Hello all. This is my first post here, but I have posted on another BB. That is, until they decided I was “too angry” to suit them.

Here’s the short version of my story: On July 10 of 2006, I walked in on my wife and another man naked on my couch. I was blindsided. She was 6 weeks pregnant with our daughter at the time…luckily she turned out to be mine. They were f_ckbuddies for 3.5 years. She has done nearly everything right since, and we are working on R.

I’m still struggling internally…primarily with severe anger. I keep a lid on it most days, and go about my daily routine. Sometimes, however, it boils over. IC and MC are no longer options, since my insurance only pays for 25 visits in a lifetime. I’m not on any meds. We’ve read books and have conversed more times than I can count, but the anger is still there. Some days I want to physically hurt OM so badly I can taste it, and this is nearly 16 months after d-day. I’ve also seriously contemplated a RA, but haven’t gone through with it. I still can’t rule it out. I’ve always been an “eye for an eye” type person. I just don’t see how I can let this go without retribution.

I’ve heard all of the “anger prevents your healing”, “don’t waste your energy hating OP”, and “you need to forgive your WS” points of view. Is there not ONE person out there who feels the way I do? Someone who feels they will never be truly at peace until they’ve exacted revenge? That’s me. I don’t like it and I don’t seek to continue feeling this way, but it is what it is.

Anyone?

YOU are preventing your own happiness in your marriage. Revenge will break your family to pieces and then YOU will be responsible for the downfall and consequences of that. Just because you accepted your wife back, doesn't mean she will do you that same favor; she may leave you and never look back.

You need to figure out what you want. If that's a happy marriage, then you've gotta find a way. Unfortunately, there is no way around it; you are responsible for HALF of you marriage, and if you decide to destroy it, you are to blame, not your FWW or the OM.

Do you have an outlet, physically, for your anger? Are there local anger management courses?

Your anger is fine; I have plenty of my own, but it's MINE, not my FWH's. If I do what he did, then I am PURE EVIL, because I KNOW what it will do to him and my son.
You anger is real and you must find a way to deal with it. Killing your family just doesn't seem like the brightest thing to do.

Hopefully, some men will chime in and help you, because I recognize that men feel and show anger, sometimes, in vastly different ways than women. RAGE is not something I have dealt with much, just a tad.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but it's good that you have come to get help.

I really don't think I would ever have a RA...it's just not in my character. I have standards, which means I don't really want to sleep with some skank who would sleep with a married man.

Except for my wife, that is. Dammit.

My main concern is my anger/rage involving OM. I realize it's MY anger, but it perpetuates itself it seems. I've tried exercising, punching inanimate objects, etc. None of it works. Sometimes the fact that I'm so angry because of the actions of another makes me even angrier. Anger seems to lead to other negative feelings, like sadness and paranoia. An anger management course is one thing I haven't tried yet. I've always thought that they were for people who were angry in general...my anger is very focused, very specific. I should give it a shot anyway.

Maybe it will fade after enough years have passed. All I know is that I will either die young, go insane, or end up in prison at this rate.

RIGHT HERE !!!

I'm only 3+ months out, and I'm just like you ... I don't like it, but its there. So far my better judgment has prevailed, but there are days when I want to get in my truck and drive to NJ for some good old fashioned "SATISFACTION".

Mine is a different situation as there is a possibility (I believe a probability) that OM slipped my W a date rape drug on her girls only vacation, coupled with his arrogance towards me when we had our phone confrontation the morning after D-Day. I've never seen the OM, but I've imagined taking my revenge on him, and its a pleasant fantasy.

Regarding this subject, I think you'll find this site dominated by BW's, who don't understand this emotional need in BH's and are largely pacifists, so I doubt you'll get much support for your feelings of rage.

Anyway, I know what you're experiencing ... no answers, just empathy.

It takes a veeeery long time to get over this whole mess. Like I said, I respond to anger in a different way. I'm not nearly as angry with the OWs as I am/have been with my FWH. I'm not married to them, and they were not my 'friends', so I had no attachment to them, nor did I care about them in any way, so my heart and family was ripped apart by my FWH, is the way I see it.

He is home and making his way back to me, making amends in his way.

I used to hit my heavy bag, and lift weights, until I was sidelined by injury. Now I focus a lot on fixing ME, because I can't fix anybody else.

Anger is anger, no matter how specific it is, it must be handled and dissipated or you will end up dead, or in prison. Neither option is good for you, your wife or your kid/s.

