I am so tired of fighting for this marriage. For the last 2+ years I have been trying to recover, but my husband has seemed to sink deeper into a self destructive pattern.
He has PTSD and was admitted to a mental hospital a few weeks ago, has been put on medication and been to a couple of treatments. I thought he was really going to try this time, but tonight, we had a formal function for work and he decided to drink heavily, depite what the Drs told him about alcohol and his medication.
I had to leave. I just get tired of the excuses. I am tired of being the only one actively trying to save the marriage. At this point I think I only stay because my daughter and the fact that I am pregnant. I am not sure that I am in love with him anymore.
I guess I just need to vent. I have no support system here. I feel bad talking to my family about our problems over and over again-I just feel very alone.

You can post here to vent but do you also want a recovery plan 4 u?

L.

Don't feel alone, there are many here to listen. I do understand your frustration- more than you can imagine.

Leaving the function was probably your best bet.

Why was he given a diagnosis of PTSD- if I understand right he was wayward, right? How was he traumatized? Maybe a little background info might help me out.
AM

PTSD is due to the war. He has been to Iraq twice. The last time in 04-05 really messed him up. He is no longer the same person that I married. Completely self absorbed and destructive, especially with the alcohol for the past two years.
I found out about the OW in 05 after he came back from Iraw, we worked on recovery, but it has been hard. I had moved out of the house in July due to his drinking. I could not deal with it along with a completely unexpected pregnancy. But he asked me to come back in September, which I did, then a few days after I moved me and my daughter back a woman made allegations about him at work.
He tells me they are unture, but we all know that a WH will lie, lie, lie.
I don't think that I want a rocovery plan at this point. I don't think that this man is capable of making the right choices. He has PTSD and an alcohol problem, but won't admit he has a problem with drinking. He says I have to accept that that is a part of who he is.

I am just heart broken because my daughter loves him and he had been there for her since she was 2-she is now 9. I feel like I should give this baby a chance to know his father and vice versa, but what kind of father is he when he drinks so much and doesn't care about anyone but himself?

I am confused, alone and scared.

How many years was he a good husband?

3 years married, 1 year while dating. He was also good for about 6 months after dday in 05.
We will be married for 6 yrs in Dec.

Have you checked out EMDT therapy for him? (eye movement dysythesis therapy) This is a technique that was used on Vets in the 70's, according to my therapist.

I did this to help with my emotions as a response to triggers- like she gave him a nickelback cd. Each time I heard the music on the radio I would become an emotional wreck (typically inside as I held it together for kids) but after so much holding it in, I was like a volcano of tears. I really provided relief. He is more than likely trying to self medicate with the alchol.

How does he respond the following day? Are yall able to communicate when he is not drinking? Is the affair still an issue?

What are you doing for yourself?
AM

I think I would go to Alanon to get help on dealing with someone who drinks. That will be the best thing for you.

He needs treatment for the PTSD, but they say that the ones who need it the most are the same ones who refuse to seek help.

Is there any chance you could move back home?

I am not sure about his treatment plan. I think right now they are trying to figure out the dosing on his medication and getting him into some group therapy. He has an individual appt on the 14th, but he doesn't talk much about his therapy.
He has not had anything to drink in a month and a half and we were doing good. Leading up to this event we were having problems b/c there was going to be alcohol there. He began making excuses to me Friday about how good he has ben and he hasn't been out drinking, and all he is asking is for me to be ok with him having a good time at this event.
I did not want to enable or be manipulated into feeling guilty, so I just let him make his choice and I left. He was pretty mean to me when I told him I was leaving. I am not looking forward to seeing him in the morn.

Would he consider going to AA? Probably not, I guess.

Could you move home?

I have been home now since mid September, and like I said things were going ok, until tonight. I mean he has been distant lately-but I chalk it up to his mental state and his meds-not to mention he may lose his job due to these allegations and his PTSD.

I will look into ALANON for myself, if only to know how to deal with him in relation to the baby. I am not sure that it will do anything to save my marriage...

Sorry, I meant home where your family and friends are.

Please do go to Alanon for some support. It is really helpful.

If he loses his job, it might be the best thing that has happened to him.

I do have a lot of sympathy for our vets who have PTSD. But we need to get the oxygen mask on YOU before we start trying to fix him.

He will never go to AA. His psych did say that they would eventually get him into an addiction program, but they need to focus right now on the PTSD and getting the meds right due to his extreme hypervigilence and paranoia.

There was a piece of paper they had given him when he was discharged from the mental ward that said if he drank they needed to be contacted, but I cannot find that paper now. Besides I do not want him to be committed again. It was a big deal for him to go get the help to begin with. Then when they committed him due to the severity of his symptoms, it made him wary of continuing, although he does go to his appointments.

Unfortuantely I cannot move home to family and friends because of my job. I will more than likely be able to move a few months after the baby is born, maybe in June when my daughter is through with school.

I do think it would be good if he loses his job. We are both military and it is not a great enviornment for an alcoholic, since it is so prevelant, and with his PTSD, there is no way he can continue to go back to Iraq.

I do not even know how to fix me right now. It seems all of the focus has been on HIM. I guess that is why I just want to give up. I am tired of it always being about him.

I do hope that the treatment program has something for wives to go to.

The PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. He probably drinks to self-medicate because it makes him feel better. But it makes everything worse.

I would contact the mental ward though if that is what they told you to do.

Will hubby talk to you at all?

He will talk a little. He says things like he needs me and he knows things are bad, but he is trying. He also tries to tell me that he has been so good and why can't I just let him have a good time.

I know that I need help too. I have experienced PTSS too because of the affair and the drinking. When the psych talked to me as a part of my husband's eval, he suggested I speak to someone too.

H and I spoke in Sunday after the event and he says he realizes he is a**hole. He is away today for treatment for PTSD, has to stay overnight for testing and we will talk more when he gets back.
I don't understand this man anymore-he knows he is not meeting any of my needs and apologizes but does nothing to change it.
I don't know what else to do. I know that most people on this sight think that you have to do everything to save a marriage, but I am really at my end. I feel like my resentment if growing and my love is fading.

I hope you will go to Alanon. You need to be supported through this, and Alanon is great! If you don't like the first group you attend, keep trying.

If you are starting to lose your love for him, you might need to go to Plan B. Think about it. You must figure out how to have no contact with him at all. You will need to get your finances in order so that there is no reason to contact him.

Severe PTSD requires more treatment than just drugs.

Been there, done that.

And...his alchohol is potentially every bit as destructive behavior as the PTSD. They need to be treating BOTH, at the same time. Either one of these is potentially life-threatening if left untreated.

You need to have him re-committed if that's what it will take to dry him out AND get him full treatment for PTSD. Otherwise you're likely to be dealing with this for YEARS.

I've been there. I suffered PTSD twice in my life...once due to my time in the military and once due to my wife's affair. I had issues with alchoholism the first time as well...and dealt with both at the same time. That was well before I met my wife.

Call his doctor, talk to him about the whole picture here. Odds are high that he's not sharing everything with his doc...and his doc is making decisions without all the information.

Star, have you discussed these issues with his commander and/or the Chaplain?