Ahh yes, I couldnt find orange ones like we used in our wedding! But I did find some purple ones local so I settled with them. I bet she will be surpised I thought hard enough to use the same flowers, cause thats something I dont usually care about and such. I also got her a cute bear while I was there and a Happy Bday card. I think since im off of work tomrrow im going to get up realy early and catch her leaving her house and give them to her and tell her happy Bday and go back home.




Yes Im hoping and praying with time my changes will show my W I can be a faithful and loving person she wants. Who knows if or how long it will take.

Zach:

Sorry to highjack your post, but just have to thank mere. Mere thanks for posting your details. Helps explain a lot for me, and gives me a lot to think about.

Zach, have a good night,

Yes im so glad Mere posted that also.


Thanks OMWH!

Ok, I just got back from surprising my W. She was putting makeup on and I gave her the flowers and card and stuffed animal. She smiled and was happy you could tell. She loves her bday more than christmas lol. She was very happy and we just talked in general while she was putting on makeup. She was fixing to leave and all, and we hugged and she wouldnt let me kiss her on the lips and she turned her cheek so I could kiss her on her cheek. I asked her if she wanted me to keep trying, and she said... "I dont know, I dont wanna talk about it today". I smiled and told her ok thats fine and hope she has a good day.




Now. I dont know if some of you can relate to this or not. I know my W's decisions are hers and I shouldnt be worried about what shes doing, BUT her friend brought this to my attention today and its really worrying me and her family. Her friend ive talked about Amy...I spoke with one of my W's friends thats been her best friend since 5 yrs old. She has been hanging around them some and since my W's is living with her now shes been going over there. She brought to my attention that that girl Amy is basically controlling my W, bossing her around and trying to act like shes her mom. My W's whole attitude has changed. Shes acting like shes my W's mom and she tells my wife to do something and she does it. Example- Tonight my W,her mom, her dad, and her brother are susposed to be going out to eat, now all of a sudden her friend Amy came into the picture and her mom is now very mad about it. Since shes hung out with her shes began to hate her mom because her friend amy hates her.

I feel like ive lost the real person she really is. Her mom and family feels the same, they called me this morning and talked to me about it. Im worried and so is her friends and family. Is this just a phase shes going through and will see who that girl truly is? I feel im going to lose my W cause this girl is controlling my W and bossing her around. Everytime my name gets brought up the friend just says "ditch him" and wont talk to her about us, and my W has ALWAYS been someone to talk to people about her issues and problems. Her mom wont stand up to Amy cause my W flipped her lid last time, and her dad wont either cause I think hes fixing to leave my W's mother <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I feel like im in a no win situation right now.


Im just worried about my W, I see shes not being who she truly is and everyone is worried for her. I dont care if she comes back to me I just want her to get away from this controlling girl before she ruins her life.

Zach - I have to agree with what Bellevue posted:

"Patience, so you can become an adult. You two may even live several months, a year, apart, while you grow more mature. Even if you don't reconcile, you haven't wasted the time you spent working on yourself. You're investing in your manhood, you're maturing. You still have a life."

I think if my WXH had done some of the things you are doing now, coming to a site like this and learning about adultery vs a faithful marriage after his first wife left him, then maybe he would have gotten help for his problem before I even met him. Of course they didn't even have internet sites back then... but still, if he had gone to counseling instead of trying to pretend he didn't have a problem, who knows?

OnMyWayHome: LOL... so now do you see why I'm so wierd? LOL Actually I'm kind of surprised I'm still sane even LOL

Zach: Part of the reason my posting name is meremortal is because I need to remind myself that my WXH didn't cheat on me with OW and then divorce me because any of those OW were so much better than me, or because I was majorly deficient as a wife. The 'faults' my WXH used to point to when pretending that his adulteries were my fault or that I wasn't as good as the OW, were just your ordinary mere mortal type flaws. No I'm not perfect but my imperfections weren't the real reason behind his adulteries. Eventually I realized that no matter what hoops I jumped through in trying to please him, no matter what changes I made to myself to try to compete with the OW, he was still going to cheat. I also realized that ANY woman he moved in with would soon cause him to be disillusioned because he would be unfairly comparing her to the women he sees out in public. He'd see ANY woman he lives with sometimes without make-up, sometimes without her hair styled, sometimes with the flu... and the women he cheats with are usually women he meets at work so he ONLY sees them dressed up for work (or for dates with him).

And even though I've known for a long time now that the OW weren't better than me and that it should have been OK for me to feel safe in my marriage to just be myself, that I AM 'good enough', it's one thing to know that but quite another thing to feel that sometimes.

