Too many times we have seen the primary bread winner get involved in an affair, leaving his BS high and dry in the finance department. When my Ex left, I had to borrow money to feed my kids, borrowed for attorney fees and had to start selling off stuff to make ends meet.

If I ever remarried, I would be hard pressed to consolidate finances again. I would want to retain the equity in my house, I would want to have my own emergency fund and my own credit.

Does this view diminish the romantic idea of till death do you part? I could say I needed a nest egg in case he dropped dead, but that would not be honest. I would want a nest egg in case he flipped out and ran off.

Would I want my daughters to go into marriage with prenups and seperate savings? Does having your FWS sign a post-nup mean that you still question their commitment?

Does the advice differ depending on if it is a twenty something first time marriage, a reconcilation after adultery or a second marriage?

Do you have to put realism aside to maintain the blind faith in commitment and marriage?

While I understand your reticence Jean, be aware that Dr. Harley says at the MB Weekend Seminar that when he sees a couple with separate bank accounts he knows there will be trouble ahead...An interdependent marriage is a happy marriage...

I think that if you were to remarry, what you should require is that it be a marriage built around Marriage Builders principles...An MB marriage is affair proof...You can't do it cafeteria style though, you BOTH have to go "whole hog"...

Mrs. W

But how can you have a financially interdependent marriage if the family is structured so that one person is the bread winner and the other is the SAHP?

Excellent questions. I've had many of those same thoughts myself. How to learn from past mistakes (blind trust) and do what it takes to make sure I did not end up in the same situation again but not make my (hypothetical) new partner pay for WH's mistakes?


I wish I had the answers. I'm looking forward to the responses you get.

Fox

I've always had a separate account; something I gleaned from my mother's existence, I suppose, being a single mom, dealing with it all herself. I dunno.

I still have separate accounts from my FWH. I don't know the answer either. In my case, apparently, Dr. Harley was right. However,I don't see joint accounts holding marriages together, either.

I've been pondering whether I should ask FWH about this. I just feel, as things are now, I don't feel comfortable sharing accounts. Nothing is solid right now.

Part of what leads to affairs in the first place is an independent lifestyle, and seperate finances are definitely part and parcel of an independent lifestyle.

Like MrsW says, what creates a happy marriage is interdependence, not independence. Having seperate bank accounts, in the context discussed here, is a mode of PROTECTION, but you can't build and maintain a marriage by staying in protection mode. A good marriage, rather, is built by creating interdependency and sharing all aspects of a lifestyle.

I have never shared a bank account with anyone in my entire life until this year, because I was always in protection mode. And I have always had a career and had a good income. Sharing a bank account and discussing purchases has brought us so much closer together, though. Being CLOSE is a better protection, IMO, that having an independent lifestyle.

I don't know if you were looking for a discussion on this or just some suggestions.

If it's suggesstions and finances really concerns you, you could set up a trust fund, now, before you meet anybody that directs the trustee to distribute funds to you (and only you) only under specific circumstances. For example, a second divorce.

In this way you would be free to intermingle your finances with the next person, tell them about the fund, point out to them that it was set up long before you met them as a response to your experience from your first D, and there is no way to get to that money.

I guess that would be a way to have a safety net, without it appearing to look like a statement of whether you trusted your future partner.

Also, if my H were to abscond with the money in our joint account, I would have my direct deposit redirected to another account. I have other sources of money/credit so I wouldn't be out much money anyway so the risk is minimal.

I wish I could express how I so long for this. That is part of the reason I have been thinking on the finances. I believe, in our sitch, that it would say a lot of both of us to join finances.

My husband was the sole breadwinner and left me high and dry with 2 children and another on the way.

I fixed that problem in our recovery.

We have 2 joint checking accounts - one is "mine" and the other "his".

I also got myself a job. 5 years later, I carry all the benefits and I make more money than him.

Never again will I be left high and dry.

Doesn't it go

co-dependence --> independence --> interdependence

Can you force interdependence? I can see why some independence isn't a bad thing.

We started out with a joint checking account, but it didn't work with 2 people writing checks. Hubby would write checks, but not write them down. It made me crazy.

We evolved to having a joint account to take care of bills, and each of us had an allowance that we deposited into separate accounts. If he didn't write a check down, that was not my problem. He started keeping up with it a lot better.

You can't force interdependence...That is why I said earlier that in order for this to work, I believe both partners have to go "whole hog"...

See if you are working the MB program in your marriage, you have an affair proof marriage...You are spending at least 15 hours per week couple time which includes RC, Affection, Intimate Conversation and SF...Add to that at least 15 hours per week of family time...the rest is pretty much work and sleep...any time left over you use the POJA to determine how to use it...And you have PLANS to make certain that no others are allowed to fill your lovebanks...It is very much a TEAM effort...When all those things are being done there should be no insecurity in having joint finances...As Mel pointed out, that works to bring you closer...helps you to operate as a team...and feels DARN good...

I just told Mr. W last night not only how much I love him, but that I had never felt more loved by him...he responded by telling me that I had never been so loved before...If you work the program, the program works!

Mrs. W

No you can't force it - don't make me bonk you with your shovel!

Neither codependent or independent behavior in a marriage is good.


However, I think that in order to be an interdependent marriage, it requires that someone be a healthy independent individual.

As I just told my teenage son the other night - who just broke up a year long relationship with his girlfriend - 2 broken people do not make a whole relationship. A whole relationship - an interdependent marriage - requires 2 whole independent people making a choice to draw boundaries around themselves as a couple rather than as individuals.

In my situation, having a job and my own income makes me a more independent person...but what I do with that income is what matters. My husband and I pool all resources - I don't hold anything back on the side. He has access to everything that is mine, as I have his.

However, should one day, he wake up and decide to take off with another evil bimbo, I will have no problem taking care of myself.

So my behavior in my marriage is not independent...its interdependent....but it is based on my healthy independence.

Does that make any sense? Maybe the halloween candy has gone to my head....