I am not a quitter!

However, given that, I haven't faced this situation before. I have really mixed feelings and am overwhelmed by the whole idea that this is happening.

I would like to think that we can come out the other side of this but at times in the last few days I wonder if that is what I really want.

I'm more concerned about letting him know that I know, trying to spoil things for this meeting and protecting my kids.

Is there a recommended way of having this exposure conversation?

Some here are saying that if I tell him before I go that it will drive him underground. I don't want to do that but I have the email and hope to find out where she will be staying before I go and confront him with that. (not showing him the email but using some of the info in it)

Any thoughts?

RADIO SHACK. There is one in every town.

If you confront him with this information beforehand, he will deny it and just go deeper underground. Then when you go out of town he just be more clever about WHEN he meets with her and you will be none the wiser. You are out of town so you would have no way of knowing.

At the very worst, he may have to cancel this redevous and schedule for another day. Nothing lost.

If I were you I would cancel going out of town and stay with a friend. Don't let him know you cancelled and let him meet her. Then show up at the door of the room.

I knew my husband was having an affair for months before he would admit it. He had an excuse for each proof that I found, until I caught them in bed together. He swore to our church, his family, our friends, and even my attorney that I was crazy and he wasn't having an affair. The months and months of telling lies and pretending I was crazy made me lose all respect for him. We are divorced.

You have a chance to end the affair quickly. It is the best thing you can do for your family.

GREAT!!!



THIS IS EXACTLY how MOST if not ALL OF US FELT!! Unless your spouse is a serial cheater, this is a once in a lifetime, life-altering, traumatic experience for US.



Another typical response. The chances, though, are greater of RECOVERING your marriage than the chances are that he will make a commitment with her.

Believe us when we say having any sort of CONVERSATION with him about this is USELESS...

Benefit (for want of a better word) from our TRAGIC EXPERIENCES...

Thanks for your advice.

I am feeling confused about how to go about this whole thing.

Once I confront him with whatever proof I can attain and let's say he admits to it, then what?

I'm having a very difficult time living day to day now that I know - looking him in the eye is difficult. I'm just avoiding interaction as much as possible.

So, after he admits it, and I tell him that I want the affair to end before we attempt to work on our marriage, how do we function day to day? Do I keep spying and waiting for him to end it before giving him the time of day?

In the meantime, do I try to make our marriage a positive thing - schedule get togethers with friends, attempt to show him the positive, fun sides of our marriage???

Kim, you will ask him to end his affair immediately by sending a no contact letter to the OW and agreeing to never ever, ever see or speak to her again. He would then need to follow a plan a recovery outlined here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

A very important step in all this is that the OW's H is notified BY YOU, with no warning. You shouldn't tell you H beforehand you are going to tell him. If he is not told, the affair will be much easier to resume.

Also, when you confront him, you should not ASK him, but TELL HIM. I am very concerned that you still plan on taking this trip. This is a terrible time to take a trip.

THE GOAL should not be for him to ADMIT IT. The GOAL should be for you to obtain UNDENIABLE PROOF so that you can SAY: "I KNOW THAT YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR"...

From that point on, it becomes about YOU, KIM. Try to learn that with the WH, YOU cannot CONTROL HIM. You can only CONTROL YOURSELF. Try to HAVE FAITH in what we are telling you because our recommendations will not fit with your NATURAL INCLINATIONS about this. Like you say, you've NEVER been through this before and it is ALIEN.



I recommend that you read up on PLAN A and begin THAT ASAP. YOU have LOTS of POWER to bring this A to an end but it is necessary to FOLLOW the MBer's PLAN.



IMO, there's a low likelihood that he will ADMIT it. I encourage you to ASSERTIVELY SAY, "I KNOW (as stated above). Then, DO PLAN A. All of this was recommended to me by Steve Harley when I was EXACTLY in your position. PLAN A INCLUDES NEGOTIATING AN END TO THE AFFAIR as Melody states but it also IMPORTANTLY includes meeting the ENs that made your marriage vulnerable to the affair.



EXACTLY!!! What were the PROBLEMS in your marriage?

Money, Sex, Communication!

