Zach - You must just keep on keeping on. Your words won't change her mind, but your consistent actions should. Stay in Plan A with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

Omg...I just got off the phone with her...I have never heard someone say such mean things to me :-/


She doesnt believe I didnt do anything with that girl that night and is doing everything to try and prove me wrong, Idk what else to do. Im so hurt and she doesnt realize it.

She just said some of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. I need some advice so bad right now. I really feel this isnt going to work out.


She started tripping out on me, and I told her...."Im sorry and I know you dont believe me but there is nothing else I can tell you, but if your going to talk to me your going to have to talk respectful"...Then she went freaking Ballistic on me yelling cussing ect. I told her "Goodnight" and hung up

Okay, Zach. I'm gonna hafta 2X4 you a little bit. If you're unfamiliar with that term, it means I'm gonna give you a little smack on the wrist.



You're pushing. And do you know how that will come across to her? It will come across as a lovebuster - a Selfish Demand. Withdrawing love units would not be a conducive to restoring your marriage.

Believer is right. Your word means crap to your W right now. You have been dishonest with your W in the past and the consequence for that is that she no longer believes your words. That's not her fault. It's yours. So own it and accept that that is the way things are right now as a result of your actions. If you want that to be different...earn it and wait patiently. You didn't destroy her trust in mere minutes and you won't earn it back in mere minutes either.

No, I do not think you should tell her that you want to be with her, etc...She already KNOWS this and for you to tell her repeatedly is pushing.

So I'm gonna tell you this again...





If it isn't going to work out, then it isn't. You are doing things to change course and the rest is beyond your control.



Here is another 2X4. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM HERE!!!

That doesn't mean you have to accept verbal abuse from her. You did the right thing where that is concerned - perfect, in fact.

Stay the course, Zach.

K thanks frozen, I needed to hear that. I guess im going to continue hoping and praying and do whatever I can to better me in the meantime.

Everything else is beyond my control. I think this week we both are susposed to meet with our counsler for the first time. Ill speak with him around lunch time.

Right now she doesnt really wanna talk much to me or anything, she was doing good the last couple of days but has went back downhill. Nothing I can do about it. I love her to death and ill be here if she needs me.

Exactly.

Keep your focus on the things that you CAN control (you).



Yep. Her emotions are going to be on a rollercoaster for a very long time.

Try to remember that her emotions are a representative of what she is feeling AT THAT MOMENT. It isn't necessarily an indication of the way things are going to be forever.

When she is hurting like that, you can help her through it (if she will allow you to). You can even tell her that you know that she is hurting and that you would like the opportunity to comfort her and be there for her when she is hurting, but that you can't do that when she is attacking you.

If she does offer you the opportunity to be there for her when she is hurting - do not pressure her and do not take the focus off of her feelings and put them on yours. As I said before, you are not the victim here. I know you hurt too and I understand that you are afraid, but YOU DID THIS. Your feelings are a consequence of choices YOU made. She didn't have a choice.

Yeah right now she doesnt wanna really talk to me or anything, the problem is someone "said" something about me and that girl, which Im sure whatever was said isnt true. And of course she isnt going to believe me, I dont blame her for that.

So im kinda stuck in the middle cause whatever I say she wont believe. Like I said I dont blame her for that. Ive tried so hard to build us up some for the last 2 months, and someone "said something" and now that 2 months of progress has been shot right back down.

Well, can you make the commitment to be radically honest about any questions she asks you about the past?

Here's an idea...what about filling out the Personal History Questionnaire from this site? I'll warn you that it's pretty extensive, but it would be a step in the right direction towards showing her that you aren't going to hide things from her.

The Personal History Questionnaire

Morning Zach,

You spent two months working to restore your marriage. That is a blip on a radar screen. It never ends. Even when the couple reunites, marriagebuilding has to continue. There's the whole MB philosophy to work. Policy of Joint Agreement to be implemented. Being mindful of eliminating Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts. Of putting Radical Honesty into your lives.

Two months is a bump on the rollercoaster. Discouragement after two months is a test of your commitment. It's never over when it comes to building or rebuilding a marriage. There's no Happily Ever After.

Recovered couples still post here because there are always triggers post affair, there always tragedies falling on the living, there are always crises in life. All the good and bad things challenge us.

