I showed sadwife's initial post to a friend of mine who is a police officer, along with sadwife's explanation of why she felt the SIL was a "willing participant." I only showed him her posts, with the commentary "affair or assault?'

He classified it as "sexual battery" and stated that just because she didn't fight him off doesn't mean she wanted it. He pointed out that if she was a "willing participant," then why would she tell her husband?

Exactly.

Sadwife titled this thread, "SOOOO CONFUSED..." and she asked for insight.

It doesn't make sense to her.

An A she could understand....but THIS, is another matter.

I personally think SADWIFE was in shock, and followed it up w/ denial...

Hopefully she will realize what really happened here.

~ Marsh

MR,

Thanks for the information. Sorry, I am really a nice guy, but I get the feeling from her post that she has alot of anger especially towards men.

I noted in SW post that the SIL was not infact asleep.
*edit********

Point being is that in IMHO this site should be directed toward rehabilitation, compassion, understanding and fortitude. In reviewing the post on this subject, I don't think that is what SW is getting. Hence my opinion that she should take a deep breath, start from scratch and lets get to the bottom of the real story.

Thanks for your reply and advice.

SW, how are you doing? I would be interested in how things are coming around and whether your H has decided to come clean.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this regardless of how you found out, it does not take away the pain and betrayal that you must be experiencing. For that you have my empathy.

As stated in my earlier post, you will get through this and it sounds as if you H is willing to go through whatever in order to makes things better. That is usually not the case in most situations posted here.

Be interested to here back from you. Prayers to you and good luck

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello all...

I refuse to debate this any longer, which is why I have not been back....I was reading through these posts and was actually laughing at how absurd most of you sound.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday....it went well. Unlike what MOST of you think, the therapist sees a very different picture. I talked to my SIL and she says she was a willing participant, without going into all the details, she was not VICTIMIZED as most of you would like to think. Drama is not my thing and I am not here to try and create that. You should go watch a soap opera if that is what you are looking for. These are people's lives that you are dealing with. Real people with real families.

I truly believe that people can make mistakes. I truly believe that is what happened here. You may think I am in denial, I am not here to be judged. I was upset and confused as to how in the world the man I love could cross this line. I was looking for some guidance and instead it turned into this horrible, dramatic bashing. You only made me feel worse. You don't know this man or this woman, you are in no position to judge them. They both admit they were wrong, things went too far. She touched him, he touched her and then it stopped when they realized what they were doing.

I am sorry to rain on your drama parade as it seems you thrive on people's distress...that is just not normal. Why on earth you sit here all day replying to these posts like this is beyond me. You are helping no one. I am truly disappointed in how this turned out. I was simply looking for guidance and got none of that.

Thank you for your time and to some of you, your kind words, for the rest of you, the show is over....THE END!!!!

And I would suggest that there is alot of denial and a lack of common sense in your posts, LTKramer. Anyone who would say that a woman was a "willing participant" in an ASSAULT because she is a FLIRT [not during the assault] has a serious problem.

YOU WROTE:
Most MEN do not grab a woman's CROTCH whether they think they can get away with it or not. I think "most men" might be a little offended at your characterization, too.


It is irrelevant. She was molested and being awake or asleep doesn't change that. Being awake does not negate being molested.


And whn will you be starting? Enabling someone's denial is NONE OF those things. You are doing her NO FAVORS by telling her the SIL "deserved" to be molested because she is a flirt. Do you understand that he could be charged with criminal sexual conduct for what he did?

sigh...........so now the story changes. I wish you the best, sadwife.

As I said.....I talked to her and those were her words....I hadn't really talked to her before....my "story" has not changed, it has only gotten clearer. Sorry to disappoint you!!!!!!!!!!

Melody. This was CLEARLY not an assault by SIL's own admission. Now we've run her off.

Sadwife, don't go away. We really can help you get through this. Now that you know the story, what do you need to do about getting past the fact that your husband thought it was okay to cross that line? Dr. Harley really does have good advice and plans on helping you restore your marriage. At this point, your marriage IS broken because your husband committed adultery. Lots of people have come through this and are stronger than before.

Exactly. This is what I've been trying to say all along. Get the facts completely before judgment is passed.

Sadwife,

Hang around ... and use the "ignore" feature to block those who insist on jumping to wild conclusions, are drama seekers or worse [censored] stirrers.