My WXH, when he was trying to demand continued access to me and my home even though he was divorcing me for the OW, told me things like: "You're too old to date" and "No man would want you". He said these things in response to my saying that if he divorced me for the OW then NO he could NOT come over to my home anytime he wanted to, eat dinner with us after work every night, stay and watch a movie with us, and drag me along when he took the kids for his visitation days!

I told him that if he divorced me then not only would he not have a right to bust those boundaries but it wouldn't work to have my XH hanging around if/when I met a new man. He said those hateful things to me to 'explain' to me that having my XH hanging around wouldn't be a problem because there never would be a new man in my life! Besides, he 'reasoned', the 'kids need to see us together'... When I refused to 'cooperate' with his notion that he could basically have visitation rights with me and my home, not just our daughters, he called me 'vindictive'... whatever LOL (BTW the OW who eventually dumped him doesn't allow him to come hang around her place either... she must be 'vindictive' too LOL)

But there's another reason I chose the posting name meremortal too: to remind myself that my WXH is just a mere mortal, not worthy of being as important to me as I had allowed him to be in the past. I CAN and must live a happy life without him. And it was wrong to neglect my relationship with God to the point that I ever became so dependent on a mere man for my sense of security and hope anyway.

Zach, there's a high probability that your BW will divorce you. And there's no guarantee that even if you continue to make positive changes and to make ammends for the hurt you've caused her, that she will ever reunite with you. And I know that is a possibility that you don't want. But it is something that you can get through and still have a happy future. You are learning and you are on the right path. For someone as young as you are that is something to be proud of, Zach.

Stay in church and build your relationship with God Zach because he is the ONLY one you can count on to be with you for your whole life. Sure it will be great if you and your wife stay married, or get back together again at some point in the future. But that doesn't have to happen in order for you to be a happy human. Hoever, without a personal relationship with God it doesn't matter who you are with, or what you are doing, the God-shaped hole in your heart will always keep you searching for more. You'll tell yourself it's just a little flirting, or some other addiction disguised as harmless, or that your current GF or wife just isn't enough... Build a really close relationship with God right now and THEN you will be in a position to have a successful marriage with a woman.

What Bellevue said is very good advice IMHO.

Nice post Meremortal.... Im glad youve told me about your story I, you are a strong person, god bless you!

I know in my W's heart she isnt ready to give up, she wont answer to the question are we done for good. Every answer is "I dont know". Heck she even has me under the same section on her AOL screen name as "Sweetie". I understand this is going to take a lot of time, im doing better at that and working my [censored] off to do everything I can to be a great person for my W in the future or maybe even the next person if it comes to that.

Im still young and I realize my life isnt over if she doesnt come back, but I really do believe she will over time, she loves me and I love her to death, im putting this into gods hands and have him direct us in the right path. Maybe god is putting us through this to make us so much stronger in the long run and to finally change my ways. My W is still hanging on and shes not letting go of me or ignoring me. Maybe she needs a lot of alone time (Which I have gave her) and over a few months or maybe longer she may come around, but then again maybe she wont. Fact is she loves me to death shes just hurt and torn right now. Maybe she will she who really cares in the end.


Shes doing better I can tell, not as much anger there and she can carry on a conversation with me now. It did hurt this morning to see her, shes so damn beautiful, I miss her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. This is up to god and its his decision, i have a very close relationship with him. Read the bible everyday and church every wed. and sunday.

It sounds like you know that this will take a lot of time.

Did you give her the birthday present?

Yes, I bought her some flowers, her fav. is Calla Lily's and we had them in our wedding. I gave her some of them and I a little monkey *she likes monekey's* that had a heart in its hand and said "I love ya". And I wrote her a card.


Her mom mentioned to me this morning that she wanted a pink cupcake from the place down the road here, has great icing. So while she was at lunch I got 3 of them and I waited on her to come back in the parking lot of her work. She got back but was in a hurry, she was late of course lol. I surprised her and she was so excited and looked so impressed cause she really wanted some. She stuck her cheek out for me to kiss her on the cheek. I said... "No lips?" She then stuck her lips out for me to kiss her so I did. Then she was getting out and I said... "I love you". She replied with "I love you". It amazed me cause she hasnt said I love you back in over a month or so. Maybe she slipped up? It puzzled me.


But all in all it seemed to do a bit of good.

