I am very new to this, my WH began his emotional affair, which is beginning to turn physical(I think they will havs sex this weekend), back in July. Since then he has been lying to me about her and lying to her about me. She thinks he asked me for a divorce on 10/1/07. He has not directly asked me, but has hinted strongly that we are headed in that direction. He is in the process of moving out and tonight he will be in his new apartment. He is planning to spend the entire weekend with her in his new apt. I know this because I have access to emails. He has lied to her about so many things in his life, many of the lies seem to be designed to make him self look better or to garner sympathy from her. I think she has been reluctant to get involved with a married man, so he has made sure she knows he is getting divorced. I am now referred to as the ex. She seems to be in love with him but I am not sure if he is. She says that once she is with him she will not be able to leave him. He has told me that she can see in to his soul and has also told me that she feels like a drug to him. He says he understands what he is walking away from (me and the kids, but that he has been very unhappy the last few years. He also tells me that he is unhappy with who is and that he is scared and not doing well. But I do not know what to believe. I just need some advice. I will be meeting with an attorney on 12/4. I do not believe that he has met with one yet. How do you go on fighting for the marriage when it seems so clear the other person has checked out? I have been trying the Plan A tactics with a few slip ups here and there. But it seems like a waste of time. Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially where the lies to her are concerned. Thanks

Have you exposed the affair? Have you contacted the OW and told her the truth?

No. I just don't think I can do that. I think that he would be able to make her think that I am crazy because of the divorce and she would believe him. I know that is what every says to do, but I think he would talk his way out of all of it and then hate me for it. Our marriage was not all that great for the past 2 years, so part of me believes him when he says he has been unhappy.

I see, so you really haven't done anything to save your marriage. If you don't think you can expose the affair, I would just go ahead with the divorce and move on.

Babs, this is an outline of what Plan A means:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

He knows that I know about the affair, I just haven't contacted her.

Have you exposed the affair?

(((((babs)))))

It really, really hurts when you have to read such lies being told about you. Do not take it to heart. He is not your H now, he is a WH. This is almost verbatim the same things I read about me & that he said about me.

You can bet that they've already been sleeping together. These things escalate lightning-quick.

You MUST expose the A immediately. Gather all of your evidence and be sure to make copies and hide them in a safe location. You need to contact HR where he works but you need to do this IN WRITING.

Keep working Plan A until you are advised otherwise by others here on the board.

Hang in there, babs, it gets better. It really does.

But you need to protect yourself. Get any money out of any account you can right now. DO NOT WAIT!

Is there any way you can see a lawyer sooner than this so you can get yourself and your children some protection?

This part will be very painful because he will do things like take all of your money, max out your cards and/or have them canceled, etc. Try not to take this to heart. He is not a rational human right now. He's an alien.

Have I exposed it to who?

He told me last week that he was planning on committing adultery and if I was uncomfortable with that we could get a divorce and then get remarried if things worked out.

If I let her know that he is lying, he will know that I read his emails. These are his work emails.

How can I tell that he is done with me for sure??

Babs:

About this:

"She thinks he asked me for a divorce on 10/1/07"

and this:

"many of the lies seem to be designed to make him self look better or to garner sympathy from her"

And then this:

"I think she has been reluctant to get involved with a married man"

You have her email address.

Send her an email. With a picture of you, the kids and WH.

IN THE email, state the following:

He has not asked me to get divorced, as a matter os fact, WE haven't ever discussed it.

Address the areas that he made him look better than he actually is.

Did he overstate how much money he was making?
How caring he was for his children?
How awful you were?
Etc?

Address them, in simple, clear sentences.

OW, WH stated that he makes 100k a year. He only makes 50k, and after spousal support and child support, it will be about 20k.

OW, WH also stated that he goes to the kids activities. No, he hasn't since 2004.

OW, I'm really not that bad, But I AM fighting to keep my family together.

Etc.

Simple and to the point sentences.

And then send THAT to her. It doesn't not need to be longer than 20-25 lines.

But it will destroy the fantasy that WH has tried to construct with OW.

