I'm posting this message here as we are in negotiations of what to do with our marriage. My husband is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. He's 31. In the past few months he has told me he is changing and is looking at our relationship. Obviously I was not meeting his emotional needs. He and I have been together since he was 21 and I, 23. We lived together for 7 years and have been married for over 2. He's gone to stay with his friend for a week or a weekend on and off. I've traveled out of state for 10 days at a time twice as well as other travel. Today, I finally presented him with the question: What do you want to do? Some days I feel like he wants to work on things, other days not. This subject came to head this week because I got an email from him that said, "I have been cheating on you for the past 5 months. I suck." He told me that he did not write this message. He said it was spam. I said that I found it to be too coincidental of a subject, that it'd be more believable to me if it said it was selling me a Rolex or prescription drugs or something of sorts. I do realize that spam messages can be sent on someone else's behalf, I can't help to wonder if someone did it to send me a message rather than it being random spam. Or perhaps there is someone who is trying to screw with us (like this girl he was flirty with) just for the sake of screwing with us. I asked him point blank, "Have you been cheating on me?" He said "NO!" I said, "Have you ever cheated on me in whole time we've been together?" and again he said "NO!" I told him when I asked him that if that was his answer, I'd try my best to believe him but that he'd have to see things from my perspective. A few friends of mine suggested that he really may be telling the truth, as if he really was cheating on me and this mail was sent by him or someone else, then why would he deny it especially given the state of our relationship? I did ask him last night that if he has nothing to hide from me, then let me take a look at his My Space messages. He refused. I told him that I have nothing to hide from him.

He said when I'm gone, he misses me, but once I come back, he feels lackluster about us. He said he doesn't feel passion or excitement about me. We've seen a therapist about this who (as well as I) have explained that after 10 years, you are not going to feel like you did when you first met. On my end, I've done everything I can think of to spice things up. He says my actions are not genuine. My response is that when in a marriage, the spouse communicates to the other what they need, and if it's a good, caring marriage, the other does what they can to modify their actions.

I asked him what he wants to do.I just finally have gotten to a point where I am tired of him flip-flopping with me. I need to know where we stand. I'm not ok with a seperation if a seperation means that he is free to be with other people. I do not want him back if he chooses to be with women. We got into a discussion about what would happen to our house. Since we are still join tenants in common from before we married, I said I'd like him to buy me out since I am not from here originally. If we divorce, I plan to leave the state. We own a business together. He said, "Well could we still be business partners?" I said no. I said if we end up divorcing that I never want to talk to him or anyone else from here again. The pain I've gone through with him and living here in general is enough for me. If we're done, then I need to move on and for me to move on is to never communicate or see him again. Ever. He also brought up trying to work things out. He asked me what would we do to do that? I said I think we need to try again to get help from Dr. Harvey (the first time we tried, my appointments kept getting delayed so I got fed up and canceled). I believe in the concepts of Dr. Harvey's books and I think he is definately on to something with his theories.

So my question to all of you, is what do I do? I have been seeing my therapist on and off (more recently on though given the escalation once again of this subject). I told him he is free to decide what he wants to do. Deep down inside I think that he doesn't want to be the bad guy in this and that he has been trying to anger me and push me to the point to make me do it so he can blame me (he doesn't like to take responsibility for himself, rather when we discuss his behavior, he likes to turn the story around and start pointing out my faults). I'm going to see out a lawyer to find out what should I do on my end if he chooses to leave me.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. I'm also going to post this in Negotiations as I would like to see if anybody there can help in regard to that topic (so please don't respond and yell at me for double-posting). I have reached rock-bottom here with my marriage and I really need help.

Thanks.

Tell him if he wants to fix his marriage, he needs to take some action. His behavior looks long-standing from what you've said... "he doesn't like to take responsibility for himself". If he wants a great marriage, he can have it, but not if he does nothing. If this were not his M.O., I would say read Dr. Harley's info and do Plan A.

