I remember that you went right up to the point of having your home for sale before you recovered your marriage. But I forget the details.

ChaiLover has been married 30 years, the home is SOLD, and she is in Plan B. She is wondering whether to break Plan B to go to the home while he is packing. His job is away from the area, and she is afraid she may not see him again.

I just don't recall what you did.

I'm sorry I don't know C Lover's Full Story but I would recommend for her NOT to break PLAN B. I regret any time that I did that 'cause I think that set me back in the Recovery process.

On the day that I sold our house, my H called me and said: "What about us?". I proceeded with trying to find a house of MY OWN and he found the house that we now live in...literally almost begging me to RECONCILE...he took the sale of the house (which he tried to prevent) as well as my work with a realtor to mean that I was moving on..he NEVER came and got HIS STUFF..left a full closet of clothes...which I moved to this house with me..before Recovery...LONG STORY..but I'm a firm believer in NOT BREAKING PLAN B...

I'll let her know. She has been trying to contact Jennifer. Her hubby threatened not to pick up his things, but changed his mind. But he is being uncooperative in helping get everything out of the sold house.

Thanks!

Actually keeping his things proved to be important...that was HIS CONNECTION with me.

I learned that the OW continually HARASSED him, LBed about him not getting the THINGS because she knew that was his CONNECTION to me and his past life.

Mimi,

I am in Plan B, but no official letter was ever sent. I haven't spoken or see my WH since October 12th. He has emailed me twice, that I didn't respond too. Last weekend he tried to initiate conversations on gmail, but I didn't respond and got off quickly.

Two weeks ago, I sent him an email because my DD took off and he needed to know she was safe. I asked him one question and didn't respond to his a$$ answer.

Our family didn't recognize his birthday and he retaliated in his own way by the games. I didn't respond at all.

I have been shorted 50.00 for the past two weeks on his paycheck and I was going to send an email to a friend and have him forward it onto WH.

Tonight I received this email and need some guidance on what to do.

BS
What is going on with DS? He said the Dr is sending him to rehab. But he dosnt know when or where. Is there anything I can do to help? Does he need rides or anything that I can do? Mike also said that they wont reevaluate until January. Then if they need they would operate. If they wait DS will loose this season. Should it be done now? You need to respond and keep me in the loop please.
WH

What do you think? I have to say this is absolutely the first time since this whole mess started that he offered to help or even asked about someone else. I don't want to blow anything at this point.

Thanks,
SG
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

If you haven't sent THE LETTER, you are not in PLAN B. THE LETTER is an ESSENTIAL aspect of PLAN B. PLAN B should be followed STRICTLY in order to be effective. Of course, no one is PERFECT and there are slips but THERE HAS TO BE A LETTER!! IMO, it's like you are IGNORING your WH but that is not PLAN B...

That being said, you are in PLAN A and should continue with PLAN A..which should end on a POSITIVE NOTE....

So begin talking to him and PARENTING with him..that's meets an important EMOTIONAL NEED...that the OW cannot meet given that she is not the mother of his children..they HATE that...

If I were you, I would Email him and ask him to call you.

That's my opinion but, of course, I don't know your whole story..BUT you are most definitely NOT IN PLAN B...

Mimi,

The only other bit of information that I would think is important is he lives with OW. And my WH is in a spiritual battle for his life. One thing G-d told me to do was stay out of his way. I honestly don't want to mess with G-d, but I understand your logic on what you are saying.

So, I guess I could parent and get in Plan A and then send a Plan B letter? Just on the spurr or should something happen to facilitate it?

Sorry for the questions,

SG

Mimi - one other thing to note.

WH has pretty much severed relationships with me, and his two older kids. He doesn't call them and only emails my younger son back when son sends an email.

Does that make a difference in this?

SG

Did you do PLAN A? PLAN A comes before PLAN B.

It doesn't matter if he's living with the OW or not.

Of course, he's in a SPIRITUAL BATTLE..he's ruled by the forces of EVIL given that he has abandoned his family and is living with another woman.

But the GOD I serve, Skin, HATES DIVORCE and put you and your H together until DEATH do you part..LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER...

Do you mean stay out of GOD'S WAY or your H's WAY?

You are not getting in GOD'S WAY by fighting for your marriage. GOD is right there with you, hon...

What worked for ME was to FOCUS ON MYSELF and what I could do..you can't fight his spiritual battle or help him with it..you can't control whether or not he lives with the other woman or not..YOU CAN ENGAGE IN CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM about YOUR CHILDREN..the children that you TWO conceived....

