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Marriage Builders Forums Our Archives Archived Read-Only Posts Inactive: General Questions Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week

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Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week Kim222 #1964510 11/02/07 01:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2,965 C chrisner Member
chrisner Member C Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2,965	Hi Kim, I am glad you moved your thread over here. Hopefully a few of the heavy hitters will join in soon. How are you doing today? Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain�t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week chrisner #1964511 11/02/07 05:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 22 K Kim222 OP Junior Member
OP Kim222 Junior Member K Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 22	In short: confused, exhausted, overwhelmed and partially still in disbelief! He has covered his tracks or just kept everything to hotmail communication and email, maybe phone calls from work? No cell phone records, I was only able to hack into the email the once and not again since. I don't have any more proof. If I need more, it is going to have to be to have someone follow him the day they are supposed to meet. I think he is on his very best behaviour and particularly attentive to me suddenly this week - I know he senses that I know something but I also think he is probably doing everything possible not to rock the boat before their get together next week. It makes me sick. He has SO much to lose I really don't think he believes I could really find out. Boy, is he wrong about me!!

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week Kim222 #1964512 11/02/07 05:36 PM
Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2,965 C chrisner Member
chrisner Member C Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2,965	Are you still leaving town? I think you need to strongly consider a PI. Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain�t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week chrisner #1964513 11/02/07 06:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,584 T TogetherAlone Member
TogetherAlone Member T Joined: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,584	Sorry you find yourself here, Kim. It comes as an an agonising shock to all of us. But you have to face up to this and get big and strong enough to deal with it - for your children's sake. First, proof. Do you have a print-out of the email? Was it done via his business email, or his private service? (In other words, is it sitting somewhere on a server where he can't erase it?) He's been denying for a while, I gather? I think you need to gather solid proof. You could, for example, put a voice-activated recorder in his car, to catch any phone calls he makes to her. I think you may also have to consider the possibility of hiring a PI. And in the meantime, get yourself educated on what you're likely to face. One of the hardest things to deal with is the sheer cruelty and selfishness of a WS - the person to whom you've made yourself most vulnerable often behaves as if you're of no value at all. This is going to hurt - but you will get through it. You will. TA "Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week chrisner #1964514 11/02/07 06:06 PM
Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310 M mimi_here Member
mimi_here Member M Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310	Kim: So sorry that this has happened to you. My H had a longterm affair. We have been happily recovered for 4 years. I have a long history here, starting on D-DAY. MY BIGGEST MISTAKE: Denying to myself that he was having an affair, believing his claims that he was not... THE BEST THING THAT I DID: was to DISCOVER it. Yes, I FOUND THEM. It started the EXPOSURE that people are speaking to you about. It brought the AFFAIR to the LIGHT OF DAY so that it clearly was the NASTY, SMELLY, UGLY, DISTASTEFUL, DISGUSTING whatever thing that it WAS... SO, I'm recommending for you to LAY LOW and CATCH THEM.... If you can't do it yourself, because it can be very emotional, do hire the PI so that he can get pictures. Let them go ahead and MEET and you be READY. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME if I read that right. BEGIN YOUR FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!! We are here for you.... I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week chrisner #1964515 11/02/07 06:23 PM
Joined: Jul 2004 Posts: 2,033 SoCalNoCo K krusht Member
krusht Member K Joined: Jul 2004 Posts: 2,033 SoCalNoCo	How about sticking a GPS on his car. Then when he is parked at whichever notell motel, track the car down and slash all 4 of his tires while he is occupied....maybe some choice words spray painted on the windshield. Or go up to the door, with or with out a couple of your best friends and keep banging on the door until he answers. Hard to tell which room though, from the GPS. I had many a day dream after my dday wishing I could have intercepted one of their emails establishing at which motel, and what day, they would rendezvous. I spent many a wasted hour pondering my different actions and how I would confront them. And now you have the chance I day-dreamed about. kirk CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week krusht #1964516 11/02/07 08:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas M MelodyLane Member
MelodyLane Member M Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas	slash the tires? YIKES!! I would not suggest that. Kim, please listen to Mimi and go to the hotel and catch them and confront them. Take a friend with you as a witness. Before you leave, get the OW's home phone # and plan to call her H on the way home from the hotel to inform him of the affair. You can find out fairly easy if she is married by: a) cross referencing her home phone # to see if a mans name is on it too b) call the #, disguising your # with *67 to see if a man answers c) hiring a PI to do a quick easy check on her. one that we have used around here is Frank Music at http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/ d) looking up her name on www.peoplefinder.com to see it appears with a man If the affair does not end after your confrontation and exposure to her H, then you will want to expose the affair at their workplaces, parents, close siblings, etc. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week MelodyLane #1964517 11/03/07 06:38 AM
Joined: Sep 2001 Posts: 5,906 A ark^^ Member
ark^^ Member A Joined: Sep 2001 Posts: 5,906	Kim.. what is YOUR thoughts on this.. are you interested in attempting reconcialiaton on your end OR are you interested in divorcing him... (I ask that because the choice is yours...and you can choose what you feel is best for you ...) do you think your husband is going to leave you.... divorce you knowing him what do you imagine his reaction to be... I don't see any point in going to the hotel.. you know what you need to know to make decisions.. why go and put yourself in a potentially violent...definitely emotionally charged situation... what is the point... any emotional energy will potentially become fodder to be used against you for a while... NOW if you aren't interested in reconcilliation then it doesn't matter where or how you confront.. me personally I prefer.... Something much more on target...quiet and sinister... Like the second before you have to leave...hopefully you are flying... you say.. Darling...I know you and your Other Woman are meeting at the redwhorescumroof hotel...while I am away.... I assmume when I return that you have either ended that and have sought out a counselor for us to deal with this horrible mess...and are ready to have some honest conversations about who what where when and why...etc OR you can have your lawyer call mine.... I agree with moving funds... don't let him know how you know... and don't contact him while away..let him contact you and just listen to what he says... without engaging in much conversation back... you have some time to map this out .... roll different scenarios round your tongue... think about what YOU want.... him wanting the marriage...means disclosure of all emails passwords...etc... it means name of OP..etc ARK

