Hmm... well we physically separated (he moved out) in August of 2004. We'd been living as separated for probably 2 years or so before that. I can't pinpoint the date, but I do remember the first Easter that our shop was open, we got into a huge fight and I drove around all night and parked the truck behind the shop and slept in it for a few hours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Boy I don't miss those days... from then on we "traded" for the bedroom and couch - if one of us went out of town on business, the other commandeered the bedroom back and kept it til we had to go out of town again. We didn't fight over the room - it was "squatters rights" so to speak... so I guess it was over before '04 but we lived in the same house.
I did make the mistake of getting involved with someone before the divorce was final...then I had second thoughts, then I proceeded with the divorce after asking him if he'd like to give it one more try. He wouldn't answer yes or no - just 'maybe' and he'd started corresponding with someone through an online dating service. He wouldn't give her up to try to repair the marriage, but he wouldn't just say no to me either - he wanted to eat some cake, and I wasn't going to settle for that. Just days before I had to either commit to proceeding with the divorce (papers were filed by then) or ask to put it on hold, I discovered he'd paid the online girlfriend's rent instead of his bills and one of them that went into arrears still had my name on it although he was supposed to have removed me, and it messed up my good credit score. That was the last straw and I took that as my sign that it was time to just end it, so I went ahead with the divorce.
By the grace of God, he declined or otherwise self-sabotaged both my attempts at reconciliation. Now that I've stepped outside without rose coloured glasses on, I realize that would have been a mistake to try again and it wouldn't have worked - at least not without me making lots of sacrifices, and through MB I'm learning that love isn't about sacrificing - in fact sacrificing can be a major detriment.
My divorce was final nearly 2 years ago, and he's been gone from the house for 3. While my first post-M relationship was too soon and a disaster, I was truly on my own for about 6 months after he moved out before I began that R. When that ended I was on my own for about 7 months before B asked me out on our first date.
I guess that's soon for some. I know now that I wasn't ready the first go-round - but I do feel that I'm ready this time and I'm in a healthy relationship now. This time around I wasn't even sure I wanted to accept the invitation on a date, but my friends urged me to - "they" felt I was ready - and Goodness knows they have been around for all my ups and downs - and I know they'd have told me this time (and I'd have listened!) if they didn't think I was ready.
I figured it was just a dinner date and didn't hold any expectations beyond that - and it turned out that he's a wonderful man and we're just taking things one day at at time.
Everybody's different, and everybody adjusts differently and responds differently. I know folks here suggest some rules of thumb - and I don't disagree with them - in fact I had to learn on my own the hard way that I shouldn't have got involved with anybody until my divorce was final. Had I moved on the paperwork myself (I was the one that filed) I could have been done with it before I got involved romantically with another man - but subconsciously I didn't know what I wanted at that point, and that was the huge red flag in myself that I opted to ignore. Lessons learned - the folks here were right, and I was wrong. I listen better now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
The best advice I can offer you is listen to your gut. It's our most basic instinct and intuition and somehow we manage to deliberately ignore it sometimes - when we choose to. Don't choose to ignore it. Listen carefully to it, because if that little voice is telling you something, it's usually something you need to hear, even if it isn't what you want to hear.
It sounds like you listened to your intuition by breaking off your engagement. You should be proud of yourself for that - not everybody can and not everybody does. It's hard to make a change, that's for sure, but if there was abuse and such - you'll be better off in the long run.
Take some time, work on yourself - that's what I have been doing in my alone time, and am still doing now even though I'm in a new relationship. I'm a work in progress and likely always will be - but until I took that attitude and started working on it, I kind of hung in the status quo.
Take time for you - work on you. When you're successful at that, a healthy relationship will come.
JinGA