If you have access to the email, and you sense her reluctance, than YOU SHOULD use that to your advantage.

Then, Tell everyone one else on the exposure list about what WH is about to do.

Friends, Family and Co-workers of WH and OW.

My wh and OW are involved in an emotional affair that has progressed much farther than any relationship should between a married man and another woman besides the wife.

I intend to fight to keep my marriage intact, and I would like you to support me in my efforts to do so.

PLEase call me at xxx-xxxx to discuss any questions you may have.

Others here can provide a better script.

But you NEED to send the Email to the OW. Because if you do not, your WH will just tell her, "She already knows, she even helped me MOVE, she's OK with this, do you like to color of the sheets on the bed?"

And your WH WILL SPIN This to the OW. So WHAT. THe truth triumphs over SPIN all the time.

IT's time to get the TRUTH out there.

Let them SPIN from that. Not the OTHER WAY AROUND.

And your WH will be FURIOUS! "HOW COULD YOU!" or "THAT's THE last straw!" or "How could you BETRAY ME like THAT!"

Isn't that last one great! I would answer: "Well, I could try to sleep with other MEN to betray you like you did to me! I just told everyone what you were doing.

This road is hard. But the walk down it, if successful, is worth it.

LG

Anyone that may have influence on him-- family, friends, pastors, bosses, children. You're not doing it to be vengeful, you're doing it to kill the affair.

Have you read up on the articles on this site?

Do you WANT to save your marriage?

(((Babs)))

To his parents, your parents, the OW's parents, Human Resources if a workplace affair, close friends, siblings, pastor, etc. Any key people in your lives to whom exposure would make a difference.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them causes great damage to the affair.


Wow, whyever would he imagine you would be "uncomfortable" with his adultery? How caring of him to ask! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I would tell her in a way that does not reveal your source. Simply tell her that you do not want a D, will not participate in a D and that she would never be allowed exposure to your children. Let her know you will fight for your marriage.


you can't predict the future so don't even try.

Hi Babs,
You and I could be twins. I know what you are going through. My world shattered not that long ago so I am not one to give advice but everything you said is almost what is happening to me.

If you are worried that the advice you are getting on this board maynot hold water, don't be. I have just begun plan A and although it hasn't been long and I have only seen my WS a few minutes here and there I can't say it's making changes in him, but it will plant the seed in his mind that I am making changes in myself.(I threw him out in a fit of rage when I read the emails that said he never loved me and this was the first time he ever felt in love, hurt me real baaaad).

As far as exposing: EVERYONE must know. Tell the boss, tell the neighbors, tell his friends, tell the grocery store clerk if you want, expose to EVERYONE. This way it's not 'his' secret anymore. Why wouldn't he want everyone to know about her? He's getting an apartment with her, right?
Because secrets are more thrilling and exciting then old news.

Saving this M is going to be a hard road. I'm willing to take that road, if you truly love your husband you should too.

Everyone on this board will help you if you let them.

Mitzie

Agree with what everyone else is saying. Expose to anyone that matters to him and the OW. Do it right away. Don't worry if the OW believes it or not.

Listen to people here...they have been there and got the t-shirt... EXPOSE!!!!

I can tell you from personal point of view it was one of the hardest things I ever did but once I did it I felt as if the affair had been damaged not right away but it had been infected with something that would stay with it forever. We ended up getting D'd because I was unable to plan B due to wanting to gain custody of our son, which I did. Well lo and behold almost two years to the date the affair started for my ex WW and POS OM she tells me "Please forgive me, you will never ever know how sorry I am for everything". This was a few weeks ago and just this past week she asks me "would you be willing to give us another chance"?

I don't know the answer right now for sure but I do know that the tiny infection of exposure planted way back there had a devestating effect on their little fantasy.

Babs, I did not expose. I hid myself away for shame. We are divorced.

Exposure is the way to go. A nice neat "just the facts, Ma'am" communication with proof attached, to the HR department, and any friends/neighbors/relatives whose opinion matters to your H.