Cat, good for you for taking steps that you're enthusiastic about! And good for your H for avoiding the "change back" behavior!

Holy cow, cat, you're awesome! You're really standing firm, making your statements without DJs and without accepting his DJ comments as accurate. You're resisting his change-back messages! And the sky isn't falling in!

It's amusing that he focussed on the "you were horny" aspect.

This is why I think your DH has OCPD. He cannot allow himself to be wrong, which is a main symptom.

It is, but he doesn't fit a lot of the other symptoms. He's not preoccupied with details or rules, no one thinks he's stingy or self-righteous. The only time he ever shows perfectionism is when he's building something, and he hasn't built anything in 5 or 10 years. He doesn't have any rules or procedures for anything; in fact he's a pretty big slob and he takes NOT keeping things in order to an extreme.

I'm not trying to dispute it, I just don't see the comparison, except for him wanting admiration so badly to make up for his low self-esteem. And I'm the only person in his life who has allowed him to control them, so I think it just feels good for him to have someone lower than him on the totem pole.

But please provide more details, if you really see it. Anything to help me understand.

Cat, from the way you describe your husband it sounds like being super-controlling and negative is his way to stay safe. When you register your own opinion he has the immediate feeling that something is not tied down and that things may go horribly wrong.

Something that I wondered about with this insisting that you be home to tend to his needs in the evening...I wonder if he thinks that if he "lets" you start going out and doing things on your own that eventually you won't want to be at home at all.

I like the idea of you doing the things that you think you might do if you were single. I've fallen in the trap of giving up hobbies or activies after marriage because I wanted to spend time with my husband. Its important to have your own areas of expertise and fun along with the RC time you have with your husband.

I can't remember, is there anything that you and your dh do together that's fun, or does he just want to stay home?

Wow.
I just joined. Your husband is really really lucky to have you. And he KNOWS it. In his mind, if he allows you to do things for yourself, you willfind out how much fun life can be without him and bye bye. He certainly is passive aggressive.

It sucks growing up in a hideous family and I feel for both of you. It is obvious that the push your marriage needs to be a fulfilling loving marriage will HAVE to come from you. And I really think your husband will go along after a while. I think he married you because he saw this great person who was even more scared about life than he was. ANd since he is too scared and insecure to face the world and its ups and downs, he has tried to keep you on his level, afraid that once you smell the beautiful fresh air, you will want more and more out of life and I think that scares the poopoo out of him. He needs you. He can keep you down or you can bring him up. But I feel that YOU are the one blessed with what it takes to grasp life with both hands. If hes smart he will grap your coat and hang on for the ride.

You really are an impressive person. Good luck.

I think you're right about the fear. I spent the first 5 years of marriage reassuring him that I really wanted to be married to him. Which is weird, because before we married, he was a total ladies man. We worked together, and he had tons of girls calling for him, and the idiots would stay on hold just waiting to talk to him, sometimes for 30 minutes or more!

He quit playing sports with me (tennis, raquetball, bowling) decades ago because I always beat him. But I've been thinking about starting to ramp up tennis and raquetball again with D17 and hopefully he'll join along.

The only other thing he likes to do is movies. But his perfect world is for the 3 of us to stay in our bed and watch tv all day.

Thanks, gabagool. Sounds like a good estimation. My C agrees that he is just afraid.

So, update.

Who knew that a 30-second comment on Tuesday morning would lead to such a whirlwind week? He came home early again last night, just as I was starting my new policy for D17 for the night - 30 minutes of cleaning every day. We stop what we're doing, and just clean, pick up, organize, whatever, for 30 minutes. Then we stop and go back to our lives. We've only done it twice so far, but you wouldn't believe the difference in our house! And you may know that the messy house is my biggest EN, so I'm feeling really good about that.

Anyway, he came in as we were starting. I explained to him my new 30-minute policy. I didn't tell him I wanted him to participate (that would have been nagging to him), but I handed him a bunch of his shirts in the laundry room and asked him to hang them up. He did! Then he came into the kitchen and started picking up! He went through his mail, picked up, and even vacuumed the living room!

And then he went to a meeting at school with us! I returned the favor by giving him public affection, holding his hand at school and such, and sat with him on the couch and watched tv (even though I needed to work), and then he got SF for the second time this week.

So I'm trying to solidify for him how great things are when I get to speak my peace - peacefully - and when he helps me.

And I had told him that morning that I was going out to eat with a friend, but she had to cancel, so I called him to tell him that I had rescheduled it. He said, 'you didn't have to tell me that' and I said, 'I know, I just wanted to let you know where I am, if you need me' - which led to him coming home early. So my going out was discussed out in the open and he showed no bristling about it. Good stuff.

