I need help. my husband works midnight and has for quite a few years. Two years ago while I was pregnant with my son(our first)I realized that he was working over a lot and going in early alot. We worked opposite shifts for years so it wasn't until I took off for pregnancy that I really noticed. I began questioning, checking cell phone etc. and fount the OW #. I called and she said He said we were getting divorced. I called him at work and he came home and said he wanted a divorce and wasn't in love with me. I stupidly began to convince him that he didn't mean it. Needless to say he came around apologized agreed to counseling and we really seemed better for a while. I should also say that he seemed more excited than me to do our exercises and homework from counseling. The problem is every time we fight he runs away and I found out today he ran to the OW. Now, I talked directly to her two years ago and told her that I wanted her to leave him alone and he also told her this in my presence. She said she didn't want him anyway...blah blah. I also know that he did not have dealings with her for over a year, but yesterday we fought, and I told him to leave and today I went to her home and there he was. He lied and said he didn't have anywhere else to go, because we are short on cash and live away from family. I do not buy it. He is now saying that I should not have come to her home and that we are through and he wants a divorce. I feel like we should probably go through with this, however I do still love him and I am worried about my kids one is 19months the other is 7months. I also think many people divorce without trying, but when do you say enough?

divorce him. he most likely never stopped seeing her. I know this is hard...but you gave him the chance to recover and work on your marriage...he blew it. Get a bull dog attorney and go for everything you can get.

I am sorry you are here...but this site is filled with people that have ignored the obvious signs the likes of which your H is giving you.

I also hate to say this...but he has probably had other affairs.

Now, if you decide you want him back...set up boundaries for his return. No contact, counseling, a polygraph and a post nuptial agreement for starters.

I would suggest though that you skip all that and send him packing. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve what he is doing to you.

Enough.

HMT,

Would you consider that in recovery, there were things that didn't change? His work hours or yours? Proximity to OW? Was his A exposed to her family, his and yours? You're here now...did you know then, during the A, about Plan A, Plan B?

Did he work with OW? Did you expose to his work?

In MC, did he break down his choices...there were several...identify how the A began, figure out his permissions to have it, what marital and personal boundaries he would put in place to protect himself from generating the fog again?

Recovery is complex...has two complex humans...and personal recovery is separate from marital recovery. Do you think there were parts not explored, understood?

Conflict avoidance behaviors play a part in A's...so does depression, distraction (fantasy) and passive-aggressive behaviors. I think that's why recovery takes two years or longer...lots to work through individually and maritally to have a new affair-proof marriage.

Did your counselor support your belief that you convinced him the first time that he didn't mean he wanted a divorce?

Right now...your decision matters. Contact continues the A. Your choice to do Plan A (and I think you probably did some instinctually before...takes the whole plan, though, I believe, to work) now, Plan B, file for a legal separation or divorce. Not his. What do you really want? What's your own separate goal...not his opinion, his feelings, right now.

You choose. You hold yourself to your choice. We can help with whatever you choose.

Btw, were you verifying for the last year that NC was intact?

LA

Thank You for your help. Some things did change. He actually changed jobs. She did not work there but he was laid off. We had many problems outside of A unexpected pregnancy, he lost job, I was let go due to unexpected pregancy, he was in car accident and hospitalized for 8 days with multiple injuries and came home very ill. I nursed him back to health and went back to work at a new job to make ends meet. Problem one here I was travelling for my job and lost track of homefront. I then got very depressed and decided I had to quit and find something else. This made him irate he says I gave up when we needed it most and almost cost us everything. I say I did what I could for as long as I could and moved on. We went from six figure income to just making it in one year, he today says he just wants away from all of this. He also has issue with my allowing family to borrow money I admit this was and is a mistake. He just won't let it go, it comes up in every argument. To answer your other questions I had no plan at that time. I did not tell anyone about this out of shame. He did acknowledge and accept his choices. He basically started to be more open to me, report his coming and goings, and be with me more to keep this from happening again. However as I said I had to travel for my job and am now wondering if this allowed too much free time... We doth have fought depression recently due to financial and physical reasons. He convinced himself that he just said he wanted a divorce and that his family means everything to him and he is tired of being a failure. I am sure there was no contact up to 4 months ago when I went back to work. After that I did not see any signs or have feeling which I did have in A before. As far as counseling we identified the equivalents to mb lovebusters and emotional needs. I think we needed seperate counseling as well, but honestly finances and time inhibited that. I would like to put a plan in progress, but right now I don't know what I want or what is best for my kids.

