I was married to my second wife for 5 years before she walked out and filed for a divorce. Most of our issues were blended family issues dealing with her two children, my two children and the stress that goes along with a blended family. Nine months after she walked out and after the divorce was final, she contacted me telling me that she made the biggest mistake of her life by leaving. I was very leery, I just figured she had run out of the money that she had received from the divorce settlement or she had found out that I had started dating someone. I decided to meet her and shortly after we started dating. I told her that we needed to leave sex out of the equation for a while until we could see how things were going. Well, she was not happy with that and that idea did not last for very long. Now some four months later she is telling me that she has been feeling guilty for having premarital sex and there is to be no more unless we are married. According to the Bible we had no grounds for divorce to begin with. I’m very messed up over this because affection & sex are high up on my emotional needs list. I almost feel as if this is her way to pressure us back into getting re-married and for the wrong reasons. My goodness we were married for 5 years, we had no Biblical grounds for getting divorced, to make love together for four months after getting back together and then to just say… “nope, no more” is cruel in my book. Am I just being a typical male? Should sex be that important to me? I don’t know, but once again I feel as if I’m not wanted.

Have her give you all the money you lost when she abandoned you now.

No, she's changing the rules half way through. I think this is odd myself. Did your ex-wife have major religious conversion of some sort? Or is it only about sex that her opinion changed?

I'd tread carefully here. You may not need to end the relationship, but I'd pull back in other ways too. If sex is a level of intimacy reserved for marriage, so are other things as well.

I'm just wondering if she's using religion as an excuse to pull back.

I don't think you are "not wanted". She just wants to change the terms.
It reeks to me of manipulation...that she gave you a taste counting on you wanting more -- then upped the stakes for getting more. To me, she wants MORE of you, not less...

But on the other hand, why was it OK for you to say no sex (even though your boundry caved), but not OK for her to say no sex?

And I'm a little confused. When you say you had no grounds for divorce, do you mean you didn't want a divorce? Do you not want to be married to her? You mentioned the wrong reasons....what do you mean by that? You had all the right reasons to get married before, I assume. What is wrong about the situtaion now?

We are both involved in Church and we both try to walk the Christian walk. What I said was; there was no Biblical grounds for divorce, no adultery, etc. According to God's law there were no grounds for divorce, but with man's law we have that great No Fault Divorce clause which gives everyone an easy out.

For her sake and mine, I did not want to jump right back in bed together. We had been apart for nine months and we both needed time to figure out if this is what we wanted before sex was involved. But now after dating and making love for nearly 5 months, she all of a sudden says "I'm feeling guilty over premarital sex. My flesh was weak and we should not have given in to our flesh. No more!"

I know were are not legally still married, but come on.

Wrong reasons: She is a single mother of 2, I'm not rich but I do have a pretty high income. She walked out with $20k cash, a new SUV paid in full, and some furniture. Remember, we have no kids together and this was only a 5 year marriage. She has lied to me in the past, so there are some trust issues.

I love her, but I'm not ready to jump right back into a marriage until I know for sure it's the right thing for all involved.

It's not all about sex, but affection and sex are pretty high up on my list and I see this making us fall further apart and not bringing us closer together like she hopes.

It's funny because I can argue both sides. Premarital sex is not right and should be saved for marriage. But on the other hand... we were married for 5 years and really had no Biblical grounds for divorce. So according to God's law we never divorced, only according to man's law.

I'm lost at what to do....I keep telling myself to give it time and things will work itself out. that true intentions will be revealed in time.

Oh well.... thanks for the feedback.

Yep, she's leveraging you.

She's only looking for a paycheck now.

My wifey tried the God card oon me to justify her adultery.

Well, she may not be looking just for money. But, I think I'd sit back and see what happens.

I'm still concerned that she had this revelation about post-divorce sex after 4 months. Sound is rotten in Denmark. It may just be that she's remembering why she walked out the door in the first place. Some of those unresolved issues may be resurfacing. Or it could be she's manipulating you because she wants all the perqs of being your wife without waiting for you to trust her fully again.

Or it could be she really finds sex without marriage guilt inducing.

Just an aside, my girlfriend started dating her ex. They conceived a child. Since the Roman Catholic church didn't recognize their divorce, they were able to get the baby baptised in the church even though they are legally divorced. The two of them are living happily in a bizarre land of legally divorced and spiritually married. It seems to prevent them from taking each other for granted. LOL.

She sounds quite bipolar to me.

One moment she does want to get it on, the next she doesn't
One moment she hates you enough to violate the sanctity of marriage and divorces you, the next she thinks she made the biggest mistake of her life blah blah.

