Mimi,

Yes, until I am directed to stop.

SG

This is TRUE about HIM now...he is a WS...

SG, you've got to get to a place of being able to ACCEPT that your H is a WAYWARD in order to do THIS...



So why did you ASK him to drop off the camera? Invite him to TAKE THE PICTURES... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />



You see, SG..this is TYPICAL WS..my H was NO DIFFERENT...

He's not going to ACKNOWLEDGE HIS WRONGDOING in the MIDST of his AFFAIR...not gonna do it..NO WAY...



He would bring the OW to their game or TO YOUR HOUSE and you aren't even legally separated? Has he done something like that? Now THAT IS DIFFERENT...I see what you mean...

In that case, tell him he's WELCOME to come there, take pictures and to SIT WITH YOU.

Mimi,

I really believed that I had accepted him as the Wayward, but for some reason I am wondering what you meant by that. OH wait, the light went off. Are you saying that as the WAYWARD, there are just things he is going to do and to stop getting caught up in that game and look at the bigger picture? I am getting caught up in expecting my H to respond and I am just dealing with the WH who is in a fog, an alien and pretty much selfish creature.

You are absolutely correct, I should ask him to come and take pictures, at the next tournament in a few weeks? What about the OW being in contact with my children?

Yes he brought her to a tournament. He brought her to OUR house when we were moving so they could go through stuff and see what they wanted for "their" house.

How much contact should I have with him regarding the children and what's going on in their life? I have pretty much gone dark and other than this weekend haven't emailed, spoken or seen him in over a month. The cool part is I have lost almost 15 more lbs. since he last saw me. Oh wait, here's one more thing. My younger son just handed me his school pictures. Plan Aing him would be to put the picture in a frame and give it to him? Would I put a note on it? Or should I do something different?

Thank you,

SG

Mimi,

Now that I am thinking about what you said about accepting a WH as is. I have a few thing to ask in how to handle him.

He is cheating me 50.00 a week from his paycheck. How do I talk to him about it?

I pay for his cell phone which is on our plan. However, he is using it so much it costs me more than I can really afford. I have two options - one he gives me back the phone or two - I let him know to cut down the time on the phone. Which would be better? At one point my husband knew I was going to ask him to start paying for the phone and he told my daughter that he might as well get his own plan.

SG

I'm missing some details regarding your situation.

You aren't LEGALLY SEPARATED?

And WHY NOT?

It just never needed to be done. He was giving me his entire paycheck automatically and I never had the money for a lawyer yet.

Now that we live separately, almost half his paycheck is still deposited into my account weekly.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It doesn't matter about the PAYCHECK, SG. I had access to my WH's ENTIRE CHECK.

By virtue of the way they are treating you, you have not gained his RESPECT. That makes you UNATTRACTIVE. There's no way she should be coming to your house. That sickens me...

Hi skinsgal-

Have you survived our first "Blowvember" storm with your lights intact?

You should think about a legal separation agreement to protect yourself from more stuff like this. There are organizations in the county that can help you with the paperwork. I was able to talk with a legal help person at the county courthouse before I decided to go with a lawyer. (I was doing chemo at the time and it was just easier to have someone else do all the figuring out for me. I just didn't have the energy).

A legal separation will legally state exactly what he needs to be responsible for and, if he doesn't follow through, the support enforcement office will help you.

In our state, you can extend a LSA for years if you want, and not ever have it change to divorce. I made sure my XH knew that I was only doing it to protect myself and our kids financially and legally from any of the consequences of his choices. Check out the Northwest Women's Law Center to begin with.

Hope this is helpful.

Mimi,

It sickened me too and I nailed him both times - after the tournament and I confronted him at our house, right after she left. That was the closet I have come to a LB.

However, he has absolutely no respect for me. See why I went dark. It was too much pain for me and I didn't have the self respect to stop it. So what is my next step?

His email tonight is "So DS goes to Maryland this weekend?
Personally I want to tell him that in the future, I want him to spell out my full name, not use Barb and that it would be nice to have a Hi, how are you? Some kind of manners. He has no manners with me anymore, just demands and entitlement. Please help me on this? This is totally new territory for me.

Hi Johnstwin,

Actually we made it through with no wind damage or power loss. And you must have or you wouldn't be emailing tonight.

I will check out the legal separation with that place. Thank you,

SG

Mimi,

In Plan A, should I contacting him in various ways to keep him in the loop of what is going on in the family without him? How often would be reasonable and good?

SG

SG:

I'm not gonna be around and there are plenty of other wonderful folks HERE who can help you.

How about making yourself a NEW THREAD, shouting out what you need?

How about NEED HELP WITH PLAN A or something?

