my sister was living with me and my husband last year, she is 20 and she was staying with us in order to puruse her higher studies.
During the year, my husband took extreme care of her and took great pain to see she was comfortable. But by the end of the year my sister became very rude and verbally abusive towards my parents and me because she wanted to stay in a hostel and wanted to move out from my house. She was quite ungrateful for the kindness I'd shown towards her during the past year and I like a fool told all of this to my husband.
after her summer holidays when my sister came back to australia (where we live) she started visiting us on weekends and weekdays she used to be in the hostel. My husband became increasingly agitated towards her, he didnt want to do things for her anymore as he felt he wasnt valued by her. I on the other hand felt couldnt tolerate the fact that I cannot meet my sister on weekends due to my husband, so I kept insisting for her to come which agitated my husband even more. It got to a point that 2 days ago I rang up my father (infront of my husband) and said that my husband doesnt want to see my sister, he doesnt want to see her face and he has asked me not to call her.
This made my husband more angry and he rang up his mum and blurted out that my parents and I were causing pressure over him to care for my sister just like old times, he even listed out to his mum each and everything good gesture that he had done for my sister.
I am 28 weeks pregnant and when i was trying to snatch the phone from him so that he doesnt ring his mum, he slapped me and pulled my hair and swore at me. It was as though an evil spell has been cast on him, he was totally out of his senses. my dad then called to speak to him and he started shouting on the phone to my dad saying 'I dont want to see your younger daughter, I dont want to see her face and it was my fault that I kept her for one year in my house'
end of story is that i informed my husband's mum that he was physically abusive towards me and she took my side and scolded him. He didnt apologise to me at all for what he did, but he rang and apologised to both my parents and also started crying on the phone.
I am now in a dilemma, he has apologised to my parents but he has gone back to his old self again and is again verbally abusive towards me, saying that whatever he said to my dad wasnt wrong and that he was only apologising for the fact that he had spoken in loud tone. I have tried to be polite to him and requested him to be gentle towards me just for the sake of our baby who is still in my womb, but he tends to get more and more agitated using foul language and showing no remorse or guilt for his actions.
I dont know what to do, I feel like going far away from him, not keeping in touch with him for couple of days. i dont know how to make him reflect on his actions and to see where he is wrong, he basically feels he is not guilty for anything. I keep trying to go upto him and make him calm down and he would be calm for a while and then again he'd get abusive. he began pushing me away with his hands yet again.
I've read the articles about resolving conflict and about 'giver and taker' concept. I was the taker in our marriage so far and I think thats part of the matter too that now when my husband is trying to be the taker he sees no boundaries in causing me pain. But in this situation he is also causing pain to my parents and my sister by passing rude remarks that he hates my sister and he regrets the fact that he let her stay with us for one year. How do i make him a human again?

No offense, but you both sound somewhat immature, as in not really old enough yet to be taking on the burdens of a family. Both of you seem to be reacting in selfish, childish ways. Calling mom, snatching phones, pulling hair...see what I mean? If you're going to have a family, you need to know that you don't get to be selfish any more. I don't mean to give in to him, I mean you have to think of your baby first, and all actions should be thinking of the baby first - not who's to blame, who's acted worse. You could do with some more adult advice and counseling, and maybe some time apart. Then regroup and calmly discuss what the real issues are.

And, by the way, your sister does not need to be coddled; she needs to step up and take her own responsibility; I don't blame your husband for being upset about her. From what you've said, it sounds like you and your sister are used to getting things your way. That said, I would NOT tolerate any physical action by your husband. He needs to have that clear.

Sorry, but you asked.

Hi, no offense taken infact I badly need to get to the core of this so that I can save my marriage. I can see where I have gone wrong, but I need to work with him to have this sorted. At the moment he seems to be in a denial, refusing to see where his faults were, his explanation is that I aggravated the situation so whatever he said and did is my fault. I dont know how to react to that, I dont know how to behave with him currently, time out would'ev definitely helped but due to work commitments either one of us cant simply move out of the house for the time being.
How do I behave i dont know!!!