Mimi.. I hate to jump in here, but I've read a lot of your posts to other people and respect your opinions.

I've also been talking with Skinsgal a lot about her sitch, and I'd just like to say.. defer to Mimi's advice here.

Harley recommended a modified plan B for me given that I have to interact with her about the kids, we're in the middle of -her- plan D, and a custody battle, so I'm having to be very careful.

I think I might have some Plan A left in me.. and to be honest, the first two months after D-Day I LB'd a -lot- and kinda sucked at Plan A the first try.. if it really was a try at all.. she was out of the house so I kinda gave up on it.. She's been reaching out on occasion via email and by phone to ask questions she -knows- the answers to.

The twist is.. she's keeping me from seeing DSD who I have pretty much been the only father in her life for the last 3 years.. I had occasion to see her for the first time in almost 3 months on Wednesday and it was clear to me that my WW was lying about DSD being -mad- at me.. but DSD -has- been telling people at school that 'Mommy says he's not my daddy anymore'...

Should I press at this point, and how would I go about approaching the subject of having her send DSD with DS on my visitation days (She ended up with custody of DS in the provisional orders *mutter*)?

How would you suggest doing a Plan A to a mostly hostile, out-of-the-house wayward? Do I always wait till she initiates contact? I -think- I'm seeing the illusion of Affairland cracking but can't be sure of course..

She seems to get drawn into email discussions, not so much face to face.. she can't really handle in person discussions about anything lately and always has one of -his- family around when we do see eachother (probably to do documentation etc).. But the second anything seems to remind her of anything good between the two of us, or if I mention doing things with/for the kids the claws come out.. now it hasn't happened in the last two exchanges this week.. but it's like she draws closer.. guilt gets triggered and her reaction is to lash out.. is this normal?

Mimi,

I did a Plan A for 3 months which seemed to be working really well. H was present more often and commented on the changes, plus him and OW were having severe problems. It was even at that point that H told me he was coming home and to look for a house for us to move in. We had to sell our house for financial reasons. Unfortunately WH reappeared stronger than ever and recommited himself to crack addict and moved in with OW to their own home and the boys and I moved into our own apt. That move was so painful as well as WH doing some very cruel things, that I just stayed away from WH. It killed me to see him happy and so willing to destroy his family because he was the "victim" in all of this. So to preserve the love I had for him, I withdrew, but there is no legal separation and I am leery to send a Plan B letter for fear that he will stop giving me half his paycheck. I still don't have money for an attorney.

I have focused on me and that's another reason why I have stayed away from WH. Since he made the decision to stay with OW, any contact that he had with me revolved around him taking something from me or wanting something. His correspondences with me are cold and unemotional. Never did he ask how the children were doing and it hurt deeply. So I searched out G-d for answers. G-d told me there was nothing I could do for my H, but completely let go and let G-d work his miracles. So I have been doing that.

I have no desire to fight H's spiritual battle, all I have a desire to do is become the woman, wife and mother that G-d has planned for me. My WH is a master at games and saying things that confuse and hurt me, so to protect myself and stay in G-ds will I stayed hidden for the most part. Then I could stay clear on what is happening versus falling back into the blaming me game.

However, I do see the wisdom in what you are saying. You are so right, OW could NEVER meet that Emotional Need which at one point was very important to him. However, since D-day he seemed to be willing to not have Parenting be a part of his life and this is the first time he has remotely shown an interest in helping me with the kids. Happily there is lots of Plan A left in me because G-d is changing me and I would love for H to experience those changes as G-d would see fit.

I plan to pray tonight and see what answers G-d reveals to me and if it's to email H to call me, then it shall be done. Thank you for your words. Please keep them coming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SG

Jamesey..OH MY GOODNESS..you asked me all of these questions with me calling myself going into semi-MBer's RETIREMENT...



Steve Harley recommended a modified B for me at the end of my H's affair. IMO, the MODIFIED should be under their EXPERT COACHING..'cause they know the PARTICULARS of our situations...on here, I always recommend strict adherence to the plans...

BY ALL MEANS, THOUGH..do not take any detours from the direct coaching that you get from the HARLEYS which in my case was somewhat different from the advice I got HERE..



So did you do a PLAN B LETTER? If so, don't break your B....STAND FIRM..to maintain HER RESPECT of you...

