Hello, I am new here—your posts have been a great help. Here is my story as brief as I can make it:

My wife and I met via work in 2000 and quickly moved in together. She was 20 and I was 36. In early 2001 we unhappily aborted an unplanned pregnancy. Later that year our age differences got to me and I broke it off for a few months and started dating a woman my own age (I broke it off 3 days after my affair began). We got back together a few months later and proceeded to build what I thought was a great relationship. So by the end of 2002 I proposed and she accepted. No date was set.

As time rolled on my then fiancée began having major problems at work and destroyed some promising businesses. I put up with it since I was in love and wanted to give her chances to do better. (These chances cost me tens of thousands of wasted dollars).

Early 2006 we were planning our wedding for that summer in her home state. I was doing all the phone work—long-distance weddings are NOT easy to do, but I was trying. While in the middle of it all she began acting uncharacteristic and going off to be with friends at odd times. This only happened twice, but I thought it odd.

About 2 weeks later I come home to see her crying. She looks up at me and tells me she is pregnant. I think for a second and ask “Is it mine?” She gives me a nasty look as if to say “How dare you ask that, of course it is” I ask again, and she says “yes, it's yours”. So I say, “fine, we move the wedding up, what's the problem?” Seems she was worried I would want another abortion, which I most certainly would NOT have. We eloped within the next couple of weeks.

Over the next 9 months I was doting over her, going to every prenatal appointment, shopping for all the baby stuff. I was about as involved as the husband could be. The night of the birth I was in the delivery room with her and actively helping with the birth. When our son came out, I had an experience I had never thought possible.

The first 6 months after our son arrived went along fine but after that things started getting difficult. My wife had an accident that made caring for the baby and housework almost impossible, so I found myself trying to do work, and house care and some baby care (I changed as many diapers as she from the start!). Yes, I blew my stack a couple of times, I admit. In turn she said she needed a break from me and went home to mother's for a week in June.

In October she tells me that our son was not mine. She then proceeds to show me DNA tests that proved it. YES! She went to get DNA tests with the OM behind my back. (NOTE: I handled this all amazingly well and there was no violence or threats of any kind, beyond one very restrained slap across her cheek). The OM was an old friend of hers, someone she dated before me. She told me he wants nothing to do with our son, not to worry.

She then told me she was leaving me and going to a friend's place (someone I knew). (I would later find out she went to the OM's place.) The following week she came back for daytime visits to see if we could work things out. By the end of the week she agreed to stay with me on a day by day basis.

During that week I took her for blood work and we found out she had been CHRONICALLY and critically deficient in B vitamins, which is known to be mood altering. As she began talking supplements I could see her brain come back to a much more normal thought-process. As that week progressed she began to feel much better and level.

Still, she wanted to spend time living with the OM, “maybe split weeks?” She wanted our son to grow up knowing him as his father as well. I told her flat out no to both of these things and she could just leave now and end the marriage. She opted to stay as she did not want to do anything that was irreparable, just yet anyway.

The following two weeks we spend every day talking, me trying to find out what the ****** was going on. Aside from some tension over the summer months, I thought we had had 7 years of a really great relationship. She told me she was still in love with me, never in love with OM.

Then one day she tells me something that flattened me: She told me the pregnancy had not be a complete accident, that she had “half” planned it. She had told the OM that she was on the pill. She was NOT on the pill (until this time she had been telling me their condom failed). And the date that they had been together she told me was just after her period. I later find out it was actually later at the height of her fertility (something she says she never thought out). She also admitted that the OM was interested in being in both her life and our son's, but claimed he would stay away at her request.

At this point I lost it and went to her computer to start reading her chat logs. I was again floored. It was all there, everything to see. She had been carrying on with the OM online with talks of getting together for years. (Seems they only every really got together 2 or three times, the first when we were broken up in 2001). But the chat of getting together for sex was all over the place, as was cyber-sex. Worse, the OM was not the only one. There were chats of getting together for sex and more cyber-sex with a number of other men.

FWIW, she seems to have “only” gotten together with the OM and one other man during our time together, a total on 3 or 4 indiscretions across 6 years (I am not trying to minimize this). But the time in-between was filled with chats that would make your skin crawl.