You will get discouraged. You may want to quit. And for a young person in a young marriage without children, that IS an option for you. Really, I don't see anything wrong with chosing to let your marriage go and to get on with your life. You are too young. [This isn't reverse psychology. Please know, Zach, that what I said early on about maturity still goes. You and your wife are awfully young to be married.]

If you keep working to restore your marriage, it never ends. Those who recovered from infidelity are still dealing with fallout years later. And even those who fully recovered have issues that hit their marriages, and they have to agree to things they would not have to do were they single.

(((((Zach)))))))))

Yeah I dont have any problem with that, this situation she really thinks I did something with this girl, which I didnt, and yes she does have a reason to point a finger and me and think I done it due to my past. I dont blame her for that, but its out of my control cause im telling her everything, but she still wont beleive me. She asks 10000's of in dept questions, and truthfully its been like 2 1/2 months and its very hard to remember exact days and all, so it makes me look a little bad.


I just hope these angry emotions pass. Im not going to give up fighting for my wife, I love her so much and wanna show her I can be that husband she wants me to be.

Thanks for that post Bellevue- I hope she doesnt give up, im going to fight for her as long as she will let me. I love her to death.

I did get my books in "Surviving and Affair". I gave her a copy and ive read the first three chapters, good book!

But the only bad part is, yes I had commitment problems in the past. But since we've been married I have not touched another woman. She took it when I gave her the book that I "Had an affair" which I didnt. I explained to her that I didnt and I think that book would help her and give her some more answers.

Zach,

How much do you suppose that had to with your pre-marital infidelity?

If you mean before my wife...Nothing cause shes really my first longterm relationship. We both were virgins when we met, ive always been the person to say "ill never cheat on a girl" before we met...and now im the person who has screwed our lives up!

No, I meant pre-marital infidelity during the relationship with your wife.

Right now im ill....I had car troubles and she wouldnt even agree to take me to work! And her away message on AOL is a smiley face. I just dont see how she can act like she doesnt care!

First, I'm sorry that you're sick.

Second, I hope that you didn't actually SAY that to her because that would be a DJ and would withdraw love units from your Love Bank account with her.

No I didnt say that to her, I told her id be here if she needed anything. She started asking 100 questions and started yelling at me of course. I cant have a conversation with her because she will start yelling and telling me how pathetic I am and how bad of a person I am, the whole time I keep my cool and agree what ive done is wrong and ill be here if she needs anything.

She also asks why I did it, I am still in the fog on this question, she asks me, "what was going through your head when you did it"? Thats tough for me to answer? She wants me to answer questions like that, and Im not sure how to cause im in the fog on all of those.

She will not tell me she loves me now at all...Everything she does is anger. I need some advice, im doing everything possible to get her back and trying sooo hard, and she shoots me down.

Also..When I do talk with her..What should I say? If she starts getting ill what should I do? Ive tried agreeing with her, that will just make her continue on. Ive tried telling her shes not being respectful and ill talk to her when she will not yell at me. But if I say that she will say something like..."dont tell me respectful, you havent ever respected me for 4 years ect.". I mean I dunno what to do with her at times.

Zach, you keep telling me that isn't your goal, but it keeps coming up.

When she asks you questions that you don't know the answer to, you can tell her that these are things that you are exploring about yourself so you can become a cognitive person who knows how to protect yourself and others from hurtful behaviors.

As far as what she says when you try to enforce your boundary of being unwilling to talk to her when she is being disrespectful...she doesn't have to like it and she DOES NOT have to agree with it. Enforce it anyway.

She will NOT respect you if you allow yourself to be a verbal punching bag. I can't imagine that you would respect yourself for allowing it, either.

Not at all....Now I will not take her yelling at me, and I think after last night she realizes that.


I usually meet up with my counsler on tuesdays....Im trying to figure out why exactly I did all of this and see if he can give me a direction. My wife wants to know just everything possible to know like..."what were u thinking when u were having sex with them?" ect....I mean how do I answer that??!!?


Ive now noticed I dont get so upset when she lashes out at me or puts me down and ignores me. I seem to stay a lot more calm and collective and realize shes just going out of anger and her emotions. Ill just sit back and better myself and take it day by day I guess. Nothing else I can do besides that.

Thank you so much for your help so far!

Zach,

Let me research that and I'll get back to you.

As a BS, I asked questions like that too but sometimes answers that appear to be the 'truth' really are NOT the truth and do more harm than good (if that makes sense). So I would prefer to lean on some valuable resources than give you advice that causes harm to your marriage.