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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3 |
My H had an A a year ago. He was working out of state and coming back home on weekends while I was working full time and staying with our 2 young children. Our marriage has been rocky since because he won't really talk about it or help give me closure. My H doesn't meet my EN. I really need some affection and he doesn't provide that. No hugs, kisses, never says "I love you", sometimes even leaves the house without even saying goodbye. I have printed out the EN questionnaires for my H and he says he will fill out but doesn't. I talked to him about EN and he says he understands but then doesn't change. Now, we are both in the new state, year after the A and he is having private lunches with a woman that works for him. They even leave the office alone and go out for coffee occasionally. I asked him not to do that anymore because of the A, I felt insecure and felt that was too much temptation for him. He refuses to give this up, even if it means our marriage. He thinks I am being ridiculous and says that there is nothing happening and I should just trust him. He says I am pushing him away by checking up on him all the time. I have checked up on him and I constantly find that he has lied to me.(Usually about having lunch with her). What can I do to help him understand that he has to earn some trust? That I can't just give it to him even if I wanted to?
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
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Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
You can't 'help' him understand anything except that you won't tolerate it. He's getting away with this because you're letting him. Until you are willing to stand up for your side and demand respect, he won't give it. I know, that's easy to say, hard to do. But it can't be worse than what you're living now.
Tell him that you expect him to engage in the relationship or you'll have to do what you have to do - don't threaten him, but find whatever works with him to make him understand it won't continue this way.
Seriously, are you willing to stay like this? It will only get worse, unless you take a stand.
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3 |
I am very frustrated with my situation and would love to say that I won't tolerate this anymore. I have taken a stand with him and told him that he can either treat me with respect and honesty or I will leave. He has told me that he is fed up with being watched and checked up on and if I want a divorce, just do it. I know that is mainly his frustration talking, but I can't seem to get him to engage in working on our relationship. His needs are being met but mine are not therefore he is fine like it is. We have 2 young children and I don't want to make any decisions that will have a negative effect on them. I just need to find a way to be happy myself and figure out a way to negotiate with him to get some of my EN met.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
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Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
From what I've learned here, I think that the first step in you achieving that - him meeting your ENs - is to first meet his. Why should he care about your ENs if you don't care about his? Some may see that as 'backing down' or someething, but honestly, it's kind of a secret way to get your desired results. Meditate, chant, do yoga, whatever, to get to that calm place in you that will allow you to say to him, I know you don't want me to be unhappy, just like I would never want you to be unhappy, so let's find out how to get back to where we were X years ago. Let's fill out a questionnaire; or just have a talk. Maybe go for a walk. Remember what it was like when we were dating. And go from there. JMO
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3 |
Thanks for your help and advice. I think you are right. I need to find out what needs I am not meeting for him and start from there.
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 10
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 10 |
I can see myself in your H. Saying: "yeah, whatever, I'll do that" and then not doing it. As long as your H can get away with it, he will. Why not? You HAVE to take a stand and mean it! You MIGHT have to separate (even for a little while)for him to get the picture. Please try to be strong. Do Not tolerate that elusive, wacky behaviour - because if you DO tolerate it, it WILL continue. And something tells me he does not want to jeopardise his marriage - he just wants whatever he can get away with.
Be strong. It will be very, very hard. In about 6 months you will have a marraige and be MUCH happier.
Best of Luck
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