Read up on EMOTIONAL NEEDS on this site or in the HARLEY BOOKS.

Which NEEDS were you NOT MEETING?

I recommend that you have a goal starting NOW of BLOWING HIS MIND in the areas where you feel you were lacking...

THIS is what YOU can CONTROL...

ONWARD INTO BATTLE, KIM..who is NOT a QUITTER...

You have LOTS and LOTS of AMMUNITION...

IF you are denying him SF, STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY...in fact, instigate it..HE WILL RESPOND...I betcha...cause what HE REALLY WANTS is YOU BACK..rather than having this affair..especially if the affair is just beginning...I made the mistake of waiting TOO LONG and my H was FAR GONE..BUT despite that we have happily recovered...

Kim...you are getting great advice here. BUT, always remember that if your H is wayward and sleeping around...NEVER sleep with him until he has been tested for STD's. People die from diseases that they get as a result of their partners cheating. There are some here that will tell you that you should meet your H's EN for sex....ignore that until he has been tested and you can do so safely. To do otherwise is to act irresponsibly and dangerously.

Kim:

I advice you to do what you want to do with your life since you are a GROWN WOMAN who can make your OWN DECISIONS.

Consider that your H MAY NOT HAVE SLEPT with this woman YET.

Find some way to EVIDENCE your SEXUAL DESIRE for him IF you CHOOSE not to have SF with him.

Its a question of whether or not you want to RECOVER your MARRIAGE and like it or not, his decision to have this A has to do to some extent with HIS NEED for SEX. They are not going to that motel to CHIT-CHAT or BAKE COOKIES....

Sorry..

And I'm not going to use your thread to debate this issue any further...

Speaking for MYSELF, I would not have RECOVERED my MARRIAGE if I had not had SF with my H during PLAN A...

The CHOICE is YOURS...

He is YOUR HUSBAND..you have every right to have SF with him..some kind of way..

Kim,

You are getting some excellent advice here. I agree with everyone who indicated that you should not go out of town right now.

Also, since your WH is involved with a business associate, I would take your email proof to his HR department and expose him at work. You don't threaten him with this, you just do it. Also, how about his family, would they help pressure him to stop this insanity?

You need to read as much of the information here on MB as you can, it will be very helpful to you I promise.

We know this is hard, but you can get thru this and your marriage can survive it. The fight is yours to win.

Who

Mimi is giving your advice that can put your life at risk. She was in fact lucky in her situation...nothing but pure luck. You may not be.

I have read studies that suggest that as many as 50% of affairs result in an STD. If you look at the prevalence of HPV, this should come as no surprise.
There has been at least one MD on this site that have become incensed at the casual nature that having SF with a wayward is handled here.
Funny how those that would suggest this, use the "you are an adult" argument. It doesn't hold water since many BS are so wounded they would do anything to hoild on to their partner...even put their life at risk.
Use some common sense and do not sleep with a cheater until they have been proven safe. BTW, condoms will not protect against some serious threats to your life.

I'm sharing the STORY of MY LIFE...

I'm EXTREMELY HAPPY...based on choices that I made about MY LIFE...

I'm not debating this....

Kim knows what she wants to do and has to do with her OWN LIFE...

there's nothing to debate, I have stated fact. you have discussed one story where the lady (you) got very lucky to not get a STD. It resulted in a happily recovered marriage...just as easily, it could have resulted in disaster.

You are extremely happy because you were not given aids, HPV or some other life threatening disease...I doubt you would feel the same way if stricken by an incurable STD.

There is no rtoom for debate Mimi. None. Having SF with a wayward partner is a life threatening decision. Period.

Mimi, I will bring this up any time you or any one else suggests SF with a wayward. It's not personal..it is just making people aware of the danger lurking behind the advice they have been given.

Ok, MEDC. I hear you. Let's move forward with helping, Kim...

There's no way around the FACT that the SEX ISSUE has to be dealt with ONE WAY OR THE OTHER by the Betrayed Spouse cause an affair is about SEX to some extent...

I would think the SF issue should be dealt with once he has committed to NC and been given a clean bill of health. I don't know how anyone could stand to have s*x with their WS knowing they are a WS.