Married 7 years with a small child. I just had this nagging intuition for the last several days and I logged onto his email. I found his profile on two sexual adult hook up sites where he had filled out all his likes dislikes etc. Look for discretion. I'm crushed. We have an active sex life and I've often asked him if we needed to spice things up or make things different in bed and he has said no. Guess most guys won't tell you if there is a problem.

I logged onto his account and didn't see that he had responded to them because they are still in bold print but one had been clicked on. I don't think he replied because you have to pay and the sent box was empty but what do I know he could totally be in contact.

I handle all the money in the marriage so I would notice any wierd charges but he could find another way.

What should I do. I have to confront because this is eating me alive and I would just rather be alone then second guessing his every move.

Is this ground enough to end a marriage? I must say that I was married before and my first husband cheated on me. Part of me wants to run away because I just can't deal with this nonsense again

Have you talked to him?

If he comes clean, proves he hasn't "hooked up" with anyone, and agrees to absolute transparency (along with some MC) you may turn out just fine.

Good luck.

Obviously this is a very bad sign. But maybe, just MAYBE you caught it early, while he was still exploring the possibilities. I would advise installing a keylogger and finding out more info before you confront him. There are experts on the General Questions board who can walk you through it.

Ocean,
When I read someones post here I sometimes go back and check on previous posts made by the OP. I found some from you from the past dating back around 2 years ago. Both posts were about flirting with a co-worker but it wasn't clear if it was the same woman. Now you have found this. I would keep looking for more information. What ever happened with the co-worker/workers from the past? Did the flirting stop?

Well the thing with the coworker died down. I guess the newness wore off and she also got promoted to be his boss. My gut tells me he had a crush or attraction to her that faded once they actually started working together more because his praises of her turned to complaints after time. There were no long any weird messages or behavior. I also made a point to not "police" him and work on myself and gave up the desire to change him. I realized if someone was going to cheat they would find a way.....

now it seems he tried to create a situation where he wanted to explore other women/situations. We've talked about it in depth and he is now going to call a counselor to get us in to work on this issue. Also my issue of learning to trust again.

My cousin repeated a phrase to me that I've been turning over....."you're only as faithful as your oppotunities"

Sounds like he is slowly pushing the envelope to desensitize you. You know it is wrong and stick to your guns. What do you mean by he tried to create a situation? What did you talk about and when? Was it after you found the on-line profile or had you talked about it before? What does he expect out of a counselor? Is he remorseful? It just may be the way I am reading it but it looks like he wants to get YOU counseling to "lighten-up" Make sure you approve of this counselor.

Well, i'm glad he's willing to go to counseling with you. Just make sure that your counselor agrees with the seriousness of what has occured.

My husband and I just stopped seeing a counselor (she said we were "cured" after three sessions-what a joke) and she spent most of the time trying to convince me that, since I had no proof of an actual affair, I had nothing to worry about. Crazy. Seeking out sex, whether fulfilled or not, is beyond the vows of marriage and felt just as horrible as if he DID cheat.

Husband got what he wanted... a wife who's trying to trust him again. I got.... well, not much.

Anyway, make sure you find a counselor who sees this as a serious issue and takes it as such.

Good luck with this!! It's been four years since it happened to me and I still struggle with it every single day of my life.

I do think it's possible to get things back on track though, it just takes time and work on both your parts.

want2believe

want--exactly. Even though (as far as I know) he didn't pursue it, seeking it hurts just as bad. I have to ask myself at what point was he going to cross the line and was there a time where his mind realized that his behavior was wrong?

I don't trust him honestly and that's what the counselor is for. To help me deal with this. I'm making him make the appointment because our marriage is normally one of me making things right while he suffers little. He's very shy so having him call, explain and make the appointment is a huge thing for him and I'm curious to see how long he tries to put it off.

He is supposed to be calling today. We talked in depth about it after I found the online profile but we have always talked about these matters in our marriage which just proves that even a couple that communicates can still house secrets that wound.

