We will be married 17yrs. in a couple weeks. We have 2 young boys. I just discovered an email that confirms my husband is having an affair. A long distance one with a supplier to his company. It seems she is visiting next week while I am out of town.

I have been asking a lot of questions lately and certainly have asked, and been lied to many times in the last several months, if he is seeing someone.

I never dreamed this possible from the most highly moral person I know.

I am devasted and angry about what this means for my boys. He is negating all I am trying to teach my sons about honesty, what it means to have good morales and be a good person, husband and father.

I don't know how to proceed with this information.....I don't want to show my cards until I have a plan that will protect my children and I. I don't know anyone that has gone through this and am completely naive.

Where do I start? What do I need to know, do to protect the boys and I?

Desperately needing advice,
Kim

I'm in the same boat as you. I just found my husbands online profiles on two adult hookup sites. I'm hurt and mad. We have a small child and I'm a SAHM. As far as I can tell he didn't contact any of the women but I'm not sure. Just the intent on it is killing me.

I know just what you are feeling and it sucks. Try to remain calm and put together a plan. There are lots of articles on here that can help you

Hi Kim. I am very sorry you are here but there is help.

Consider reposting the above at the General Questions II forum as there is a lot more traffic there and the old timers hang out there more.

Get yourself the book Surviving an Affair by Harley as soon as possible.

Keep snooping for evidence. Cell bills, credit cards bills,
the computer.

Is the email you have blatantly confirming or is there wiggle room for wayward excuses?

Read everything you can here regarding the concepts and Plans.

Exposure of the affair to everyone who can help is considered the #1 affair busting event here.

You will have to find out who she is and if she is married.

Exposure to his work is neccessary as well.

As you read here yopu will find many stories just like yours and come to have a better knowledge of the functioning of a wayward spouse brain. It's not pretty and it's not logical.

Keep reading. More will post and consider starting this thread again at GQII.

Do you have to go on this trip?

Did the email detail where they plan to hook up?

Thanks for your quick reply.

The email implies that they have been involved a while, how long I'm not sure.

I don't think me staying home will make a difference. I expect she will be staying in a hotel near his place of work (another town). Even if I stay home, he'll just say he's going out or find an excuse.

I don't believe I'm going to stop it from happening by staying home.

I thought about a PI but I have enough proof in the email that he is having the affair, I think having it re-confirmed with photos etc. will only be re-traumatizing!?

I have her name, email, work addresses and work, cell numbers. But I don't know anything more about her.

Part of me wants to know all there is to know and exactly how long it has been going on etc. But really, the fact that it IS, is really all that is significant. Whether it has happened once or for years really probably doesn't have any real bearing - am I just still in shock?!

How do I post on "General Questions II"?

If you choose to fight for your marriage:

Get your irrefutable proof of the affair as soon as possible.

Confront and expose to everyone who can help to cripple the affair. Exposure kills affairs.

Take whatever steps are necessary to protect your finances for you and your boys.

Initiate Plan A. Read everything you can about it.

Achieve No Contact for life between the affair partners. When the affair is over he can never see her or work with her again.

There will be no logic or reasoning with him until the affair is over and he has withdrawn from the thrill he gets from the emotional needs she provides him.

Be prepared for a long and hard fight. This does not end quickly and for you it has just begun.



You can open a new post over there and just copy and paste all these posts into a single starting post.

or Click on the Moderator link and request if the thread can be moved intact to GQ II.


Start with search engines and some of those free people finder sites.

If you think you have enough with your email you need to confront and expose before their hook-up. Don't ever tell him your going to expose to her H assuming there is one (bet there is) or to both of their employers.

I don't know how to find out if she is married.

She lives a long way away. How are you suggesting that I confront her?

We have joint accounts on everything. How do I "protect my finances" for myself and the boys?

I really don't know the first thing about what to do here.

Thanks for your email. Sorry to hear about your story too. I am REALLY NEW at all of this chat and don't know the lingo yet - what does "SAHM" mean?

I was shocked to find out a couple weeks ago that my husband too was visiting porn sites. I don't think he registered, or made any contacts either, but who knows. I hear and know your pain - I am totally devastated, lost and lonely.

All of this is so far out of character for this moral, proud, old-fashioned guy that I have known for 20 years! I am now doubting everything!!

I have just visited the site, and this is the first site I've been to, today. I am trying to figure everything out and appreciate your response.

I know I have to put together a "Plan" but I am overwhelmed I guess and am having a hard time finding a place to start.

It's really not in my character to make things messy by telling people at his work (where I used to work too). Seems to me that that really doesn't look good on me. But so far everything I read here says tell everyone and their employers.

Good luck to you as well.

How was the marriage before the affair?

What kind of things did he complain about?