Next time just take the cheek!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I did this morning LoL


I didnt think she would let me on the lips, I was joking and smiling when I said that. So many mixed emotions and feelings and behavior out of her. I guess its normal. Ill have to be patient <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Look at this way, her body language is asking if you are willing to be patient with her, and not be upset when things don't happen the way you want, or the way you want as fast as you want.

Be happy with the good signals you are getting and don't worry about what may follow...

Yeah shes very distant from me most of the time, not shy to hug me. But I mean thats the first time ive saw her since like thanksgiving. She wasnt hesitant to kiss me on the lips when I asked, I was joking thought when I asked, as being playful. I wasnt expecting her to let me. It made me feel good she said she loved me, I havent heard that out of her in a long time.

Ehhh Had a great day till now.....


Hurts to be sitting here alone while shes out with her friend and family celebrating her BirthDay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....

Zach:

There will be days like this... hang in there.

Yeah Onmyway...Im better this morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> lol.....


She called me last night actually. We didnt really say much besides goodnight and all and how her day was.

Im confused though, she told me she loved me yesterday???
She didnt say it before getting off the phone last night though. But I get so many mixed signals from her and it confuses me.

Well, if you know that she is confused, then you shouldn't be confused.

Stick to your plan and then expect that it will take time, and that sometimes she may appear to lean to one side or the other. In the big picture, you haven't really been working on this long yet.

There is a lot to repair. A rule of thumb is that for every month the wayward had involved with an affair partner, it takes that long plus aftr discovery to rebuild. A gulf is created when one spouse cheats. The marriage is never the same. Trust has to be rebuilt. The BS (betrayed spouse) has triggers that remind them of the adultery.

Anyone here know the mathematical formula for recovery after an affair has ended? I forgot it.

Part of rebuilding trust is complete transparency. Anything teh BS asks you has to be answered completely honestly. Your wife has to know about what was going on in her own life that you hid from her.

She still cares for you. It takes a lot to kill love.

She needs to know that once she has children, her husband will not jeopardize their family and their home. Read some of the stories here and the depth of damage to children will unfold.

We did not have an acrimonious divorce. Yet our son, 18, is very hurt. He wishes things were like they were before. He doesn't want to date, because he doesn't believe there is such a thing as "true love." He is alone with his grandpa right now for grandpa's last Christmas on earth. We talk daily. He is organizing the medicines in the pill container for his grandpa, cooking small meals and cleaning up, driving grandpa around.

He is afraid he will make a fatal error while fixing food, and it will make grandpa even sicker. (Grandpa has terminal cancer, just diagnosed.) If I were still married to his dad, I would be at the house with him, and he wouldn't be shouldering this responsibility all on his own. Yet, he chose to fly out alone on his first day of vacation from college.

My ex will fly out in a few days. My ex bro in law will also come for the holiday, which will lift some of the weight off our son's shoulders.

This all results from my ex's emotional affair. You would never think to look at him that he would cheat. He was straight arrow. Technically, it wasn't cheating because there was no sex. And her H likes my H, and doesn't feel the friendship is a threat to him.

In her gut, your wife doesn't want her babies [not yet born] to be hurt by infidelity. The stakes are higher for her. The texting, flirting, joking with other girls seems harmless when you start. You can only see inches from your face right now. Years from now, you will see long term effects on your life and on the lives of those you know.

Keep being a good person. The world has enough louses.

OMWH- Yes when I stop and actually think how long its been, its only been like 4 months or so. But she hasnt know about the A but like since Nov. Just seems so long cause the days go by so slow alone. I hope she can get through this. We'll see.


Bellevue- Im so sorry to hear that about the grandpaw. Esp around this time of the year, your in my prayers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Yes im totally honest about everything, its hard to make progress when she ignores me sometimes. She wont go out of her way to contact me but she still will talk to me. I dont blame her. The "I love you" back to me yesterday stunned me. but then maybe she slipped up in the moment. Not sure. This will take a lot of time and im ready to wait it out through the good and the bad days. Only thing concerns me is... Will my wife just spend forever with her friend everyday now and not bother to make a decision or work on us? I know her friend will not discuss us and just says "ditch him" when my name is spoken. Im worried that she will continue not knowing till we divorce. I know she loves me and cares about me or she wouldnt be answering my phone calls and even said she loved me yesterday and hugging/kissing me sometimes. Yesterday was the first time I had saw her in 2-3 weeks.

I wonder if shes going through like a phase? Will she see her friend is controlling her ect.? I know yall dont know the answer to this, its just questions I have in my head and im expressing them here. She loves me to death but will she part from this friend and move on with US.

Also she put a quote in her profile on AOL.....



Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

What gives you the impression that her friend is controlling her?