AS OF TODAY: The vitamin therapy has largely balanced her out. She no longer wants the OM in any of our lives, and has not seen or been in contact with him for weeks. We have also begun talking about her experience of being sexually abused as a child, something I had known about. I did not see the connection until I started doing research and have to admit she is a textbook case.

Following the guidelines up here, she has cut herself off from almost all her friends—all male friends and anyone that exhibits questionable behavior. She has taken all of her blogs down (Myspace, etc.) and can only chat with a VERY SHORT list of people including her mother and other “mommy friends”. She is not to answer her cell phone and shows me who calls her.

Despite this, she is admittedly out of touch with what she has done. She knows its bad but is still having trouble grasping its seriousness. She is remorseful, but with obvious limitations. She is making a real effort, but is frequently angry at me for her new limitations. She frequently gives me an attitude as if I had been the cheater.

We have done some couples therapy and she is going 2x week for personal therapy. And this is where we stand. She has read this and okayed its content.

Your thoughts?

are you two still doing therapy?

If not I would find a therapist that has the MB principle or at the very least agrees with this principle. Please stay with counseling.

Are you comfortable with her behavior at this time?

Do you feel that she is trying?

What boundries have you set up for her other then what you have listed?

Thank you for responding DF.

We did therapy and are looking to continue soon. Can't find a MB affiliate near us, but we will find someone.

Yes, I do feel that she is trying, however as stated she is still in a good deal of disconnect/denial of things. She doesn't quite get the severity of her actions on some levels and has yet to make what one would call a heartfelt apology. Certainly nothing like in the movies. Not that I need that, but I do need to know she is sorry—you can't forgive someone until they are sorry for what they have done. Not that I am so eager to forgive right now.

She has given up all her blogs and most online chats friends. She has given me access to view all of these so I can see what has been happening. I read a good chunk of her chat logs, and now reading some of her blog postings. It is all enlightening and showing me things I wish I never saw. She claims most of it is fantasy and untrue. And I can confirm she tells some stories up there that I know 100% to be fictitious, so I can agree that some of the sex-talk with guys is also fantasy time. But it did cross the line into real life at a few points so that blows away the “fantasy” defense for me.

She suggests that I stop reading her blogs now, what are your thoughts? I do not enjoy reading them, but I want to know what happened and what was going on—even if its partially fiction.

She seems to be honoring the boundaries set up, at least from what I can/care to police.

I want to underscore that the chronically low B vitamin level she had is absolutely known to cause all sorts of delusional conditions. So in my mind that covers her for this past 6 months or so. Does it cover her for the conception? I tend to not think so but on the other hand she has been becoming mentally incapable of everyday things over the past few years (hence the business related problems). Since going on the supplementation she has done a 180 degree turnaround.

Perhaps a combination of her childhood abuse issues AND the low mental state combined give her some degree of a pass? I don't know. I don't want to hold her to a cross she is not responsible for, but I do not want to let her off it prematurely either.

WC, welcome to MB. Please familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's concepts for building a marriage. I would say your M has lots of challenges, not the least of which is the great difference in age between you and then OC factor. I am glad you at least found a factor for some of her behavior. What is your plan if OM comes back around or wants to fight for contact with OC?

Hello FF thank you for your reply,

I have been reading a lot of the works up here the past week+ and have become fairly familiar with the recommendations. Many of then were ones I came up with myself before finding this site, but they are obviously far better thought out than I had been able to do myself.

The age difference between us is something of a challenge, but I think far less so today than it was when we first met. After all at this point she is late 20s and I early 40s. Surprisingly not that uncommon.

Yes, my wife does have a number of significant hurdles to overcome. Neither I nor she really know if she can do it, if she can stick to this arrangement (I hope so) or even if she can, if I can stick with it. But we are trying thus far.

One "problem" we have is that we find it almost too easy to fall right back into our great rapport we have had for our relationship. Doing so feels great, but it artificially makes us think all is well for a few minutes. And of course its not.

While she may have some powerful excuses, don't we all? So doesn't the question become "what will she do now?"

As to the OM, my W says he will stay out of the picture as long as she requests it. Which she has. Our child was also born into a marriage, and a year has passed. Unfortunately she had him take a (mail-order) DNA a couple months ago, so that may open the door for litigation. We need to speak with a local expert to find out.