But, I just got out of a relationship with someone like this and I can tell you the more you move around, the more of you sticks to their spiderweb. You can't win if he's used to blaming and can't see himself. A lot of men think the relationship is the woman's responsibility, but the truth is usually the opposite... men often define how well or how badly it is possible for the woman to respond and our response is usually their behavior being 'played back' to them. Men are built to lead the dance. The dance won't go well if they don't know the steps and then some, like yours, stoop to blaming you for stepping on their feet, because it's easier to be in denial that they don't know what they're doing.

So, it's a risk... Plan A. BTW, my ex denied he was having an affair even when caught red-handed. In his own mind, he rationalized that since he'd moved out of our bedroom (a situation he set up based on lies) that he was free to behave as he pleased. His rationale was that we were "estranged" (yet living together as husband and wife in one bedroom or the other, but his clothes occupied a different closet). I read somewhere that it can be a good sign if they're still lying, because it means somewhere inside of them they don't want to let go. The problem is, this is just one zing in the bazing of back and forth infidelity (and it's inherent foundation of deception), so it's a risk regardless.

I sense that you've taken on more than your share of responsibilities in this relationship - that it's been imbalanced from the beginning, just not overtly so. There's this thing called being "unevenly yoked" (doesn't mean one Christian and one not - both could be or not). It just means that one is more capable, more functional, stronger than the other and so the burdens fall on that person as a natural result of the dynamic. It is possible that this is the case in your marriage and if so, it could be like rowing upstream to fix the marriage. On the other hand, if your husband is willing to make honest accountable efforts under the watchful help of a counselor, it might produce results. But, he WILL have to change and it sounds like he is VERY resistant to change, based on what you've said.

Maybe do a shorter Plan A - really use the last of your relational energy up for 6-8 weeks and pour on the love (but don't do anything immoral) and see what his response is. See if then he's willing to go under examination and make some changes. If not, I would say go immediately to Plan B and then onto divorce. Just know that Plan A will drain you with no guarantee, so don't spend of yourself what you can't afford. You're the best judge of that.

In my own situation, my ex was raised in a very accomodating environment. He wasn't spoiled necessarily, just had all his needs met in a very stable predictable environment. His parents were living an emotional cold war (no real affectionate connection), so healthy relationship was never modeled for him. His mother was expected to deal with whatever father brought home. He would 'silent-treatment' her if he was unhappy. She was at his mercy and had to figure out how to make life work, relationships work, children, etc. It was a lonely existence for her. So, my ex grew up with this warped idea of love. He thinks (without realizing it) that you can behave pretty much any way you want and wifey will 'put up'. Any show of resistance or protest is seen as offense. He is in complete denial that he manifests the turmoil. In essence, he's passive and he thinks that works. Unfortunately, that mindset is DESTRUCTIVE to relationships which require 'relations' of unpredictable sorts. He wants relationship, but he doesn't want to do real 'relations'. Kinda crazy, huh? It's a very covert and very destructive dynamic, which makes the other person look crazy in the end. It's like passive-aggression, but it's less detectable.

Do reply if anything rings a bell.

Best wishes!

(P.S. - There are men who need a different woman for every season of their life. Like they're having hormone fluctuations and/or feeling differently depending on how the world defines and treats them at any particular age and they can't believe dealing with those things is actually their own responsibility and not the result of your treatment or faults. It's like they feel a certain way and are oblivious to what's causing those feelings and they happen to come home to you every night and think, "hey, it must be her!". It's crazy, but they do it. I don't know if this is the case for you, but these tendencies of your husband's to blame and deflect attention from himself looks like it.)

Thanks for your very insightful feedback.

