Oh, cat, sorry, I didn't mean that there's anything wrong with you getting a pedicure. I think it's great, and I'd like to get one, too! I just meant that your H may not always be enthusiastic about everything that thousands of other women get to do, but that's okay, too.

My H doesn't usually like to give a foot rub, either, but said he was enthusiastic so that I'd stop negotiating for the pedicure. It's a work in progress <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My SiL has plantar fasciitis, too. Have you tried sleeping with those boots that stretch the area while you sleep?

Honestly I haven't wanted to spend the $25 per boot. I keep looking at them. I may try to save up for it, but as it is, I'm taking some of my bills home to my H to tell him that I can't pay them this month. I may have mentioned we got $130,000 from the sale of our house last spring, but H invested it instead of paying off all our bills, so I am once again maxed out on my paycheck vs. bills. So all I can do is give him the ones I can't pay, since he refuses to fix the problem. And I've spent several hundred dollars the last few weeks on D17's chiropractor and dance class (you have to pay $250 up front). So I tend to put off paying for stuff for myself. The pedicure was a fling and I'm already sorry I spent the $20, cos my checking account is close to overdrawing.

You are on the mark.

It's one of the issues we are dealing with.
If he's not making this his business, don't include him at all.

My DW shared with me that on our previous vacations, she would spend the whole trip trying to keep the kids from upsetting me, and said she felt as she was walking on eggshels...the whole trip.

I was completely unaware of the underling building resentment or what the cause was.

To believe she needed to do this, she would have to believe that I am some kind of moody bully. I'm not. I'm happy...and I'm on vacation.

What a terrible set up for everyone. If anyone did anything BUT smile she would say that the entire trip was ruined.

Her belief that somehow she was/is responsible for my thoughts and general mood, good or bad... is false.

She also felt/feels that somehow she could be responsible for the actions of three children on vacation.

What power she must posses!

If I would stop and correct the bad behavior of a beloved child she would blowup.
The kids have a blast on our vacations. They tell us for months afterwords, and want to go again...and again, so do I.

So..DW...Please don't send me a bill for eggshells that I did not order.

My mood cloudy or sunny is my bag to carry.

You're not responsible for it...at all.

I hope that takes the burdon off of you.

Back when I was doing regular therapy, and was suicidal, I told him that I was afraid of him - what did I have to lose? It upset him, and he has calmed down a lot from then. But as long as I don't bring such things up, he won't. He just forgets about them. But I gave up on all the progess I made. So I'm starting over.

Case in point. This morning after taking D17 to her chiropractor, I came back (he was still lying in bed watching tv, which he'll do all day) and came up to him and asked if he would get the Christmas boxes out of the attic so I could take down Christmas decorations and the tree. He started talking to the cat, his typical way of avoiding my 'nagging' him. But this time I didn't walk away; I just stood there and was in fact getting ready to ask him if he heard what I asked, when he stopped talking to the cat and said "Ok, I'll get them down."

So. Small victories.

Catperson, just wanted to say, you are doing so great.

Hi Catperson,

I've nothing really apropos to say about your thread, other than I love the progress you're making.

However, I tend to get plantar fasciitis easily too (short calf muscles make for beautifully toned and muscly calves but easily hurt feet!) when I run too much.

I bought one of these sock devices for stretching your feet, but I never use it - I sleep curled up and it gets in the way so I can't sleep, and if I just run short stretches instead of insisting on an hour every time, I don't get an irritated foot. If you'd like, I can send you my sock device.

cat,

yeah for small victories!! they all add up.

best wishes to you.

WolfDeca, that's really sweet of you. I would love to at least try one, to see if I can use it. Can you PM/email me? How does it work here? I will pay you for the packaging and postage. Thanks again.

Catperson - I can't seem to send you a PM.

* Got your e-mail! *

Cat,

I just wanted to share with you that I read your entire thread last night from start to finish. I wanted to comment on how much progress I see that you are making.

I wanted to share with you that I admire you for making a choice after 30 years of M to change the dance steps.

