Well I'll give a little background info. Married 3 years.
My wife got involved in an EA with a co worker who just happens to be our daughters friends father.i found out beginning of Aug.My wife tells me that she felt she could not talk to me so started talking to the OM. OM was going threw a divorce. She was his shoulder to cry on .My wife tells me she is not happy and still needs space .She has told me she has ended her EA but they still contact each other daily via text message and cell phone calls .I have asked her to stop all contact with the OM but she will not. In the beginning of oct I was diagnosed as having Bi Polar 2 disorder which my wife said is the reason she cant talk to me and has pushed me away.I am now on meds for the Bi Polar .She now is leading two different lives . One at home and one with her friends .She goes out with friends 2 -3 times per week and is usually drinking .I have cought her in many lyes and found things she has tried to hide from me We went to marriage councilling however that turned into individual councilling . my wife wants a trial separation. My therapist is recommending that I ask her to leave . I have read every thing on this site . I have read his needs her needs and have love busters on order . I have been working on plan A for two months now and things seem to have gotten worse. I have three small children that I don't want to see get hurt .At this point I just don't know what to do

((((dad of 3))))

I think you can. I'm sure everyone will be in here to chime in soon.

Have you exposed the affair at her place of employment? What kind of hard evidence do you have to help back up your case when you expose?

Are you sure it's just a EA? It seems like that it's very possible that it turned into a PA long time ago and it stopped for a while (because you found out) and turned back to EA through texting. Based on her tone now, it might be back to PA again.

It's just hard to believe that it was just EA when she's out 2-3 times a week with the opportunity to meet and hook up with him.

WEll as far as her place of employment a couple of her friends know. there have been rumors flying around about them .She said is because they are always talking on breaks and lunch.I have not said anything to anyone she works with. I don't know many of her co workers . The ones I do know she has already told.Her family and My family all know about the EA. I have asked her if things had turn into a PA. She assures me they have not. Claims she hasn't done anything wrong .Just talked to him.She does admit that it was an EA.I have been checking her phone log when she goes out . Most times she is texting with him so I know they are not together.It least not in those instances.She seems to blame everything on me being bi polar.

Do you really think that if it has turned into a PA that she would tell you the truth?

Unless you're able to read those textings, you won't know for sure what's really going on? Does she ALWAYS text him throughout the night? Or is it most of the nights? Or is it just part of the evening when she's out but not toward the end of the night? She could be texting him untill she meet up with him at the last 30 minutes of her outing before she returns home. What makes you think that all those texting didn't include "come over to my place just for a while before you head home."?

dad of 3,

You need to expose the affair to her employers. Her immediate supervisor, Human Resources, any coworkers you may know.

You must do this IN WRITING.

How do you know who knows at work? Did she tell you this? You'd be surprised who they don't tell.

They are living in a fantasy world right now. What you need to do is shine a little reality into this daydream.

You know...BING!!!!! Reality!!!

Do you have some hard evidence? Emails, etc.?

Can you afford to hire a PI?

Did you say this OM works with her?

Okay, I see that he is a coworker. Find out who his immediate supervisor is and expose to him as well.

Expose to your whole family. This means the in-laws as well as the outlaws. EVERYBODY!

Expose to her friends. Expose to your pastor if you attend church.

You don't have to expose to the mail carrier...unless your mail carrier happens to be a relative.

Do what Charlotte22 advised you to do, you will probably be able to prevent it going from EA to PA IF it has not already turned to such stage. Make sure you also exposed it to all her friends and family members and that will help destroy this fantasy land that she currently live.

As far as her texting ,it is random times.Sometimes even when she is at work or on her way home.Its the same when she is out, all different times.She has texted him right in front of me and Lied as to who it was.The OM does work with her .I do not have any emails and have only seen a couple of text when she forgot to clear them . They were just general conversations Like how are the kids . Things like that. She did buy a prepaid cell phone that I found .Thats how I found out about the texting.Unfortunately The OM has a po box so I can not find out were he lives .I only know the town.She did tell me who she told at work , they are her 3 closes friends.

Dad of 3,

Welcome to marriage builders.

I think there is a good chance that you can save your marriage. The first thing you need is a plan to do so and this is the place to get that plan.

If you haven't already done so please read the basic concepts which I will link for you as well as the Q&A columns on infidelity. Also read up on Plan A. I will link some things on that as well. Also be sure you have read the first few posts pinned to the top of the Just Found Out forum. Pay close attention to WAT's and Longhorn's threads.

Get a copy of Surviving An Affair from the book store on this site or other source. I first read a copy that was in my local public library. The book can be had from many sources, but the prices here are good and it helps pay the bills so Dr Harley can continue to keep this site going to help others.

Many will recommend that you read His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. I would recommend that you read Fall In Love/Stay In Love as it gives a good summary of both books as well as a plan of action that can make even a good marriage better. It explains the Basic Concepts in detail and gives good examples on implementing the methods of Dr Harley.

Sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances, but considering the reason for being here, it is a good place to be.

Though you feel like your situation is critical and you are at a turning point, try to relax, breathe and take the time to learn all that you can. It is what you will learn by reading that will give you the most hope and the best tools for saving your marriage.

And FWIW, every wayward spouse blames their affair on the betrayed spouse. It is universal. Most of what she says in that regard is merely an attempt to justify a clearly wrong choice and action by her. To pull it off and save your marriage, part of what you need to learn to do is to distinguish between real complaints regarding the marriage and self entitlement statements that attempt to justify what she is doing.

Hang in there. Read;study and ask questions about what you don't understand. It will be tough, but you can be tougher with the guidance you can get here.

