tst,

I've been praying for both of you all day. One thing that came to me when I nearly committed suicide.......I realized that my experiences with those feelings would some day help me empathize with others in the same circumstances so that I could be a blessing to them some day in some way.

It actually gave me the strength to avoid slamming my car into a concrete bridge abutment on my lowest of low days. There's no way I should have been behind the wheel that day.....glad my angels were working overtime.

This was not God's plan for either of you tst, but He can use it for His glory. Try to grasp that concept when you feel worthless. You are not a loser, for you are a man who made many mistakes and now have realized it. You will recover for yourself, your wife and family as well as others, for whom you might be a blessing to those who have experienced what you're now going through.

Keep posting when you can and update us on how we can continue to support you both.

Ace

tst-

Even after King David committed adultery, got his affair partner pregnant and then had her husband killed to cover it up so he could quickly marry her-once he repented, God still called him "A man after God's own heart".

Don't forget that.

Their son Solomon became the king that God had build His temple.

Here's something our pastor said this morning:

"God isn't interested in perfection. What He wants is progress."

Mistakes are only tragedies if we choose to not learn from them.

Thanks,
I finally slept last night a good 5 hours and my shakes are calming some.
My trip with my wife ends today, we are flying back home tonight. I am scared for both of us. Please encourage my wife and me.
I return to work on Wed. and that is when I know her fears will begin, and mine as well.
I have made a list of people I need to make ammends to for the harms I have done, the lies I have been caught up in and the damages I have done to my family. I asked my wife to be with me as I make these ammends so I have no wiggle room with my pride and ego. I am begining these immediatly.
I also made a list of my personal friends that I am going to meet with, again with my wife, for full disclosure of all the affair. I did not tell many people. and I feel they need to know for my own accountability.
We are sitting down to do our schedules together and carving out the times for our minimum 15 hours together.
I will follow through with her entire list. I have told her I am not limiting what I will do to her list.
we have been spending time holding each other and cuddling. These past 6 days have been a roller coaster for both. But we are in Gods hands.

Make sure to do all the reading you can about recovery after an affair, both on the Q&A columns (link on the top of the page) and the book Surviving an Affair. That is the roadmap that will steer you through this difficult time. Be patient, these things take an average of two years to recover from. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

tst,


I wanted to wish you both well in your journey towards recovery. I understand your fear of going home. My FWH and I took a 12 day trip shortly after D-d and the return home was very difficult.

Just hang in there, this takes a very long time. We are almost at the 4 year mark and we both feel bad from time to time even now.

Who

tst

Your W is struggling with many, many emotions. I am worried deeply about her and her state of mind.

When you get home,things that were there when you left are still going to be there. The triggers will be everywhere. Expect it to be very difficult. Hold SMB, tell her you are sorry. Comfort her like never before. Try to help her in her daily routines, especially the kids. Her seeing you tend to them will help her heart. When you go to work, call her during the day. Reassure her.

SMB, is feeling the worst devastation that a S can feel. She is also going to be angry, and it will come out more as time goes on. It is normal and it's something that you can handle. Try not to react. Just let her vent. She's been through the WORST days of her life and it was at your hands. Accept that responsibility.

It's time to ask for strength and step up to the plate. Your W needs you now. She needs YOU to be strong.

tst,

Here are some suggestions to help you:

1. Read SAA & HNHN both are by Dr Harley
2. Take the EN questionnaire. SMB should know about this also.

3. Call Steve H for a recovery plan.

4. Both you and your W will need closure each in a different way. Find out what each of you needs and then the other can work on being there to help. Help, not do, help. ok?

5. Read the letter in my sig link from Trueheart.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

We are back home and I am at work today. We are working hard together getting through our lists of "to do's".
Doing OK so far. I will update you when I have more time. Keep the suggestions and prayers coming. Thanks!

Still offering more <<<<<<prayers>>>>>> for your family.

Jewel

(((((((tst and SMB)))))))))

Praying for you both.

Just had a good lunch with my wife. She gave me her NC letter. I need feedback - DO NOT beat her up - I am asking for feedback to come to ME only.
"Dear OM
Out of love and respect for my husband and children, I realize I must never see you again.
Rebuilding my marriage is my top priority, and I will do whatever it takes to restore my family. My relationship with you has complicated the process of reconciliation by creating more issues to overcome.
I ask that you allow my family to continue to worship at a church we have been connected with for many years by seeking a new church for yourself.
I will not make any further contact with you, and I do not want you to make any further contact with me."

Again - Please limit feedback to me only.

tst, I would ask her to use accurate language to describe this. A "relationship" could be a "relationship" with her mother. this was an AFFAIR and she needs to say that.

I am concerned about putting the onus on him to leave your church. What will your plan be if he doesn't comply? How will you know if he does, other than running into him again at church? You can't make the man leave the church, and it is you and SMB who want no contact after all.

Do you have a back up plan in case he won't leave?

That's fine should they choose to do so. If she believes that its necessary for there to be no contact (which her letter states she believes), then should they choose not to change churches, it is equally reasonable for her to agree to change churches, right?

I would also echo what Melody said about changing the word relationship to affair.

If you want NC, it is your responsibility to find a new place to worship, not his, IMO.

TYK...first off...it is ALWAYS necessary for their to be no contact.

I agree that the language should say "affair" because that is what it is.


Someone needs to leave the church...immediately...you guys or him...and your pastor should know about this affair too.

Why isn't SMB here speaking for herself? We have supported her for a long time through this....why has she left it to you to do the talking?

I'm in tears over the idea that my affair, that led to her affair, will cost us the church where we love to worship. I just don't think either of us can afford incidental contact.
Remember to save comments to my posts for me. SMB is already feeling alienated. We need help bringing us together.

MEDC
I'm not sure she is posting right now. She is very angry and at times withdrawn.

Your wife is still very foggy. I would certainly think twice before I signed over any assets.

Also you need to let your church know what has transpired. Your pastor can make some changes in the divorce support group so this doesn't happen to anyone else. He can also make some recommendations to the OM about having no contact.

And I urge you to spend some time in AA or wherever fixing YOURSELF. I know you are doing some of that, but please consider that the damage from a 13 year affair isn't going to be repaired in a couple of months.

I am not judging, but just questioning. It seems that you're very remorse over your prior actions, but it also seemd that you were this church devoted Christian family man. What was going through your mind when you're having this affair while doing everything involving church, God, family, etc.?

Your wife's feelings for OM is not gone yet, and it will probably not be gone for a long time to come. If he is persistent, your marriage could be in trouble.

By the way, your wife's letter is clearly asking for more communication and correspondences and interactions between her and him. You (and her) need to ask yourself, what's more important, your marriage (plus going to anther church) or risking your marriage by staying at the same church.