Well me and my wife are having trust problems and mainly my fault, and she has finally hit the fan and we have been apart for almost 2 months now. She has a friend that she cant stay away and is with every single day after work and every weekend.

I feel she is running from me with her friend. She avoids the problem by running off with her and not dealing with it. We both have been talking to a counsler sepret but now she seems to almost be avoiding talking to him cause she runs off with her friend in the afternoon, i cant say anything to her about her friend cause she will get very defensive and say "shes been here for me" and go off on me.

We are still at the same spot it seems for 2 months, she still doesnt know if she can get over it and trust me in the future. Ive started going to church on my own (she wont go cuz she stays out late with her friend) and ive gotten with counslers and turned my life around.

Its been 2 months now and we're at the same spot and she wont atleast go out to eat with me and talk about it face to face and come to something. I dont know what to do, she wont call me or see me most of the time. She says she still loves me and thinks about us being together maybe sometimes, but shes just confused.

The other day I went out with some friends and I didnt call her and she got worried about me and asked 100 questions about where I was ect. So she must still care?

I dont know what to do at this point, im staying away from her and not bothering her. She just seems to run off further with her friends when I do not contact her, shes started smoking, and im sure drinking. Im lost right now cause im doing everything possible to get this to work out and shes acting immature and running.


Please help me? Is she making me suffer or what?

Why can't she trust you?

I had another thread but didnt get much response on it cause I think it was a little too long.

Short background...We've been together for 4 years. Since highschool (sophomore year)

Weve been fine and I cheated on her a few times, which I am very ashamed about and wish I could take it all back now. We both thought we got over all of that and finally got married a year later in May of this year.

Well we didnt express our problems and we got into a huge argument when she came home from the beach. She came home and accused me of having a girl over (which I had not).

And I got mad and we got in a big fight and I left for a week. During that week I felt I didnt wanna be with her anymore cause of her always blowing up and throwing it in my face. During that week I hung out with a friend that was a girl and I told her about it and she blew up and left.

And during these past 2 months ive realized how stubborn ive been and we should have handled problems a long time ago esp. before we got married. Ive gotten into church and all now and am doing everything in my power to get her back but she just wont budge. Ive backed away from here and basically havent talked to her, i havent ignored her though, shes more ignored me.

I realized how differently I should have handled things now and Im willing to do anything possible to get her back now.

A minute ago she messaged me asking where I was last night and what I done all day. Its like she wants to control me and know exactly everything im doing at nights, when she wont tell me anything and beats around the bush to tell me anything.

I wanna sit down and be mature about this and handle it like an adult.I am man enough to stand up for everything ive done and to do everything possible to make it right. She just isnt giving me a chance. Ive been here for 2 months and we havent really gotten anywhere. I think her friend might be pulling her away from me. I know she still loves me and cares about me.

Im so lost and dont know what to do to get her to atleast go to eat and speak with me. When we talk all she does is yell and tell me everything ive done in the PAST which she shouldnt throw up in my face cause we are married now and I havent done anything since we've been married but hang out with that girl for a day which i wrong I know but I didnt do anything with her.

Ah I see. Gotcha.

Obviously the PAST is only in the past for you, not her. I sure hope you don't argue with her about that but are instead humble and contrite.

You need to earn trust - it isn't your right.

Did you respond?

It's also possible that she might be thinking about you and missing you. Her asking about you might be her way of showing you this without actually telling you so. My suggestion would be to respond as positively as you can when she contacts you, and at the same time let her know that you miss being with her. Avoid any major relationship talk though, at least until you're sure that both of you really want to do it.

Yes, i do answer her. I didnt earlier cuz the other day I made her worry for a while and made her feel like I have for two months worrying everynight where she is. But I finally told her what I did and all. Then all of a sudden she blew up about the past out of nowhere...What it comes down to is, Shes wants me to answer the question...Why i did it? I wish I had an answer to tell her to why I did the stuff i did? But i dont.

But when she does go off on me, i sit and listen to it and agree that i did wrong and all. But this isnt like her, shes never ran off from her family and never smoked and done this stuff, and esp. ignore me. She couldnt go hours without talking to me before this happened. Ive told her how ive felt and she knows but she wants to know why ive done what ive done and I dont have an answer for that?