As for going to C yesterday, she gave me an A+ for this week. My goals from her are to plan to do one thing for myself each week, like the pedicure I got; to tell myself I have the right to look good and dress well, even though I'm 30-40 pounds overweight because my appearance is such a big issue for me, based on FOO stuff; and something else, but I forgot it. I knew I should have written it down! I might have to call her.

Anyway, one of the best weeks I've had in years, maybe decades.

Oh, I have to add, that I told C about my conversation, and I called it a drive-by (can't remember, who should I thank here for that term?), and she was just ecstatic about that term! She loved it! Don't be surprised if it doesn't start surfacing in psychology circles!

Wow, cat, that's so cool! I love seeing you take ownership of your actions!


Cat, it bothers me when you say this stuff, as if you were taking responsibility for his perspective. Seperate and equal, hon, his perspective to own. It'll make it easier to get into the habit of thinking like that now, when things are going well. Then on the bad days, you'll have this to fall back on.

You're right. I guess what I meant is that instead of just ignoring him or doing my own thing, when he 'gives' I feel a little bit of love for him and I want to make a conscious effort to reciprocate. For instance, he used to kiss me goodbye every day and say I love you. But over the years and my resentment, I removed myself from the equation, so that affection disappeared. So I've been making a point to remember to kiss him goodbye. Can't quite say I love you, but I might get there.

God
I do something nice for you

You do something nice for me.

I've forgotten how simple the rules are.

Thnaks, cat. I suspected that you did feel that way, but were just using the same old words out of habit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Giving as a gift freely given

and

Making a choice to love

instead of Giving to Get

Yep. Golden Rule, baby! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

A+ Catperson.....You Go Girl!

Cat, so much progress! I'm so happy to see your proactive approach and setting aside your fear. Do you feel that fear diminishing just a bit?

It feels so good to put a plan into motion and get results. I'm so very happy for you that you've gotten the courage to make your move!

Yes, I'm a little less fearful now. Starting to see a little bit of the guy I used to know.

C asked me what I want. I told her that when I look at other women, I see them making decisions and then doing stuff. Whereas I think of something and immediately think if he'll get upset. I want to get to where I never think that again.

Oh, that's the other thing I'm supposed to do, I remember now; I'm supposed to, every time I want to do something - say the pedicure - and think that I shouldn't or he'll be mad or I'll have to justify my actions, I'm supposed to picture the thousands of women around the world having a pedicure that very moment and never giving it a moment's thought...because it ISN'T a big deal and it IS what normal women have in their lives. That's a hard one for me.

I think that part will get easier as you go, Cat. It sounds like you've started allowing H to be in a bad mood if he chooses and that's part of your process. So if you choose to do something for yourself and he gets mad, then he'll get over it. I know it doesn't happen overnight, but you're on the right path.

The other thing that's happening is that H isn't always getting mad. So the way you're handling it must be working. I was so happy to hear you say that you've seen bits of the man you used to know. I'm sure that's some big incentive to keep doing what you're doing and deal with any bumps in the road as just blips.

Wow, cat, that would be hard. I like how in the POJA section, Dr. H suggests the words, "How would you feel about..." You can reaffirm for yourself that you're not digging yourself into a horrible ditch, that everything's fine.

By the way, my H does have a problem with me getting a pedicure. He says it costs too much. Good to know. So I asked if he'd give me a foot rub with my favorite lotion. Which he did. So we found a win-win.

I actually only got the pedicure because (1) D17 asked to get her eyebrows waxed so I was there and (2) I have a problem with my toenails that I have a hard time fixing myself and the one other time I got one, I discovered that they fix the problem. Otherwise, I wouldn't be spending the money, believe me. I don't usually get but 2 haircuts a year.

I discussed in C yesterday that I've never been comfortable being female. My father wanted a boy, so I had to be a tomboy to get his attention; my older brother tried to make me think being female was a bad thing so I wouldn't have sex in high school; my fiance pretty much remade me in the image he wanted for a girlfriend, and I've been broke my entire adult life so have never spent money on myself. So it's a pretty alien concept for me. I get embarrassed if I look at myself in the mirror at work and someone sees me.

MrCat used to rub my feet, but the last few years he's...resentful? He does a half-a## job for at most 60 seconds, and then stops. Even though he knows I have plantar fasciitis and perpetually painful feet and I would choose a foot rub over a thousand dollars. I'm going to assume (I know...) that he feels that since I've withdrawn from him, why should he make the effort. One of the reasons I've been trying to fill his 'love bucket.'

Cat, I'm glad that that strategy is working for you. What helped me also was to check my intent. Sometimes my H would be against me taking a second car when I was not okay enabling his drinking by chauffering him. I wasn't taking a second car to make a point to H, I was taking a car because I had no room for building one more speck of resentment at that time.

I don't know if thousands of women needed to do that, but I know I needed to do that to really get it that it was my choice whether or not to enable my H at that moment.