been married for 16 years, not the happiest marriage but not the worse either. We have 3 children (13-10-8). Wife told me last week she wants a divorce and she doesn't love me anymore...she is in love with another man she met 3 months ago and says "he's my sould mate". I have had a coupel "emotional" affairs, but nothing physical....2 years ago I devoted myself to my wife and family as I realized how much I love her. I was going to divorce her but couldn't go through with it.

This is her 2nd affair in the past year...the first one was with our daughters math teacher (how nice is THAT?).

Anyway - just looking for support, advise and peoples thoughts on the matter.

Call me crazy but I want to try and see if we can make it work...but all my friends are telling em to move on.

Thanks for reading my post!!!!

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

First off, you don’t have to walk away from the marriage. There’s a lot you can do.

Read this entire web site first. Not the forums, the professional content that Dr. Harley and his practice have put up. You can’t go wrong there. Then get the book Surviving an Affair. I also like the Monogamy Myth, although it doesn’t have as much of a game plan as SAA. And you may want to pick up The 5 Languages of Love, or whatever that’s called.

You need to eliminate all Lovebusters immediately. LoveBusters are behaviors that drain your wife’s love for you rapidly. You also need to meet whatever emotional needs she lets you meet. I know you’ve devoted two years to doing just that, but my bet is you were concentrating on the wrong needs. We tend to try to make our partners feel loved by doing what we would like done to us. Unfortunately, men and women, in general, prioritize their needs differently.

Thanks Greengables, I will look over the site. I know there is a lot of good info here, just haven't had the time the past couple of days.

My wife thinks it's a lost cause and doesn't want to go to counciling or work on it. She said our marriage has been dead for many years and can't remember the last time she was happy with me.

There is a lot going on in the marriage that needs work on, and I know, one thing at a time...but I am willing and she is not.

Don't be discouraged just because right now she doesn't feel like this marriage ever could work. You had a couple of emotional affairs, she's had an affair, and you're both still here. I think that says a lot. It only takes one person making some changes to shift the relationshiop.

When your wife says "Our marriage has been dead for years" part of that is induced by the euphoria of infatuation. But, there's an element of truth too. By your own admission, your marriage was mediocre at best. No one in his or her right mind agrees to a lifetime of mediocrity.

So, what you want to do is show her how wonderful life can be married to you. It doesn't mean a bed of roses. It means that when she's around you, she feels loved and cared for. She feels taht glow from romantic love.

Read up on Plan A. Plan A helps you create an environment in which romantic love can happen. It also demonstrates to a wayward spouse that you care, and that life married to you is a viable option.

If the situation deteriorates, and she leaves to live with this man, she'll leave with pleasant memories of you. Affairs almost always crumble. When this one crumbles, you will be looking like a safe haven.

Then, the real fun can begin. It's hard work when you're the only one doing Plan A. Once a partner gets on board, it becomes fun. POJA isn't so bad when both people are working toward enthusiastic agreement. It's exciting.

The rule of spending 15 hours alone each week stops feeling forced and uncomfortable, and becomes a relief.

If you want a lot more responses, try posting this on Emotional needs or Just Found Out or General Questions II. The last two have a lot of people who are very raw from the betrayal. You can decide if that makes you feel better or worse.

As with any poster, even me, beware. We're not professionals. Our opinions are biased based on our experience. All in all, though, this is a very good place to be.

When you say Plan A - where can that be found? Sorry I am so niave about this, never thought I would actually have to go through somthing like this.

I know. It's really tough. It's in the book Surviving an Affair. I'll post a link as soon as I can find it.

Okay, here you go. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

This has a primer. There's more in depth stuff in the book.

HD, I have been where you are--almost exactly. You wrote:

"My wife thinks it's a lost cause and doesn't want to go to counciling or work on it. She said our marriage has been dead for many years and can't remember the last time she was happy with me."

I was in the same exact position and my wife said the same thing. I was on these boards crying out to anyone who would listen. I felt as there was no hope. EVERYONE (friends and family) seemed to tell me to move on. Today my wife is back and we are living a very Christian life together unlike any time in our 15 year marriage. She is changed person. Pure miracle.

