Hello to all. It's been a month or longer since I last posted, but I read here daily and figured I'd give it one last shot before giving up at thinking anything good can happen until he leaves this job.

WH has searched tirelessly for a job. Our home has been on the market for three months with nothing. Since "NC" was attempted back in the summer, he has been moved back to working indirectly (emails) with OW. They do not physically work together or see each other. We have worked hard to repair our R as much as we can knowing that he will continue to work with her until he gets another job. He has a good prospect opening up at the end of the month so we are praying for that desperately.

He has done really well in the sense that he has figured out when to end the email "conversation", in other words, once business is done, there are no casual emails sent back and forth. He asks me to check on a regular basis - which I have been doing since I got wind of the EA anyway. He has been much more attentive to my EN's and I his, even when I don't seem appreciative of him because of this job. He knows that we will never begin to recover until he leaves and he has finally grasped and understands this.

My question is this...is it "normal" for me to still be bitter/jealous that he cannot find another job when I know and feel deep down in my heart that he is trying and not going behind my back to keep this EA alive? He was completely remorseful when found out (in January of this year) and didn't realize the extent of what he had done. He has never thrown any of it in my face, truly wants to repair our M and I believe this, but just knowing that she still gets much more of his time during the day, even though it's about work, just eats away at me and I almost obsess about it daily.

I truly believe he is trying and am afraid because of my feelings, that if I don't start "pretending" to be okay with it that it will push him away??? How can I be true to myself and remind him that I am not okay with this, all the while understanding that he is trying and noticing that?

Any thoughts?

It is a HUGE lovebuster for him to have any continued contact with the OW. It keeps you in a state of anxiety and fear and prevents you from recovering. Every contact with her is an assault on you. You can see the effect, jashley. Now, you can try and pretend them away or argue that you "shouldn't" have those feelings, but that will not solve the problem. It will only lead to depression and a very empty lovebank.

He needs to understand the effect this is having on you and perhaps end all contact at work and try harder to find another job. He should not be in any contact with her at work. He needs to go in and tell his boss WHY and what this is doing to his marriage.

jlashley16
Sorry to say this, but this approach will not work and continued contact in any form is unacceptable and will cause your H to stay in some form of fog, indefinetly.



Yes, it is normal. From Dr. H:



I think that says it all, and should let you know that, yes, under the circumstances, your feelings are very normal. Normalcy, has not been restored to your M as long as your H has any form of contact with a former lover. That includes, business contact. That is, after all, where this A started in the first place, is it not?

IMHO, your H should quit his job. Then he can devout all of time to looking for a new job. It's quite a sacrafice, but it is the fallout damage done by the A.

All blessings,
Jerry

Thanks Melody. I know all of what you said is true. He has told his boss and their reply was basically- "you have made it through 7 job cuts, be thankful you have a job and that is not our problem, it's yours". To be honest, they are right. It is not their problem. WH and OW chose to have inappropriate conversation leading to an EA. We are responsible for keeping our marriage in check and we did not do so and here we are.

Don't get me wrong, if there is sexual harassment or other types of behaviour then I believe wholly that the employer should step in. Just my opinion. Maybe I am wrong about this not being their problem?

I just needed affirmation that my feelings are not wrong here. We know what needs to be done, but I just wanted to make sure that it was okay that I felt this way.

Thanks for the words but not reprimand. I need hugs right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Yes, that is quite a sacrafice shine through and I completely understand the reasoning behind it, and have voiced my opinion on that before.

I am trying to not be a hypocrite in saying that of course, things would be much better and on our way to recovery if he did not work there, but I also know that we have a mortgage to pay and minimum wage - if he could even find anything, isn't going to pay the bills. I am not talking about the standard to which we are accustomed, I am talking about eating, staying warm, having a place to live, etc. And yes, those are more important to us at this point which makes it look like it's more important for our kids to be warm than for us to be happy. So, if that's the case, then, yes, it is.