YOU CAN DO IT!!

Ask for the HELP and SUPPORT that you are needing.

Mimi,

Where are you going? First Pep, now you, MB won't be the same!

nab

Mimi,

Ok, thank you very much. Take care of yourself thank you for what you have given me.

SG

Mimi,

I spent pretty much all day long on Saturday reading your posts about your life. I am amazed at how much you sound like me in the beginning and today you seem so stronge and confident. I haven't had time to read all, or have I gotten to the part when you really begin to change. But I am looking forward to that.

I need you girl, your insecurities, the words of desparation for help sound so much like me. So, I am being selfish and asking you for help.

It's Thanksgiving, the most important holiday to me because I created this family tradition that is not happening this year b/c WH lives with OW. So, to not sit at home and feel sorry for myself, I drove my boys down to my H's sisters house. But I miss him so much.

I never asked H if he wanted to come b/c I didnt' want to put myself in a position to get hurt. But I am scared that he thinks we don't care about him or don't care that he isn't with us. I miss him awful.

PLEASE help me on what to do. We haven't talked in a long time and I don't know if he even thinks that coming home is a possibility if he wanted to.

PLEASE ADVISE ME - I am taking a page from you and begging.

SG

I wouldn't have been where I am today if I hadn't asked for help and GOTTEN IT OVERWHELMINGLY by folks on this forum.

I think it would be SELFISH of ME not to try to pass on what I was given. Many of my supporters/mentors aren't around much anymore.. if at all.



It's a matter of ACCEPTANCE..so sad for me to say..YOUR LIFE WILL NOT EVER BE LIKE IT WAS..it can be better..but not the same...so GIVE UP THE OLD..MAKE THE NEW...make YOURSELF some NEW TRADITIONS...LET GO OF THE PAST..it's gone forever..and that's not necessarily bad..you have NOW..you have THE FUTURE..you have YOURSELF..

WORK ON FOCUSING ON YOURSELF and most importantly YOUR MIND..that is what YOU HAVE ABSOLUTE CONTROL OVER..that's one of the major things that I learned..so when I would think of MY HUSBAND in anyway whatsoever...I would literally SHAKE MY HEAD...and say: "I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT"..I found stuff to do that would take MY MIND off of him..surprisingly stuff like Cross-stitch or puzzles would do it..time would go by without me knowing..I think it's called FLOW...



You see what I mean? There's no way of really knowing what he is thinking. You know what YOU ARE THINKING..that's all that you can control...

Try to STAY IN THE MOMENT...



What YOU CAN DO? Plan a way to HAVE A TALK with him and tell him what you want to tell him. PLAN what YOU will say..it's ALL ABOUT YOU...PERSONAL POWER...

Happy Thanksgiving Mimi,

So what can I do if he won't talk to me? Oh Mimi, I am trying so hard to get this. Every step I take forward for myself, gets me scared that I am moving on without him and I fall backwards. How do I stop the feelings of missing him.

Im trying. I think I just feel like I screwed up so bad and I am not going to get another chance.

You are right, I have no clue what is going on in his head, but I miss his voice, everything about him. I'm jealous she has him and I don't.

So what are some ideas for new traditions. My religion is based on traditions and that's what I worked my life on achieving and doing in my home.

I'm sorry to be so selfish and need you.

SG

You just have to endure this. Make yourself a good life without him. When the affair is over, he will be back. I never thought my ex would be back in a million years. During the affair, he wanted NOTHING to do with me. I was worse than a piece of furniture in his home. It was hard to Plan A because I only saw him about once a month for 5 minutes. He was just GONE.

Now that the affair is over, he is driving me CRAZY. We are divorced, and he wants to get back together. He is calling and writing me CONSTANTLY. He is INTERESTED in me. It is such a SHOCK.

Ok, Believer,

I am holding you to this. I am enduring it, and actually that is the one piece that I started praying today for - endurance.

I am making a good life without him. I just miss him so much. And you are right, mine is gone.

You really believe all affairs end? What makes you so sure?

SG

Happy Thanksgiving

I say they all end because they do. Almost always. About 3% last. So the odds are 97% in your favor.

The stuff here is right on. When I came here - over 4 years ago, everyone told me the affair would end. I just didn't think it would happen for me. As it turned out, it lasted over 4 years, which is very unusual. And I think that was only because my ex and the OW had so much money to blow. The fantasy went on and on.

And now I can't believe how my ex has turned around. He is just like he was before we married.

Sadly (for him), we are divorced, and I'm over him. I don't want anything bad for him, and I do hope he has a nice life, but it won't be with me.

I hear what you are saying, but I have a fear mine is in the 3%.

Do you think there is a way to tell if one would make it or not?

SG