My husband is really driving me nuts. I've asked him twice now what he wants to do. I told him that I am not ok with him being with other women. If he leaves me I will never talk to him again. EVER. That I will definately stick by and never, ever take him back. I promised myself that I would not get stuck in an abusive relationship. Well here I am. He came from an abusive relationship. His father verballly abused him.

I've been told I'm the total package. I stay in shape, make him dinner, give him all the sex he wants, am polite and helpful to his family and so forth. Obviously this was not always the case (though I've always looked good at least), but that's where I am at now on a Friday night, writing to a MB about the problems with my stupid husband having a mid-life crisis. And where is he right now? At the bar with his friend, of course. Probably hootching it up with some bar hootchies because "it feels good."

You know what I've learned from being married? Men suck. I swear if we get divorced, I am moving someplace warm and I'm done with men. I'm only 33, but I will be an old spinster than get married again to someone who will end up having some stupid mid-life crisis, not knowing what he wants, and then here I go again. Men are babies, at least mine is. Right now, my husband has everything he could want in life. And yet it's all not good enough for him. And why should I leave our house? He can leave. He brought this on himself, it wasn't what I asked for.

My husband told me that he married me because I and his family pressured him (which is BS because I only mentioned marriage 1 time to him when somebody I knew was getting married and when I told his family what he said, they also denied it). What is wrong with some people? My husband has issues from his childhood. He takes no responsibility for his problems or shortcomings. He can do no wrong. When I try to bring up something he isn't doing, all of a sudden we're talking about me, not him. I don't even nag him about anything because I don't want to go through mental warfare with him.

He told me the other day that he's not religious and doesn't believe in monogamy. I asked him, "Then why the ****** did you propose to me???" "Why did we go through with getting married?"

UGH. My husband's brain is sooooo backwards. Tomorrow I am going to see my therapist. I told him that it would mean alot to me if he would come. He said he would. That will be tomorrow morning. Who knows what will happen from there.

For all the people who are in a stable relationship, I hope you realize you have a good thing. For the rest of us, why do we bother? Why don't we just divorce and move on? Why do we stick around for the mental abuse? I've spent the last two days crying over my desk not able to get hardly a thing done. My sister-in-law (his sister) is on my side and doesn't agree with his actions. She told me that I should leave him or find some ways to make him jealous. I soooo don't have time for those games.

Ugh! Why I earth did I commit to marrying this man? WHY???

HubDoesntLove,

I think you're beating a dead horse here. He doesn't love you. He probably can't articulate that, or even understand it, and probably feels ashamed to admit it, but he doesn't.

More than likely he has few skills to deal with life and has gotten through much of it on the 'magic' of his emotions, that just aren't there now. So, he's just sort of aimlessly drifting.

That doesn't mean he can't become more, but it's unlikely that anyone will be able to compel him now, not in his own time, whatever that may be.

I call my ex a deadbeat, not just because he didn't pay his child support, but because for all the time I was with him, I could never seem to inspire him. I can inspire most everyone I know, but not him. No amount of good behavior, prettiness, love, money, inclusion, honor, admiration was enough. It's like he was just stuck, dead within himself.

His girlfriend (OW) inspired him - he says he was passionate for her, but that's all based on fantasy and secrecy. I doubt his feelings are as intense now that it's just an everyday thing.

Sometimes I think these men are addicted to intensity (think that's what makes it seem real), but have no idea how to achieve it, so they just follow it wherever it shows up and if it's not there, they just drift. It's kind of a narcissistic thing - their attitude seems to be expecting the world to 'serve up' the good stuff. Like "ok, I'm here... make me feel good". With a new relationship, that works for a while. But, then the brain chemicals subside and reality becomes a challenge and they go belly up to the path of least resistance.

Frank Pittman wrote a good article in which he describes some people as just being "emotionally retarded". They don't have a clue what makes the world of relationships go round. They don't know how to identify what they feel or even what to do with it when they feel it. They only know 'pleasant' or 'unpleasant'. If they feel icky and you're there in their field of vision, they attach the feeling to you. If they feel good and you're there, then they attach the feeling to you. It makes absolutely no sense to those of us who know how to love. Here's the link: http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html. The article is about infidelity, but he describes the mentality behind those caught up in it. Dr. Harley will tell you that with your husband's lack of feelings for you, that he's ripe for an affair, especially if he's saying things like he doesn't believe in monogamy*. So, you can see it doesn't hurt to look at his mentality now, before he's made the mess.

If your therapist can help, that would be great. But, if not and your husband won't do anything else, maybe beginning to taste the realities of divorce will snap him out of it.

You seem like a great woman. I hope you don't view all men in the future as your husband is now. There are good men out there.

*FYI - There are some people who try to live a double life. Their thoughts are not anything you would be aware of, because they're expert at hiding them. Often times their thought life has crossed a line that they can't return to a true integrous life. The fact that he said he doesn't believe in monogamy should be a warning sign, a big red flag for future behavior. And if he doesn't believe in religion (from that I'm assuming God or any 'higher power') also tells me he's a bit narcissistic and some narcissists have this strange habit of warning their victims. There are some men who marry their ideal trying to force themselves to want this particular life. But, their mental life is a constant undercurrent that erodes their motivation and their feelings. Eventually they can't maintain any longer.

If your husband is now saying he doesn't believe in monogamy, it's probably because he's experiencing lusts or urges for other people, besides you. Unless he's basing this belief on current divorce statistics - but why would he do that out of the blue like this unless he was questioning the issue in the first place?

Don't be too hard on yourself and beware of him rewriting history with things like accusing you of pressuring him. Just ignore it and trust your memory and intuition. Just find out if there's anything to save and if not, move on purposefully, knowing that there is a life meant especially for you.

Check back if you need help. There are so many good people here.

I wish you the best.

Look, HDL, You don't seem to want to be married to him. Everything you've written leads me to believe you don't love or respect this man.

Do you two have children? If not, since you both seem miserable, maybe divorce is the way to go. If it were simply a matter that you two weren't "in love," I would suggest you try the MB approach. But, you don't seem to respect him. When there is no respect, it is very, very hard to create a healthy marriage.