I respect your choice to do the work on your self, the FOO issues, etc. to start living a more happy and emotionally healthy life for yourself. Good self care to choose to go to IC. You are doing great.

I so admire that when someone has called you on a DJ here to either your DH or to yourself that you are willing to own it and work on making different choices in the future.

This has been on of the most uplifting and encouraging threads I have read on MB.

I believe you have so much to offer in the support of BTE, and many others here too. I really respect your choice to work with BTE and go the distance with her. Thank you.

Like others have said about you here... you have some true grit girl.

Amazing you are.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Jilly

jj, thank you very much, it means a lot. And I'm glad you think I've been helpful, that's all I want.

Hey Cat,

You are helpful. Wanna help me with something else? I noticed here that Ears suggested the Owning Your Own Villagers thread. I was thinking that it might be nice to start a new thread here on the EN board with that title... what do you think?

I could really do the exercise again, would be helpful to me. Are you interested?

Jilly

Oooh oooh oooh can I join?

I don't even know what that means! But go right ahead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Anyone can join. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Cat,

There is a book called Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. LA started a thread on GQ about one of the exercises in the book called Owning All Your Villagers. I posted part of the exercise on BTE's thread. The one where I asked her to name 10 people she really detests... did you read that post from me to her. If not I will explain the exercise again in the thread.

I think I will start it tomorrow evening. I want to get the book out and make sure that I word the directions for the exercise correctly. Doing the exercise was really helpful.

It was a really healing thread for many of us that participated in it. I could really benefit from doing the exercise again.

Again anyone who wants to is free to participate.

Jilly

I read that post. Sounds interesting.

Went to a book sale at the library Saturday, and got a bunch of books on self and marriage, etc. Starting one on codependency, to see if it applies. Going there was a good exercise for me. Took D17 to chiropractor at 8:30 but the library wasn't open until 10, so we went home. Then around 10:30 D asked if we were going to go back to library. I knew MrCat would question us going out again (it's a bit of a drive into town), but I went and told him we were going. When he asked why, I explained, adding that we could get books really cheap, which is good in his mind, as he thinks we have too many books already). Asked him if he wanted to go, of course he said no (still in bed). But we went anyway, even though he wasn't happy. So that's good. Doing what C told me to do.

I then asked him (for the second week) if he would get the Christmas boxes out of the attic, he said yes. But when we got back near noon, he was still in bed and said he had taken Nyquil! Like I've said, when I ask him for something, he finds a way to make it impossible for him to follow through right then and there. I'm not saying he wasn't sick, but...*sigh*. But I was determined not to push it.

Anyway, he finally got the boxes down Sunday (on his own terms) - after our friends came over and he got embarrassed that the tree was still up, and did help me put everything away, which took at least half the day.

And today my car wouldn't start so instead of leaving me there to deal with the tow truck, he stayed and then followed me to the dealer to see what was wrong, and didn't get into work til after 10.

Now, my old self (and I have to admit I was thinking it) would have been saying, he doesn't trust me to deal with the dealership and not get screwed, that's why he's following me; he's certainly said so enough times. But instead of letting myself feel that way, I consciously tried to see it in a good light - lucky I have a husband who looks after me and helps me. Trying to fill up the 'love bucket.'

Cat,

I am excited to hear that you are open to trying the exercise. It was very rewarding for me.

Yeah... the Christmas stuff is put away. You can scratch that one off your to do list. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good for your for choosing to look at things with the car dealership on the light side... keep working on the love bucket. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You really do give me so much hope. Thanks for being YOU.

Jilly

I had an IC meeting tonight. I wasn't in there 3 minutes before I started crying, and kept crying on and off the whole hour. I don't cry in front of anyone. I don't have feelings in front of anyone.

I told her D17 today asked me how my day was, and I was surprised and suspicious. No one ever asks me about myself. I never talk about myself. I told IC I thought that she was asking me because she knows I'm depressed and she's trying to take care of me, just like I took care of my mother in my teens, and how it made me feel guilty that I'm so screwed up my daughter's turning into a Giver because of me. She asked me to consider that D17 asked me about myself simply because she's getting older and can really be interested in my life. I can't see it. My life is too unimportant for her to care about it. I know that's unhealthy thinking, but there it is.