What you are describing is an abusive personality. They come in all sizes and types. My H is abusive in that it has to be all about him, you cannot question what he does, and everything is everyone else's fault. But there are all kinds. Bottom line, they will not accept fault. And they will turn any fault around until it is squarely on YOU. That way, they get to be the forgiving, benevolent, wiser person who sacrifices himself by giving you a second chance. It is UTTER manipulation.

My daughter, 17, is the most headstrong, sure of herself, fun loving person you ever met. Every guy she meets, she tells right up front she will not have sex, she will not fall in love, she will not be tied down. She started dating this boy this summer, and within 2 months, she was apologizing to him! It scared me to death. Everything he said turned into 'you did this to me,' 'you made me get mad,' 'you shouldn't have...' - It is NEVER their fault.

My advice is go to the library and start checking out every book you can get on abuse and manipulation and arm yourself with knowledge. They will teach you how to protect yourself (and your baby) from it getting worse. Your husband is in the first stages, but unless you stem it now, it will get worse.

Do it for you and your baby, but do it for him, too. He has never been given the tools to master his own self-anger (what it really is), but you can learn about it and help him.

My wish list for you, however, would be to find a marriage counselor and both of you go so you can learn some good coping strategies.

And of course, you can find a lot of good information here. But nothing will be as helpful as a good marriage counselor. Demand it now while you're young, because if you wait, you'll be too beaten down mentally to seek help. If he refuses to go, find a way to make him go. Quit cooking his dinner, quit...whatever, but find what will make him willing to take the step.

Gina,

Is it illegal in Australia to hit your wife? To slap, pull hair? I honestly don't know...am assuming it is...so my question is why would you call your folks and tell them what he did instead of the authorities?

I see you both caught up in assigning blame/fault. I see you both responsible for your own actions...including you making him the bad guy and him making you one.

Remove blame/fault from your marriage. There is only responsibility...and if you'll re-read your first post above, find where you shirked yours, put it onto him, and then yanked it back...find your false payoff in doing this and you won't do it, 'k?

Your focus, like your blame, is all over him. Like not reporting the domestic abuse incident, you're betraying yourself again by not owning that you don't know or enforce your boundaries...sounds to me like you truly believe that he can make you think, feel, believe, perceive something...and he cannot.

Nor can you make him.

Doesn't sound like you respected your younger sister, your husband or yourself. I believe you very much want to experience respect for yourself, your H and your marriage. Acting from your choice TO respect is where it begins...I know you can do this. Also entails you knowing what is within your control and what isn't...so you can respect your own power and your limits, and your H as the equal human being he already is.

You do not need to work with him to get anything sorted out within yourself. That's yours...and your job as his partner, which you signed up for, is to share what you find out about yourself with him...to report...not to have him work on your stuff and you on his stuff...when you're clear on where you end and he begins, then you'll see better what is solely his...not with blame, with reality.

You matter. You're half of the marriage. Equal power and responsiblity. That's your limit, too. You can only be half of every relationship on this earth...and you own all of your half.

If you choose to act from your boundary of respect, then how you deal with what your H says is to listen and repeat. To really listen and repeat back what you heard, using "I" statements...that's ownership...it replaces blame and will change your relationship through communication greatly, if you so choose to do it.

When you repeat back what you heard, you are asking for confirmation (you heard correctly) or clarification (we all have filters we hear/perceive through). Gives opportunity to really hear his stuff as his own...not yours. His truth, not the truth.

What is his truth? His thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives...that's his. Yours are yours. 90% of marital problems are not to be solved; they are to be understood. Hearing the difference changes the union greatly...takes you out of the overwhelming disconnect because the real issues between you become 10%. That was a huge relief for me. Hope it is for you.

