I am a new member. I'm trying to get through my husband's emotional/sexual affair. I want to talk to (not scream at) the woman he had his affair with. Is that crazy? I'm not even sure I know what I want to ask her.

Is the affair over?

I am not sure what the right answer is but I called the OW and it was one of those things I regret. I did not yell or scream and what I said was well thought out and planned and I left her a VM. However I have no doubt she probably laughed when she heard it then probably called my husband and told him I said things I had not. It probably gave them another excuse to talk, see each other, commiserate about how horrible I was and in the end I wish I had been a bigger person and not lowered myself to her level. However what is done is done.

Exspose, Exspose, Exspose!!! Have you done that yet? Family, friends, church, work, school?? Is she married? Have you informed her H??

Definitely tell her family/husband/SO.

You can have some revenge while doing the right thing.

Hurting,

I suggest writing a long letter to the OW, listing all your feelings, questions, vents, etc.

Keep it close for a few or more months, adding to it as ideas come to you.

Then you can throw it away or send it to her.

There is no positive to you talking to her and the conversation could go badly for you.

IMHO

kirk

I want to believe it is. It happened beginning in Dec 2003 and went through 2004. He was in contact with her in 2005 and in 2006. Phone records show that he called her in Feb of this year. I just found out about the affair about two weeks ago. He told me "everything" about his affair. I'm not sure I believe he's told me everything. I would love to see if her story matches his. I know her and somehow think I can have an honest conversation with her. But why would she tell me her story?

I'm not sure I want revenge. She is divorced. I just want to know how far their sexual relationship went. He said they stopped it and never had IC. I'm having a hard time believing that. I love my husband and want to trust him again.

hurting, I would call her up. Get her side of it. I got a wealth of information from the OW and the affair ended the DAY I confronted her. You can compare notes and let her know that your H fully intends on ending his affair and working on your marriage. That way if he has lied to her, it will come out.

This is a very long term affair and unless the conditions are changed dramatically that allowed this to happen, it will continue to happen. Does he work with her or ever see her in any capacity?

But is he TRUSTWORTHY? Has has opened up his life to you and taken steps to EARN your trust? You cannot trust an untrustworthy person. Trust has to be EARNED.

He does not work with her. However, he owns his own business and she owns her own business (unrelated fields). So they both have the freedom to do what they want when they want. In the 17 years that we have been married I have never not trusted him. I (like many other women) never thought this would happen to me because my husband just "wasn't the kind of person who would do that". I've learned now that everyone is vunerable. He was vulnerable to have an affair and I was vunerable to believe he never would. I know where she works and I could walk into her business at any time and talk to her. I would rather do that then talk on the phone. I'm still not sure what questions to ask. I don't want to give her the information he has given me because she can just go along with it. If I ask her questions outright, why wouldn't she just lie? I'm not sure there is an answer to any of this. I just wish it would all go away.

hurting, how do you know she is divorced? Is this information from your H or do you know this as a FACT?

I was just reading your response to Sadwife 76 about her H taking a polygraph test. My husband was the first to bring that up in our situation. He has told me several times he would take one, no problem. I looked up the pros and the cons. Mostly read that they really aren't 100% reliable and that you can come away even more confused. However, if taking one is a good idea I would want my husband to take one so I can move on with my life and stop wondering.

hurting, I would ask him to take the test. They are sure not 100% reliable, but more often the not, all the truth comes spewing out before the test is even taken! It also might make you feel better as a good will gesture.

As part of recovery your husband needs to write a No Contact letter to the OW. In the letter he should state clearly that he is choosing to stay married to you and to never again have any contact with her. He should not apologize to her in the letter.

IMHO this still needs to be done for several reasons even if he claims they are no longer involved with each other:

He might not be telling you the truth about it being over with her. He might be saying one thing to you but another to her.

He might have ended things with her but who knows if they might start up again in the future? A no contact letter makes it less likely they will reconnect as the OW might feel too offended and rejected by the no contact letter to consider any future advances from your husband, or to make any advances herself.

The adultery might have really ended but not by his choice; he might still care too much about what she thinks of him and secretly prefers her over you. He might not want to have to tell her that he CHOOSES you over her. IMHO this would not be enough for me - to have the OW still believing that my husband preferred her but for some reason was stuck with me as his 2nd choice.

Attempting recovery minus the no contact letter being sent to the OP is very risky.

We all met about 8 years ago. She was divorced then. My H has told me she lives with her two teenagers. (This was in response to my suggesting how easily accessible her home was for them to meet)

H, Meremortal is right, he needs to send her a no contact letter and agree to never ever see her again. Will he do that?

How do I go about setting up a polygraph test? I don't have the foggiest idea. Isn't taking a polygraph test a little too extreme?

Well, extreme is a subjective term, if you feel like you need that to go forward, you should do it! I do not know how to set that up, but I would start by calling your county police detectives and asking them for a referral.