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week ark^^ #1964518 11/03/07 09:47 AM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas M MelodyLane Member
MelodyLane Member M Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas	Quote I don't see any point in going to the hotel.. you know what you need to know to make decisions.. why go and put yourself in a potentially violent...definitely emotionally charged situation... what is the point... ark, the point is to catch them in the act, which removes any chance of deniability and adds great conflict to the affair. The affair is right out in the great wide open for all to see, which is like turning on the lights in the crack house and bringing in a crowd. All of a sudden the pretty affair doesn't look so pretty anymore when others are looking at you with disgust and horror on their faces. Sort of ruins the affair. The sooner it is all out in the open, the sooner it is killed off. I think going to the hotel and knocking on the door would be a powerful weapon. Not only would it ruin their little tryst, which only will further cement their feelings, but it would certainly scare them about meeting up again. To have to face the WIFE of the married man she is doing is a powerful motivator. To have to face your W when you are with your ho is a powerful motivator. This is a great opportunity for Kim and it would be tragic loss of opportunity to pass it up. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week MelodyLane #1964519 11/03/07 01:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310 M mimi_here Member
mimi_here Member M Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310	Quote The affair is right out in the great wide open for all to see, which is like turning on the lights in the crack house and bringing in a crowd. All of a sudden the pretty affair doesn't look so pretty anymore when others are looking at you with disgust and horror on their faces. Sort of ruins the affair. The sooner it is all out in the open, the sooner it is killed off. I think going to the hotel and knocking on the door would be a powerful weapon. A POWERFUL WEAPON...MOST DEFINITELY WAS IN OUR CASE...Looking back at the HORRIBLE MESS, this was THE ACTUAL BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE AFFAIR...for a H like mine, who couldn't rationalize away the WRONGNESS of his A once it was BROUGHT TO LIGHT...from then on, the OW couldn't convince him that what they were doing was OK,NOT WRONG, even though they continued, it was TAINTED with UGLINESS, the memory of that night when I proceeded to CALL everybody we knew, his BFs,etc....to this day MOTELS are negative triggers for him..we never have SF at motels..he's always wanting to get back HOME...and our own bedroom is wonderfully decorated..A HAVEN..."MY OWN BED"..my H says.... Quote Not only would it ruin their little tryst, which only will further cement their feelings, but it would certainly scare them about meeting up again. Yep..they became FEARFUL that I would show up... Led him to PURCHASE the LOVE NEST..and I had to show up there, too for the second DD..YUCK.... I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week mimi_here #1964520 11/03/07 01:49 PM
Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310 M mimi_here Member
mimi_here Member M Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310	Quote Darling...I know you and your Other Woman are meeting at the redwhorescumroof hotel...while I am away.... ARK: You are forgetting the steps... Ending the A will take PLAN A first... Not just making this statement.... They will respond by getting CRAFTIER and SNEAKIER (Is that a word??)...and he won't have that particular tryst...he will deny having an affair and she's back to GROUND ZERO... THE ART OF WAR..fighting the affair..DON'T LET THE ENEMY KNOW YOUR SECRETS...DO SURPRISE ATTACKS.... It's a FIGHT..one battle after the other... Yes, Kim..you have to be emotionally prepared for such a thing... It's your choice about whether you are able to CONFRONT because it is a TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE... But I certainly wouldn't TELL him that you are onto him at this point...GATHER YOUR PROOF and INFO... THEN PLAN A.... I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week mimi_here #1964521 11/03/07 01:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 12 J justliving Junior Member
justliving Junior Member J Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 12	I can imagine what you must be feeling coz I have been there. That hurts. Keep calm and collected. I dont know iof you pray, coz sometimes it is good to just put everything in God's hands and ask him to comfort you and give you reassurance. Easier said than done I know, but he will take you through this hard time. Keep smiling. in pursuit of christ