There is added stress having other people (not our own kids, though come to think of it), especially relatives, live within the marital home. Healthy decision to put your marriage first, FOO (family of origin) second. This priority arrangement is a marital boundary...and is great for you both to hold yourselves to...out of respect for The Marriage...even when you don't feel like respecting each other.

Read this website...and Harley's books...I believe you'll find that neither of you are bad or wrong, or crazy. Both of you are human...and with these great tools, like knowing each other's ENs, priorities, Love Busters (LBs), and the Four Rules of Marriage...you'll see where a lot of your conflict is coming in and the tole it's taking.

And how you can change your own focus (putting it on yourself, your half), and change your life.

Btw, listen and repeat with choice is a great way to NOT take blame....Blame, like offense, must be taken...can't be put onto another person..."I hear your perspective is that it is my fault you chose to pull my hair, is that correct?"

Calm, stated, concerned voice, if you want to really connect with reality and your H. Snotty, accusatory intonation will tell you that you don't want to connect--you want revenge, punish.

Reasonable to want to...you didn't enforce your own boundaries...and if you earn your H's love, you earn his punishment...and he earns your love and punishment. We lived that way in our marriage for 15 years. Save yourself some time.

You love by choice...you've chosen your H, and your belief you love him...whether you have resulting loving feelings or not. Get to know that you own your choice, even when you don't feel like it...and he can't earn your love...nor you his...we meet each other's ENs through our choice to make love a verb...we act from it. Remove yourself from the cycle of deserving/earning love and punishment. It's a huge relief and falls in line with acting from respect/love because it's YOUR choice, not him making you/making him.

You can see these loops...you're smart, dedicated and concerned about your marriage. Learn how relationships really work...and you'll have a thriving marriage. Focus on your half, your part. You matter.

LA

Thanks so much for your extremely wise and valuable tips. I will definitely start working on my part, this website has provided me some very useful tips.
after the last time he hit me, I did call the cops and since then he has very careful to not raise his hands on me.
I have just one last question. I was in serious doubt that a new found friend of his is advicing him on our marriage conflicts, and I was right, I have observed carefully and my husband tends to speak this guy friend of his almost an hour everyday. Even on the day when I'd rung the cops, and they asked him to leave the house (this was at 5am) he rang his friend from his mobile.
So this sudden change in my H's behaviour is being backed up by silly advises by his friend. We've bn married 4 yrs now and my husband was never abusive to me before, he now often says 'I have done nothing wrong, this is a common trick women use to emotionally blackmail, play the victim and then get their way, and this time I am not going to give in' ever since I heard this statement from him the first time I was sure this was coming from someone else and not him. Knowing the history behind his friend, he is a very abusive person himself who is currently cheating on his partner and about to secretly marry someone else.

So cutting to the point, how should I get his friend out of our marriage, I feel as though I am now having to deal with 2 men instead of one!!
BTW this is the last Qs from me .... sorry!!

It sounds like you are right about the friend. I knew someone who went to a church 'counselor' who turned this sweet girl into a little monster who suddenly believed everyone had been stepping all over her, she deserved more, it didn't matter who she walked on - a night and day change. She threw away her husband, quit her job, never saw her again. It's like a little devil whispering in their ear.

What to do? That's tough. The best thing I can think is to be flat out honest with him. "Oh, that's what XYZ said, isn't it? I've heard him talk like that before to you, it sounds like something he'd say. So what do you think about him cheating on ABC? Do you think that's right? Does that mean it would be ok for me to do that to you? Because that's what he's saying, isn't it? Or is it only right when the man does it? Really, I'm curious; please explain what he means." In other words, just call him on it; that's how I get things from my daughter by just saying, "mothers know everything." If he believes you know everything about what this 'friend' says and does, he'll lose less mysterious control over your husband.

Gina,

Solely your choice to ask whatever questions you want and however many you have. No limits...are you afraid of appearing (an image) needy, stupid, something else?

You've identified your H has his door of influence for his buddy wide open. Good call. Great awareness. You cannot get this person out of your marriage...you have no control over how much influence or how little your H allows from others into his life...only you do.

