I agree very much. I think this should be reported to the police. Let THEM decide if this was a sexual assault committed by someone who is "temporarily insane" or an "affair."

I would be very worried about my daughters, too, if I were you. If he can cross this line so easily, he can cross others.

If she has daughters I'd strongly suggest she talk to them, and get the examined by a doctor.

If he can not control himself w/ this sleeping family member, why should she believe he could control himself around other family members?

~ Marsh

If he's going to do that one your house with your brother's wife while you are at home, just imagine what he will do with a stranger when you are away. Your husband has serious problems, and you need to get to counseling and address these issues. Since he will likely lie, I agree that you should make him submit to a polygraph to see what other past indiscretions he has had. You shouldn't trust your husband. I bet he's been unfaithful to you many times before. He sounds like a serial cheater and a sex addict.

Okay, you are making him sound like a monster...this is not the truth. She was awake when he walked in that room, she said she was. He walked in there and asked her if the she wanted the shade shut because she was trying to go back to sleep....her words. From that point on, I am not entirely sure what happened. I think they may have told me...but I was probably very emotional at that time. My SIL has always been a HUGE flirt, she has a reputation for flirting, we've (our family) have always played it off as "it's just her".....She is an attractive girl, I think my WH would say the same thing, but to say that he is "attracted" to her, I'd have to honestly say no. I know that you all think I am being crazy, but I know this man, I've known him. He has never done anything but show me love and respect. Couldn't it possibly be that he just F'd up? I have never doubted him before. You are right, I have thought about the fact that if I wasn't home what would have happened. Trust me this is tearing me up inside. I do have an appointment with a counselor to try and work through some of this. He is also willing to go to counseling. I just want so badly to believe that this was truly a mistake and that it won't happen again, isn't that a possibility or is it ALWAYS once they stray they stray again? Couldn't it be that he learned his lesson and realizes what he has with me and the kids and would NEVER do this again? I am loosing my mind over this!!!!

You are in serious denial, sadwife. Your H assaulted this woman and you are blaming HER for it.

This was not a "mistake," a "mistake" is putting on the wrong color socks. Your H did not "mistakenly" molest her. He MEANT to do so. In his own family's home with his wife and children in the same house. Your denial of the problem is going to prevent a solution.

I am not blaming her, trust me, I think it takes two...I blame the both of them. He is my husband and you are right, it is awful what he did - especially in our house. Maybe it was a bad idea to come here for help.

So what are you suggesting I do? Leave? Don't even try? My brother flat out asked my SIL if she was raped and she said NO WAY!!!! Why would she lie? Should I call her and ask her myself? What am I supposed to do? He DID NOT have sex with her, he copped a feel and then walked away, they both say that is what happened. He has not shoved any responsibility onto my SIL, he has accepted full blame, never once did he say that she was at fault. Doesn't that count for something?

No, it does not take TWO to be molested. Your H molested her. She did not ask to be molested or participate in being molested. You cannot blame her AT ALL.



I don't know what in the world you are talking about here. Lie about what? Do you know the difference between RAPE and MOLESTATION? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Your H has molested a woman in your house, sadwife. You, yourself, have explained this by saying he is "temporarily insane."

I am trying to help you understand that your H did not have an "affair," but ASSAULTED a woman in your home. This was not a "mistake," but a deliberate ASSAULT on a guest in your home.

Why not call Dr. Harley on his radio show in 30 minutes and ask him what he thinks should be done? He is a licensed psychologist and you can be anonymous on the radio. He would be a great help, sadwife and would give you some direction. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

Here's what you told us...

She was sleeping... Not flirting...sleeping..

H went in her room, while you were busy in the shower, to ask her if she wanted coffee.

Did he wake her when asked her?

Did she say, "No, I'm trying to sleep."?

To which he then offered to pull down the shade.

Then what did he do?

Did he leave SIL alone so she could get to sleep?

No, he went over and in his own words, "touched her inappropriately."

They both agreed that's what he did.

That is sexual assault.

And worse than that, it was done to your SIL in a place she thought she was safe. By a person she trusted.

Your H is not the man you want to believe he is.

He has just shown you who he is.

You need to face the truth and help him get the help he needs.

~ Marsh

This is the problem.....you do not KNOW the truth!


What you want to believe and what is the truth are not the same thing. You can't "will" something to be true. I would have your H take a lie detector test. If he is not willing then he is hiding something. Also watch for the bait and switch here. Make sure he TAKES the test not just says he will.



You feel like you are loosing your mind because your mind is telling you one thing and your H is telling you something else. Who do you trust more your H or your OWN MIND?

In this last post you gave more information about your SIL being a flirt. So your radar has been up with your SIL but you trusted your H not to respond....until now.

I still have issues with the way your brother handled this. I put myself in SIL and your brother's shoes. Then I thought what if my BIL did this to me? How would I react? How would my H react? I think after I talked my H out of beating the crap out of BIL he would call his sister, not me. Then after H cooled down he would have a "chat" with BIL and set up ground rules and #1 would be he is never to be alone with me again!

So you seriously don't think she could have said or done anything to provoke it?

I do understand the difference between rape and molestation. My point was, is that my brother asked her if he 'forced her' or if she was a willing participant.

ML, what if it wasn't a molestation/assault? What if she instigated it and wanted it but then had an attack of conscience and told her husband?

Sadwife, again have you PERSONALLY talked to BIL and SIL BOTH about what happened or are you getting all your information from your WH? What are they calling it?

I do agree with the others though, I'm betting this isn't the first time.

If I were her, I would be questioning my DAUGHTERS to find out if other such "mistakes" have happened when their dad was "temporarily insane." This is a man who has no boundaries.

But I see absolutely no evidence that she instigated it. I believe it happened just as her H and her SIL said it happened. I think sadwife is in deep denial here and I am concerned about her daughters.

I have no daughters....three sons. I have heard both sides, from both of them. The reason my SIL told my brother was exactly that....an attack of guilt eating at her. She told me that herself. Said she couldn't live with herself...HER WORDS

No it is a great idea to come here for help. The question is are you open to getting help even if it means facing your worst fears. Take the advice on calling into the show today. I think it will give you some answers.

As to how you should move forward you can't until you get the WHOLE truth. Again, lie detector test. When you ask him to take the test look him in the eyes. Watch for eye contact. Next you need to talk to your brother about what happened and how he feels. Keep coming here for support the people here are great.

ok........ You are confusing guilt over secrecy with culpability for the crime. She couldn't keep your H's actions a secret from you because she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she did. She would have felt guilt over keeping it a secret, not because she felt she participated in being molested. She felt you had a RIGHT TO KNOW the truth about her H. And what do you do? You BLAME HER and call it an affair!

Did SIL explain her part in it at all to YOU?

Ok here we go. If she did nothing wrong why would she feel guilty? Did you ask her WHY she feels guilty if she did nothing wrong? RED FLAG!

sadwife,

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! Sure she probably didn't tell him to stop (although I think she wasn't okay with it, she just froze up in disbelief), but it seems like HE INSTIGATED IT...IN YOUR HOME...WITH YOU IN THE SHOWER! He sounds like a sex addict who can't control himself. What do you think he is doing when you aren't around? Quit defending the indefensible. A mistake is misspelling a word, not fondling your BIL's wife. Your H and your M both have serious issues that need addressing or he is going to continue this behavior with someone who won't tell on him.

NO CONSEQUENCES = NO REASON TO CHANGE THE STATUS QUO.