Is there some particular reason that you cannot draw focus from this OM? Was he a friend? An acquaintance? Does your FWW work with him; do you?

Why not tell your story in more detail? You may find that there is a solid reason that your anger is still so high.

He will get support for his rage. I've seen this kind of rage first hand, and it's REAL, but beating the [censored] out of the OM will do nothing but get you into sooooo much more [censored], that you may not be able to dig your way out of.

Keep posting, keep telling your story.

Hey, don't ever believe that all women are pacifists. I'm not, but I had leveled my anger on my then WH. The OW were a waste of my time because they couldn't fix my M, only my WH could (now FWH). It just seemed more logical to thirst for his blood at the time, for me.

I never hit him, but ooooo I so wanted to. I broke lots of 'stuff' and hit the bag until my knuckles were raw or the skin was broken. I had my kid to think about, too, and was trying with everything I had to keep my cool.

Nope, you're wrong, MR. We all understand exactly what you and K are feeling, because most of us have gone through it too...men and women alike.

But we ALSO understand this isn't 1870 Tombstone, AZ, and we can't go out and demand satisfaction in a walk down. For better or worse, we aren’t back in that world and we have to play the hand we’ve been dealt in this modern time.

Pacifists? Not hardly. I, for instance, am Scotch-Irish by derivation, a 26-year veteran of the Armed Forces by way of career choices, a past competitor in weight-lifting, golden gloves and other sports by choice, and a Texan by the Grace of God...none of which lend themselves to a lifetime as a "pacifist."

What I AM...in spite of my instincts in matters such as my wife's adultery...is way too SMART to give in to destructive urges. Are you?

Look, guys. You’ll get a lot of help out here, a lot of suggestions to improve your outlook, and testimonials from folks who have healed themselves and their relationships.

If that’s not what you want, so be it. If you want to stew in your rage, go right ahead…no skin off our noses. Hey, if you want to keep that anger in the forefront of your mind, day in and day out, do it. It’s YOUR life and none of us will try to live it for you. You’re headed for a divorce, or worse, but we can’t stop you.

But...gentlemen...I challenge you. If you want to find a way to get through this; if you want to find a way to find a life that has turned back to rich and fulfilling marital relationships; if you can sit down and THINK about what’s best for your children, your extended families, and everyone else concerned…then stay with us, guys, and learn a way to leave the fury behind. Are you man enough to do that, gents?

If you are, begin by understanding what you’re feeling is very closely akin to the feelings one experiences in the death of someone close to you. In a sense, the innocence of your marriage HAS died, and you need to find a way to get past it. You’re stuck in one of the first stages of grief, guys, and you need to move forward. We can recommend ways of doing that, but it’s YOU who must do the tough things.

We’ll help, but you have to be willing and ready to do some hard work. Are you smart enough to get on board, guys? Let us know, okay?

I felt a huge amount of anger at OM for a long time.

But, I knew that I could either do something to him, or recover my marriage.

You can either be angry, or you can choose to rebuild your marriage. You can't do both.

I chose to rebuild may marriage.

What are you going to choose?

It sounds to me like you do have some serious anger issues...it doesn't sound like you've forgiven your WS, and while I don't ever expect anyone to "forgive" the OP, there is a point where you've got to realize that they're "not worth your while".

BTW...totally agree with you, Longhorn.

I've got a LONG fuse...on top of a HUGE HUGE temper. I'm an ex-Army combat veteran, black belt in what's considered a more viscious art, and quite willing and capable of taking care of whatever needs to be done. Taking OM out was definitely a thought shortly after d-day. My wife was VERY scared of what I might do to him...she knew I wouldn't just show up wanting to fight if I decided to do something...it would have been permanent.

But...he wasn't worth my while to do that to. It wouldn't have gained me anything. He wasn't worth it, and that's the bottom line.

Thank you all for the replies. They are appreciated.

I didn't know OM...******, my W barely did. I guess my anger is mostly directed at him because I DIDN'T ever love him, or try to make a life with him. He gets the lion's share of the anger I would otherwise direct at my W, too. It may not be logical, but it beats driving my W away.

Longhorn, I appreciate your input. Very well put, and part of me agrees with you 100%.

But there is another part of me screaming, "How can a REAL MAN take it in the can like that, do nothing in retaliation, and stay with the wife to boot?"