Just so you know, counseling will do little good until the affair has ended and she has completed withdrawal from OM. Unless she and the couselor both are as committed to saving the marriage as you are it might be a total waste of resources.

Mark

Links:

The Basic Concepts

Recovering From Infidelity

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Finding a Good Marrige Counselor

I'll also bump a few threads in this and other forums for you.

You still need to expose at work.

Get yourself into fact-finding mission mode. I know it's hard. Stay strong and do it for your family. Become Columbo. Gather your evidence.

Come on, dad of 3, I KNOW you can do it!

I lurked around here and other places for months looking for answers.

When I finally couldn't take it anymore I finally registered here and posted.

With all of the love and encouragement here, just a short few days later I finally took my finger out of the dam and it BURST!!

Started exposing to family on a Sunday...exposed to OWH on 10/30.

BTW-is the OM married? You said he was DD's friend's father. Are he and his wife together? You need to expose to his wife.

I have been looking around this site for 2 months.I too am at the point were i can't take it anymore.its too much hurt for far to long .my family and her family know everything. I have told them .Our mutual friends know . Even my wifes Boss asked another co work what was going on.I believe most people she works with suspect something.I recently went away on business and had flowers delivered to her at work .There was a bet started as to who the flowers were from Me or the OM.She openly tells me these things .I don't know if she is trying to hurt me or what.She has changed the password for her phone website so I can't check the phone log .I will have to find other ways now to gather evidence.I will do my best to stay strong ,for myself and for my children .Thank you to everyone for your help and advice I will keep you updated .

Hang in there dad of 3!!!!!

We're all with you 100%!!!!

(((((dad of 3)))))

Dad of3, We all urge you to expose the affair.

She does not care about your feelings. You do not matter. All that matters is her and her OM. The fog has taken your wife over. Even the coworkers can see what is going on.

Sorry you need medicine to cope with your bipolar condition. At least youare handling this the right way. It will help you to fight for your marriage.

You will need a plan to expose. In your case, re-expose, in a concise, brief and clear way, to those who already know. The exposure letter or exposure contact should mention that you are exposing the affair so as to end the affair. That affairs thrive in secrecy. And that you are doing this to save your marriage, to fight for your family.

It will put the whole affair into a very uncomplimentary light.

Good luck. Be brave.

Ok.. look, exposure is the right thing to do -IF- you have all the proof you need that it's an affair.

There's a snooping 101 post around here somewhere, and I think there are links to it in the notable posts post at the top of this forum.

If you aren't -absolutely- sure she's having an affair.. snoop until you are.

THEN expose expose expose and get yourself into Plan A, read Ark's thread(s) about Plan A, get Surviving an Affair and -STUDY- it.. don't just read it, STUDY it. This will help you get a -good- plan together and follow it.

Whatever you do, don't be like me.

IF they are using 'playdates' as an excuse to spend time together and entrench an affair, then it is imperitive that you get off your tush, push all the feeling sorry for yourself aside and get the proof you need to proceed. Because if they're conducting their affair during 'playdates' for the kids.. then by inaction you are enabling her to expose your children to her affair. TRUST me, that's the last thing you want.

You have got to be brave.. be stronger than you ever thought you could be.. Read about the Love Bank, Love Busters, and all of the other basic concepts, they -can- save your marriage and make even a decent marriage even better.

You're in the right place.. you're getting good advice, now process it all and get yourself a plan of action together. DO NOT sit around waffling in your indecision.. it will only muddy the waters and enable your wife to continue an affair in progress (if indeed that's what's happening here).

Yeah.. I'm going to be blunt with what I say.. but TRUST me man, you DO NOT want to end up in my sitch.. you've got a very narrow window of opportunity here that you can save your marriage and -maybe- not have a real hard row of recovery... but if you wait and it is an affair, EA or PA.. you're in for the fight of your life if you want to save the M.

"She did tell me who she told at work , they are her 3 closes friends."

This is most likely a lie. YOU need to expose to everyone - not take her word for it that they supposedly already know... and presumably don't really care...

"I recently went away on business and had flowers delivered to her at work .There was a bet started as to who the flowers were from Me or the OM.She openly tells me these things .I don't know if she is trying to hurt me or what."

She might be 'openly' telling you these things to try to hurt you... or she might be lying to you, few to zero people @ work know or suspect, AND she wants to keep it that way! If she can convince you that everyone already knows, and they don't really object (maybe just find it sort of amusing stuff to gossip and bet about), then YOU will NOT expose.

Or maybe they do know where she works but are assuming that your silence means you don't know (and they're too cowardly to tell you) or you don't care? Sometimes bosses and human resources will allow adultery if they think the betrayed spouse doesn't know or care. You need to inform them that you do know, do care, and DO expect them to deal with the situation. A lot of times adulterers lose their jobs over this BUT too many companies will look the other way and pretend not to know unless the BS contacts them expecting action.

Whether or not she is telling the truth YOU still should expose and inform those you expose to that you intend to fight for your marriage, and that you want their help.

Unfortunately a lot of people believe they are being neutral, 'staying out of it', by failing to tell the BS what their WS is up to. But their silence is enabling versus neutral. And the adulterers pretend the silence is support for the adultery. But once the BS exposes the adultery and asks for support in ending the adultery it's more difficult for the enablers to pretend neutrality. You are likely to pick up some support or to at least deprive the adulterers of some enablers if YOU expose to everyone. Because even if they already know at work, once they ealize that YOU know and object, that will cause people who secretly object to the adulteyr to start speaking up.

Good point and great post, meremortal.

I wanted to convey this point but I didn't have the words.

Rock on!