Im 100% commited to do whatever I can do get her back, the times before I didnt have a chance to miss her and realize what I need to change and do to make us better. I do now and ive told her everything I can do and im willing to do it. But she hasnt budged. She runs off with her friend every single day and I cant make plans with her cuz shes always with her.

And we both moved out and both are staying with our parents at the time being.

She stays at her friends house from time to time also

Any input would help greatly, im so lost and confused at this point.

Hi Zach, I'm a lot older than you and practically everyone else here, so my age may color my comments; take them with a grain of salt.

You and your wife are immature. That word is not an insult. It defines your ages. When a 20 or 21 year old couple marries in these times, they are less prepared for marriage than a couple who married at the same age 50 or 60 years ago.

The pain you feel doesn't seem like it will ever end. It is the worst thing you have ever endured. You don't know how you'll get through it alive. But, you will.

Up to now, your behaviors have been those of people who did not comprehend what marriage and commitment meant. Again, this is not mean to insult you. It reflects on your calendar ages. You cheated; she ran away, she's trying on smoking, maybe trying on drinking, maybe enjoying attention from men who tell her she is beautiful. You confided your problems to a female friend.

I remember the passion (well, I almost remember it! I think I can remember remembering passion!) Feelings so strong they blow you from one end of ****** to the other, and you just can't get a grip on anything.

When you are so young, you think with your feelings and not with your head - your common sense. Your behaviors are normal for your ages. But they don't work within the context of marriage.

So, now I hope you will slow yourself down and realize that you may not get what you want so very much.

When I learned my husband was having an emotional affair, I did not act cooly or with my common sense. I reacted, and I was pretty doggone old already. It's not surprising that you are feeling so desperate wanting to make things work, make them whole again. Boy, that is so normal.

I just hope you can slow down, and read and re-read the wonderful information here on MB. Plan A is important. Just work on reading that for now.

The Love Bank section is also wonderful.

And, really important: You will be all right if things do not work out the way you want them to. It will feel like the end of the world, and your heart will hurt so bad you will think it broke. Use this time to learn about how to be a great husband.

Okay, big fellah?

I suggest you figure out why you cheated. I don't blame your wife for wanting that answer. And then AFTER you were married you had an argument and hung out with ANOTHER female.

Why SHOULD your wife trust you?

Belleuve- Thank you, i agree we both are immature and not ready, but shes running and being even more immature. everything is i dont know that she sayd.

Believer- I never said she should or would trust me, thats something we will have to build up and its going to take a long time so. Im on here for help and to get my marriage straight and better myself.

Bump..Anyone? Im trying so hard



She agreed to go out to eat with me tomorrow night. How should I handle this?

Hi, sorry nobody got back to you yet.

Zach, when you go out to eat, don't have any Our Relationship talks. No "Where are we going?" talks.

Just have a nice time. This is where you get to make deposits into her Love Bank. (Read up on the Love Bank theory here on MB.) Don't be needy, instead of saying "I miss you so much!" say "It's really great to see you!" and smile.

She has been pulling back, and thinking about moving on. If you cling, if you act desperate or needy, you will push her away. Have a couple of neutral topics to bring up if conversation flags - news in your town, comments about things you both enjoy - or just ask about her family.

She may tell you news you don't want to hear, like "I'm filing for D" which could really hurt. If she does, it is okay to say "Honey, that really hurts me to hear. I love you and I want you to be happy. I hope you think about it."

Repeat, if something like that comes up, no desperation, no clinging.

Keep reading on the Forums. Whether or not you restore your relationship with your wife, there is so very much of value here. Oh, and don't tell her about the Boards.

Good luck, I have to leave & do some work now.

(((((((((Zachb01))))))))

P.S. When you say goodbye, don't press her for another meeting or another date. Wait awhile, maybe a week or so, and then you could contact her and ask if she'd like to have lunch with you. Take your time. Be kind, interested, and be yourself. The nice self; not the bad self.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, we've both being going to our preacher every week who is our counsler. He told me as of now I seem to be doing everything right. Ive gotten into church now and I havent pushed her and Ive let her come to me. I didnt talk to her for a few days, and now she came to me today with a phone call wondering what I was up to ect. She was sick today, she sounded bad so we didnt get to go out, she went home after work.