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week justliving #1964522 11/03/07 01:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310 M mimi_here Member
mimi_here Member M Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 15,310	AND...I've since learned..that I became MORE ATTRACTIVE to my H..by gaining HIS RESPECT...he appreciated MY TOUGHNESS..my willingness to FIGHT for him..to not just sit back and let her have him.. OW HATE THIS..they want us to back down.. She never understood why I just didn't give up on him and DIVORCE HIM... Wanted to convince my H that I didn't REALLY LOVE HIM..like she did... From that night at the MOTEL ONWARD...I was determined to not give up the fignt.... I respect whatever choice you make, Kim... Just sharing my experience... I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week mimi_here #1964523 11/03/07 03:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas M MelodyLane Member
MelodyLane Member M Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas	Quote Quote Darling...I know you and your Other Woman are meeting at the redwhorescumroof hotel...while I am away.... They will respond by getting CRAFTIER and SNEAKIER (Is that a word??)...and he won't have that particular tryst...he will deny having an affair and she's back to GROUND ZERO... EXACTLY. If she makes that comment to him, she is more likely to get something like: "I don't know what you think you saw but we never had any plans to meet at some hotel. It was a just an inside joke.. We weren't serious!" And like Mimi suggested, they only get craftier and move farther underground, putting recovery that much farther away. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week MelodyLane #1964524 11/03/07 05:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 480 G Going_Forward Member
Going_Forward Member G Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 480	Kim, how about you go get his car from the hotel and leave yours for him? There's zero deniability for him this way. He knows you know, and he gets an undeniable gut cramp in the process. He will have to come to you with some sort of confession. You still need someone to take pictures for you for future evidence good luck, GF Marriages don't fail, people do. (And I don't recall who said it)

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week MelodyLane #1964525 11/04/07 07:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2001 Posts: 5,906 A ark^^ Member
ark^^ Member A Joined: Sep 2001 Posts: 5,906	I didn't read anywhere in this post where she sadi she wanted to save her marriage.... I would think that is the first step... ARK

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week ark^^ #1964526 11/04/07 08:29 AM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas M MelodyLane Member
MelodyLane Member M Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 Texas	ark, I haven't read anywhere that she said she wanted to just get a divorce. Rather, she is asking about tactics to expose and end the affair. Never does she even mention just giving up and divorcing. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week MelodyLane #1964527 11/04/07 08:48 AM
Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 16,412 S star*fish Member
star*fish Member S Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 16,412	There are many choices a person can make if they want to end their marriage.....but posting on a marriage builders site is the action of someone who <probably> has some interest in saving their marriage. I say probably because there is the odd occasion where people may just be looking for validation, sympathy or permission to end their marriage....but that's the minority. As long as a poster keeps posting, my default position is to assume they are willing to try this program before giving up. editted for grammar <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Last edited by starfish; 11/04/07 08:52 AM.

Re: Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week TogetherAlone #1964528 11/05/07 02:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 22 K Kim222 OP Junior Member
OP Kim222 Junior Member K Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 22	Thank you for your comments and support. I don't know where to find one of those recorders, except on the internet and I don't have time for that. Thanks for the suggestion though.

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Marriage Builders Forums Our Archives Archived Read-Only Posts Inactive: General Questions Just found an email and don't know what to do now....they are planning to meet next week

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