What you can do is learn there are friends of your marriage...which means they put your marriage ahead of being your friend or your H's friend. I had no clue I could choose this boundary or perspective. I'm passing it on.

And you also relayed to us by your honest post something important...your H perceives you making yourself a victim...okay...find all the ways you may actually do this...for instance, your title of this thread...wanting validation for your own hurt...it's valid. You hurt. No victim in it...your pain, fear, anger, frustration are real. And they are yours...coming to you, from you, about you.

Own them. Eradicate blame from your marriage. Remove the bad guy/good guy dynamic...live in ownership. "I know my feelings are mine. I'm choosing to share them with you as my partner, my equal. I do not look to you to change, lessen, stop or make them in me. I hear you fear women making themselves victims as emotional blackmail. I dont' believe love can be blackmailed. I know when you act from love, it's your choice. Same for me."

New stuff...share it with the intent to share YOUR stuff...to know and share who you are...not to get him to do or not do anything.

Same for owning influence. "I realized I have control over how much others influence me. I've left my door wide to some people who were harmful to our marriage, who took up for me, even when I was attacking you and our marriage. I'm closing the door on their influence right now. I want friends of my marriage more than enabling people who may be harming our marriage."

Respect him more, Gina. He chose to believe what his friend says, take on his perspective, and to perceive as his buddy does. That's his choice...nothing against his will, 'k? Same for you. When you choose what you want from our advice, it's because it resonates within you...meaning, already there...and what you choose to act from is yours...start to finish. Sometimes, we will resonate to something we crave...like your H may be craving absolution in the face of shame...and that speech resonated in him...doesn't make it right or wrong...makes him craving what he's least giving.

Mind your own cravings. You want self-respect and confidence in your choices? Act from respect. Listen and repeat back what you hear, calmly, with interest...and hand back his stuff about his stuff.

You will not be safer or more secure if he thinks, feels, believes, perceives or views life the same way you do. There's no growth, no widening of your experience that way. Discern his truth from the truth (actions). His beliefs are his...and they are only right now...we choose even our beliefs...and we try them on, discard them, and even wear really old ones without knowing we put them on a long time ago. Get to know your own.

You believe his beliefs will keep you safe. Why? Does he act from his beliefs? I see him reacting to his feelings...not choosing his beliefs. So you're not safe...none of us really are. We gain real safety when we know in advance what we will do or not do...and our choices align to our intent.

Did you expose to buddy's partner and to the AP?

Choose not to DJ by believing his buddy's influence makes it two people in your marriage...that's buying into that buddy's influence yourself...giving him power he does not have.

Focus on any friends of yours who are not friends of your marriage. Do your own inventory and share...know how wide or narrow your door of influence is to others...identify and share your choices...because you control who influences YOU.

Over four years of being married, you may have nailed down the image you had of your H...defined, categorized and put away parts of him; feels safer that way. Known and therefore known territory. We are new every day, Gina. We can choose differently than before every single day...or choose the same, or a mix.

See and treat your H as new today...because you know he's capable of far more than you chose to believe before...as we all are capable. Even you. Begin to see in yourself your own payoffs for why you'd buy into fantasy...where you choose to believe he couldn't believe unless led...or do unless influenced...where you believe humans have that huge of control over others...because you may be craving that large of control over him...to keep you safe.

When you fear, state them...they are yours, too. "I fear buddy's influence in our marriage. I fear you cheating. I fear you getting your ENs met by him and cutting me meeting them. I know I cannot control you in anyway, and I fear that reality. I respect you more than my fear, though."

Have you identified his top ENs and ways he likes you to meet them? How about yours? Do you regularly do for yourself what you want him to do?

I don't agree with calling others on their stuff...it's theirs. I do agree that we call them on their actions...which is where The Truth is between human truths. "You are choosing to raise your voice. I don't do yelling anymore. I will not raise mine, either."