If you are anything like I was, you probably have not met your wife's emotional needs; the "soul mate" part is very telling of this. In addition, I suspect your wife (and likely you) do not have a mutual understanding of what LOVE is. This leads me to believe neither of you understand the depth and meaning of the marital COVENANT you both made with God when you walked out of that church together.

Love = commitment...not feelings or emotions. There are two phases of love: romantic love, and committed love. 55% of the population never get to the 'committed love' part because they think there is only one kind of love. Your wife is under the romantic love spell right now. She THINKS she is in love. Fear not, She is NOT in love. This will pass. She is having an AFFAIR and they do not last.

Believe it or not, you have nothing to worry about. She will be back and your marriage will be 100x as beautiful as it ever was. But there is something YOU must do first: get UPRIGHT with God and start PRAYING from your HEART, and PROVING through your actions that He can trust you again with the gift that is your wife.

GIFT? WIFE? But she's a cheating, lying, sneaky $#@%^!! Are you crazy?? No, I have lived what you are living. I had to learn the hard way, just as you learning. God giveth and God taketh away. Are you in pain? Do you wish she would come back? Are you empty, guilty, sorrowful, lonely without her? Do you feel like you are being punished? Of course you do or you wouldn't be here. You are not being punished. God is disciplining you. We, as husbands have a higher calling to be leaders and lead by Christ-like example to SANCTIFY our wives. God reserves the right to take them away if we do not.

Don't believe me? Jeremiah 8"10 reads "Therefore I will give their women to strangers, their fields to others for an inheritance: because from the least even to the greatest all follow covetousness: from the prophet even to the priest, all deal deceitfully."

Why is this relevant? You had "emotional affairs." Those are every bit as sinful and deceitful as physical affairs. In fact, women would much rather us have physical affairs than emotional ones. Emotional affairs stab at the very ESSENCE of what a woman takes pride in being for her man. You disrespected your wife. You disrespected your covenant by not honoring your wife. Now, you must fall on your knees and beg the Lord for mercy, and pray with all your might for reconciliation... and I guarantee you all shall be reconciled.

What you can start doing today. It worked for me, I'm certain it will work for you....

1. Submit your life to Christ today. Accept Him as your savior, and repent and beg his forgiveness for every sin you have ever committed. Not sure of your sins? Start reading the bible--namely the ten commandments, and the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Spend as much time as you can in prayer every day without ceasing. Need an easy to understand version of the bible? Go to amazon.com and look up AMPLIFIED bible.

2. Live a Christ-like life. Work all of the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit into your personality. Walk the talk.

3. Find a church where you can worship. Bring your children with you. As a father, you are commanded to be a priest at home and teach them. As a husband, you are commanded to be a leader in your home. Teach and lead as Christ did. Get John Maxwell's Leadership Bible. It is amazing.

4. Do not let a single word of discouragement or animosity towards your wife escape your lips. As hard as it is, show her unconditional love, precisely as God does, even in your hour of abandonment. God knows what your wife is doing. He also knows you are hurting. He will reconcile you all again when He thinks you are ready to respect the gift he gave as your wife again. You will only be ready when you hand all of your worries, fears and pain over to Him and allow him to WORK for you and your family.

5. Do not talk bad about your wife to your children. Ever. Tell your children you EXPECT for your wife to come home. Tell them you EXPECT God to reconcile your family. Tell them you have endless HOPE for the reconciliation of your marriage through God's grace. They will think you are nuts at first, trust me. But do NOT let your faith fail.

6. The only things you should talk about with your wife is the children, and sharing very subtly the ways God is working in your own life every day. LEAD BY EXAMPLE, not by words. God will do all the work for you. All you need to do is be GODLY, and love everyone in your life with all your heart every day, without ceasing. God is LOVE.

Every morning when you wake up thank God for His glory. He works the hardest for us when we need him the most. If you are of God, and your life is centered around His glory, your prayers will not be hindered.

The fact of the matter is this: Your wife is living in sin. If God is love, and sin is unGodly.. well, do the math. God does not approve of her relationship. Period. God WANTS your family together. Trust this with all your heart and soul and strength and it shall come to pass.

