I have yet another question for any FWS.

I would like to know why you returned to your BS.

My WW says she is not ready to come back regardless of all the literature she has read. I wonder if it was because your OP dumped you, you realised you loved your BS or more importantly was it because of your kids. I was wondering how many WS's came back who felt they had no alternative, rather than they loved their BS.

So the question is:

Why did you return to your BS?

HAF,

I asked that same question a few months back, and there was a thread on it somewhere. Maybe someone else knows where it is. I can't remember....

I dumped my FOM when I finally started to see all the lies he was telling me. Starting to see him for exactly who he was helped me see what a great guy my H really was and made me really appreciate what I would be missing if I didn't have my H is my life.

LC

LC--


I'm sure you've said these words to your husband.

How much I'd like to hear them.

If all wayward wives (with or without their "F") only knew how much this simple statement would mean to their betrayed husbands. Straight-forward, to the point, powerful: you are a better man than my OM.

Blessings

I suppose what I should also be asking is:

Were you ready to return to your BS?

HAF ~

When I found out for the second time that the A had been continuing, I went straight to Plan B.

My FWH cut off all contact that day, but it still took him 5 weeks to come home. I don't really know why, he has referred to that time as still being foggy (he says it was never a question of who he would choose ~ OW or me...I believe it was more like he had made a huge mess out of our lives and he needed the time to build up strength, clear his mind, etc. for the huge task of re-building the M).

I don't know this for sure, this is just my guess. Maybe he will post to you and give you some insight.

To be honest, I needed the time as well. I did not want him coming home any earlier. In fact, we may have been better off waiting even longer for him to come home.

Work on yourself during this time. I spent a lot of time reading and praying. "Boundaries in Marriage" is a great one and will really help when/if you do get into recovery. And of course, all of the books offered on this website are invaluable as well.

Good luck...

I woke up from the nightmare I was creating. I realized how ridiculous the situation was and how it was not solving the real problem of an unhappy M and only making matters worse.

I ended it, vowed to myself to try on the M.

By the way, I ALWAYS felt love for my BS, no matter how ridiculous that may sound!

My wife posted here something to the effect that she returned home:

- to stop the kids acting weird around her
- because after 23 years of marriage "us" needed another chance

She was "in lurve" with OM.

She believes she was not emotionally ready to return home when she did.

She hated me when she returned home. Withdrawal was difficult for her.

I should add, 2 years later, things are radically different. We did manage to build a new marriage out of the ashes and we love each other very much.

We are renewing our Wedding vows on our 25th Wedding Anniversary in a few weeks time.

It would also be accurate to add that she would probably never have considered reconcilliation if we didn't have children. OM also had a wife and children but he happily abandoned them and never would have looked back until his fantasy crumbled (my wife came home)

Good for you BigK, All the best for you when you renew those vows

Artor,

I 2nd that! If only my WH would just tell me that I'm who he wants to be with and that I'm better then the OW.

I am also waiting for that day.

I think that WS just don't understand the intensity of the pain they caused. My WH thinks that the problems in our M is separate from his A. Where I think that, though there were issues (who doesn't after 19 years of M?), the A magnified it.

M issues can be worked out, when there is only 2 people involved, but add a third person.....well then it becomes a comparison game. "What is it about her that you are so attracted to?" to "What is lacking in me that you don't find appealing anymore?" Oh, but what happened has nothing to do with you....so don't take it so personal.

This is a cruel, sick and twisted mental, emotional game that we find ourselves in. What's worse is that not only do we not know the rules but there isn't a straight answer.

It would be nice..no..great to get a dead in the eyes, clear, genuine answer to our questions.

Sitting on a fence in the fog eating cake....kinda really sucks.....for me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Tami

Thanks for your input and don't take this the wrong way, but we need input from FWS, to help us understand better and try and get some answers for the hundreds of question all BS want to ask.

I know its hard and very difficult for all BS's. FWS are in the minority on these boards so their input is so valuable. If the truth be know all of us could have been WS's, most don't go looking and it happens over a long period, which is probable why it takes so long to end.