If I were you, I'd put in a call to one of the Harleys to answer your questions about what to do at this point.

Remember, though, in PLAN A you don't want to LOVEBUST..you don't want to dwell on subjects that trigger her anger..so it seems that you would TALK about stuff OF INTEREST to her...her job..her hobbies..some special topic that you know that particularly interests her...

And you too, Skins...



You can't be SCARED of HIM..you have to gain HIS RESPECT...GODDESS STYLE: head up, chest out... be willing to get what you RIGHTFULLY DESERVE..given that he has abandoned his wife and family for another woman...



Start putting away some of that money that you are getting from him..make him pay for the attorney...

Cmon, Skins..don't let him beat you down..WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY...



TYPICAL WS..my H was the SAME WAY...STANDARD SCRIPT...All he cares about is the CRACK...



Are you sure it's GOD that told you that? In my belief, GOD wants us to let go when we have done ALL THAT WE CAN DO...that's when we turn it over to HIM...EVIL SPIRITS can pretend to speak for GOD...



Again..STANDARD WS...I came to EXPECT this out of my WH...Did you read my post about learning to INSULATE MYSELF against HIM???

The key is to WORK THESE PLANS..PLAN A and then PLAN B...

I think you should be in PLAN B..but you are not THERE YET, IMO..

Finish up a GOOD PLAN A..then write a PLAN B LETTER...

You have an opening now...



The LORD is giving you the STRENGTH and POWER to change YOURSELF..he's lifting you up and holding you IN HIS ARMS...have CONFIDENCE in YOURSELF...

Sorry Mimi.. and no, there's been no Plan B letter.. and honestly the advice I got from Harley was after I placed a call into the radio show. There wasn't anything real detailed and I didn't get into just how messed up the sitch is. Course I'm sure he's heard it all before.

I guess I was just looking for ideas on how to Plan A with her out of the house.. and without coming across as firing blindly over the fence.

I'm not sure there's much more that I can do but be cordial, pleasant, smell great, look great, be a great dad and not completely shut her out at this point, until I'm ready for Plan B.. a dark one.. which I might need to wait until after the D.. because it looks like the custody battle is going to go on till the end, and I'm at a bit of a disadvantage right now.

Thanks for your input Mimi.. don't let me stop you from going into retirement.. maybe I can sucker BR into coming in and hitting me with SDGuy's shovel.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mimi,

Ok, IYHO, how would you know when it's G-d speaking to you versus the evil spirits.

I am gaining confidence in myself. The part about rightfully deserve, didn't enter into my thinking. And a lawyer will help me with this, even in a 50-50 state? I'm all for that.

Personally, don't go into semi-retirement, but as you teach, you need to take care of yourself.

Where can I go read about the insulating from the evil spirits?

Thank you,
SG

SG, This is what I said in a previous post:

Mimi,

Ok, I totally didn't get that. I have to learn the strategies myself. You didn't have a post on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What a dork I am. LOL

thank you,
SG

I suppose a gun isn't a good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I sent the email asking him to call me about my son's medical stuff and an email of pictures from my other son's lacrosse tournament.

My email specifically asked him to call me about our son. I find it fascinating how he puts it on me to contact him.

Here is his response - It would have been nice to be at his games. I didnt know about them till your email. I would love to take pictures or yes you can use the camera. Talk to me this week about DS.
WH

The truth is, had WH called back this son earlier this week and talked to him, DS would have told him about the upcoming tournament. B/C WH is still mad over his birthday WH did his passive-agressive thing which is leave an open answer and then not follow through with what he said he was going to do which was get back to him with an answer. So his non actions once again reinforced to the boys what a "jerk" he is right now and they look at it that he is still making his choices of having nothing to do in their lives.

My response to WH was - It would have been nice to have you at his games. If you could drop the camera off at Wayne's before Thursday, that would be nice. Please confirm this. And thank you. Call me when you have time to talk about DS.

One thing to note - My WH totally feels his is the victim in all this b/c his children want nothing to do with him. He absolutely takes no responsibility for the hurt and destruction he is causing to our family but feels completely justified because "he held on as long as he could" and "he gave me everything he had".

Currently, he has no boundaries and doesn't get the boys don't want OW around or they won't accept her in their lives. When I have asked him not to bring her to a tournament or our house he does what he wants. So I am very leery to have him come to things where the boys might be exposed and get really upset. How should I handle this again with him?


So next move, please?

SG

Do you want to do PLAN A?