that choice all on my own. Now that I know what the term means... my wife is VERY good at gaslighting me. And it got to the point that I beleived I was a horrible person because I chose marriage over my own blood.

There was alwasy a fight about the stupidest of things... and of course nothing ever really got resolved so the pile got bigger and bigger and the topic of my kids was ALWAYS thrown intot he mix. The problem there was I really don't think my wife can seperate my kids from my ex. We talk about my kids, the ex gets brought into it too...not by me...never by me. It's not about my ex.

What changed my mind to see my kids? Well that's the easiest question I've had to answer since coming to MB. My wife wasn't controlling me anymore...directly anyway, after she had me arrested becuase i was leaving on my own. As I've been told here many a time, I (pardon my words) grew a sack and a backbone and told MYSELF, no one controls me and my actions but me. I love my kids, I want to see them and watch them grow. I took action and i was VERY lucky enough that my ex thinks of the kids first too. I would have completely understood if she refused to let me into their lives again.

I am spending A LOT of time with my kids... up to 4 times a week, not doing much of anything, just hanging out with them. taking them ot the mall, going for a small hike, playing with them in their yard... I know i shouldn't be staying at their house and I haven't since I realized how that could be percieved. I've taken them to the parks that my ex just doesnt have time to or whatever. I rarely have plans. i call and ask if they want to do something, if their mom says its OK...we go. And THEY decide. I give them options, but I don' think they really care as long as whatever we do, we do together.

I'm very lucky my ex has allowed this. I'm very thankful too.

WHEN I get to go back home and i convince my wife I haven't cheated on her, we will both lay it all on the table... we need to change the way our marriage is going or it will end.

My priorities are
My kids, all of them. Their safety and their futures.
My wife, communication, trust, and togetherness. (if that's a word)
My job, this may be even further down on my list, most people would putt his 1st I think. For all the right intentions of course, but let's be honest here, the job ....ANY job, comes AFTER family. Most would say they need the job to support the family so need to work the long hours... but what i've realized...if you work all day, come home and work too... you miss your family growing up all around you. And they will resent you for that...

Does that help you at all?

If I was in your H's situation, I would be driving long too, no question there (and have before...from FL to NH every 2-3 months to see my kids for weekends). Who is he trying to make happy? You? Or the ex? ... doesn't matter. What matters is...is HE happy with the way his relationship is with his children? more importantly.... Are THEY?

Thank you for your response. Yes, it does help. I don't think anyone is happy with the current situation, except possibly my H's current wife. A couple of years before he left, my H told a prospective employer that his family was his most important priority. He didn't get the job, but I was impressed that he said it. Unfortunately, all that changed as soon as he left.

The kids are definitely NOT happy about the situation. My two oldest kids have not spoken with him in years, because of his affair. Of the other 4, his wife likes one. She is invited to visit her father often, and his wife spends a lot of money on presents for her. The other 3 have been invited to visit him 2-3 times (depending on which child) since September of 2004. These three children are not happy with the situation, and I think the favored child (who is now in college) feels guilty because of the special treatment she receives. His wife has told her that the difference in treatment is ok because she "has a relationship" with the wife, and the others do not. Aside from the fact that nothing justifies their father not allowing the others to visit, the fact that they don't have "a relationship" with his new wife is largely because SHE doesn't want anything to do with them rather than a choice they have made.

The children have given up begging him to let them visit. I think my exH does want to see them, because he makes the effort to take them to dinner. He has seen them less and less as the years go by. I sometimes wonder if his current wife and he argue about them, or if he is fine with seeing them on a limited basis.

His wife got him his job, and she owns the house and pays all the utilities. I suspect that he believes that if he stood up to her about the kids he could end up out on the street, and then he wouldn't be able to pay even the pittance in child support he pays now. But maybe I am giving him too much credit.

I don't know if there is any hope that he will ever have a relationship with his children. All but two are grown now.

His wife is a control freak, just like mine. She pays for everything, got him the job.... basically...her rules or no rules. Sounds like to me anyway.

He has a HARD decision to make and he better make it sooner than later. sounds like your kids would be willing to give him the benifit of the doubt RIGHT NOW, but not much longer.

as for having a relationship with his wife.... ah... WHY does that matter!??!?!?! That right there tells me SHE is in control. I was there...so sayig this next part makes me a hypocrate... WHAT MAN WOULD ALLOW A WOMAN TO DICTATE WHEN HE SEES HIS OWN KIDS?!?!?!!??!

I woke up form the trance I was in. I tried to make my marriage work and the kids paid for that. I was lucky enough that my exwife allowed me back into the kids' lives.

Recetly in my thread, yesterday I think, someone posted to me "you divorce your spouse not your children". Perhaps he should be made aware of this too?

The child that visits often.... perhaps she should force a hand with Dad? You see us all or you see none of us...sort of thing? A relationship with stepmom is great but NOT a condition for a father to see his own kids.

I took a mandatory State sanctions class tongiht... "Child Impact" Perhaps Dad should come to NH and register...

It all boils down to one simple thing, and yep...took me 2 years to realize it. In the words of 'makeeverydaycnt' AKA MEDC... I grew a set of ballz. And when I get home, my relationship with my WIFE is DEPENDANT of her ACCEPTING the FACT I have a relationship with my kids from a previous marriage. I would love for her to have a relationship with them as well, but it's not mandatory nor a condition for her and I to stay married.

Bottom line... his loss. And he knows it. Hopefully he will see the light as I have.

"Child Impact" Perhaps Dad should come to NH and register..."

I wish he would - actually he could be passing the first "Live Free or Die" sign in under half an hour.

I wish the child who visits often would push the issue, but either she is scared to rock the boat or she has actually been convinced that the favoritism is justified - I think she is too smart to believe the latter.

I've about given up hope that he will ever see the light - it's been almost 9 years since he left, and the situation is getting worse and worse. Yes, his current wife is a control freak. He can't make a phone call to me without her standing next to him and interrupting. He likes to avoid conflict, unless he is the one starting it and he thinks he can intimidate the person he is arguing with.

She has trust issues....

9 years is still not too late. It's never too late to get back inot your children's lives. If you can email him, maybe pointing him to my 'dilema" might shine some light for him too?

That's a thought. One concern would be that I suspect she screens his emails. She definitely often emails me pretending to be him. Their writing styles are easy to distinguish, because he's an engineer and she's an Ivy League English major.

On one occasion, he tried to get me to call her so she could explain some insurance issue. I refused, and, as I expected, he did a perfectly good job of explaining it. He is a highly intelligent guy, and he used to be very competent.

She definitely has trust issues.

Sounds to me like that marriage is doomed too.... unless he enjoys living that way. (Like I WAS)...

I can't imagine that he would enjoy living like that, but I don't understand the person he has become. He seems to do a fantastic job of compartmentalizing.