I keep reading on here: Tell now! Don't waste time, expose the affair!

I am satisfied that my H's affair did end 2 months ago when I figured things out. (Which doesn't mean I trust him now.) My entire family knows and his entire family knows. All of our family live elsewhere though.

We live in a small town - I don't think everyone gossiping about us will help ME or help my child. I sure don't care about my husband or OP being hurt by what they did. In fact they deserve it. But couldn't that also backfire? Like if they are faced with tons of condemnation 1)they will think they need each other more 2) if they are getting in "trouble" for it anyway, why not do it?

The OP is going through a long drawn out divorce and has 3 kids. Her husband is no prize. I did NOT tell him about the affair. But I am starting to think he deserves to know.

I felt the OP needed some kind of accountability - and her family is kind of like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." So I went to them and told what their daughter (my best friend of many years) had been doing with my H. I knew they would be devastated and be aware of her daily actions. (Minimizing some attempt to continue with my H.)

My counselor seems to think it is really important NOT to share our affair with everyone. Why am I getting mixed signals on this topic?

Should I tell all?

SB,
We do not advocate telling ALL. We advocate telling all who MATTER. Only those who would have an impact on the wayward spouse. Only those who might be able to influence the WS against the affair.
Certainly you do not include the baker, the dry cleaner, etc. in your exposure circle.
But MOST DEFINITELY you would tell the other person's spouse! That person has the RIGHT to the truth. And that person will be able to monitor the activities of the OP, and ideally stop the affair from that side....

Well, Dr. Harley surely advocates full exposure...even to one's children. How about reading what he says about it before you decide you know better.

[b][i] [color:"blue"] {CLICK HERE} [/color] [/i][/b]

And here's more:

[b][i] [color:"blue"] {CLICK HERE TOO} [/color] [/i][/b]


Or how about this?

[b][i] [color:"blue"] {EXPOSING TO CHILDREN} [/color] [/i][/b]

OK, thanks for the clarity. As for OP husband keeping tabs on her - he has no interest in her anymore (they are getting divorced) and I don't think he would really impact her actions. That was why I chose her mother - who spends a ton of time at their home.

So - if the OP's husband likely won't effect OP actions - should he still know?

He is a HUGE gossiper and I think he will tell all -- I really think everyone I know will know -- because he will use it to make himself look like the victim and make her look bad. I don't care about that -- I just don't want it to be at my expense.

God, I sound like I should be on Jerry Springer. I hate that this is not the life I chose!

longhorn -- who was your diatribe directed to?

And by the way, the posts you referenced really don't back up the question. They are about exposure in general, and not specific as to the targets. And I would suggest that children definitely fall into the cateogory of "need to know".

?????

It appears the KEY fact here is that the A has been over for 2 months and IS NOT ongoing. Full exposure seems to be for ongoing affairs ... if the A is over, exposure is optional.

Thread jack:

Your opinion is noted, Lex. My “diatribe” (lol) wasn’t a diatribe and the list of relevant threads on this site was a response to the question asked. May I suggest in the future you give your best advice to those coming here, addressing them directly, and I’ll continue to do the same?

End thread jack.

Lexxy is right on the mark here.

Its more about WHERE you are in the process,
which determines whom should be told.

Hey,
When your still trying to pry the 2 Affaireeeees apart ........many times its Very Necessary to shout it to the world.
Which is sadly most uncomfortable for ALL involved. Just a reality.

However,
once an affair is [really] over ....then IMO the only person who NEEDS to know, is the OPS.
This is the bare minimum.

If you can,
Try not to get your situation and advice mixed up with others here that most likely are on a different Time Line then you may be.
Good Luck in your journey! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Exposure is to bring the A out of the dark and into the light. People like the A when they can sneak around in the dark, if everyone knows it helps to STOP the A because now there is no sneaking, everyone knows.

As far as the kids go there are things that depend, there age, did daddy leave, is the A still going on (then there age with that) there are many things to consider with kids.

if the A has been over for two months and your sure that it's not going on anymore and the families know then who else is there? you said the H of the OW is divorcing her, I am assuming he knows? if he dosen't you do need to tell him, he needs to know. You need to weigh these things out and who to tell, it needs to be people that will help.

Dr. Harley says that the other BS should always be told...Exposure to the other BS is NOT optional...They have EVERY right to the truth about their life and most definitely should be told...