That's the first boundary enforcement I have...to name where it's being crossed. Listen and repeat for "I hear you believe you have done nothing wrong and you perceive that I'm playing victim right now, is that correct?"

Explore to know...not to take as fact. Don't make it fact by calling him on his own opinion...that's the dangerous part of verbal abuse...and his statement is nowhere abusive. If it was yelled, accompanied by threatening hands, stuff being thrown around or kicked, yes. The words alone are his perspective right now...not abusive.

Have you read Maz's thread "Verbal Abuse" over on Other Topics yet?

I believe you're dealing more with passive/aggressive behaviors here than with verbal abuse. They mix a lot, though. What really got me clear on verbal abuse was finding all the ways I verbally abused...researched the info, and began with Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." When I could find them in me, my behaviors and change, I could more readily identify them in my DH. As I shared my identifications, my desire to not do (wasn't really me), the more he shared. And no, he didn't read the book. I read parts to him...like a teammate...shared my excitement...and yes, I had more of a thrill of discover than of remorse at first...the shame comes over time...and my amends and apologies continue to this day.

For instance, last night...we caught part of a movie we'd seen together before...darn...what was it...female lead did a big AO and DJ...and I turned to DH and said, "I think I apologized to you before for acting like that to you...I'm doing so again. I really see myself in that character. Hit me again." He smiled and took my hand and said, "I remember. Thank you."

That's three years after...and he has changed his VB behaviors and P/A behaviors as well. He will catch himself and say, "I'm sorry. I was mocking you and you may be hurting. I was angry with myself for a moment and I went to my old stuff. I won't do it again."

Like gold from his lips, Gina. This is real...recovery is awesome, life changing. I don't believe either of us would stay changed, stay aware, without the other...took me going first...for me, not for him. For my marriage. For who I really am...and he followed...for we have each hurt each other, so there are amends...some are daily, some are based on events...all are required and only I control my own.

My responsibility...not blame.

I had to find where I "set up" my DH to react as predicted...for I loved being right more than being a great partner. Now I love nothing more than being a great partner...and the result? I have one, too.

You can do this...your focus on you...your stuff...it parallels a lot of his stuff, I believe, because in marriage, we become enmeshed...and the way into that enmeshment is also the way out. Step by step. We don't fall into enmeshment when we fall in love...and we don't have to fall out of love to break enmeshment.

Takes injecting respect and holding YOURSELF to healthy boundaries. You can do this. You can have a thriving marriage.

LA

Thanks you guys, your replies have really helped me reflect ony my own actions. And you are so right about the fact you need to behave in the way you would expect the other to treat u i.e I keep calm theres no way my H could start yelling, he'd be bored as he'd not have someone to fight with anymore.
I am doing much more reading now, am trying my best to stop the blame culture we both are equally responsible for.
It is getting better, we are trying to keep distance from each other for the moment for I think we need it to get over what happened. Meanwhile I have one more obstacle I need to deal with, my H's BUDDY!!! i know its only me who can ALLOW him to be an obstacle or an influence but each day my husband comes home, he has learnt a new trick.
Eg, he would no longer help me with the house work although he knows I am 29 weeks pregnant, he is waiting for me to just burst out at him and then he'd have the chance to say 'You see when your sister didnt help around the house work you didnt mind'
It did bother me, but I kept my calm and later thought to myself how childish or selfish can my H at the moment, he has failed to see beyond himself, he ahs failed to see that causing me emotional torture at this stage would infact cause harm to his baby.
But I refuse to let my temper ruin my life anymore so I have decided to keep myself occupied at work, to talk to him less often but always in a calm and polite way, to ignore each time he tries to provoke me. He will eventually get bored of his tricks and perhaps realise we are a family, our baby needs harmony and love from BOTH of us.
I hope I am taking the right step and I soooo hope he comes back to my old caring loving husband cos I really need him to be with me at this stage of my preg (sob)

Gina,

I love your "blame culture" phrase...captures the broader influences relating to why it's in our marriages and our lives.

