Thanks Frozen, Im trying to be honest as I can, I think at times its more of me not understanding as it is honesty.

I understand that.

But if you continue to walk around with a lack of self-awareness and making decisions without knowing why, you will still receive the consequences for those choices.

Life doesn't care if you knew what you were doing or not.

Pretty scary to think that you will receive consequences for something you didn't know you were doing isn't it? Kind of akin to handing a toddler a loaded gun and expecting that they won't hurt themselves or someone in close proximity to them.

The only way to avoid the consequences is to avoid the actions that cause them. Doing that requires an awareness of the actions that ARE causing you the consequences and the ability to sort out which of those is your responsibility and which are someone else's responsibility.

If you think something isn't your fault and it really IS yours to own, you can't fix it because you're expecting someone else to fix it for you (since it's their responsibility).

If it isn't their responsiblity, they really CAN'T fix it. And the consequences will remain.

It would be nice if you continued learning which things you are responsible for so that you could stop waving that loaded gun around and hurting yourself and/or those you care about.

Yes you are so right frozen!

Great last post and soo true.


Thank you all for being here to help!

Well...Tonight im sitting in church, in the middle of the service my phone vibrates...


I look at it, weird phone number?

Look at the txt....

The OW txted me cussing me out and telling me im the one to blame ect. and bitching at me. It really made me mad.


I wanted to be honest with my wife, I didnt want to bring her up but I forwarded all the messages to my wife and showed them to her.

Zach,

Have you considered writing an NC letter to the OW, telling her that you don't want contact with her ever again and that you want to reconcile with your W?

The OW already knows this, I told her a couple of months ago I want nothing to do with her and I want to work everything out with my wife, and she agreed with me.


She just out of nowhere started bashing me telling me its all my fault. I told her we're both to blame and im not blaming anyone else but myself. I told her to leave me alone and dont bother me.

Didnt talk to my wife much last night I didnt get home from church till late. She sent me a txt around 11pm telling me she was home and goonight.

I'm confused. The OW told you this in the text message she sent you last night?

If she texted you, why did you respond to her?

Yeah I was in church when she sent it, I responded cause I guess I did it out of me being mad when I saw what she said.

I just told her to leave me alone and I dont want to talk to her or have anything to do with her. Thats all I said.
I showed my wife all the messages. At first when I told my wife she txted me she was asking what about ect. sounding upset. Then when I told her the OW was talking junk to me, she was ok with it? lol

Just got off the phone with my wife on the way to work, she was upset I could tell and I asked if there was anything I could do cause she didnt sound very happy.
She said she just drove by something that reminded her of me and the OW. I told her I was sorry, and told her I wanted her happy ect. She semed very understanding to what I said and surprised me listening and not yelling like she usually does. I think we had a good conversation.

"I wish I could take it all back but I cant."

No you can't take magically it all back.
However, you can make permanent changes to maybe eventually over time make it up to your wife and repair the damage you've done.

"I want to be a great husband for my wife. I really do mean this from my heart,"

You will need to prove this to your wife, with sustained efforts over a length of time.

"the problem with me cheating before in our relationship, she took me back that same night she found out. She found out about 3 girls all at one time, and I cried and begged for her back and within 30 mins she took me back, so with that being said, I NEVER changed myself."

"She took me back so quickly I never did anything after that to change my ways, she never made me fight or work for her back. I wish she would have now."

OK, she was definitely unwise to take you back so quickly and easily. No doubt she realizes that and is therefore not wanting to make the same mistake again.

HOWEVER, YOUR choice to manipulate her that way and to FAIL to make the necessary changes is YOUR fault - not entirely hers. It was YOUR responsibility to change yourself. She granted you forgiveness and grace, another chance. YOU CHOSE to take that opportunity and gift totally for granted. That is because YOU have some character flaws you need to deal with. You suffered little to no consequences of your bad choices so you felt you got away with it and never made the changes to prevent it from happening again; she could have made you work harder to win her back then so maybe you would have respected her more. BUT even if she didn't require you to do more it was still your responsibility to do so, and your failure for not doing so is a bad reflection on you Zach, not her.

So here's a new question for you:
IF/when she takes you back, will your efforts end? Will you say/do just whatever is needed to win her back? Or are you ready to take responsibility for repairing ALL the damage and for building a strong marriage?

"So now here we are, split for about 3 months, and shes known about my A for about 2 weeks or so now."

With her only knowing about the latest adultery for about 2 weeks, IMHO she would be very unwise to take you back anytime soon. Also, the fact that you DO expect immediate positive results from every little thing you say and do 'for her' (really for yourself), and feel a need to 'vent' your frustration when it doesn't pay off for you, is a major indication that you haven't really changed. SHE has changed and is expecting much more of you this time. I still suspect that is the major reason you are doing more this time.

"Im going to chruch, becoming real close with the pastor which is a good friend of mine now and hes also our counsler. Im reading a number of books to find out why I did what I did, and what I need to do to become a better husband and person and to make the right decisions."

All good stuff, and if you keep with it eventually you may understand enough to make some permanent changes.

Here's another book that might help you on your quest:
Wild @ Heart by John Eldridge
I suspect nothing short of you becoming her hero is going to work this time Zach. And if that IS what she requires of you it will be the best possible outcome for you and her both. BTW, even if she doesn't require that much of you, do it anyway dude!