Mrs. W

Good luck, SB. If you read the threads, you'll find out Dr. Harley recommends the OWS be informed even if the adultery has been over for six months. Keep digging through the threads and perhaps even take a look at Charlotte22's thread for some up-to-date discussion.

It's your choice, but I think if you do your research, you'll find the majority of MB folks who do not expose wind up with less than satisfactory results.

My best wishes and the best of luck to you.

Edited to correct my punctuation error. I hate that.

**longhorn -- I asked, because I thought YOUR response was directed at MY answer. And I thought before I jumped to that conclusion and got offended with your "before you decide you know better" comment I would clarify who you directed that to. **

Oh yea [should have put this in the other post],
in a perfect world ......I too believe that children should know what is going on in their lives. [Age appropriate of course]

Cause like it or Not ......adultery impacts on EVERYONE!!
IT really is a family issue.

I mean kids MISINTERPERT things all the time .........so don't ever FOOL yourself into believing that they can't Feel and Recognize when something is Wrong between the parents.
Especially something this BIG!

Unfortunately,
when they are kept in the dark ........many times they incorrectly Blame themselves and take on Unnecessary guilt/blame/shame ......all because parents are doing it for their own good .

Interestingly enough,
that is much the Same Thought Process that my WW used to "protect" me from HER poor choices and actions.
{Sadly that didn't work out soooo well from my side}.

So instead of addressing the real issues and problems .......I thought *I* was doing something wrong and our problems were my fault.

Totally untrue .......but without the proper information .......I was lead to some very wrong conclusions.[about her, us AND myself]
As a result,
all of my energy and actions (and feelings) were going in the wrong direction and ended up being counter productive.

That's why its almost always better to let the truth be the truth .....and persons can make their own decisions/conclusions from there.

Keep in mind,
I'm not talking about divulging gory details ......simply letting affected parties KNOW the real reasons behind the fights, tension and otherwise unhealthy dynamics going on in the home.

OK -- Geeze. Longhorn -- I also got offended with the "before you decide you know better" comment - But decided that it is sometimes hard to interpret people's meaning when it is written and not spoken. I don't think I know better. And just for the record I have read a lot of Dr. Harley's words - I was sitting down with my husband 3 years ago with the His Needs Her Needs workbook (after a friend's affair made me think about prevention for us). Well - we still missed some things- but I can't keep looking backwards. Our "recovery" has so far been as good as one could expect.

Thanks everyone (yes you too Longhorn) for caring enough about others to help out on these boards.

SB, look...what I wrote wasn't meant to offend you. It was meant to shock you and wake you up. I'm not sure how you know your husband's adultery is over. Frankly, it's been my experience from nearly 4 years of lurking and then posting out here that when one is sure the adultery is over, that's the time to be most suspicious. If no one knows but you, it's SO easy to "go underground" and reconnect with the other person.

When I wrote the line you don't like, I wanted to point out that Dr. Harley is a practicing psychologist who has decades of experience in dealing with the obscenity of adultery and he has literally seen it all. I think one SHOULD defer to Dr. Harley's program. If you don't, are you not setting your opinion above his?

Okay, there are probably all kinds of subtle things in your particular situation which you may feel warrant a different plan of action. Are you sure? Well, how about calling Dr. Harley's radio program and setting those differences out for his evaluation? Can you do that? If you do, I'll add your experience to my list of threads about exposure so I can assist someone else down the line.

Failing that, how about getting a private counseling session with Steve Harley?

Sorry you were offended, but try to look beyond that, okay?

I'm definitely not that offended. Thank you for all the thought provoking words. I have read about everything I can on the MB website and my H has read a lot too. I didn't know one could get a session with Steve Harley.

I will ponder these things today!! Thanks!

Longhorn, SB and all,

LH, I used your Exposure 101 link to research my options when I heard that it was imperative to expose to OWH. But it was 2 months after D-Day #4 and 6 months after D-Day #1.

I called the radio show and Dr. Harley personally told me and my H that after the affair is over for sure, exposure is optional and has inherent risks that must be considered.

* Possibility of re-awakening feelings of the OP and your WS due to the correspondences necessary for the exposure.

* Violence on the part of the OPS.

* Exposure is the right thing to do and a courtesy to the betrayed spouse because he/she deserves to know.

