Okay, My H tells me last night that the OW has taken a job at my daughter's new daycare (a new facility that has recently opened). She says "she needs money" and this is all she knows and it is a way to have 1/2 price on childcare and get to work too. Okay - she knows this is where we take our D and she says that if it is a problem - she'll try to figure something else out. Now it is basically in my Court - my H says "let her work - that way she'll always be busy and stay out of our hair!" However I don't know if this is reverse psychology. I do not like the fact that she is "at home" every day and is able to meet my H at any time, etc. etc. This way - at least she'll be some place (but of course that is where my H might be too - picking up our D, etc.). She would not have any contact with my D. What do you guys think? It's kinda in my hands and for the life of me I don't know what to do?<P>------------------<BR>

DD,<P>I was going to post on your other thread back to you, but I'll just respond to this one. I think that your H wants to have contact with his OC and he probably also wants your D to. They do talk when you are not around, like at the hospital. Your H is not going to say to you "I think it's a good idea for her to work there so that I can see my OC" but there do you think it is possible that is what he was thinking?<P>When I was going to respond to your other thread, I was going to say that you can't turn back time and make the OC and the OW not exist. They are now a part of your life whether you like it or not. If you want to stay in your marriage you are going to have to accept this. I think the only way to do it is to treat the XOW like and XW. I think you should encourage your H to get visitation with the OC and do it with your family, you and your D and your H. Start to make the OC part of your famiily. If you don't, your H will find a way to see the OC on his own and that will mean seeing the OW. Why not suggest that the OC come home with your H and your D one day a week for an evening at your home? You need to take away your H's need to sneak to see the OC. If your H sees that you do care about the OC, then I think he will include you in other things like the hospital visit.<P>I know you think this is unfair that you have to share your H with the OC, but that's the way it is. You do have the alternative of leaving and finding someone else. But you are not going to make the OC go away and your H is making it clear he wants to be a part of the OC's life. You can either be a part of his life with the OC or not. If you don't, then he will see more of the OW when he sees the OC.<P>I really have no experience at all with this so I'm just kind of talking out of my hat here. These are just my thoughts and I hope they help.

An easy reply would be change your daughter's day care. But I know how hard it is too find a good daycare and to get in one, but you might look around. To me in sounds like she did this on purpose. I know daycares are always looking for people to work so why did she pick the one you use. Just luck???? Yes keeping her busy would probably be good. I would just make sure it is you who picks up D and not H. And as long as she has no dealing with your D it could work out. It may be a case of trying to bug you. You can't let her see that it does. If you don't let it bug you and she sees that you are "okay" with it. Then maybe she will move on and let go. Good luck.

I personally think you should find another day care to bring your D to. If you can't find another one, then make it a point that only YOU pick up your D. I think this OW is doing this on purpose so that there is an excuse where she can see your H.

Delphi: You are right. I have actually had two (2) ocassions so far we have "kept" the OC. I did really well and held my emotions when we faced the OW and I think I have "proven" myself with my H in that I can include the OC. That is why it hurt my feelings so bad when he didn't "ask" me to go to the hospital. However, last night he said "Honey, you are always welcome to go wtih me - I just didn't think you would want to." (whatever). He probably thinks it would be a good idea so that he can see his OC on a regular basis, but I just don't want it to be easier to see OW. Also, I don't know what her motives are in this - I don't trust her (obviously) nor him (at this point). I do not want to come across as trying to tell her what to do - I don't want her to think she is a threat to me in any way.<P>SDS: Yeah - I thought the same thing. She was doing this on purpose. I asked my H how did she even know that my D went to that daycare? He said, I told her. See, when does he have the time to tell her everything about us. That really bugs me. She "suppossedly" called around to all the daycares in our area and there were no openings for her child's age and this place had the only opening. It is a new huge facility that has only opened 3 weeks ago and it has not filled up yet. To me, though, unless SHE was trying to start something - she wouldn't even have entertained the idea of working somewhere that we would be. You know? I don't want to give her the upper hand so that she can think it bothers me (even if it does).<P>No Trust: Well, that was my first inlination to find another daycare. However, after the sale of our daycare, my D has had a hard time getting adjusted to a daycare. We have finally gotten her somewhere that she "truly" enjoys. Therefore I don't want to punish her. I do think that OW is doing this on purpose (I don't see how she cannot be) I guess I'll just have to be the one doing all the contact - however, my H also works for the owner of the daycare - doing their landscaping maintenance, etc., so he could be up there at any given time.<P>------------------<BR>

Sound fishier and fishier. Does she know your H works for the owner of the daycare. Silly me of course she does. Now I am sure it was done on purpose. I know this is so hard for you, but hang in there. I agree Delphi set up visitation for H to see OC with you there. The more he feels that you are comfortable with the OC the less excuse he will have to deal with OW without you. Besides this will be away to "bother" the OW and if sheecomplains it will make HER look bad in his eyes. Which is what you want. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I think your H and the OW probably both are guilty here in her ending up working there. I think your H told her about the new daycare, etc., and why would he need to do that? She probably told him she was going to apply there. I think your H is still a little too close to the OW for comfort but you must overcome this by being to him what the OW was. This includes being a part of his life with the OC. Only two times is not that much to give you a track record. I think you have made a dent. You must do it again and again. If the OW finds out that you will be coming along every time she has a problem w/the OC, she might have fewer problems she just has to have your H there for. You must start to have regular visitation and make the OC a part of your lives. I would just grit my teeth about the daycare situation. If your H wants to see the OW he's going to no matter where she works. Especially when she is the mother of his child which he wants to see. Better to just face it down now. You know, it really says something good about your H that he wants to be a part of OC's life. It really bothers me when I read about these men who have an OC and then never see them again, even when they pay support. They made the child and they should take some responsibility. I admire your H for doing that. Maybe you should tell him that you admire him too.<P>

as long as u know there's no feelins toward her and your h . i think it should be ok.... but the oc needs to know that he/she is accepted by you and your h.. my situation is different we have custody of my h 2 children and i had to accept my h seein his xw, but i also have too now that we r married .. there's friction between us but i put it aside for the childrens sake..... i accepted them as my own.. they call me mom {they asked me if they can}... i think you should see the other c as much as u can .. is she a good parent? does she take good care of oc? if not bring her to your home for good.........