Today we have not discussed this topic. He is talking to me, he asked me what I was doing this morning and asked me how my work meeting went. There is something about the way that he looks at me that I can't put my finger on. It's like he's watching me out of the corner of his eye and he's smirky, like sort of smiling at me. I think something is still there for me. Maybe I'm just not seeing things right, but I just get a feeling. He isn't avoiding me, but he did move out of our office and use our spare bedroom as his office. He said that made him very happy to do so, he thought maybe not being in the same office together would help. If you ask my opinion, I think he wants to work on the relationship but he doesn't know how to. When I asked him yesterday, he said "I don't know."

My husband also didn't have a good model marriage to learn from. He admitted to me yesterday that he didn't even really understand that marriage was such a big deal. For instance, one of his good friends from high school asked him to stand up in his wedding. He turned him down because he didn't feel like wearing a suit. I think he knows now what it means. I don't think that is any excuse in our case though.

I've asked him why he married me in the first place. He claims that his family as well as I pressured him. That is not true. While I cannot speak for his family, I do know that I did not make a big deal about finally getting married. While he says this, my mom says that something struck her rather profoundly at our wedding. My husband is a very quiet, passive person. But the look on his face the day we got married said it all. My mom said she firmly believes he really loves and cares about me, but he's off track right now. His mom thinks he has peter pan syndrome where he wants to keep being a boy.

As nutso as this sounds I still love him. I am angry at myself for allowing him to continue to treat me poorly during this time, but I am trying to be tolerant as possible of his situation. I want the passion back in our marriage.

Hello HudDoesntLove,
You are not in the alone in this....I went through the samething for almost a year, it was even more painful because I was pregnant with our first DS. The first time I asked him if he loved me I was shocked when he responded "I love you but am not in love with you". I heard the same quote day after day, it would break my heart into tiny pieces. I would ask him what he wanted to do with our marriage and like your H, he stated he didn't know. We have been separated on three occasions and like your H, he missed me when my DS and I were not there, but once we returned home, he felt suphocated. At this moment, I filed for D and CC for our DS. He seems to still be at full swing with the OW because basically he just doesn't care. We are about to lose our him (which he is living in) becaus he doesn't want to pay for it. Like you, I gave my H everything and he took it ALL for granted. Your not nuts to say that you still love your H. I do to, and boy has he done things to make me fall out of love for him. Be strong and don't give up so easily on your M or it will eventually get lost.

Hi again,

If you two are living and working together, it could just be that it's too much together time. If he says it helped moving into a different room, that could be it. But, if you suspect an affair, it could just be that made it easier for him.

Is there any way you can get proof? Someone posted information on how to get definitive proof. Look in the posts for this subject. Maybe you could do that.

I still love my ex, but upon further examination, I find that I love the man I thought I used to know. We tend to project onto people those traits that we've seen in other people or in ourselves. Be careful you're really assessing his character correctly. It might be helpful for you to see a counselor who can help you separate yourself from who your husband really is. We become interdependent in marriage, but we can also become codependent where there are weaknesses in one another. It isn't anything to be ashamed about. It's just another step in growing. Just be careful not to 'read into' any of his behavior.

The only control we really have is in our own decisions or actions. That's all you can change. Now might be a good time for self-examination and to create more definition of who you are, what you want and what direction you're going in life. I had written in my wedding vows that love doesn't just consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but of looking together in the same direction. Even though I'm divorced, I still believe this. In fact, my ex had no direction and that was the main problem.

It might do you good to spend time figuring out what your direction in life is and that might also inspire him to do the same. It might even attract him if you're distracted with that - it's kind of a hard-to-get magnetism dynamic.

Another approach is to find out what your inborn temperaments are. It could just be that your relationship is stalling because you really don't understand each other's basic temperaments. This is something the National Christian Counselor's Association endorses in it's member's practices and it has transformed the way I've learned to view people in general. There are things about ourselves that we can't change. It's who we are. If you understand his temperament, you will be well armed to inspire him and love him well and he'll feel it. The same in reverse. You can probably look on their website for someone local to you who can give you this very simple test. It only took me about 10-15 minutes to complete, but the results were profound.

I hope that gives you hope and something more to work with.

Be well!