But I've also heard that exposure to OPS may be impoossible if the couple is now divorced and the OPS is not able to be found, but the attempt may cause both WSs to re-ignite feelings for each other.

Other resources that helped me were excerpts from WATS and BobP and Weaver's posts.

I weighed my risks and exposed soon thereafter, and it has helped us rebuild our trust, even if the OPS did not acknowledge he received my exposure packet or even say 'thanks'. But at least we did it. And it's helping us recover regardless what the OW and her BH do.

Ace

Sb - if the affair is over, then apart from OP's Spouse and your children, there is no need to further expose - that would just be punitive.

Widespread exposure for an active affair is warranted but if it is truely over then limit the damage. Apart from OP's Spouse and Children.

Ace, thanks for relaying Dr. Harley's advice on the subject. I think you put this in one of your threads sometime back, didn't you? Could be my poor ol' memory is playing tricks on me.

Anyway, I'm sure there might even be other circumstances that could and should be weighed before exposing well after a D-Day. One that I could think of would be an illness or emotional instability on the part of an otherwise eligible person to whom one would expose.

I think many people are passing by one hidden benefit of exposing, even if it's well afterward and the couple is trying hard for a recovery. Simply put, it is the relief one feels when one doesn't have to hide anything anymore. It's why criminals confess; it's why children own up to misconduct. Guilt can be a poison that makes progress impossible and exposing the guilt may clear the air so a couple can move forward. In some cases, I think it may allow a reconciliation where nothing else would serve. Just my opinion.

It's really great you and your husband are recovering. Best of everything to you and yours, hear?

LH, SB, others,



Actually, it's on the Mr. romAnCE saga thread linked to my sig line. I originally registered on MB forums to get tips for rebuilding trust and discovered that exposure to OPS was one way to help get an extra "set of eyes" on the other end. Plus, were you around in mid January when I inadvertantly started a firestorm when I misunderstood another post and tried to help a Newbie (suggesting that exposure to OPS was optional) and got blasted by 4x8 sheets of plywood? It wasn't pretty but helped us tremendously. (Lousygolfer came to my defense and was able to clarify because he has access to Dr. Harley's private forum.)

SB, are you clear on your motivation for delayed exposure? LH's additional condition is also a risk to consider.


In our case, there were some extenuating circumstances:

* I had tried to be OW's friend to establish loyalty, thinking (erroneously) that she would not contact WH if she was contacting me. Stupid notion, huh!?

* It was only an EA and they had not met yet. By the time I registered on MB it was well past D-Day #3, their last time of using a draft/delete email account and illicit phone contact at H's work.

* H was willing to do anything to help me heal, even fly to OPS work location and expose and apologize to him in person if I wanted him to. Seriously stupid notion, huh??

* I was blackmailing OW by telling her that if she did NOT reconnect, I would NOT tell her H or her children or supervisors. But if she did, it would be 'bombs away'. She appeared not to be initiating contact with WH, so I sort of felt guilty violating my end of the 'bargain'.

But it was worth it for the boost our 'trust rebuilding' efforts received for following through and getting a sense of closure on the A, a chance to start over with a clean slate.

Dr. Harley suggested I send OW a copy of the audio CD detailing his suggestions to us. I did and she emailed me to say she had listened to it. (Then she said I had omitted important details ~~~ ones that justified their A, I assumed). He also said to give her a week to tell him and if she didn't, I would.

She taunted me, so I called him the next day instead of a week later. (She said "There's no reason to tell my H anything because he knows all and I have nothing to hide." When I called him to confirm that he, (not an asst.) would open a packet marked 'confidential', he obviously did not know, but said thanks for trying to keep things confidential.

I do have regrets, tho. I wish I had informed OPS of the sexual exchanges his wife and my husband experienced. I did not specify anything I did not have tangible proof of and the emails and voicemails had all been erased.

What proof do you have SB? It must be incriminating or they could try to blow it off as 'just kidding friendly' banter. Fortunately I had hand written notes in addition to the emails, which we could not have gotten off the server without a court order.

Hope you decide soon, SB. We'll help you if you need support.



I think it's a very valid opinion, LH, one that makes a lot of sense.


Thanks for the supportive comments, LH. We are doing well for the most part. I vent about the bumpy recovery rollercoaster ride on my Smiles & Trials 2 thread the recovery forum.

Ace