Some days I wonder if I am really ok, and would just like feedback I suppose. Here's my story: My WH had an affair for three and one-half years before I found concrete evidence and confronted him about it 15 weeks, 4 days, 4 hours ago (but who's counting!). The D-Day was one day before our 6th anniversary, and one week before my 54th birthday. Great timing. Being the supersleuth that I am, and having suspected it was going on for awhile but trying to deny it, I found the OW's name, address, phone number, and email address. I sent her an email and gave her 24 hours to contact me; otherwise I would contact OWH. She did not respond. I called OWH and let him in on what was going on. OW has been married for 29 YEARS. OW and WH claimed it was "just friendship", only slept together twice (at our beach condo I learned later), and the sexual side of the affair had been over for "over a year and a half" and they were just friends. The email I found had lots of emotion in it from both sides, lots of I love you's, can't wait to be with you's etc. They claimed an affair of only a year or so, later made them admit that it had been almost four years. Monthly lunches and get togethers, daily phone conversations (10-12 hours a month on the phone), lots of IM's and emails, etc. He promised no contact within a week of my uncovering the affair, and within 3 hours, had sent her another email. I confronted WH, OW, and OWH again, and said NO Contact means NO contact. Now he says he has not spoken or communicated with her (even by 'skywriting' ha ha) since the end of July.

I am so angry and there are days I want revenge - she is a teacher! She should not be working with children! Between Sexual Encounter # 1 and #2, she sent my husband 6-8 very provocative, pornographic pictures of her nude. I found them too, and think about those pictures every day and every night. I am sleeping a little better, and eating a little better. The good news is I've lost 20 pounds (and wasn't overweight to begin with). I want to go to her High School and let the principal know. I even researched filing a lawsuit against her for sending pornography through email, for lewd and lascivious behavior, for alienation of affection (but my state abolished that law). So far I have not done these things, but boy some of them sure sound enticing. Meanwhile OW and OWH are in counseling, their life according to OWH is so much better, she is recommitted to him, "it" only happened once or twice (the sex ... is he naive or what? The affair was almost four years!).

Where are we today? MB just two weeks ago, trying to work things out. I think WH is trying to be honest, but refuses to admit a lot or to even discuss it. WH has problem with alcohol too. He, of course, says "You were never there for me" although I know I am not 100% innocent and could have done lots of things better, I look back at our trips, our recreational time spent together at hockey, football, boating, etc., and see lots of positives, he sees nothing but negatives. And, of course, it is all my fault. I have completed the personal history questionnaire, we are trying to negotiate time together, etc., but I just don't trust him, don't think he is telling me the truth, etc. I learned during the sleuthing that he had "secret" email accounts (6 of them), had had affairs when he was married before according to the XW, had "secret cash" everywhere, etc. He has not completed personal history questionnaire, has not tried to plan our 15 hours a week together. We have been to a marriage counselor (before MBW) and he told counselor "If she had just not found out, everything would be ok", the affair "would have died its own death when OW retired from teaching this year and traveled with her husband", etc. Is that denial or what? He just wishes things "were the way they were before I found out"!

I am angry, and trying to control emotional outbursts, anger, etc. How can I trust him if he won't discuss it, won't be honest. He says the "stress" is too much. I am considering asking him (seriously as I have 'asked' before) to move to our condo ("the love nest"), but after reading lots of discussion on MB, it seems that separation is not often recommended.

I'm still confused about what I "should be doing". I am reading SAA, and plan to start working on HNHN. We are trying to follow POJA. Is there anything else to do? Should I just put my feelings on hold, not talk about anything if it is not positive etc? We cannot agree on anything, discuss anything unless it ends up in an argument. He won't even consider changing his AOL account name/IM account name. He won't even consider selling the condo/love nest (which I can't stand anymore and which was mine before we got married). The sad thing is, I am madly in love with this guy and always have been. We've built wonderful businesses together, his two children are off at college; one of my children is off at college and we only have one (of mine) left at home (16 yo). We travel, we spend recreational time together (always have); we don't have to worry about financial issues, and life really was "great"??? I am lost, confused, angry, sad, depressed (on meds). Meanwhile, my friends and family and children think I am being a door mat, taking verbal and physical abuse (only once), and can't understand why I don't just demand a divorce! Is there more I should do?
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I'm very new here myself. So maybe I'm not in tune to the way others think. But I will say this. There are obviously some major problems in your marraige. And unless BOTH OF YOU are committed to fixing them, I don't see a positive outcome.

As it stands now, it looks like you're the only one willing to salvage your mariage. And you're frustrated at his apparent lack of interest. Maybe it's time to give him an ultimatum.

Good luck to you.

I agree that there may be better suited members here to help you. I am going to give you my best analysis here.

1. Do they work together? If you said that in your post I must of missed it. If they do he needs to change jobs.
2. you do need to expose it, bring it out.
3. I am not convinced that they have ended it.
4. He is for sure still in the "infidelity fog"
5. He dosen't want to talk about it because he wants to do it his way, tell him its YOUR way and you are talking.
6. I believe he is lying to you still.
7. Find a counselor that has THIS way of counseling or at least agrees with this way.

Thank you both for posting.
1. We do work together (self-employed) in various business (me-private schools/owner; WH commercial developer); we must interact together in business, but there's where we have NO problems communicating, using POJA, etc. We do fine in business, just not personal. (And we don't have to work side by side each day.)
2. Thank you for agreeing. I've talked to my children, his children, the OW, the OWH, our friends, his friends, his XW, and anyone else (except his SM/F). He was furious!
3. I am with you here....He has not shown any of what I've read about here on MB forum or in the MBWorkshop (depression, sadness etc and this lasted almost four years). So I don't really think they have stopped the affair (but argue with myself all the time as he claims there has been NC since July).
4. I'm going to read up on the infidelity fog, but I'm sure that's where he is.
5. EVERYTHING is HIS WAY. He's the "big dog".
6. I agree he is still lying although he says he is not, that he is following HONESTY, but he has lied for years.
7. I think I'm going to try the MB counselors and see if I can keep trying to get him to work on lessons, POJA, LB, etc.
I just really love him and want it to work if possible. I'm hoping MB is the answer.
Thanks for responding.

I was wondering if him and the OW worked together? if so that needs to stop now.

get a counselor ASAP, that is the best place to start, but get one that agrees with "coming clean" he needs to tell it all and answer any and all questions that you have, no matter how simplistic or detailed, answer everything!

You need to find out if H is still seeing OW, I would hire an investigator (a detective), the reason that this is important and I am sure you know this, it will just waste alot of your time and money if H is still seeing OW. For now, I would assume that he is. I just can't believe that after that amount of years he just gave OW up just like that. sounds like he is pacifying you, I could be wrong. There are many threads on here about being your own PI, check those out, if money is tight (like it is for most of us) then you might want to do this yourself. check phone records, put key logger on puter etc. there are lots of stuff you can do.

Have you checked out the plans? plan A plan B, if not you need to check those out.

You need to stand up for yourself, you have been a doormat for to long, this is why he knows that he can ignore it and not talk to you about it, H knows that you won't push and make it happen. Go get ready and go to battle for yourself.