Do you know the antidote for anger? Understanding. Anger is a secondary emotion...comes on fast, seemingly instanteously, on the heels of a primary emotion...to understand an emotion, identify and trace it to the belief it's coming from.

I hear your choice to see your H as selfish generates fear and/or pain...can then trigger resentment, anger, frustration. From your choice, not him.

It's not uncommon for spouses to not help equally in DS (domestic support)...various reasons. One of the great things I learned after coming here was to really see where my DH met my ENs after I identified what they were...and where he didn't. And if in meeting one, it could then meet the other, if I changed my POV.

If your H meets your EN for FS...then that can be extended to DS...meaning, if he provides the money to pay for DS through a twice-a-month cleaning person, or a teen in the neighborhood...lots of creative ways to get the help you need (his half)...then that counts...IF you count it.

Do you each earn equally? Do you earn more?

I'm unclear if your H actually said you let your sister do nothing and demand it of him...or if he didn't. I couldn't tell if you were preparing (conjuring) to hear his stuff when he said this (predictively) or if he said it himself already.

If you see his stuff as tricks...then you will continue to experience being enemies in your marriage. Your choice. If you see his statements about him, his perspective and perception, listen and repeat to confirm or clarify you understood him correctly...then you will become teammates in your marriage again.

You see your choice. Your power. You are powerful. Only YOU determine your life experience.

If you choose to stay calm instead of yelling, and you choose to do that to get your H to not yell, AO, something...then you will continue to build resentment through self-betrayal. If you choose to speak calmly and respectfully of your own stuff because that's who you really are...a real expression of your pure intent to not verbally abuse others...then you will not create resentment within yourself or justify your resulting feelings.

Pregnant is a tough time for clarity...I believe it's because of an imbalance...seeing how we have our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual selves all within each other...the physical amps up, exerts more influence...which results in more intense emotional, mental and spiritual signals. Puts all of you under duress...which is reasonable, given you're in the active, constant process of creation.

Taxing...hard to "be" when you're doing, whether you're asleep or awake...another being inside you.

My hat is off to you right now for your commitment to keep your family together. Eliminating your DJs...removing your focus from him as instigator, cause/control/cure for your stuff would give you a rush of relief and peace, I believe. Great for you...great for baby.

I believe DJs are part of the blame culture you identified...inside us, they can be blatant or sneaky, or any shade in between. I'm asking you to identify yours...see them in your post above...not for you to feel bad or wrong and self-punish...to identify for awareness only...then trace for understanding...find the false payoff, and I believe, cut in half the pain, fear (hence anger) you are experiencing.

You can't do any of that when your awareness is set on your H. Have to shift it to you, to trace and know...and only can remove your permission to DJ...and experience very different feelings each time you catch yours, change them, saying in your thoughts, "That's not who I am...that's not what I want."

Retraining your brain to choose a different perspective...will give you a different life experience right now...the more you choose to practice this...the more your resulting feelings will change.

In your corner,

LA

Things are still a bit rough. We are in the withdrawal state of mind though I see that we are both trying to make efforts to meet each other's ENs, but its difficult for me to get him ou of his blame culture mind of frame, he tries to keep putting blame on me for his constant bursts of anger but I try to repeat his statements and i try to explain tht we need to come out of blame and hate and revenge.
I think my sister has become like a target of our war, where he feels tht if he gives me the choice of letting her come over on a weekend when he is not at work then this means he has lost the battle (ego or wtever u may call it) likewise deep down i feel hurt that why am I being taken away the right/freedom to be able to call a family member as and when I please to my own home for which I pay the rent. I expect at this stage he'd try to meet my EN but I dont see tht happening.
My sister has her Xmas break comin up and I am due delivery in Jan, I sooo want her to spend the 20 day xmas break in my house wn I will be in my final stages of pregnancy, but I dread to discuss my wish with my husband cos I dont want to hear him say 'NO she cant stay with us for tht long' it wud hurt me if he didnt meet my EN.
I am trying to meet his EN now by not letting my sister come over any weekends at all (its been 5 weeks now she hasnt come)
I dont know how to make him meet my EN, he is still in the frame of mind of blaming and taking revenge and reminding me about things where he feels he had been so generous to me and that now its pay back time

Loving,

Can you say more about this?
Did this come from LB or HNHN?