Dude, you do realize that while it is a proven fact that all women are completely crazy, some are less crazy than others?

I know you have history, and probably care for her deeply, but if you want my opinion she is using you for either: money, affection, sex, stability, companionship, or all of the above in any combination. If you find that acceptable and can put up with her craziness, then by all means press on with your bad self.
But if you feel you can't handle it, I would consider finding a less crazy woman.

And at this point, God has nothing to do with it. She slept with you for 5 months before having this "epiphany", before that she ABANDONED and DIVORCED you. No my friend, her religious principles are not making these decisions for her. They just seem like a convenient excuse to get what she wants.

I could only hope my wifey tries something like this.

The payback would be legendary.

"She sounds quite bipolar to me."

I'm beginning to wonder......

One minute I'm this terrible control freak monster.
Nine months later, I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

One minute, stay the night we dont have kids tonight.
Later, no more until married.

One Minute, I'll never ever leave you again....
later, That's it...

ARG! This is crazy I tell ya, enough to drive one mad.

Tibolt;



And you have trouble with women? wow. imagine that.

Oh, come on Lexxxxy, you know to men we are incomprehensible. They can't help it, the poor dears.

lol...believe me I am not offended.


Ranman -- what were the "causes" of your divorce? Did you agree to it?

Wow, that sounds so familiar. I could write a very long reply but I think I'm going to wait on that for a bit.

My gut tells me that the situation is unhealthy and her motives are not what she claims them to be.

My *opinion* on this is that you should tell her that you still carry some pain from the divorce and while you care very much for her and do hope perhaps one day that the two of you can work things out and be reconciled that you want to take it slow, one day at a time. Make it non negotiatable. Don't let your emotions rush you back into it. I would also insist that the two of you go through counseling at church.

The two of you need to explore exactly why it was the marriage failed in the first place and figure out how you will get past that without a repeat of the prior split up.

Chances are, if her motives are what I suspect they are, she won't stick around very long.

Yall are nuts and you know it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

takes one to know one

mlhb

ranman, I might be dating her sister! One minute I am a champ and she can't keep her hands off me. Then I do something wrong (not always sure what it is) and I am a bum who is taking advantage of her.

Women sometimes wonder why men are focused just on sex. Maybe, it's because they get tire of the emotional roller coaster that they put us through.

Sometimes, I think FWB is the best thing for us older guys who have already raised our kids.

you just have not met the right woman yet...

and men can take women on emotional roller coaster rides as well trust me. it is NOT gender specific.

mlhb

I love her, but I'm not ready to jump right back into a marriage until I know for sure it's the right thing for all involved.

But you are ok with jumping in the sack with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

This makes no sense..

You told her NO to sex initially...

That didn't last long and sex was happening...

Now she is saying NO to sex....

And you want it because it is high on your EN list...


Why can't YOU go back to what you said earlier about sex NOT happening?

AND...imho, walking the Christian Walk means NO premarital sex...you are no longer married and you cannot use the Bible as justification (as in no Biblical grounds for divorce) in getting you some.

Be morally right and ethical in ALL facets.

committed

Here is what I am having to deal with:

One minute she hated me enough to divorce me & totally bash me to anyone who would listen, all the way down to her hair dresser. Later, she made the biggest mistake ever and she does In fact love me.

One minute she is telling me that she is here for the long haul and would never ever leave or hurt me again. She has threatened to bail out three times since then.

One minute she is telling me that she is an open book. I ask about settlement or insurance money and I get it’s none of your business we are not married. She got $20K cash + more

One minute She wants to make love to me every day. Later, She tells me it was a mistake and we are not to make love anymore until married.

One minute she is telling her doctor that Xanax and valium are not an option. Later, it’s OK if it’s only at night.

One minute she wants to get remarried as soon as possible. Later, she is no where ready to get married.

One minute it’s "I’m here for you". Later, it’s "well I wish I could have been there for you." My Dad was dieing of cancer when she walked out, it was one year ago last Friday when he died. Last week was a hard week, and I did not see her at all during the week and she works 2 miles from where I work.

One minute she wants to see me as often as she can. Later I can hardly get her to answer the phone or an email.

I have lost 5 family members in the last year including my Father to cancer. My wife walked out on me two weeks before my father passed away. I have had enough hurt and drama and really do not need these head games being played.

At this point I do not know her true intentions.... All I hear is that she does not have the money for this and that, how her daughter does not have insurance and we need to hurry and get remarried. Once she has found out that I'm not going to jump right back into a marriage things have gotten cold... I just dont see the love from her that I so desperately wanted and needed. I feel as if she needs me and not wants / loves me. I have 2 kids of my own and I have to protect them as well from getting hurt again.