I will keep bumping this thread on the hope we continue to find answers.

HAF

HAF,


I was ready to end my marriage, not because of the A, I was ready to end it before the A even started. I was in the process of setting myself up financially to the point I had a secret bank account. I didn't have enough stashed away and I was very afraid to actually leave. What I didn't expect was the guilt I would feel for cheating. I was very close to having a nervous breakdown when I ended the A. (I did eventually have it, but not until months later).

When I ended the A my plan was "to take it to the grave". The very first book I read after I ended my A was HNHN and asked my H to read it. It opened up a window for us. We didn't really follow any plan, but used things out of it. I started reading books about relationships and was working on our marriage. I didn't tell my H because I didn't want to have to tell him about my A. What I found is as I read things and applied them, he followed along. We still struggled with communication though and rarely had anything to talk about except our children.

As time went on the guilt kept growing. I ended the A in Sept 2003 and at the end of March 2004/beginning of April DH and I went on a business trip to Hawaii. Before we left I vowed to myself if we had nothing to talk about except our children, I was done and I was leaving.

Much to my surprise we had a wonderful time and bonded like we had never bonded before. To this day I refer to this trip as our marriage saving trip. It was the start of our new relationship.

After this trip my guilt grew to a level I couldn't handle thus starting my struggle as to whether or not to tell my DH about the A. Between still working with and living around the corner from FOM and the guilt my inevitable nervous breakdown came. I secretly went to therapy to get my head on straight. . It took me until Dec 04 to finally get the courage (and convincing by others on another board I use to frequent) before I told him.

Once I confessed we were able to both put in the required work. The only thing I regret about telling him is not doing it sooner.

LC

Artor,


Yes, I have said these words to my DH many times. I do appreciate him very much and I do feel very fortunate to have him in my life. I like to remind him of that.

I hope you do hear the words someday.

LC

I think Dr Harley's line "I love you but I'm not in love with you" was true for me. I was in love with OM when I went home and I did think the my H deserved another chance, I did not want my kids to be another statistic (sounds corny but true). I did not FEEL like coming home but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Marriage is a committment....Committment is a word spoken throught gritted teeth sometimes....Like saying 'I'm not gonna let go of this"..I was gritting my teeth ..My darling H, BigK showed such committment to me....and I love him forever for it.

Thanks Mrs K, your input and that of other FWS is always valuable.

I think if I ever get to being back together with my WW, I'll create a post just for you to answer.

HAF

I realized quickly how LUCKY I was to have H in my life. Him leaving the family home after everything went down made me realize how good I had it. He's a great father and all around a great man. I cannot envision my life without him anymore.

bump

H&F,

I've seen your thread go by on the board...didn't have the words to post. Thank you for bumping it.

I ended my A before I chose to return to the marriage...and I asked for reconciliation before I felt like it...I was really angry at the time.

It's like I figured out my ultimate happiness lay within my marriage...and didn't want to believe it. A couple of weeks later, when I read of my BH's pain from his journals during my A...really hit me where I lived.

He hurt, too.

Tremendously.

That was what finally broke through my malingering fog...my main justification for my A's was always my own pain and him feeling nothing; not caring, not being harmed, indifferent. Total self-deception.

Could it be that when the primary leg of our justification falls...when reality walks in and sits down...then we are ready to return to the BS? I dunno...I just know that at this same time my BH was a WH, and finding MB gave me permission to save my marriage.

When my WH committed to working two years on our marriage, he did so with great reluctance and anger. I'm not sure I would have accepted it had I not come back to it in the same way...and those were the words he used, and I heard bitterness and resentment when he said them, that his ultimate happiness lay in the future in his marriage.

And we are deeply grateful today for not acting from our feelings. We chose from our beliefs and did the work...still doing it...and yes, we are happier than we had been prior in our whole lives...even before we met.

Maybe the key was to stop reacting to our emotions and acting from beliefs, eh? Then the feelings follow.

LA