I think Chrisner is saying confront your H. If you do this get all his email addy's, passwords, etc. because you are going to want to keep checking those. Keep up with cell phone bills so you can check if they are still in contact.
Once you confront H, he needs to establish NC immediately. And as chrisner says NEVER tell your H what or how you found out, nor what you are going to do. YOu need to hush...remember he can't be trusted right now, so protect mode.

On protecting your finances...If you are the one who handles the finances for your family it's a bit easier but it can still be done if you don't, just means more snooping. Can you move money to an account with only your name on it so you have a safety net for bills, etc? Keep an eye on credit card bills.

WH's once confronted have been known to run up high credit card bills and/or get cash advances from them, leaving YOU with debt. It's also not outside of reason that some have even wiped out checking/savings/ira's, etc accounts and leave wife and children with NOTHING. Again remember YOU can't trust him right now. If all works out fine, no harm no foul.

(((keep reading)))

Enter the info you know here and it may break it down for you.

Intellus


There is no real reason to confront her. That usually ends poorly. You can expose without ever talking to her. You confront your WH as soon as you have enough proof. Don't give up your sources. Don't even show your proof unless he denies repeatedly. Keep multiple copies of all your findings.


Prior to confrontation and exposure you need to consider
taking out the money you and the kids need and starting your own account. For me you equal 1/3 and the kids equal 1/3.

This board is filled with stories of wayward spouses cleaning out the banks after they have been rooted out.

How will your wayward husband respond?

Break into tears, beg forgivness, promise it's over? It happens that way sometimes but they never keep that promise.

Will he get angry you know, tell you he has not loved you for years, storm out of the house and clean out the accounts? We see that one around here plenty.

You need to consider getting legal advise.

We have been needing to reconnect since the kids arrived - 10 years ago. We haven't made our marriage a priority (despite my attempts on occasion to discuss how we need to focus on "us"). I have been trying for years to get him to agree to "date nights" but he always comes up with an excuse - money or time usually.


He isn't a communicator. That was always my biggest complaint. So to answer your question, he never really made a big deal out of anything but has mentioned that I don't initiate sex enough and that I don't hear him.

I realized that I sometimes tune him out when he is talking to me while the kids are busy talking, fighting or doing something as well. I told him quite some time ago that I would work on becoming a better listener and have been attempting to stop and focus on him when he is speaking. He, however, gives me little opportunity - going to bed when the kids do and getting up at 3:30 am.

I think it looks very good for a woman to stand up and fight for her family. But you have to do it calm, controlled and sincere.

Waywards want the secret kept so the affair can continue. They always whine and snivel that we can't air our dirty laundry because they want the affair to continue.

They will frequently try to negotiate on this. You don't negotiate with liars.

Affairs survive and thrive in the dark. Exposure is the light that kills it.

If you want to find out whether or not the other woman is married, send me a private message. I assure you, I can find out.

Get the proof of their affair and expose to your WH's HR and OW's HR departments. They might fire her for sleeping with a married client. At least she may not service your WH's area anymore (sorry if "service" wasn't the best word).

Kim222,

I can only share what I experienced in a somewhat same kind of situation.

I had booked a flight to go someplace with a friend of mine. This was back in the year 2ooo. Shortly before I found out about my husbands affair.

They too had planned to meet and had everything organized. OWH was going away th same time so they didn't have to worry about any of us.

I discovered his affair just approx. 2 days before my flight was going to be.

What did I do???

Well, I cancelled everything. I confronted my husband with what I knew and told him that I was NOT flying.
I had discovered my husbands affair due to his cellphone bill and I confronted him with the facts that I had.
I told him that I knew everything without getting into the fighting mode. I must of appeared very determined because he broke down quit quickly. He knew that he wasn't in the position to play with me.

After him sqirming for abit, he opened up and told me it was true. I told him that I wouldn't accept any OW. He phoned OW and told her it was over.

I told me husband that either OW should tell her OWH or I'd do it. OW ended up telling her husband the same day.

The fact that the affair was now discovered and both sides knew about it...........ruined their plans. Of course they didn't end up going anywhere................

Meeting each other secretely was a part of their exciting fantasy. But boy, did that go down the drain......

I'd say that the first step to keep all of you safe is to lay down the proof you have and confront him!!!! Make copies of what you have.
Take one step after another and wait to see what his reaction is.

bb

You have to break it up, one way or another!

If you confront him beforehand, I recommend you ask him about it and see what he says. And then confront him with your proof.

Or you could try to catch them at lunch. I don't really recommend that, but it sure would have an impact on their fantasy world.

I certainly would expose the truth to her as well.

I am interested in knowing more......I don't know how to send you a "private messge" though.

So far all I have is the email....it talks about the date they are going to see each other. Just not sure it is enough to confront my husband with yet.

I'm trying to find a lawyer that can see me asap and tell me what my options are and whether this is enough if he denies it.

Kim222,

would you have enough time to find a PI? If you have the date when they want to meet, it shouldn't be difficult to follow him...............
Do you have the OW email adress?

bb