It's been a little over 2 months since I found the horrible truth about my WH and the OW. He seems to be trying to change a lot since then. He is open with his phone calls now to/from his cell phone. Every time it rings he tells me who the caller is--I have not asked him to do this. I guess he just feels a need to report who it is. A lot of times when someone calls him he puts the phone on speaker and has the conversation out in the open--again, I have not asked him to do this.

I've intercepted all cell phone bills, and her numbers have not been on the last 2 bills. He leaves his cell phone laying out all the time and walks away as if he is wanting me to check out his call logs--I haven't done this though. I don't want to live in the daily fear of finding her numbers there. As long as the cell phone bills don't show her contact then I'm relieved.

He has said he wants us to go away together for a long weekend every couple months to stay connected as a couple. We are taking off over Thanksgiving for a week.

Our house is on the market, and as soon as it sells we are moving away to another state--his suggestion. I asked him if he would prefer we split the proceeds of our house 50/50 and go our separate ways once it sells, and he acted offended. He says over and over again I'm the love of his life, and he wants to be with me forever.

So, any experienced MBers. Does this look like a true effort at recovery, or is this stuff fogspeak? I'm not interested in accepting any of his offers made in fogspeak.

This looks like a sincere recovery. If it wasn't he would be claiming he needs privacy, and refusing to move. We always tell people to look at the ACTIONS of their spouse, rather than the words.

Has he answered all of your questions about the affair?

He answers everything except the why did it happen part. Every time I ask that question I'm met with an "I don't know". I know that is impossible. How could you not know if you began something you know to be totally wrong?

It "just happened."

I know there's a link somewhere that talks about how affairs get started, I just don't know where it is.

I do know about a good video, though. Go to the home page and click on the infidelity video link.

It's about 30 minutes long.

It will be an eye opener.

And the book "Torn Asunder" has a great chapter on "the message of the affair". You would be surprised how many have very little to do with the marriage.

I get the "it just happened" response as well, along with a bunch of "i don't know's". Then when I press I get the "I wasn't happy in the marriage" response. Its very hard for me to accept that there is not real defineable reason for why my W had an A, but that's what the reality appears to be!

I personally am beginning to believe that many affairs really don't have much to do with anything other than attraction, opportunity, and faulty morals. I actually began a conversation about this in my Post D-Day thread this week.

The thing that I want is for my W to somehow JUSTIFY what she did. I want to know and understand (and I want her to know and understand) how she came to believe that it was ok to cheat on me and risk our marriage and our family. I know that there really is no true justification for that behavior, but I want to know how she came to the place where she convinced herself that it was ok.

I'm not having any more success understanding this than anyone else seems to be having. Most recovery material urges the BS to examine themselves and thier culpability and I believe that is what has to happen to RECOVER the marriage, but I don't think it truly addresses the root causes of infidelity.