If you could put a plan down on paper-just paper..what would that plan be?

Max

Well, we went away for a few days to try to communicate and get away from things here. I had a great time we communicated,laughed, and basically got along. No stress or strain doing so either. On the way back he started acting strangely, antsy, not as nice. Got home and.....bam. He wants to go out with friends to wind down. Now this is something he has never done before or only requested during arguments. I said I did not think that was a good idea and it started. Yelling , screaming, ranting and raving about how he wants out of this marriage and away from me, he is not in love anymore and is miserable. I tried to say maybe he should goin another area of the house and relax and then we would talk. He said he did not want to talk he wanted to leave. I was mortified, I asked him if the past two days meant anything and he said No, I wa there and available. Right now he is in another room fuming because He had a few beers and I said I would not allow him a DUI so leaving is out. He says as soon as he is sober, he will be leaving and filing for a divorce. I really think he had plans tonight that were ruined and that angered him. I do not know. I do know that I really want my marriage to work, but I am starting to think it is too late. I was working on a plan when he suggested the trip. I still haven't exposed him or her, although I am ready to. Maybe even for the wrong reasons that's why I am hessitating. Please help. I just need support.

You don't 'just need support'.... you need a plan. How much effort r u willing to put towards getting a good plan? Willing t/d some reading?

L.

I will do anything. I have read many other posts, including the carrot and the stick plan A. I just talked to his closest relative who supports our marriage. His uncle was apalled and will talk to him tomorrow. I have got the # to his brother, cousin, other womans Mom and his Mom and will use them tomorrow. Problem is his family other than the uncle will not care. They Do not like me.We together did the EN questionares and read about lovebusters so I have been trying them. The problem is he is not trying and refuses. What now....

Hi HMT,

I think the problem is that your H is still involved in the A...

Have you exposed the A to everyone that can help you end it???

Semper Fi,

RIF

Well I am back. I had to leave home for few days to clear my head and check on my children who have been at my parents since last Monday. I decided to begin my plan I told his mother, uncle, brother and my family. I tried her mother as she is not married and she refused to talk to me and said that was her daughters business and I needed to talk to my husband. My family is livid and thinks I should get an attorney and move back home for a while. His mother came with me home to help with the children and talk to him. He found out I was on MB by checking my computer usage and totally flipped outasking why I was talking about him,lying, etc. I told him I loved him and wanted to do anything I could to save our marriage. He began to say he hated me and had not been happy for a long time and neither had I by all of the arguments. I said we did and do need help with some issues, but I do love him and think of our relationship as worth saving. He began drinking and swearing and wanting to call friends to go out. I refused to let him leave drunk and caused a fury of hurtful insults about me and how he is bored with me and will always get bored and need something else fro time to time and will I be able to accept this. I said no, but he could get help for that and he said he did not want help. S o I blocked hi car in and went to bed. He tried to break the door down, yelled threatened to call the cops until 4AM. I got up the next day and drove to his mothers told her everything and he called her house screaming to me why did I have to involve everyone in our business. He then reiterated that he wants a divorce and hates me. Later that night he called me on his way to work and talked about normal things sports,kids, family, like nothing had happened. Today he cooked dinner and went to work with no emotions toward me and kissed and played with the kids and professed his love to them. What now? I cleaned house, got my hair done and have been dressing nicely trying to fulfill some of the things I should. I also sent him some encouraging texts at work which we used to do regularly. However, I am honestly tired of feeling like my day is determined by his reactions. Is that normal for plan A?