I have absolutely no interest in shared custody of a child. I think a child should have two parents and that is all. Call me old-fashioned but there I be. I *may* be flexible on other points and give her the benefit of the doubt on some things, but if OM were to win partial custody I would leave the relationship. I will not allow her indiscretions to leave me with that type of future.

Since this was our first child I would prefer to take my chances on finding love and family elsewhere. At least that has how I have felt consistently thus far.

I am impressed with the fact that you are being determined on what you want, not being a doormat. Only you will decide when you are becoming one.

Do you think that there has always been some kind of deficeincy in her thinking? besides the illness thats going on now? I'm not trying to be smart, just wondering with the vitamin B thing (which I am not familar with) would be causing permanant effects.

If you can't find an MB affiliate have them read up on this and see if they are open for the challenge, our MC is not affiliated, but goes with it. Sometimes the MC will ask me why or how I have come up with something and once I explain it she agrees and understands. She is good, she calls us both out on our "stuff"

Keep setting boundries and stick to the ones you have set. Tell her that you wouldn't have to read the blogs if things could of been different, but reading them are really so there are no secrets. Have you asked her why she feels the need to write about these fantasy's? Can she tell you about them before she writes about them? or write them out and you read them before she posts them? and you agree or dis-agree to them being posted on the internet? maybe that will keep you on the inside. I think you should be privy to them before anyone else.

Do you feel that she has told you everything? left no stone unturned?

now that you have a thread going keep writing so that others can throw in their 2 cents,,,you will need this

Thank you DF.

As the weeks click by I am doing better—despite the roller-caster effect. I knew from the start that there were so many things going on here there had to be a good chance we would head for divorce. We are still sticking with it thus far, however tenuously at times. I still love her and she me, so we try.

As to always being some deficiency (no problems, I know how you mean it), the more she and I talk the more I would have to answer that question with a yes. I have been reading about the symptoms of child sex abuse survivors and “looseness” is a recurring symptom. I may be fortunate that it only came out in real life 2-3 times in all these years, most of it being played out in text form over the Internet instead.

The B vitamin deficiency obviously impaired her mentally and further removed whatever control she had. And I should mention that we have uncovered more evidence of brain fog going back at least 3 years, so it's reasonable to think it had an effect. Would this have happened had there not been such deficiency? Very hard to say.

The blogs do not contain things that are too-too personal (well, I would have thought differently a while back but from today's perspective...they were the least of my worries). It is the private chats where the action took place. I have been reading the captured logs of these chats and she has been fine with this for the first two weeks. Over the last week she has begun to ask me to stop. Me quoting them or now even just reading them is really bothering her.

I tell her that I am learning and they have helped us get to this point, which is true. They have helped correct her very faulty memory and helped answer some very important questions. But she feels they are reminding her of a part of herself she is very uncomfortable with and that I am hitting her over the head with them (I am some, but not as much as she feels it). She feels it is doing some bad things to her mentally and driving space between us. She has gotten to the point this evening of telling me if I don't stop reading them she would think about leaving. She asked me to delete them as well.

Any thoughts?

I might be missing something, but what are these blogs on?

Are they a personal journal?

What or who besides the blogs is she still talking/writing to?

Hey DF,

Yes, personal blogs, political, basically anything she felt like writing about. But she had a few hundred regular readers. I have recently learned that they blogs would occasionally slide off and touch noses with the secret world, since many of her dalliances read the blog. I, for whatever my reasons, never did.

The blogs are now gone. Her shortlist of people to correspond with are her mom and a couple of mommy friends.

ok,,,if she is not writing anymore to strangers, only to her mom and a group of mommies are you worried about those?

try not to beat her up about the other "bad" blogs,,,that won't help at this point. IMHO

I am thinking that your W is giving you access to all of her things, right? cell phone, puter,,etc...right?

I would keep up with all that for sure.

what is you MC status?

Hello All,

I just wanted to stop in and thank you again for the help you offered me and my wife a couple of months ago. The doctor's all now feel the situation was almost entirely chemically based and due to a severe imbalance that has been corrected.

She has once again become the person I used to know and is doing her best at making things right.

Granted, that doesn't fix everything overnight, and there are still things to deal with, of course. But the stability it puts back is welcomed.

We will still be reading up here and learning more about how to deal with the situation. Thanks again!