I hear what you're saying about those who seem to spend all of their time here. Personally, I use my time here to learn about what I'm going through and from others mistakes/successes. I also get some satisfaction in helping other BH's find their backbone to help themselves help their marriage, but I don't understand those that seem to "wallow" in these terrible situations of others, especially for years and years. I'm actually looking forward to cutting back my visiting and posting here as my situation continues to improve as this site has a tendency to "trigger" me at times, which is actually detrimental to its stated purpose.

You are an intelligent woman, so feel free to use this site for YOUR own purposes, and forget (or ignore) about the misplaced agendas of others.

MyRevelation... now look who's passing judgment. You have not been here long enough to say what you did. Some of those people that you accuse of "wallowing" have helped 100s of people restore their marriages (maybe even yours!) -- or if not their marriages-- restore their faith in who they are. Why? Because they're giving back... passing it forward... and there is NOTHING wrong with that. This board wouldn't be what it is without them. Shame on you.

OMG - Seriously....I think you are just looking for an arguement or something to debate....MR said nothing wrong, I totally got what he was saying. Thank you for your kind words. But, I am going to move on after today. I want to repair my marriage, I love my H and I love our family, and I am not willing to throw that away without trying with everything I have in me to make it work. People do make mistakes....Once is a mistake, twice is a habit....we haven't hit the "habit" stage yet, so yes, I am moving forward and I am talking with a LICENSED counselor and getting good CONSTRUCTIVE advice.

Whatever. It's your life and your marriage. Good luck to you.

This thread pretty much encapsulates everything that is good and bad about the internet, doesn't it?

I didn't realize there was a seniority requirement to be able to form your own opinion.

It's a shame how Sadwife was treated on this thread. She came here for information and direction for a relatively benign occurance by MB standards (at least that's all we know about at this point), and the ridiculous conclusion jumping started. Based on nothing more that what Sadwife posted, she was told that her H was a sexual predator, criminally insane, rapist, pedophile, etc., which caused her to decide to leave after ONLY ONE DAY!!! ... and who could really blame her.

You're right, I've only been here for 90 days or so, but in this short time frame, I've seen the above repeated on many occassions by the same cast of characters.

I have a lot of message board (non-marriage/infidelity sites) experience and it seems each one is infected with these type personalities whose lives are tied much too closely to the respective sites. They seek reaffirmation from a small cult-like following, and SHOUT DOWN anyone who dares to have a different opinion. Sound like any you know of here?

These type people are EXACTLY why message board software have "ignore" features, which I wholeheartedly endorse, so that we can each enjoy our time online without being bothered by those who have agendas contrary to our own.

I'm sure we all have people in our lives (relative, co-worker, acquaintance, fellow club/organization/church member, etc.) that we prefer to avoid/ignore ... and all of our lives are better for it ... this is no different. I simply will interact with those that I care to, and will avoid/ignore the rest, and encourage others to do the same.

Nothing more ... Nothing less !!!

I agree in part and disagree in part but no matter... it IS a shame that Sadwife didn't get the help she needs.

BTW... I meant no disrespect to you. I just know that despite some of the methods at times, a lot of good is done on this forum.

Best wishes for you, SadWife.

I agree with MR insofar as there are things that are said that are not necessarily the best advice, or even the best intentioned. I just read the other day about someone that was preying on those that just begin to post, telling them to give up.

And that doesn't mean that the advice from people who are here a lot is bad, on the contrary, it is usually good. Just that, in the end, you as an adult have to decide what you think is helpful and what is not.

But we shouldn't be surprised if people give up on this site if they are treated rudely. Almost everyone, if not everyone, comes to this site during a time that is already difficult and emotional.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
— Mother Teresa

The same thing can be said about hurtful words.

No disrespect taken and hope you feel the same. As scott1228 said, we all come here originally under extreme distress, with emotions off the charts, so some level of differences are to be expected. I was simply offering support to LTKramers post and empathy for Sadwife with an explanation of why I felt as I did.

As I said ... Nothing more ... Nothing less !!!

What else should we base our opinions on?

Should we now discount what she posted today about her SIL's part in this?

Frankly if I had been Sadwife, I would have used what I was told here to confront my H and SIL. I would have told my H that based upon what he/they told me, I believe he sexually abused SIL. And further state that until I gathered new information that contradicted that belief I was going to encourage SIL to press charges against him. And if H didn't come forward w/ new info, then I would go to SIL and do exactly as I said.

Perhaps this is what she did?

Sadwife, now that you have more information, I hope you will insist on establishing NC w/ SIL and at least read the books that Dr. Harley has written.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Sadwife. I hope you will reconsider coming back here.

Almost everyone who posts here does so w/ the desire to be helpful.

~ Marsh