Talked about our money problems, and IC asked me to tell her what would happen if I brought up paying off our bills again, so I went through a typical blowup, which usually leaves me shredded and just wanting to die. I think I'm scaring IC cos this is the second meeting that suicide has come up; she wants to see me next week. Little does she know that I have a death wish hovering around in the back of my head all the time, as in driving down the road thinking 'whoa I almost got in a wreck - gee I wish it would have just happened so everything would be over.'

We talked about how profoundly sad I am that I gave up my dream job at NASA, the only job I ever wanted, because of our money problems - which I take half the responsibility for, by being so bad about paying bills and such. But it hit me that that sadness is so VERY profound that it's clouding everything else in my life. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

On the way home, I was thinking what I'd say if H asked me directly why I'm going to IC, because I'm going late at night when he comes home and I'm not here - a big change at our house. I tell myself that if it happens I'm just going to tell the truth, for once, and tell him that I have a ton of issues that are mostly related to him. Don't know if I'll have that much courage, though.

{{{{{ cat }}}}}

Change is painful and scary. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to talk to your IC about these things. I'm very proud of you for deciding to just tell your H the truth. I hope you were able to do that.

And we aren't allowed the luxury of a death wish you know, not once we become mothers... please be careful, 'kay?

Is this silence a Villager that you don't like? Want to bring it to the Villagers thread?

I like how LovingAnyway says, "State, Don't Demonstrate" You have the second part down really good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You have been brave enough to look at the silence before. That you are afraid specifically of your H's disapproval. LA asked me to try giving myself what I wasn't getting from my H. What would giving yourself approval look like for you?

I care about you so much, and am so sorry that yesterday was so hard. Could you be mourning a loss, like the decision to step aside from your dream job, working through to get to acceptance, so that today you can move forward from strength and honesty?



I hear you about the fears of parentifying our kids. I think that you are a safe person for your daughter to Give to, though. I was a big caregiver at 17, the oldest of 6 kids, and the youngest four kids all 6 and under. Cat, I really thrived like that. It encouraged me to go into teaching, even though later I found that it takes a lot more skill and talent to deal with 32 kids than it does with 5! I stayed out of trouble, and I am really close with them all now as adults. Maybe your daughter finds her time with you her favorite time of the day, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I love listening to my Grandpa's stories. I am so glad that he shares them with me. But you feel like your daughter is just suffering from parentification. Have you asked her? Why does your mind go to and pick out the worst belief in the bunch? Is there a false payoff in there?

Would that justify leaving, if your daughter is being harmed by the current situation? Would that be your motivation to take on the changes that you want to be doing, if your daughter is being guilted, today?



I remember that vanishing wish. Even after all this retraining, that sneaky thing still pops back up! But I recognize it much faster, move through it faster, and get over it faster. Looking back, I think that it was my mind telling me that those situations I was staying in were not okay. That I needed to be out of them. Al Turtle says, don't divorce the spouse, divorce the marriage. The same way, what are these thoughts telling you? Are they pushing you to make some scary changes for fear of what would happen if you don't make them?

There was an awesome post on InRecovery a long time ago about how people motivate themselves negatively because that's all they know from being kids. "You better do that or..." Like getting up for work, "you better get up now or you'll be late." But that we get used to those threats, so we make them bigger. "You better get up now or you'll be late and lose your job." Then, "You better get up now or you'll be late and lose your job and be homeless." But that leads to negative association to all the things that we do in a day.

It suggests using positive reinformcement in your thoughts instead. And then over time, you'll also make your dreams bigger. "Time to get up, so you can show 'em how great you'll do on that new project today." Then, "Time to get up, so you can show 'em how great you'll do leading that new department today."

Hold, do you read here? Did I get that all, or is there something that you'd like to add in about that?



Cat, with your H, I wish you well with whatever you tell him.

((((Cat))))