I'm posting this message here as we are in negotiations of what to do with our marriage. My husband is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. He's 31. In the past few months he has told me he is changing and is looking at our relationship. Obviously I was not meeting his emotional needs. He and I have been together since he was 21 and I, 23. We lived together for 7 years and have been married for over 2. He's gone to stay with his friend for a week or a weekend on and off. I've traveled out of state for 10 days at a time twice as well as other travel. Today, I finally presented him with the question: What do you want to do? Some days I feel like he wants to work on things, other days not. This subject came to head this week because I got an email from him that said, "I have been cheating on you for the past 5 months. I suck." He told me that he did not write this message. He said it was spam. I said that I found it to be too coincidental of a subject, that it'd be more believable to me if it said it was selling me a Rolex or prescription drugs or something of sorts. I do realize that spam messages can be sent on someone else's behalf, I can't help to wonder if someone did it to send me a message rather than it being random spam. Or perhaps there is someone who is trying to screw with us (like this girl he was flirty with) just for the sake of screwing with us. I asked him point blank, "Have you been cheating on me?" He said "NO!" I said, "Have you ever cheated on me in whole time we've been together?" and again he said "NO!" I told him when I asked him that if that was his answer, I'd try my best to believe him but that he'd have to see things from my perspective. A few friends of mine suggested that he really may be telling the truth, as if he really was cheating on me and this mail was sent by him or someone else, then why would he deny it especially given the state of our relationship? I did ask him last night that if he has nothing to hide from me, then let me take a look at his My Space messages. He refused. I told him that I have nothing to hide from him.
He said when I'm gone, he misses me, but once I come back, he feels lackluster about us. He said he doesn't feel passion or excitement about me. We've seen a therapist about this who (as well as I) have explained that after 10 years, you are not going to feel like you did when you first met. On my end, I've done everything I can think of to spice things up. He says my actions are not genuine. My response is that when in a marriage, the spouse communicates to the other what they need, and if it's a good, caring marriage, the other does what they can to modify their actions.
I asked him what he wants to do.I just finally have gotten to a point where I am tired of him flip-flopping with me. I need to know where we stand. I'm not ok with a seperation if a seperation means that he is free to be with other people. I do not want him back if he chooses to be with women. We got into a discussion about what would happen to our house. Since we are still join tenants in common from before we married, I said I'd like him to buy me out since I am not from here originally. If we divorce, I plan to leave the state. We own a business together. He said, "Well could we still be business partners?" I said no. I said if we end up divorcing that I never want to talk to him or anyone else from here again. The pain I've gone through with him and living here in general is enough for me. If we're done, then I need to move on and for me to move on is to never communicate or see him again. Ever. He also brought up trying to work things out. He asked me what would we do to do that? I said I think we need to try again to get help from Dr. Harvey (the first time we tried, my appointments kept getting delayed so I got fed up and canceled). I believe in the concepts of Dr. Harvey's books and I think he is definately on to something with his theories.
So my question to all of you, is what do I do? I have been seeing my therapist on and off (more recently on though given the escalation once again of this subject). I told him he is free to decide what he wants to do. Deep down inside I think that he doesn't want to be the bad guy in this and that he has been trying to anger me and push me to the point to make me do it so he can blame me (he doesn't like to take responsibility for himself, rather when we discuss his behavior, he likes to turn the story around and start pointing out my faults). I'm going to see out a lawyer to find out what should I do on my end if he chooses to leave me.
Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. I'm also going to post this in Divorcing as I would like to see if anybody there can help in regard to that topic (so please don't respond and yell at me for double-posting). I have reached rock-bottom here with my marriage and I really need help.
Thanks.