*update*

I wanted to pop back here in give a update because I'm still working through issues. We have been going to counseling and it has helped but I still don't trust him. Our counselor is great and I've been to see her a few times on my own to work through my trust issues and how to stop that negative voice in your head that says..."he's been caught, he's just protecting himself etc." Also the feeling still exist that he have never told the "whole" story about his online profile and the co-worker problem. She is helping me work through that but it's so hard, two steps forward and one step back.

We still have an issue (ongoing 3 years)with what I consider to be an emotional attachment to his female coworker-now his boss. I consider it an EA, but he says it's not, roles his eyes and tells me basically to get over it --because they have to talk because they work together.

Some of the things he tells me (am I'm sure there are more he doesn't)--

They same time message at work through the day-usually office gossip talk with some business talk mixed in. Based on what he does tell me in daily "bitching" about his job--it seems very unprofessional and more like equal friends conversations vs boss/employee talk.

He listens to NPR and records segments for her that he finds interesting regarding work stuff--and gives them to her, follows up on if she listened to them etc... I find this odd to "invest" this energy in her- I can't say I would ever try to "improve" my boss by doing this stuff--but maybe I can't distinguish between an EA and normal stuff--baggage from dealing with lack of trust in a marriage.

He seems to know an awful lot about her personal life, kids, habits, what's going on in her life. He claims he never talks about ours to her.

Whenever he is criticized by her (doing her boss role) he becomes sulky and pouty and has actually come home early venting about it. I think because they never established a professional boss/employee relationship (used to be equals) He really runs hot and cold with her.

Whenever I say that it sounds like he's attached he becomes defensive- then starts to cut her down maybe to deflect me from the topic or he doesn't want to even admit it to himself that he's attached to her.



My gut tells me that he is having an unprofessional relationship attachment to her and until he realizes it or stops it there will always be this gulf between us and and a level of dishonesty between us.

Ocean,

IMHO, you wouldn't have this "trust" issue if your WH wasn't giving you reasons to not trust him. It sounds like this has really worked on your self-esteem and made you think you are the "crazy" one.

Those are not healthy behaviors he has with his boss.

Is your counselor working with you on co-dependency and boundaries by any chance? Can you find another IC that you can go to without him seeing the same one?

EA's are damaging too and he sounds like he is living in his little fantasy every day while you are at home trying to "get over it".

Sorry that it's still lingering for you. I would step it up and find another IC for you and put a plan in place. If you have been meeting his EN's then he is cake-walking and that is unfair to you.

Yes, she is working with me on that. It's been hard, she tends to dig into my childhood and also my first marriage (we divorced due to his infidelity- so it's a hot button for me) which I understand her connection to wanting to investigate those issues but at the same time I want to deal with the present issue- not so much the past.

I realize that having been burned before by my first husband that I would be sensitive to any red flag that could indicate infidelity- my counselor likes to probe me to see if I'm putting that baggage on my current marriage--but I didn't "create" the issue of him being on the adult sex sites---nor did I create this situation with his co-worker. I've worked very hard before TSHTF not to infect my marriage with infidelity paranoia.

Honesty is very important to me and I value it highly. When I feel he is holding back in that department, I find myself detaching from him.

Another very important issue that she is helping me work through is how to distinguish between gut instinct and paranoia. I'm very interested in hearing how others deal with that fine line between the two once infidelity has wormed it's way into your relationship and the long lasting consequences of that.

Ocean,

Neither your childhood nor your 1st M are an excuse for what your current H is doing. Does he know about your counseling sessions and what goes on in there?

You may have areas that you need to work on and yes, you are only able to fix yourself, but his actions are not ones that should be taken lightly.

Can you get a counseling session with the Harleys?

He knows about them of course but not the details--I feel rather protective other that. She doesn't see him alone, just me and us together. I suppose he feels like he doesn't need the individual work because he explained why he did it and I should accept the story as told. Also the coworker issue he says I'm making more of it than what it is.

Like I mentioned earlier--whenever he knows I'm uncomfortable with it-he starts to dog her and cut her down which I'm sure is to throw me off the scent.

I guess I never thought of the getting other counseling since I was already seeing one. It's a thought.

I think you need additional opinions. Can you call the Harleys?

It doesn't seem like you have made much progress beyond examining YOUR childhood and "trust" issues.

You didn't make this stuff up.