I was uptown at the time she was getting off, I caught her in the parking lot, and this is the first time ive saw her in a week! I gave her a hug and a kiss, and she looked at me and gave me a, I love you smile. And she said shes gonna go home and take some medicine.

I dont think filing for Divorce right now is what shes planning on. Right now shes in Limbo about what to do, its going to take some time. She loves me to death she says and she always will, but she says she doesnt know if she can get over the hurt. I did wrong at first and chased her for about a month and begged her to death and now ive backed off, shes been the one making the phone calls to me and asking what I did that night ect.

Im hoping and praying for the best, getting into church and being involved with it has helped me so much.

Thanks for the help, please continue to help me out with this!

Have you apologized to her - over and over?

Yes I did all the wrong things for the first month or so by chasing her and begging and crying to get her back. Now that ive backed off the past week she has seemed more caring.


Shes been sick yesterday, I caught her walking out to her car yesterday after work, and I got out and we hugged and gave eachother a kiss. And she looked at me a smiled like she loved me and was happy to see me. I asked if she was still planning on coming over since she was sick and didnt wanna go out to eat. She said "Maybe, ill call you when I get home"

One big problem has been this girl named (Amy). This girl has been hanging out with my wife since we broke up, and the only friends they have is eachother. This girl is with her 24/7 will not leave eachother alone. She runs to this girl amy to be away from the problem it seems.

Well last night I hadnt heard nothing from my wife and I asked her mom what she was doing, and sure enough that damn girl amy was over there.

This girl amy had 2 other friends before my wife, who both have boyfriends now and they dont speak much, so Im afraid that amy girl is scared my wife will run away and forget about her if she comes back to me. The amy girl says she wants the best for me and my wife.

I dont know what to really do, I havent heard anything from my wife today.

Bump.. Anyone??

havent heard anything from her, not having a good day, I think she actually got me sick from tuesday when I gave her a hug/kiss.

Sitting here tonight at home wondering where she is....Im having a bad night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Zach, if I may be so bold, at the risk of possibly offending you(that is not my intent), you DO know why you did what you did.

You may not be willing to recognize it yet, let alone admit it to yourself or your wife, but you do know.

And she wants to know the "why" because if she is to consider a LIFETIME with you, you both need to know the "why" and take steps to ELIMINATE that cause from your relationship.

Here's guess...try it on and see if it fits...

Selfishness.

You did what you did because you wanted to and felt entitled to do it regardless of anyone else's feelings. Your "feelings" came first.

That may be somewhat "okay" for a single person, but it's NOT okay for a married person. You have to put HER feelings ahead of your own. In marriage, especially in a Christian marriage, we are SERVANTS of each other. That means we don't do things that would be against, in disobedience of, or hurt our spouse just so we can do whatever it is that we feel like doing.

Introspection is not easy. Admitting to our own sins and taking responsibility for them is not easy. Changing who we "were," or even "are" if it's current, is not easy. We do it anyway because we love God and we love our spouse, but learning to be a servant first doesn't just "happen," it takes will, commitment, and trying to stay in that "mindset." The best example is Christ Himself. We "model" Him and conform our lives to His model out of love for God. Christ did not "want" to go to the cross and die and endure separation from the Father for us, He did it because of love for us in humble obedience to the Father, wherein He willingly submitted His will to the Father's will, for the greater good of all. Christ was a Servant first.

Marriage is not about being "easy." Marriage is a covenant relationship...and the vows speak to this fact. It is NOT all "wine and roses." There will be difficulties, but the idea is that we face difficulties together.

There are many "helps" out there for building the sort of marriage that you might want. If you'd care for some potential resources they can be provided to you. But here's the "first and best" resource, in my opinion. The Bible. What does IT say about servanthood and about the roles of husbands and wives?

It may be a "trying time" right now for you, but it does not have to be "fatal." But it will be fatal if there isn't any real change to create the sort of people and marriage that God wants as His servants.

God bless.