Email me if you want more. I have plenty more where this came from <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OWF

Hockey dad'

Have you read completely through the thread entitled "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" by Longhorn which is pinned to the very top of the Infidelity - Just Found Out board?

Lots of stuff in there.

Mr. Wondering

If he follows your advice, then his wife will run him over like a rabid, angry hate-filled steamroller.

Hockeydad, listen to Greengables and maybe your marriage won't end disasterously like mine did.

Pariah, are you Christian? If so, where is your faith?

As a Christian, I have 100% faith in HD's ability to sanctify his wife through repentance and prayer. For it was written:

1: Corinthians 7:14

"For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband."

My faith went with the church turning me out into the wilderness and the judge rewarding her for adultery.

I see. Well I will pray for the return of your faith.

Believe it or not, God has a plan for you. The thing that people (including myself at one time--just read my original post when I was in the wilderness myself) have a difficult time grasping is that His plan is PERFECT. As hard as it is to believe right now, His plan for you is impeccable-- it is without flaw.

Perfect?!! Flawless?? After the judge rewarded her? After I was thrown out in the wilderness by a so-called Godly church?? Yep. For just as our earthly fathers disciplined us when we were young and immature, our heavenly father disciplines us when we are older and *spiritually* immature.

Our trials and tribulations, such as those you have endured, are placed in our path for one specific reason: spiritual growth. God KNOWS these trials are difficult. God KNOWS these trials will poke holes in our faith. But he calls on us to TRUST him, no matter how much pain we are in. Further, he calls us to worship him and rejoice EVEN IN OUR HOUR OF PAIN...

1 Peter 4:12

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. By no means let any of you suffer as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; but if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not feel ashamed, but in that name let him glorify God. For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And if it is with difficulty that the righteous is saved, what will become of the godless man and the sinner? Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."

Pariah: God's work is NEVER done. NEVER. he has faith in you even when you don't have faith in yourself.

NOW is not an end. It is a new beginning. It is an extraordinary opportunity for you to fortify your faith and grow more intimately with God than you ever have before. He is opening the door for you to come closer to him and trust His plan for you. All you need to do is knock, and the door will be answered.

Matthew 7:7

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

-Su hermano en Cristo

Why are you even here?

Has your wife slept around on you with the deacon of another church and tried to have him kill you?

If not, you ain't got no business here.

I know exactly where my faith lies and I have seen things you will never comprehend and I might even have had a glimpse of the other side.


However, that demon from he|| that is what used to be my wife is FULLY convinced that "god" told her to get rid of me so she could be happy when the OM destroyed his family too so they could be happy together.

Not even God himself is able to bring her back from the abyss she has chosen as she actually thinks god has told her to do this abomination.

I'm not sure why I'm here other than to share my testimonial. I just woke up today and God made me think to come here. I hadn't planned on it

God is the redeemer of the unredeemable. He can save ANYONE. Saving your wife is nothing to God. He parted a sea. He made the universe. He made thunder and lightning. How dare we doubt his ability to save a wayward soul.

Your wife is not the devil. And God loves her every bit as much as he loves you. His loves is endless. He has saved far worse sinners than your wife. Your plight is but a grain of sand on the beach to God.

Seek and ye shall find.

Your faith is clearly weak. You don't believe God can resolve such a simple matter as your wife's evil deeds? Even though he delivered an entire race of people out of a hostile land? Wow.

Please read Job

And I'll be back tomorrow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pariah:

Luke 8:13

"Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away."

Don't fall away.

I have read Job, so much in fact that I can recite it verse for verse.

When I got shot, my wife even went so far to accuse me of wrongdoing and that it was my "wakeup call" from god to warn me that I did wrong in exposing her adultery.

I've been through alot worse than a stupid little divorce.

Job brought his tribulations upon himself by sanctamoniously offering sacrifices on the behalf of his children.

Not true. If you read Job, you know the point of the tribulations he suffered were to test his faith---in light of the enemy's position that surely Job would abandon God if everything were taken from him.

Job 42

Then Job replied to the LORD :
"I know that you can do all things;no plan of yours can be thwarted....You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'...Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,things too wonderful for me to know."

Then the LORD made Job prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver [a] and a gold ring.