Thanks

I'd like to reiterate this, from LA:
I get that you're afraid of asking H about sister, I'm in the same boat. BUT, the way out of that is to shift your focus onto yourself and not own his feelings and reactions. He will do whatever he does; that does not define you. You are still in charge of your decisions and your half of the decision-making in your house. If having your sister care for you in your final days of pregnancy is a big need, any comment he has against it can be help up against scrutiny, and found wanting. In what world would a husband not want his pregnant wife feeling safe and peaceful? Maybe in an abusive one. But you don't have to live in that world.

You have to OWN the right to ask your sister over; you have to feel you have just as much - no, more - right to have her there, than he has to deny her. And if he tries to say otherwise, you, in your position of power, can merely look at him, dumbstruck, and say "Really? You're telling me that you think having my sister here to help me and help the pregnancy is a wrong thing? How do you justify that, other than it is a selfish wish of yours? Really?"

Just tell him that she will be staying to help you with your pregnancy. Any answer out of his mouth other than OK makes him look like a jerk. And he knows it, or he will, after you tell him so. Maybe not MB-friendly terminology, but it might work.

I mean, he's going to be negative anyway, whether you give up everything to please him or not, so you might as well have your sister there when you and she need it.

Gina,

I forgot to say thank you for letting us know that you did call the authorties when he last physically abused you.

"but its difficult for me to get him ou of his blame culture mind of frame, he tries to keep putting blame on me for his constant bursts of anger but I try to repeat his statements and i try to explain tht we need to come out of blame and hate and revenge."

Are you hearing me about what you can control and what you cannot? You cannot get him out of his blame culture mind...that's not in your power. It's disrespectful and abusive for you to act to change his thoughts, beliefs, perceptions or perspectives. He isn't powerful enough to put blame on you...blame, like offense, has to be taken.

Stop accepting blame...and begin accepting what he says as his stuff...listen and repeat. When you choose to live respectfully, you'll act from respect...and then you'll experience respect. You can do this. Hear his stuff as his own...shared with you. Don't try to change, get him, make him think differently. As you share your own change of mind, as you act from respect and love because you choose to respect and love him...then your marital dance changes.

Trying to change him keeps the same steps, doesn't it?

I saw in your first post where you wanted to get him to feel differently, think differently, perceive your sister differently...to pretty much feel, think, believe and view her as you do. Understandable? Yes. Enmeshment appears to make two of us into one person. Respectful? Not even close. In reality, we are two whole people in one union.

Are you repeating his statements for yourself? So you can confirm you heard him correctly or to receive clarification if you didn't? When he raises his voice, what's your first boundary enforcement? If he continues, what is your second?

Same for DJs and SDs...are you really hearing his stuff...or are you refuting, discounting, trying to change his stuff?

Your DJ about why he is so opposed to your sister visiting on a weekend he's home isn't real. It's an assumption, a guess, and it gives you feelings as a result...in you, from you. Check your top priority...is it your marriage? Your family of origin (FOO)? Would you knowingly act against your marriage? Would you attack it and call it good because your sister is more important than your partner?

As and when you please...do you know there are three parts to your marriage? There is your half of it, his half of it, and The Marriage itself. When you "as and when you please" then you are actively attacking your marriage...Independent Behavior through entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Same range as verbal abuse, SD's, DJs and AO's and lying.

You can honor your marriage (not attack it) even when you don't feel like honoring your partner. You can make your choices to your code for guarding marital boundaries, setting it as your number one priority, and reap the great feelings from it, even if you aren't having them for your spouse right now.