Wow. Okay, the ball IS in your court, since you've been asked. If she does indeed start working there, resentment on your part may build and you'll have to always appear to be the well-adjusted one.<P>You might say you feel the situation is in poor taste and under the circumstances, you feel it would be more appropriate for her to look elsewhere for a job.<P>I personally would opt in the negative, but maybe you're a stronger woman than me! Good luck.

Thanks guys for your input! Yeah - I agree, my H had no business telling her that was where we were taking our D. I asked him why he did. He said - just normal conversation. (yeah right). I really DON'T like her knowing everything about us. She is a good mother (from what I can tell). She is good with children (in general). My daughter adored her when she was her daycare teacher. (yeah that really kills me). She is so young and lives at home.<P>I do think her even thinking of taking a job there is in definite poor taste. However, I didn't like to be the one to MAKE the decision. I felt that the perfect decisionmaker would have been my H. When she first told him about it - he should have said "um, I don't think that would be the best situation, see if you can't find something else." And not to put the "blame" on me. Therefore - I have done nothing. I'm trying to take the attitude - "you're no threat to me you can work wherever you want". <P>And Yes- today was to be her first day at work. She was there (her car) in the parking lot. Me and my H went and took my D to daycare. While I was chatting with the director at the front desk - I saw her come in and out of the kitchen area getting bottles, etc. and she looked out. I'm sure she saw me - but we didn't make eye contact. I almost threw up. Oh well - I guess - once again I have to swallow it up and be the bigger person.<P>I have also asked my H to see the OC on a more consistent basis. Either he isn't ready yet or OW isn't ready yet - 'cause she doesn't really like him being around me. Oh well - she should have thought of that before.<P>------------------<BR>

Good for you for asking your H to see OC on regular basis! Is your H paying child support? If he is he has a right to see OC on a regular basis. If OC becomes a part of your home life with visits, the OW will not be a threat to you. At least not nearly as much as if the OW is holding all the cards w/the OC. I would wait a bit and then bring it up again.

Thanks Delphi: H is not paying child support (theoretically); my H's parents know that we're not financially able to at this time - and they are giving OW money on some type of basis (I'm not really sure what that is). I will ask him again re: seeing OC more regularly- I think OW is threatened that we will try to take OC from her since she is a single parent, etc. I wouldn't do that - unless she was abusing him or something - but let her think that for a while. I've had to worry myself to death with thinking and not knowing everything!<P>------------------<BR>

Hey, Daycare!<BR> I've just been thinking about your situation. I think that it is good that you are willing to have the OC in your home and your life. I think that will really help your relationship with your H.<P> So....do things to show your H that you accept the OC and want him to be part of your family. Set up a crib for him--give the OC his own space in your home. Pick up a few toys and some clothes to keep at your house especially for the OC (garage sales are good sources if money is tight). Take pictures of the OC interacting with your family and display them in your home. Spend time with him yourself and get to know him as a person--and not as an extension of his mother. And, you know something? I'll bet you'll grow to really love this little one, and your H will see that and love you all the more for it.<P>I think that you have a marvelous opportunity to enrich your own life, so go fot it!

Let this OW see you and your H TOGETHER every chance you get! Let her see that you are not going ANYWHERE! Of all the places to work she chose THAT daycare!! Give me a break!! Your H should have given you a little more respect than even making it an option! Just how much are you supposed to put up with. You were saying that if she is working that she will be away from your H. It doesn't matter what their days are filled with, if H wants to see OW they will always find a way. Take control and let it be known that you have excepted enough, and from now on you are controlling what YOU are comfortable with and what you are NOT comfortable with. If he can't understand your needs after all that has happened then I think you need to question if this is a man that is out for for your best interest, because that is what marriage is all about...caring for EACH OTHER!

Sweetpea: Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement. Yeah - I do want to deposit love units to my H. I 'know' that it always has given me more of the results I want - I'm just stuck in the patterns that my mother instilled - pouting, harsh judgments, demands, etc. It is a very hard process to break. I do care for the OC (because he is part of my H). He doesn't look anything like the OW, which makes it a little easier to deal with. I'll do my best to be positive in that aspect of all this.<P>Trying 2/4 Give: You're right on all points - Like I said - My H should "be a man instead of a wimp" and take the bull by the horns and told her "no way - you're not working there - period" But then he is a wimp in any situation, whether to do with this or paying a bill or anything. He sure doesn't come across as a wimp to anyone else - but he definately is. You are right too - if they still "have a relationship" they will manage to do it regardless of where she works, when, etc. I haven't told him yet - (which I don't think I will) but if I find out anything funky going on with them - I'll be the first one to go the owner of the daycare and have her terminated based on her "looseness" with client's husbands, etc. I know that is mean - but - she has asked for it by working there. I'm gonna try to keep my cool and see how this goes - I don't want MYSELF to appear to be the witch of the west and say "no way is she working there". It really hurt that he didn't do it himself - but then "when does he ever take up for me?"<P>------------------<BR>

Daycare Disaster,<P>I just want to send you some hugs, and let you know that I think you are doing a marvelous job. <P>God Bless you.<P>(((hugs)))