I have a work from home job that should begin in January. If this job for him at the end of the month does not work out, the money I will receive will allow him to look for a lower paying job. He makes decent money because he commutes and he can't come close to that where we are.

I know it seems like excuses and maybe they are, so be it, that's why I refrain from posting so much because that is the choice that he and I have made for our family.

It does not lessen the hurt from the emails to OW lashing out at me.

Thanks for the post...

JL(if i could abr.)
I wasn't try to imply any hypocrisy(sp) or anything like that in my post to you. I simply wanted you to be aware of the danger involved in continued C, be it business or otherwise.

I know what it's like to be between a rock and a hard place financially, BTDT. And it is admirable that you continue to do what is best for your C.

Having said that, have you had any real brainstorming sessions with your H about how he could get out of his present place of employment, and still makes ends meet?



I understand completely and was not trying to come off as some type of condesending person. I was simply quoting the experiences of Dr H about A being reignited if any form of C continued.

It took my FWW 3 months to quit her job with her former boss(her OM). Still, she met him at a xmas party 3months later, and a summer party, another 6 months latter, all while I was in the dark of the A that took place. Each contact, business or otherwise will reset the clock for witdrawal. That was the only point I was trying to make.

I understand that presenting a dilemma does not solve your financial problem, but do wish you the best.

All blessings,
Jerry

No offense taken! Sometimes it's so hard in posts to actually portray how you are trying to come across. My point was just that I just need a soft place of understanding to fall on all the while knowing that things won't change until he leaves his employer.

I don't know that we have had any real brainstorming sessions per se, we have talked about quite a bit. We just feel so stuck. We are both believers in God and believe that He has us in this situation for a reason. Are we uncomfortable? Totally, however, we know that trials will make us stronger- eventually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I search the local/non-local papers daily for job opportunities and those for which he has applied, he has heard no response from. He left a message this morning for the owner of the company for which he has a prospective job to just check in and see if any thing new has come about on that front.

On another note, I imagine I will not be able to forgive him until he leaves this job also? I struggle with that also. I feel like he is truly trying and I know that if he were at another job, I would have already forgiven him.

JL,
You said:


I don't think I ever implied that your choice to forgive your H was based on where he is employed. If you got that impression, i am sorry. Forgiveness, is exactly that, A CHOICE.
It really doesn't have have anything to do with where your H works, but much rather, who he is in contact with.

Is there any way anyone her(including myself) can be part of the solution, as opposed to being part of the problem? I am not trying to be part of the problem, but rather warning about the pitfalls of Recovery that Dr. H. so pointedly puts forth.
I think it is the turmoil you are feeling, and rightfully so.

All Blessings,
Jerry

My W had to work with OM for a week after D-Day and I was not at all happy about it. It caused a lot of anxiety for me and her as well I believe. I can't imagine dealing with it long term, but I completely understand why it might be necessary.

I personally don't see how our marriage could have made much (if any) recovery progress while she was still working with OM.

Its good that your H is being open with you and doing the best he can under the circumstances but I can completely understand how this is causing you alot of stress. Your husband needs to understand this as well. Really, the choice you have made is that you are putting your marriage recovery on hold, plain and simple. His continuing to work there is a love buster, it violates the POJA, it breaks NC, it basically is not the MB plan, and you know that. But given that, its impossible to proceed with a MB recovery plan. I don't say that to get on you but more to get you to recognize that there are very good reasons why you feel the way you do and that its somewhat unreasonable to expect that you would feel any differently.

I would think that it doesn't prevent all progress in the marriage, but it really does throw up an insurmountable roadblock imo. I hope you can hang in there and that he finds a new job soon.

Please don't think I am responding defensively. I am sorry, I must not be coming across well at all. The part about forgiveness was just a side note that I thought to include. I was inquiring as to whether or not, I would be able to forgive him until he leaves this job? I realize that it is a choice, but I don't think that I can honestly do that. I know that NC sometimes takes a while, ie. WS leaving a job, moving etc., has anyone ever forgiven their WS before NC was established if they felt that their WS was trying to change?

