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Wanna tell us about it cheryl?

Mrs. W

Hi there

I thought I had posted all the info but discovered that my little girl had messed it up and ened up posting blank. I got married 8yrs ago and could not open up to my husband about my virginity status to which he alwasy nagged me about. I got married beacuse I was pregant and he wanted to marry me. I loved him even though I could not disclose my past to him. But ever since we have been together we have 2 kids now but he has never stopped cheating on me with other women or porn. he watches porn until the early hrs of the morning comes to bed and doesnt do nothing. I recently confessed to him about it all about 3 months ago after we had gone throuhg a very bad patch but he never asked me how many men I had slept with. I jsut left it there. Then a couple of months later after going for a 6wk marriage course with our church pastor who was very supportive, he slipped back into the old habits. when we had to talk about it he denied having an affair with the woman in wquestion but turned around and asked me how many men I had slept with before I got married, I told him two and one was married and only discovered afterwards. he then pushed the blame on me that I had carried a curse form that relationship which is haunting our marriage. First he seemed very sympathetic and empathised with me for what I had gone through for that night. Made love to me like no men's business the 2 days later started haunting me about it and blaming me for all his mistakes. I told him that yes I know I did wrong by hiding all this from you but it was my personal past I didnt want to talk about. I have changed and have never cheated on him in our realtionship. But now he doesnt believe me and making life real ****** for me. What do i do

is anybody going to help me here. MrsWondering where are you? Everybody? Am just waiting for someone to respond to me?

I'm really sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You are correct in your assertion that you are not responsible for your H's choices.

Nor is he responsible for yours. If you have been dishonest with him for this long, why would you expect him to trust you?

I dont deny that. I dont expect him to blame me for his actions and neither should I blame him for keeping it away from him. I never cheated on him thats one thing. i just was not brave enough to face the truth and live it. It was the hardest thing that I have evr done. I just need to know how i can make it better. I repented of everything I did before I got married. But when he married me I just made the best of my time with him and yet each time he hurt me

justliving,

Welcome to MB. Weekends are slow, and most threads take a while to take off. What kind of help are you looking for? It's hard to build a marriage with a foundation of trust and honesty. Even though your past was not infidelity....it is still a big betrayal of trust. It was a bad way to start out, and I can't imagine you guys being able to rebuild and recover your marriage without establishing an environment of fidelity and honesty. Is your husband having an affair now?

Thanx starfish. Ever since we got married, every year there has got to be an affair and him watching porn til morning. It has really been hard going for the 8yrs together. How can I make him want to change? One day he is all for Jesus and preaching and the next he is doing what his flesh really wants. Tell me how does it work?

Sounds like both of you have built up quite a wall between you by being dishonest...Are you both willing to be 100% RADICALLY honest with each other now?

Is your husband currently having an affair?

Sorry I didn't come back to you...your name change threw me off...I was looking for "cherylmas"...

Mrs. W

How many affairs has he had? Is he currently involved in one? How have his other affairs ended? Does he have contact with any of these OWs (other women)?

Mrs. W

Oh yeah I did change it. Sorry for the confusion. It's only two weeks ago that we were having an argument over a lady that he had been going to see behind my back and also texting and calling her. When I confranted him thats when he moved out of our bedroom for 4 days, then came back with alll these questions. He said that he simpy enjoyed talking to her but nothing was going on.

He has had at least the ones that I really know of 3 that would last and would take long to dissolve. He wouold plead that he was sorry, take me for dinner, buy me flowers and say it was all over, then you find an e-mail. In April we went on a separation for 3months coz he had this other woman whom he saved her number under my name on his phone. when I asked him all about it he assaulted me.

I am willing. I odnt knoe about him. This is why I approached my pastor for help and got us on the marriage course. My opening up to him now seems a bit late but it was one of my efforts to really put things right. I have no idea whether I am coming or going now.

Okay....so you're married to a serial cheater who has assaulted you? Do you want to save this marriage? I'm not so sure remaining in this marriage is a good idea. In the case of mulitiple affairs and abuse....I advise safety first. Plan B....separation with no contact until he's willing to demonstrate effectively over TIME that he is emotionally and physically safe for you to live with. I'm so sorry.

thanx for that starfish. My pastor's wife told me exactly the same words. The problem is I still love him and wish things could be better. That does sound like a good idea and the only problem I had on this last separation we had constant contact for the kids and that made it really hard to stay apart.

justliving,

It's good to know that the pastor's wife and I agree....both sensible ladies I guess. I know you love your husband, and if he can be a good man....somewhere down the road you may be able to reconcile. But right now....you are not safe. For this separation, you need to arrange a go between who can help with the visitation. It's important that you don't have contact with him until he gets the proper help for both his emotional and physical abuse. The first step in being loved.....is loving yourself. You aren't showing much self love by staying in such a dangerous relationship. You need to explore the part of you that is willing to sacrifice yourself to love a man who treats you so poorly.

MrsWondering, Stafish and Frozen. Thank you very much for all oyur contributions. I am going to bed now as it is nearly midnight here in London. i will be meeting you again most probably on Monday eve.

Take care and God bless

sleep tight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Give us an update soon.