Up to you. You are not more controlled than he is...has your sister owned and amended her stuff from a couple of years ago? Has she chosen to be a friend of your marriage, or just your sister? Do you guys talk and email? Mending your relationship with her is important...don't do her work for her. She's half of your relationship...you're the other half. Both of you will grow and change. There's healing required after grievance...we literally need to grieve our injuries, our failed disappointments...takes O&H, time and reparation.

You can choose to not make your sister the target of your half of the war...you can stop making war on your ally, your partner, your best friend...your H. Up to you, your half. After severe and long-lasting conflict, we FEEL like we are enemies...up to us to KNOW we are not.

Entitlement kills relationships...if you want what you want, in the way you want it, when you want it...then you aren't partnering...you are putting others ahead of your marriage...yourself ahead of it...instead of both you and your H together as the marriage is number one.

It's not forever...just right now. Has your sister done amends to your H?

Have you?

Do you have your folks, other friends to help you through the end of your pregnancy?

Justifying is a signal you know you're attacking your marriage...listen to it. Your H can help you through this final month...your friends, the network you've made of support...CP may feel differently...I've the odd experience of being alone or with strangers for two of my three sons pregnancy and deliveries.

I share that because I may have a bias here. My kids are grown now...and I'm not walking in your shoes...my son and his wife are, though. That's what I'm imagining for you.

Sounds like you see your H as fostering and acting from resentment...the payback time...and I hear you full of entitlement, too...can you step back and say, "I cherish my marriage above all else"?

Can you see her outside your home? Where you meet up somewhere?

LA

CM,

I'm sorry I didn't see your question earlier. I hope you're still reading.

I read that statement in a Howard Markman, et al, book, "Fighting for your marriage." He's the co-founder of the Marital Study Center here in Denver. He's been at this as long as Harley...and they very much agree on a lot. He works with Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg (and they books together, too).

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This quote really changed my perception and perspective of my marriage. In partnership, our focus is knowing and being known...like the prime directive of human beings. We share experiences...and even the same one can be perceived and viewed in two very different ways...leaving out the right and wrong...in partnering, we strive first to understand, then be understood. Judgment just kills understanding, doesn't it?

So a lot of issues is your partner saying you shouldn't feel/think/believe/see something this way or that...which is holy territory, isn't it? My stuff is mine...and yes, I allow his influence...and he allows mine...until we don't.

However, my partner says he has a problem with my actions...my choice to do or not do something...then that's different, isn't it? Even if he says he fears me reacting to my feelings instead of acting from my beliefs.

My stuff can be harmful to our marriage because it's mine, in my half of the marriage. My actions can directly attack the marriage, my choices...to cross boundaries, do anyway, while I know he will feel great fear, loss, rejection and punishment. My choice.

That's what I see in Gina's...and what I lived for over a decade in my own. I relate to her frame of mind because I've been there...craving boundaries and drawing them around others, not myself...focusing on lack, not abundance...and reacting to my feelings, not acting to my code and trusting the feelings will result.

I was bent on fixing my DH...and he wasn't broken. Humans are not...they sure can feel like they are. I saw a lot in my marriage as a problem to be solved...outside myself. Instead of understood.

LA

What could you do to make your husband feel loved?

Could you tell your sister: "look, you were a real XYZ to my husband, and I love him whether you do or not. I understand that this goes way back, but he was justifiably hurt when you did XYZ and said XYZ. Frankly, it amazes me that he hasn't gone even more ballistic. I don't think I can have you around the house until you make peace with my husband. Also, I think it's up to you to apologize to him first, no matter what you may think. I think that...OK?"

It's like a war of "adjusting" the other, and LovingAnyway had a good point that these problems aren't to be resolved, they are to be understood...at least at first.

Thinking you want to "get that friend out of your H's life" is a part of the negative cycle and it does not contribute to the cycle of understanding him.

Seriously, what would make your husband feel loved?

Sincerely,
D--

You could remove the negative influences, even if they're family, and focus on your marriage.