hello everyone,
This is the first time I ever posted. First, some facts. I was pregnant when we got married 15 years ago, we have been together 17. We have two children together. He lost two of his good friends to tragic accidents within this last year and became a grandfather last month(to his first child, he had her at the age of 17 not a good relationship with her). He is 43 and I am 44. I Found out about the affair eight days ago. It started about 20 days ago, although they work at the company and knew eacher other for some time(how long I don't know). I found out through text messages on his phone. I confronted him, he admitted it but denied having sex with her. I was willing to work it through. Of course it became the blame game. I didn't do this or that, I always do this or that, I'm unappreciative, we have nothing in common, we don't do anything together (without the kids)and so on and so forth. He told me he thought I wouldn't care, that I would be glad because now I would have a 'out' in the marriage because I've told him I wanted a divorce on numerous occations(true, I did) and I told him when I am done with school in two years I'm outta here(true I have said that). We had two major long talks, mainly him badgering me with I do and don't do and me crying and trying to make everthing alright. I didn't and don't want a divorce. Then three days ago I was able to get into his e-mail and lo and behold there are numerous letters to each other. Professing their love for each other. The OW is 30 with a 13 year old son,she had him at the age of 17, just like the WS (that's one thing they have in common) she isn't married. The letters were hurtful. He told her he never loved me, he has never been "in love" until now. He listed all the things he wants is life, like companionship, and communication,being able to hold someone all night in his arms. He told her he could never do all those things with me. He hopes she never changes. He connects with her mentally, physically, emotionally. Someone put them together for a reason he says and he wants to find out why. He wished the two of them could run away and start over. He loves the way she feels, smells, tastes, and wants to be with her always.I found out he took her to a motel and they spent the night (I'm guessing he called off of work to do that). They have sex at work. I was devestated even more than just finding out. The letters sound like they are written by a smitted teenager who just had sex for the first time. I called him at work(he works shifts) and told him not to come home or I would call the police on him. He called back later(probably after talking with her)and said he needed his clothes. I packed them in garbage bags and put them at the end of the driveway. He came to get them the next morning at which time I told him we need to sit down with the kids and talk to them. He seemed shocked, "talk about what" he asked. DUH! He once again stated that he though I wouldn't care because he though I wanted a divorce anyway.(side note on this: I have said many, many, many times I want a divorce, usually in an argument, but I never meant it) I told his mother and father, all our friends, all my family, everyone knows. I have been to a therapist already and will go back and take my children. I think about those letters all the time. His mother and father finally got him alone and had a talk with him tonight. They said he didn't say much. He is staying with a neighbor four houses down and stopped here on his way to get his work stuff tonight and he looked so pitiful, sad. He can hardly look at his kids. My biggest problem is that I am going to do or say the wrong thing and push him further from me into her. I don't beleive it when he says he never loved me, I know he did. Neither one of them has a place to live, she had to move back in with her parents.I asked him before he left tonight if he truly loved the OW, he said he was messed up and didn't know, it's just different. I want to do the right thing, but my heart is aching and I'm afraid I will do something to prolong the process of trying to save this marriage. Please, any advice. I am trying to act like "okay, this happens and we" (meaning me and the children) "will be just fine" But inside I want to run to him and punch him and say "Don't you know what you are doing to this family?" Of course I know he doesn't. I know he doesn't like staying at his friends house, and I'm sure he and the OW (and her kid) will be moving in together because she hates living at home(according to her letter). If he wants to reconcile for the sake of the children, is that right? I don't want the kids to be used as a pawn to for him to come back. I want him to come back to ME and our family. Is the fact that he is willing to go to counseling (family, for the sake of the kids he says)a start in healing this relationship? Is he messed up and confused or was he just feeding me line to spare my feelings? SOrry this is sooo long, but I wanted to give as much information as possible so someone can help me. THanks you all so much. Mitzie

No I haven't exposed them to their work. If I do, would that jeopardize his job? He is the only income. I have an appt with the lawyer this week for spousal/child support. I am currently in school for nursing and need to finish that before finding a job. I don't know where to find the letter here on the board, can you point me? BTW, are you and your WS back together, and how long did it take?

Mitzie,

His affair was 100% his fault, not yours.

You did, however, to a lot of Love Busting (LB). I suggest that you read all on this site, Surviving an Affair and Lover Busters. You might want to re-post on GQII as there will be more help there from more experienced posters.

I'm sorry you're in this position, but there's hope.