I know the answer is something about a real man trying to make his marriage work, etc. but it doesn't feel that way. My anger certainly doesn't feel like a choice, either. Maybe I lack the on/off switch some others have, but I can't make it go away by force of will alone.

I agree with all of you, actually.

So, the women on here are easy to push around, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep making comments like that and you'll find out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Believe me, I know better. There is no such thing as a group of women who are easy to push around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K71:

I'm going to put a call out for Mel for this one:

"So, the women on here are easy to push around, huh?"

She will pistol whip you good.

But.

In my case, my BW is, was and still angry with the OW. Two years later? probably less so. But, she has decided, I believe, to just set it aside.

Because, as you already know, the anger will slow your recovery.

But, you said your W was F***budies with OM for 3.5 years. But then you say the WW barely knew him on your most recent post.

How about a little more of your story?

I think that with some more background we can help reconcile your anger with your reality and help you move forward.

There is certainly enough opportunity for you to vent here about your WW's OM. And sympathy as well.

Has your (F)WW been open and honest with you? Transparent?

Have you been spending 15 hours of time together each week?

That's a place to start.

LG

Ditto to what princessmeggy said. Don't mess with me y'all, I know some pretty snazzy self defense moves that could cripple ya for life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Although my BS is a very very peaceful guy (dude rarely rarely gets angry), he was enraged at OM involved in my EA. Even if the OM didn't even know that I had feelings for him! My BS is slowly getting over it, and it's been almost 6 months.

I think the anger you are feeling is normal actually. I do think you are going to have to find ways to deal with it so your marriage can indeed recover. But, I really think you are the norm and not the exception <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

First off, this isn't something I'm consumed with ... I go weeks at a time without dwelling on the subject. However, there are still those dark days that happen every so often and your mind goes there, whether you want it to or not.

As for the above quote ... I don't know if I buy that its an either or proposition. As long as you have a remorseful WW who is fully recommitted, then I don't think a measure of revenge should be automatically out of the question ... and keep in mind revenge can manifest itself in many ways ... it doesn't have to be physical.

Anyway, this isn't worth a lengthy debate, especially here. I've expressed my opinion and will move along.

Well I am a BW that feels EXACTLY the same way.

I am 11 months past D Day and I still would like to make the OW pay for what she did. I still have such hatred for her that i am afraid if i were to ever see her in a public place that i do not know what i would do.

Like everyone says you are supposed to let that go and the OP was not married to you blah, blah, blah.

The OW knew my H was married and had three kids before she pursued him. I know he had a choice of what to do with that pursuit but i feel like she should have to pay for being such a S***!!

My Wife met him 11 times over 3.5 years, starting in Feb. '03...every now and then one of them would pick up a phone or IM, and they'd meet for what amounted to a quickie. Other than an initial lunch to establish ground rules, there were no dates, no gifts, certainy no "I love you"s, no daily communication...sometimes they'd go several months without speaking.

He was/is married with 3 kids...I told his wife everything the day after d-day. I didn't even know his name, but my wife gave me that info, his cell #, everything she knew. She has been very remorseful, transparent, and has really worked on figuring out why and what allowed her to do it. She really couldn't have been much better, given the circunstances. I'm almost certain there has been no contact.

We'd had a really rough couple of years in 2003 and 2004, for multiple reasons, and in early 2005 she said she wanted to move out. I still had no idea that anything was going on, and I was led to believe I was the antagonist, the bad guy who needed to change to save the marriage. I made up my mind...I was going to become the type of husband my wife deserved.

It actually worked. We went to marriage counseling, which turned into individual counseling with my wife in attendance...mainly for my insecurity and jealousy, go figure! At one point, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I'd never cheat on you because I know it would rip your heart out".

Things were going so well that we decided to have a 2nd child. She got pregnant, and 6 weeks later was d-day.

I'm sure I can fill in more details later.

How about more of that story of yours, Krazy?

Us female posters don't take kindly to people who don't fulfill their requests. We might get angry, and you wouldn't like us when we're angry!

Get to typin'!

Uhhh...we've stayed together the entire time and ridden the roller coaster together, burned up the last of my paid counseling visits by going to MC WAY to close to d-day...I wasn't ready. Our daughter was born in February, she's mine and she's gorgeous.

If can think of anything else, I'll add it. I promise!

K71:

Now you know why 2003/04 were so rough!

But.

This A that your W was having?

WHOA!

That seems so utterly casual.

What other boundaries do you think she lets get crossed so easily?

LG

How long have you been married?