Well, WH just left. Said he wanted to come home. Tears in his eyes and all. I told him he could only come home if he broke off all contact with the homewrecker. He didn't say anything, just left.

He seems so sincere. Now I feel guilty about including those e-mails in the OUT work letter. Of course I know they weren't written by my H but by WH. My H is a man who wants respect from other people (don't we all?) and he is going to be embarased and MAD. Rightfully so, for what he's doing.

Should I expect him to feel hate towards me, and tell me he doesn't want anything else to do with me? I guess I'm expecting an "I WAS going to come back, but YOU blew it so now I'm not" type deal. Where do I go from there? I know if something along those lines are said that he never really was sincere in wanting to come back

Just want to know what to prepare myself for from him.

I know many of you have been down that road, so help me please.

NO, don't feel guilty about this! You did the right thing.

Have you ever seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers? The Thing? Dreamcatcher? The movie with Roddy Piper...best line, "I came to kick a** and chew bubble gum & I'm all out of bubble gum?"

This is your H now. He has been taken over by an alien force. Trust nothing he says.

I know it's hard because you want to believe that they are still in there and indeed, you do see glimpses of them from time to time. This is something I had a lot of trouble grasping, even though I endured the infidelity abuse of H for months.

They are in there but they are so under the influence of their drug of choice, the OW, that there's no reasoning with them at this point. You must protect yourself.

Make sure you have copies of their correspondence in case you need it to show others. Keep copies at someone else's home...anyplace your H won't have access.

{{{mitzie}}}

He may have seemed sincere, but his actions said otherwise. Sounds like he still needs a large dose of reality, and the exposure will help with that.

Hang in there. Tough love stinks sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks. I wish I could just wake up and this bad dream will be over. He has agreed to M counseling. I go to a Marriage/family therapist now. I really like him and I think he could help. Does counseling really, really help at all? I am afraid he is only agreeing as part of his (sick) plan with the OW.

When you speak of him as an Alien, that helps.

When you say 'tough love' I remeber my parents having to put that into effect with my sister who was involved with a guy in high school. He was a bad seed. She was (I beleive now) addicted to him. She became someone we didn't know, we thought she was on drugs (she wasn't) she defended him to the ends of the earth. Finally, my parents had to let her go. It took ten years, and lots of tears to get her back. My mom has past, I'm sure she could've given me some good advice on tough love.

I did call him out on the two new cell phones he has purchased. I asked him why he lied about having them when I inquired a few days ago(at that time i just suspected because he wasn't too concerned about the one he had) He seemed shocked that I knew, and wanted to know how I knew. I said nothing. I feel he hasn't any right to an answer. I wanted to press on about them, how long has he had them and such, but right now I am so confused, I don't know HOW far to go. I don't want to sound like an interrigator.

Well, I would get very, very busy trying to make changes to meet his top emotional needs. Work on the spending money thing, keeping the home spotless, and whatever else you think is important to him.

When he finds out that you exposed at work, he will be FURIOUS, and tell you that this is the last straw, he was going to work on the marriage, but now he wants a divorce, you are crazy, it was not your business, you went about it the wrong way, how could you do this to the poor OW, and my personal favorite, he will never trust you again.

In reply, you tell him that you will do what it takes to save the marriage.

You know he is cheating, so I wouldn't press about anything else you find out - ie the phones. When he is around, you want to entice him back, with you being the better choice. So your home should be sparkling clean, you need to be looking good, and be cheerful and upbeat.

Well, if it's any indication, me and spouse went to see a MC and she concluded separation was imminent. She was right, but we are now BOTH working towards recovery. This, because of the MB we have been both following (well mostly me, but S is coming around).

mitzie,

Over and overagain WS's tell their BSs the same thing - "Now you've done it! I was going to work on the marriage but I can never trust you again." and variations.

I've seen it on the Boards through theyears.

They sputter and spit, cuss and yell, sulk and hide. Rant and rave.

If you do MC without exposure and ending the affair, including NC in effect, here is what you can expect, from my own personal history:

Your WS will be in contact with his OP while on the way to the counselor's office. Fresh from a fix from their BestFriend or Soulmate or whatever they call them, they will not even want to look at your or participate in the counseling. They will be sullen until the last minute, and as you are both walking out the door after your 50 minute hour, they will toss out some outragreous comment. Yes, when it is too late to challenge it in therapy, when you have another 7 days to stew over the darn lie, they will drop their molten lava lie in your lap, on your toe.

They then get into their car, get BACK on the phone with BestFriend/Soulmate, and they say they've done their part. After all, didn't they go to counseling?

Do it the MB way. No need to feel guilty. You are putting medicine on the wound, killing the infection.

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that a WS could not see the hypocrasy in this statement. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

When I experienced a version of this phrase, I was dumbfounded, too. NOW, I know it's just a way to attempt to control me; to keep me from exposing any further, and to keep me from BUSTING up FWH's affair. My only wish, is that I would have done it all SOONER.

Mitzie,

You just posted this:

""Well, WH just left. Said he wanted to come home. Tears in his eyes and all. I told him he could only come home if he broke off all contact with the homewrecker. He didn't say anything, just left.""

And you posted this last week:

""Last night my usually unemotional WH said he wanted to come back, this was his home. (tears in his eyes). This morning he came by to tell he was through with OW. The OW didn't want an on again off again relationship, so they ended it.""

Your boy sure knows how to push your buttons with the waterworks!!

Remember this is the guy with the tears in his eyes that you told us:

""The first message was a text to the homewrecker: I LOVE YOU. Sent no more than 2 minutes before he walked into my house!""

Then you just now say:

""He seems so sincere.""

SNAP OUT OF IT!!

This person you see before you is the alien still in control, trying to control you. Harden your heart to this ALIEN!!

Let the exposure kill the A, and feel no guilt for doing it.

Remember, you must take all the pills in the prescription to kill the infection. Don't stop taking the pills when you think you are starting to feel better. This will only make the bacteria stronger and resistant to further treatment.

Hope that analogy works for ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

kirk