Oh, BTW you should have already ended all contact with the OW - no excuses. WHY should you even care that the OW was angry with you and blaming you? You should have ZERO interest in what the OW says/thinks! You did the right thing by informing your wife that the OW had made contact with you; you REVEALED your thinking and priorities are still wrong by responding to the OW.

Maybe already asked and answered ... sorry if it has.

Have you considered changing you cell #, email addy's etc.?

"So here's a new question for you:
IF/when she takes you back, will your efforts end? Will you say/do just whatever is needed to win her back? Or are you ready to take responsibility for repairing ALL the damage and for building a strong marriage?"


I will not stop my efforts, I now see how important those little things are in a relationship. I see now I need to be more caring and respective of my wife. I love her to death and before I do something to hurt to upset her, Ill think about all of this and realize shes so important to me. Im willing to do anything to win her back and win her trust and respect back. Thats why im here and seeking for advice and help with my problems.

Again thank you all for the help.


1stmyway- I ended all contact with the OW last night if she sends another txt or anything again, I will change my #. I blocked her and deleted her name off of my AOL Instant Messenger.

I know I shouldnt have responded to the OW but I let my emotions take over me cause it made me mad, your right I shouldnt care that she said that. I just made sure to tell her I dont want her to talk to me.

Also...He Bday is on Dec. 18th and of course christmas.

She tells me I need to save my money and not to buy her nothing. I told her I still wanted to get her something and she said she didnt want me to buy her any presents.

What should I do? I guess get her a card and flowers or something inestead? Its going to be rough if I dont get to see her on her Bday and Christmas.

Ahhh Im such a screw up....



Ive had a pretty bad day. When i dont eat and I get hungry my blood sugar gets really slow and I get shaky and very moody. And of course with all of this stress, someone makes me pretty mad on the way home, some stupid kid driving like an idiot almost wrecked me. And I get home and my mom tells me my W called, so I call her, and I talk to her and she makes a smart comment to me, and she would rather go off with her friend tonight and her smoking like a train just made me ill. I raised my voice a little and said a few smart comments. And then she jumped me because of it, but I calmed myself down and explained to her what happened on the way home and all this stress and my blood sugar, and I apologized to her and she calmed down, and told me she would call me when she got done eating.



Breathe.


Im ready to be bashed cause of this but i had a bad drive home I guess.

First you say this:


Then you say this:



This is unacceptable. You have already allowed contact from the OW by NOT CHANGING YOUR NUMBER. Protect your wife. Changing your number is a simple procedure. Why in the world would you not take this simple precaution. You are leaving a door open for continued contact. Your wife knows that. You know that. OW knows that. Slam this door closed....now.

Also, it doesn't really matter if you TOLD OW that you want no contact. You still need to write the letter. Putting this in writing not only solidifies this idea to the OW, it demonstrates RESPECT AND LOVE TO YOUR WIFE. You need to follow the example in SAA or someone can post a link to a sample letter here. Write your letter and post it here for feedback. Then show it to your wife for her APPROVAL. Then YOUR WIFE mails it. This shows her you are willing to do whatever it takes. You say that above, but your actions are not backing it up.

Do you realize that your LACK of action only shows your wife a LACK of commitment to do what is necessary to earn her trust? Your words do not matter. These are two simple ACTIONS that SHOW her you are the real deal.

Are you the real deal?

Thanks Mamabear, Yes Ill write the letter then, im here to do whatever it takes.

Yes I realize words now are worthless, and actions speak all,as far as actions I think im doing the best as I can right now, I may learn more through this but right now im trying my hardest. The real deal? As far as me putting an effort to making a great husband for my wife and for me being a better person and be willing to do whatever it takes? Yes Id say I am then.

Good! Write it and post it here for feedback. You will get the help you need. Writing this letter SHOWS your wife that you mean what you say. Remember, she needs to approve it and SHE mails it.

Now, how about changing your cell number? This is a proactive measure to PREVENT any further pain to your wife.

It is good, VERY GOOD, that you immediately told her about the contact and that you showed her the texts. But you are allowing OW to hurt your wife by allowing contact that you can prevent.

It is simple to change your number. FWH and I just did this 3 weeks ago. It WILL give your wife peace of mind, AND it will again show her that you mean what you say.

Remember, your actions are what will move your BW to a place that she can begin to fathom trusting you again one day.

Keep posting, and keep looking for ACTIONS you can take to demonstrate your desire to protect your wife and protect your marriage.

Mamabear- Then oddest thing is....


These girls I have been with, My wife actually talks to them. Its like since my wife askes them 100 ?'s about details, and I mean EVERY detail about what we did ect. She becomes a little bit of a friend? Im pretty sure my wife still talks to the OW. Why? I dont know? When my wife found out about this girl, she ended up hanging out with one of the girls I slept at the beginning of this year? I find this very odd and dumb really.

Its like my wife got enjoyment the OW talked junk to me. She seemed happy about it almost?

Anyway, yesterday she seemed pretty cool towards me even though we had that little bit of an argument which I apologized for.

She called me before she went to bed and told me good night. She still says she doesnt think she can get over it but yet she wont give up? I really do beleive she wants to and is seeing if im changing or not.