Quote:

Is there any way anyone here(including myself) can be part of the solution, as opposed to being part of the problem? I am not trying to be part of the problem, but rather warning about the pitfalls of Recovery that Dr. H. so pointedly puts forth.


I wish I knew the answer to that. I am trying to come here humbled. I don't want to come across as thought I am soliciting pity or pats on the back if MBer's feel like I am trying to complain about my situation while doing nothing about it. The truth is, until he finds another job, other than going cold turkey and losing everything, that feels like the only other thing we can do right now to get past this.

I KNOW he is trying. I FEEL that he is trying. I just can't feel any better about this until he leaves. I don't feel it's right to ask him to leave knowing nothing is waiting for him job wise. He has been very understanding about how I have been feeling these past few months- ie. not questioning me, not telling me to get over it.

To be honest, for a while, I was doing well. I really was. And then there was an email that was completely innocent in nature and it wasn't what was said, it was the fact that it was said to her. He had no clue that that crossed a boundary. I told him that he is not allowed to have any "conversation" (emails) with her that are not strictly get-business-done-related. I don't care if the plumber was late and you decide to talk about how he usually isn't and how sorry you are about that and all that jazz. The plumber was late and that's where it needed to end. (They both work Customer Service for a home builder-he was up to Superintendent which meant pretty much no contact with OW until they fired a lot of people because of sales and he was moved back there-she works in office-he in field).

I don't think that was a lot to ask on my part, but it may be a bit harsh in others' eyes. I told him that this is how some EA/PA's start- completely innocent in nature. Was I wrong?

JL
I don't mean to be a doomsayer her, but based upon your replies, your H is waling a very slippery slope.

There is a very good reason that Dr H is admant about NO CONTACT, forever, for the rest of your lives.

I don't care that their respective positions within the co has changed, they are still in contact!!!!!!!!

No wonder your are feeling a bit unstable in your R!! Easy to say, but hard to do, there must be NC forever and for the rest of your lives.



Sadly, yes you were wrong. There is NOTHING INNOCENT about the nature of an A. NOTHING!!!
Suspect you will have to come to grips with that first.



And that is exactly why your H has not grasphed the whole concept of NC. I would suggest that you go back to to home board and re read Dr H"s suggestions and go from there. You need, IMHO, to re read the Basic Concepts he explains in plain and simple text.

I think there will be an enlightenment on your part if you do. I need to do this myself, all the time, to bring myself back to some type of baseline. Lest I forget, and start my own program(UGG).

All Blessings,
Jerry

No, you are not a doomsayer. I emailed him at work and told him that I was posting again and would show him the replies I got tonight. You are just being honest and telling me all the stuff I know. I just feel like I almost need to corner my WH to get him to see what I see but on the other hand, I know he already feels backed into a corner because of this job. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! Darned if I do and Darned if I don't.

I will go back and re-read the suggestions. I just feel like I am reading them and WH feels like he can't do them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

How about you change your post thread to:

"I'm poised to recover, but not sure how to get there!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


All blessings,
Jerry

Tyk-

Thank you for your reply. It makes total sense. Yes, our recovery is on hold. That, both he and I agree on. I think he is finally starting to see what this is doing to me. I don't want to send him on a guilt trip 24/7, but I also want to make sure he knows 24/7 that this is not getting any better even though they are not still "talking".

I will hang in there... I'll give an update on the job as soon as I know something.

Thanks! I will do so...

okay. i think i now have two threads going and i don't want to do that. how do i change the title??? HELP! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Edit your first post and you can change the title, I think.

thanks...i'll try that

Bump for pros.

Counting on you all.

Showed WH the posts from this last night. He understands yet feels torn because feeding our children and having a place to live are important and knows that by doing that, it puts our recovery on the back burner. I agree but it still does not change how I feel on a daily basis. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />