One thing I may not have mention is that I made the mistake of moving out when she ask for a separation. I have been out of the house for 1.5 months now. I has been hard on me. I don't see my kids as I was use to and that hurt me all the time.

Can Plan A still work if I am not in the house. I know it will be harder. But can it work. I don't know how can I show her that "I am making our home a warm and invinting place for us"

I have a feeling that after I expose her she will not take me back in the house. What do think. She has already told me that she does not want to be with me any more.(it hurts me so much when she talks to me like this)

I was wondering if I should confront the OM.

This is your house, there is absolutely no reason you should not live there. I would first move home. Why did you move out?

And yes, you should confront the OM at some point.

sonny, moving out is a huge strategic mistake that only helps the affair, but it is usually fairly easily rectified by moving back home. Here is a thread about that issue: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...p;vc=1&nt=3

We are selling the house. And she is already looking for a place to stay. How does this change things? I am thinking of not going along with selling the house. That way she cant afford to move out. Tell me what you think. Shel will claim that I am trying to control her.

Do you have a contract on the house?

Move back home first

Expose shortly thereafter

Don't cooperate in the sale...find a way to stay and she'll leave the family home. Then you'll have the upper hand in any ensuing custody battle as the "best interests" of the kids will be served by allowing them to maintain a consistent home.

I suspect very shortly after moving home your WW will either;

1. Have you removed by restraining order or domestic violence order (protect yourself beforehand with recording device and don't fight with her)

2. Move out herself.(don't let her take much, don't help her and the kids stay).

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - a Custody battle is one of the most important and effective ways to bust up an affair. More importantly...if the affair doesn't end...children need to be protected to the extent one can from the presence of evil. Affairs are sick and twisted relationships and the sickness prevails throughout their home. OM's are notorious abusers of step-DAUGHTERS in particular. You've got to start preparing to win that case TODAY. YOur daughters are counting on you. You fight this case on the backside while you continue to fight for your marriage.

1. a Criminal background check on OM
2. Survellance...are your children being exposed to him
3. start a journal strictly about the comings and goings of the children and document all relevant information concerning them without any vindictiveness or anger towards your WW therein.

Outstanding post, MrW. sonny, MrW is exactly right. You have placed yourself at a terrible disadvantage by moving out. You have faciliated the affair and the demise of your own marriage by leaving your family like this. The remedy is to move back home and not participate in the sell of your home. Don't cooperate with someone whose mission is the destruction of your marriage and family, lest you end up with a ........destroyed marriage and shattered family.

Have the two of them used any company resources to further their affair? Have they travelled together? Are they using company cell phones and computers to communicate? Are they meeting on company time?

If you aren't willing to expose them openly you can do it by anonymously calling HR. You can tell them that there is a "situation" in the workplace they need to be aware of because it's causing friction and a "hostile environment" for others.Let them know that there is an affair between two married people people going on and the gossip and suspicion is beginning to disrupt work. There is also concern that the two people having an affair are using company resources (phones, expense accounts, company time) to further their affair.

If your WW works for a large company they certainly have specific HR policies they must follow. They will have to investigate, and if they feel the affair is disrupting the workplace and creating a hostile environment they will find a reason to get rid of one or both of them. Just remember to keep what you say restricted to things that are affecting the company. The company doesn't care about the morality of the situation, they only care about how it is -- or could possibly -- affect the bottom line. That's why you talk about wasting company time and assets as well as the "hostile environment". If the company thinks it's being ripped off or that someone might sue them they will act.

When you talk to HR you don't have to tell them it's your wife. They'll wonder if you are an employee uncomfortable with the situation, the husband, or maybe a friend of the betrayed wife. They'll wonder, but it won't really matter. What will matter is that there is a situation that must be dealt with. Give them whatever detail they need but don't give away anything about yourself. Call them from a pay phone and use *67 so they don't even know what area code you're calling from.

If they ask for something in writing you can go to a FedEx/Kinkos, use one of their computers to type something up, and fax it to HR from the store. *67 works with a fax machine, too. If you do it this way HR won't know for sure who you are (and won't care, really) and there will be no proof on phone records that you ever made the call.

Good luck. When you expose them at work you will, at the very least, make things very uncomfortable for them at work. Their bosses will know what's going on, and they'll know they are being watched. It won't be any fun for them. You might also see one or both of them get fired, something that will put ENORMOUS pressure on the affair.

I have a fam member that works in HR that is going to that for me. She will appoach the CEO and advise that there might be some conflict of interest if there is an affair happening. Next she will go to the HR manager and notify them. She feels that the company might be liable for some law suit (sex harasment, uncomfortable work inviroment). I think she will do this Monday. Maybe I'll have her wait utill Tuesday. That way I'll have a chance to move back home

She plans on giving their full names, right?

sonny, can I ask WHY you want to keep your exposure anonymous? Is your plan on keeping only the workplace exposure anonymous? You surely don't plan on keeping them ALL anonymous do you?

btw...don't ask or discuss moving back home with ANYBODY.

If you give her a chance to prepare she WILL stop you.

I presume the house is in both your names, thus, you have every right to move back into YOUR HOME.

Others...Sonny is in California. Anything other Californians can add as far as moving back home, WW getting restraining order, and/or chances of men winning custody in California would be appreciated.

Mr. Wondering

Yes, both WW and OM will be named. It is so sad that it has to come to this. I know how hard my WW has worked throught out the years to get where she's at. She's had go through a lot of personal test to be in the place she is right now. I hope this will wake her up and she can still salvage some of her dignaty back.

She will have to EARN her dignity back. But why do you want to keep this anonymous? And is THIS ONE the only one you plan on keeping anonymous?

The reason I want to keep the work exposer anonymous is that. I know how hard she has worked to be in the place she is at right now. If her work was like the "Sapronos Family" my WW would be "Capo", a captain. She has work 10 years to get to this place. I would hate for her to blame me for the distruction of that.

The other exposures have not been anonymous. I told her mom everthing. I think in too much detail. The other BS exposed it to his fam. His fam seems not to put too much presure.

MrWondering--- Good question regarding Californians..

By the way its not like I am totaly out of the house. I don't Sleep there but I do spend al ot of time at the house. I still have my keys. When I take care of my girls I do it at the house. Just when WW wife comes back from "work" I leave and say by to all. (Its always sad to say bye to my kids and even her). I wonder how will she take it. What are some words I can use to soften her up so that it does not become an ugly seen, specialy infront of my kids. I want to be home but I don't want to fight constantly. We never fought before D-Day, not out loud.I want to keep it as nice of an enviroment as possible so that I can put Plan A in place.

Sonny,

If you are EVER going to recover your marriage from this affair, either she, "Capo" or not OR He will have to get another job. Consequences of adultery suck. The very last thing you should be worried about is her job.

Your wife is screwing another man and you don't want to make her mad? Can you even begin to see how screwed up that thinking is?

Man up Sonny. Move home. Get your balls from that little glass jar next to the bed and start using them. One day your wife will appreciate what you did to save your family.

MAN UP!!!!!!!!

I think that is peachy and sweet but the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid making your fogged out, destructive wife angry at all costs. It is in your childrens best interest to SAVE THE MARRIAGE, after all, not to allow her to destroy their family just so you won't make their mother mad. Please, lets be rational here.

She will be FURIOUS that you move home and interfere with her affair, so just expect that. There are no cute, soothing words you can say to change that. You cannot REASON with a fogged out addict. It would be the equivalent of taking the crack pipe away from the crack head. It would be unrealistic to expect her to give you hugs and kisses for interfering with her addiction.

Your wife will be SPITTING MAD and may even throw herself on the floor in a fit of rage. Just walk over her and go straight to your bedroom and unpack.

You cannot save your marriage and keep the peace at all costs, sonny.

You are right, She is hurting me and she does not seem to care right now. I agree she will have to get another Job.

Why shuld I care so much about her comfort. I need to see it this way..

p.s. it takes 2 people to fight, sonny. There will be no fight if you don't fight. DON'T FIGHT. Just go home and go to your room and unpack your clothes. There is absolutely no reason for you to not sleep in your own bed at night.

If anyone should move out, it should be HER since it is she who is having an affair.

Exposure is your most powerful weapon, but in order for you to wield it effectively, you need to let her know you are the one who used it.

Unappologetically.


She needs to see her H fight for her. That's what every woman wants....to be fought for.

She knows that SHE is the one who jeapordized her job when she chose to get involved w/ OM. She had to weigh the cost she was willing to pay in order to have this A. And her decision was, "So be it! I will risk EVERYTHING I have worked for to have this A."

SHE already decided it was worth it to her.

Not YOU.

SHE did.



There's no way you will be able to 'soften' her up.

Expect the worst.

Can you have a friend there w/ you when you tell her? That may help her to refrain from saying ugly things in front of the children.

Do not argue w/ her.

Simply state that you are home now. And will not be moving out again.

You can do this.

~ Marsh